once escorted

[rm]

The first time I worked clinic defense was the month after I turned eighteen. Now, most people stood in a particular phalanx by the clinic door, especially during the worst of the protests. The phalanx was designed to make sure protesters couldn't crawl through our legs, that there would still be a barrier if they stuck us with pins, which, yes, they did. Then, there were the people stationed inside the clinic, if it had interior doors. Sometimes women would pose as patients and lock themselves to the interior doors, blocking them. Finally, there were the people who escorted the women in and out of the clinic.

I did all three of those jobs at various times, but mostly I either guarded the inside doors of the clinics or escorted patients.

Mostly, the women didn't talk. But sometimes they did, either about nothing in particular or dark humour. It was strange, responding to them, and always being so careful not to reveal any particular sentiment to them.

"I hate this," one woman said. I couldn't but nod, because "this" could have been anything.

She kept talking. "Always being escorted, like I can't go to the doctor by myself."

"I'm sorry, sometimes the protesters pose as patients; it's for everyone's safety."

"But I feel like a child."

*

A woman's life is like that. We are always escorted: by our friends to the ladies and by our fathers down the aisle. It is what is expected of us. My debutante friends had to choose escorts -- one civilian and one military -- for the coming out ball and my high school dates always had to pick me up and drop me off at home, even as I was often older and more equipped to handle the world without such boys.

When I was engaged at 24, every professional service I talked to about the wedding planning wanted to speak to my fiance or my parents. When I called my bank today to discuss an issue they asked -- merely as a matter of security, but I know how it felt -- if there was a cosigner on an account.

There's a reason it's women and children first. It's because in the eyes of history and habit, we've long been mostly the same.

At least married you get the force of your husband's authority, if not your own.

*

Gay rights are, among other things, a feminist issue. If we did not hate and infantilize women, would we so question the masculinity and competency of gay men on the grounds that they must somehow be feminized by their romantic and sexual preference for males? If we did not hate and infantilize women, would we so condemn women who are not available to men, because they'd rather be with each other?

*

In the mid-90s, I traveled to Ireland with that man I was engaged to. Because I made all the hotel reservations, I quickly became Mrs. Maltese and he was referred to as Mr. Maltese. We learned quickly not to question this.

A vote was going on in the country then about whether to legalize divorce. The posters that supported divorce availability showed a photo of a woman and asked, "doesn't she deserve a second chance?" The posters against divorce also showed a woman and asked, "doesn't a man have the right to a family?"

The point of this is not that I was outraged. The point of this is that I am outraged now because my dominant reaction at the time, beyond anger and incredulity, was simply the quiet recognition of what I had always known as a woman: to be property is to be loved; to be married is the closest you will ever be to becoming an adult.

*

I never got married.

*

I'm 37 now. I'm not supposed to tell people that. After all, as perpetual children, women are also supposed to look perpetually young. Maybe if I looked my age I'd be more careful about it. Maybe I just don't care anymore.

I've got a lot more sense than I used to. I'm less complicated now in some ways. And way more complicated in others.

And in the great gay marriage debate, I keep coming back to this feeling that in the end this whole clusterfuck national debate on my humanity is really a secret, subconscious referendum on whether women can ever be adults, can ever be unescorted, can ever look like something that wasn't designed for the male gaze, can ever possess their own desire. It is also, it seems for many people, a referendum on whether masculinity can exist without the perpetual female child present to confirm its existence.

*

I've been an adult since I left home, because I've had to be. That was twenty years ago. Sometimes I've succeeded. Often I've failed. But I've continued on, and I've tried to do better. I don't regret much, but there was certainly some stuff I could have done without; I just didn't know it at the time.

That the world has both changed and that I'm a little bit crazy is so clear to me the more I meet people who have never felt all this, who have never had to.

That's hope.

So is the way much of this is just a pretty far gone memory to me now, like the butcher shop we got our meat at when I was a child.

*

In the late '90s I had an abortion. There were no protesters. The doorman in the fancy building on the Upper West Side smiled at me, and the man involved in the matter came with me, as was appropriate.

Which means I was once escorted.

In this particular lexicon of being, I wish I didn't know what that means.

