(no subject)
Nov. 19th, 2003 12:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rmBecause I habitually engage in pre-emptive self-flagellation in the desperate hopes of sparing anyone else the trouble, I will note that I attempted to sing at the piano bar tonight, couldn't find the key, and ran out.
It was uncool, as both a friend, and a professional.
It was humiliating.
And it was full of fear.
There aren't words for the degree to which I feel like I am wasting my time.
Or the ways in which things like this are so profoundly destructive to me, because of the ways I do math in my head.
I think I suffer a great deal from never having had the time to fall apart enough to put myself back together.
Anyway, I feel like shit and am living in terror of people encouraging me or praising me right now (thanks, I spent every semester of kindergarten through ninth grade receiving most improved in gym awards because I would sit and cry during gymnastics units because I was afraid. Did they think I was so stupid that I believed I had improved? Or did they think I would be so ashamed of the undeserved award it would make me work harder?).
So that's what's going on. For the curious, I tried to sing Cheek to Cheek. For those of you who know me well enough to appreciate this, on Thursday I'll try Heaven Help My Heart.
Otherwise, I don't really want to talk about it, and just hope I haven't offended anyone.
It was uncool, as both a friend, and a professional.
It was humiliating.
And it was full of fear.
There aren't words for the degree to which I feel like I am wasting my time.
Or the ways in which things like this are so profoundly destructive to me, because of the ways I do math in my head.
I think I suffer a great deal from never having had the time to fall apart enough to put myself back together.
Anyway, I feel like shit and am living in terror of people encouraging me or praising me right now (thanks, I spent every semester of kindergarten through ninth grade receiving most improved in gym awards because I would sit and cry during gymnastics units because I was afraid. Did they think I was so stupid that I believed I had improved? Or did they think I would be so ashamed of the undeserved award it would make me work harder?).
So that's what's going on. For the curious, I tried to sing Cheek to Cheek. For those of you who know me well enough to appreciate this, on Thursday I'll try Heaven Help My Heart.
Otherwise, I don't really want to talk about it, and just hope I haven't offended anyone.
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no subject
Date: 2003-11-19 07:56 am (UTC)1) How drunk were you?
2) For how long had you been standing around screaming out the words to other songs?
3) How nervous were you?
4) How loud was the music playing/how well were you able to hear your note?
Just things to consider before you kick yourself too hard.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-19 02:59 pm (UTC)2. different bar, with seats, far more relaxed
3. so awful I've created a mess that would be Very Big if it weren't so profoundly fucking typical of the ones I create
4. I'm not good with accompanyment in general, I get a little lost at first, this was not aided by the piano player being more unfamiliar with the song than I had perhaps realized at the time.