*

Prop 8 and its ilk are not referenda on me as a gay person or as a woman, although they are the first overtly and the second covertly.

These votes and discussions and debates and decisions are referenda on what we deem an adult human to be or not be.

It really is that simple.

*

Sometimes people ask me what it's like to be bisexual or gay or whatever word we're using today. They'll ask how I knew. Or what's going on with my genderqueer stuff. Or for advice on speaking to others about these same issues. And I'm mostly happy to answer, because, let's face it, I'll run my mouth about anything if I have the time.

But I have things I want to know too: what's it like not always having to connect the dots about what people really think of you before you even walk into the bloody room?

Sometimes, people ask why I'm so public on my journal or why I want so badly to be famous and successful. There are flip answers to that, that you've surely heard me give. Oh, you know, like everyone in this business, my mother never loved me enough or No secrets, no blackmail are two of my favorites.

But there's a third answer. A truer answer. With a female body and a queer heart, my life was always going to be public anyway.

Comments

thank you again...

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

you brought up issues i haven't thought about in my anger and gave me another way to view the actions of my fellow citizens

perhaps someday i'll be half as good at putting my thoughts/feelings/history into words as you are

i hope i get to meet you irl when we're both at d*c; and if you get out to LA or nearby and have time, i'd love to have take you out for drinks and talk to you

Re: thank you again...

[rm.livejournal.com]

I won't know the D*C schedule for a while (last year I think I had my programming sorted only a week or two before, although I think this year will be a bit smoother as various tracks know me and want me), but yes, let's. Remind me when it's closer, and I'll give you my mobile; I do everything by text.

As for LA, despite being an actor, I avoid the town because it's really really not meant for actors like me. That said, I'll be back there again in February for Gallifrey.

[count-to-seven.livejournal.com]

I'm a bisexual female living in a long term straight relationship who thinks of herself as male. There's never been room in my head for advocacy. I'm afraid of giving up even the tiniest bit of energy. I admire your ability to do so.

I feel very conflicted about Prop 8. We all know what Prop 8 is because it has become a political catchphrase thanks to the state of its origin. The same bullshit happened in my state at the same time and no one seemed to care. Even more messed up? I firmly don't believe in marriage - or the legal implications thereof. I'm somewhat confused as to how, given the entry you just made, you could as well. So how can I fight for I cause I don't believe in, yet still believe in equal freedom, yet continually sigh at the complete pointlessness involved?

I applaud your public life. I hope this is as public as my inner debate ever needs to be.

[rm.livejournal.com]

First, let me say thanks for sharing that. You've got a hard job, being you (we all do in our ways, but it's harder when there are less people with common experience).

The fact is, I don't know how I feel about marriage. It's a conflicty thing in my head. Its legal protections are valuable to me and the financial implications are serious business in many ways.

For me though, the cause of gay marriage has become paramount, not because I think gay marriage is more important than employment protections, health insurance the like, but because I think this is an issue from whence all the rest of it must flow. If same-gendered partners are allowed to marry, under what basis is any other type of discrimination legal? This one legal issue, because of our culture, will innately solve the others. That's my pragmatism in this great big hot mess of a thing.

[fairestcat]

With a female body and a queer heart, my life was always going to be public anyway

Yes. This exactly.

Great post.

Directed here by Samiogray

[liddle-oldman.livejournal.com]

always escorted

That's ... a revelation.

Thanks.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

When I was in college, every time I went out with friends at night, inevitably I would end up walking home along, since I lived in a different building from anyone I knew. This was constantly an issue. Even when I had yelled and ranted about the topic enough that my close friends knew that I did not appreciate being asked if I "wanted someone to walk with me", if "I was sure?", if "it was safe?", there was inevitably someone else at the party to ask these questions all again. And I did yell, and I did rant about it, because it infuriated me. And not even so much the assumption that I needed to be escorted, but the repetition of the questions, and often the insistence by the asker that I really should let them walk with me.

Because it said that not only was it not safe for me to be by myself, but that I was clearly such a child that I was not even capable of making my own decisions about whether it was or was not valid for me to go where I wanted. And if I couldn't go about my own neighborhood without assistance, I thought, why should I even be living independently, when it seemed like it would be better for all concerned if I did not?

But, in the happy ending to my own story, when I came to New York- and even before I moved here, when I was simply visiting NYU's Open House- I went out to dinner with the other students. And as we were leaving, one guy said to me (the girl I was staying with having left earlier and given me directions to her place), "Are you going to be alright getting to her place?" and before I could even answer, laughed at himself, and said, "Of course you are, never mind."

And true to that lucky beginning, outside of a very few instances, New York seems unsurprised and unconcerned when I walk alone at night. Which... is not so much related to your topic, but, um, I like New York.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm glad you do. ;)

[weirdodragoncat.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. I can relate to some of this at least (if not all of it). My friends probably think that I either don't notice sexism or just let it roll off me when it happens because I portray an aura of confidence to the public (translation: I'm 'the bitch'). I notice. I notice a lot. Like many woman, I don't always choose to say something. Sometimes it's out of fear. Sometimes it's because I don't think it will do any good.

I'm probably a bit less aware directly of homosexual bias being bisexual though. I often feel like a coward because I don't present as an obvious target. I have a very obviously 'femme' presentation most of the time and I am married to a man and date men far more often that I date women. This is probably part of the reason why most of my journal and social network site profiles are as public as they are. I guess I'm trying to be more 'visible'.

So yeah....I think I also realized at some point that my life was going to be public whether I wanted it to be or not.

Sorry....this got kinda rambly. Hope at least some of it makes sense.

I have to agree, Finding out the hard way.

[invader-tak-1.livejournal.com]

I don't make a habit of talking about it, but I surgically transitioned male to female in my 30's.

A decade later I find people are far nicer to me, kinder to me and far more open and sharing than they ever were before. BUT I lost my adulthood. People get worked up if I go on a trip by myself, or even if I just wander off for the day. My technical knowledge "formerly highly sought" has been forgotten, even by people who remember the old days. And any time I fix anything myself people act like I'm a very bright 12 year old or a performing poodle.

If people find out I fix my car I hear things like "Aren't you just a regular little mechanic!" With cute and patronising smiles. And if I even try to help OTHER WOMEN I get "Its ok, I'll get my boyfriend/dad to look at it, they KNOW about these things"

I don't regret what I did with my life, and I'm a far better person for it. But I have to admit I miss being taken seriously as a competent, independent and capable adult. I still have a brain, it just feels like nobody notices anymore.

Re: I have to agree, Finding out the hard way.

[amberite2112.livejournal.com]

i try not to make a habit of the same thing, but i must chime in from the other side. i transitioned female to male, also in my 30s. [i'm 47 now].

i remember that feeling of powerlessness from my pre-transition life. i knew more about cars than my then-boyfriend, and was always helping with his. (i know, i'm a stereotype sometimes.) we'd go to a garage, and the mechanic would talk to him, and he'd point at me and say "talk to her", and they'd keep talking to him. i'd answer, and they'd respond, but looking at him. i was invisible in that context. there were other things that he did that weren't cool, too, but i'd rather not dredge it up again.
i, too, had an abortion, in 1980 or so. i went alone, because the man [not aforementioned boyfriend] involved was nowhere to be found, noone else i knew had the time, my mother had died, and i dared not tell my dad. the one time i was in need of an escort, none were to be found. this is not a complaint at this point, just strange irony.
so, years pass, and i transitioned, and i pass fairly well. i got married, just over two years ago, to a genderqueer person who dresses very conservatively female, but not what you'd call femme, identifies as both-and-neither, and uses male pronouns when talking about himself,... well its complex. we look very straight. nothing could be farther from the truth. in any case, i find myself on my ex's side of that equation. we're trying to buy a house, my new spouse and i, and the money dealings involved are daunting to me, but my spouse-of-indeterminate-gender {his phrase} has studied economics extensively, and has written at least one economic system that i know of, so i defer in these matters to my spouse. we were at a realtor's office doing what you do in such places, and they both, one male and one female, kept talking to me, and i kept pointing to my spouse. they kept talking and looking only at me.
i have noticed, i'd have to be blind not to, the difference in treatment on the other side of this 'great divide'. i know who i am, and what, and how i got here, and when i am treated as the preferred person to interact with on the basis of my looks, regardless of what those might be, it angers me on behalf of those who are ignored in my favour. i don't believe its fair, i don't believe its right.

thank you for letting me rant.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

ABsolutely yes - as a straight woman married to a man I still get some of this. One of the reasons I keep my husband is times like when I brought him car-shopping with me (for functional reasons - I needed to make sure any car I bought would be comfortable for both of us to drive, as he's nearly a foot taller). The salescreature began to speak primarily to him, until he hooked a thumb at me and said flatly, "She's buying." (No, I didn't buy from that person.)

My last year or two in college, after I moved off campus, I had a bicycle and it was a miracle of freedom. Suddenly I *didn't* need to find someone to walk me home whenever I was out late at night. A few times, other women asked *me* to walk them home, because then I could bike back to the party or to my house. Of course I might still be vulnerable to someone with a gun or a strong determination to do harm, but then that would apply to walking with an escort, too.

Now life is being a bit strange, as my husband and I work for the same company and he's one of the main managers at this site. It's difficult for me to be seen outside his penumbra; we're in different departments, but there are only about 150 people here. When they promoted me to leader of a ten-person team it came as a great relief that I was being appreciated for my own work.

All of which is to say I think all women still have to do the connect-the-dots thing; I can appreciate how much more of a burden it must be to be doubly forced to do it.

[supremegoddess1.livejournal.com]

This.

Also, would you mind if this was cross-posted to readers_list?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Nope, go ahead.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Excellent post (I found my way here via gairid's LJ, btw).

subconscious referendum on whether women can ever be adults, can ever be unescorted, can ever look like something that wasn't designed for the male gaze, can ever possess their own desire. It is also, it seems for many people, a referendum on whether masculinity can exist without the perpetual female child present to confirm its existence

This just hits the nail on the head for me. Why else would straight people even care whether gays want to marry?... It's not about moral or religious concerns - it's about upholding patriarchy. The 'threat to family values' they are talking about is really the threat of legalizing social structures in which women (or 'feminized' men) cannot be easily controlled. But then, traditional 'family values' were always about keeping women in their place, so no surprise there. *sigh*

[skye-ds.livejournal.com]

Directed here by selasphorus.

I am publicly:
pagan, poly(fi), kinky, bi-curious, and a renny (ie, all kinds of weird.)

I own a horse ranch. Everything to do with horses, I do. Boarding, breeding, leasing, give lessons, shows, special events, training, transport. I train animals that are 5 - 6 feet tall at the shoulder, weigh between 1000 - 2000 pounds, run 35 miles per hour, that can bite, kick and trample you to death. I drive a 40 foot rig - full ton dually, high output turbo diesel engine, gooseneck horse trailer.

I get SO DAMN TIRED of new mechanics and their, "Oh look, how CUTE! Her husband let her take the diesel out today." I get SO DAMN TIRED of people, men & women both, talking to my husband and my male ranch hands instead of me, when I'm in charge, because it's my business and my area of expertise.

Anyway, Damn Well Said.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

KC lost his wallet when we were in Japan, and so I ended up paying for everything for the rest of the trip (it all comes out of the same bucket). I was astonished - accustomed as I am to being seen as capable of having my very own credit card - how the check was always put in front of him (rather than in between, as it often is here), and when I took it and gave the server my card, it was always given to him to sign!

For a couple of weeks on vacation, it was sort of amusing. But if it were like that ALL THE TIME? Yeeks.

[pacalissanctum.livejournal.com]

This is such a pet peeve of mine. It happens 8 times out of 10 around here lately and it drives me INSANE. I hate to say it, but sometimes, it plays a factor into the tippage.

This is such an eloquent post and has given me a lot to think about. Thank you. :)

[copyright1983.livejournal.com]

Found this via readerslist.

Wonderfully written (as always), and a great viewpoint on a tough topic.

Mind if I friend you? (I probably should've done that a long time ago anyway.)

Mike

[idunn.livejournal.com]

This was beautifully written and encapsulates well how I've felt society to treat me based on my sex.

Brief story time ...

While living in Paris, I once walked home from the 20th arrondissement to my flat in the 16th at 3am (to anyone not familiar with that town, that's a long fucking way). It was Nuit Blanche, the metro was closed, there were five taxis in the entire city, and I decided why the hell not. It took me three hours. I got home by dawn. The place was lit up like a Roman candle due to the festivities, and everyone and their mother was out and about.

Along the way I saw a lot of musicians and singers performing in the streets and a ton of people dancing and eating and partying. It was a welcome new look at a city I thought I knew well.

People are shocked when they hear this story. There's still this expectation that I'm to be escorted or else I'm in danger, even when there was no danger. There's this belief that a woman walking by herself somehow invites violence.

[greyladybast.livejournal.com]

There's still this expectation that I'm to be escorted or else I'm in danger, even when there was no danger. There's this belief that a woman walking by herself somehow invites violence.

The thing about this that makes me so furious is that most women are in more danger from the man* who escorts them than they are on their own. Too many idiots think that now that he's escorted her home safely, she owes him sex in return and if she doesn't pay up, he's got the right to just take.

Bast

*nearly always a man

[sylvertongue.livejournal.com]

Damn, this is awesome.

[misswinterhill.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy that I friended you at just the right time to have this come up on my f-list. Beautiful use of medium and awesome message.

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

Yes.

so much yes. Always seeking validation, never getting it.

[arularia.livejournal.com]

After reading this and realizing the truth in it, I'm not sure if the worst part is the fact that it's happening or the fact that I've actually internalized this attitude. I'm a grown woman and I'm still scared of the dark.

[boundfate.livejournal.com]

I absolutely agree with you.

I tend to avoid feminist literature - I don't like hate in any form and unfortunately I've been exposed to enough women who act like they hate men just for being men that I'm wary. It is phenomenal and eye opening to read this, to agree with it, and to realize that I've internalized this way of thinking, all without anyone ever saying anything negative about the male gender, just about how the gender is percieved.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Fuck, that was so beautiful.
Talk about hitting the nail on the bloody head.

Your final line resonated very strongly with me.
Ever since I was teen and broke the image of being a "sweet doll" to be taken from here to there - my parents ask me "what happened to you, you used to be so happy and easy going".
Having ones eyes open and seeing myself flanked by the what society deemed "appropriate" can only break our heart - and then it either hardens or bleeds.

I know you've approved linking for others, but just wanted to let you know that I too am going to link this.

Thank you for this.

[idunn.livejournal.com]

Oh, Mel ... :(

My mother had a similar conversation with my father recently. He said she had become such an angry person and wasn't like he remembered her when they were just married young people. Her reply: Yes, because I was a terrified, battered woman who shut up to stay safe! Thank God I'm angry now! It means I'm unafraid to show when I'm displeased!

Thankfully, he heard this and got his big boy britches and grew the hell up.

[verasteine.livejournal.com]

Thank you for writing this. It is very, very good.

I've read it twice, and both times struggled to collect my emotions. Coming at this from a different place where the gay marriage debate has passed, it is disturbing to see that we, when observing said debate elsewhere, do not note upon what you state so eloquently, And in the great gay marriage debate, I keep coming back to this feeling that in the end this whole clusterfuck national debate on my humanity is really a secret, subconscious referendum on whether women can ever be adults, can ever be unescorted, can ever look like something that wasn't designed for the male gaze, can ever possess their own desire. It is also, it seems for many people, a referendum on whether masculinity can exist without the perpetual female child present to confirm its existence.

It is a debate on people's humanity, and I struggle to comprehend what that means for the state of today's world, if we neither recognise that, nor prevent it from ever occurring in the first place.

[bellacrow.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you

As a (only) girlchild who was raised like a 1st born son I got mixed messages from everywhere. Especially when my dad would tell me things like,"don't be a pussy!" and then turn around and treat me like property.

[crows-warning.livejournal.com]

I went through the same thing with my Da, Bellacrow. Strange place growing up in the between, isn't it? Ugh.

RM, thank you for posting about this. It's been something that's been churning around in my old bean as I go through a divorce.

[lyorn.livejournal.com]

So true.

Being escorted makes me nervous as hell, because it means that there is something to fear: Either something your escort is supposed to protect you from, or something your escort will keep you from dodging.

Whereever I wanted or needed to go, I've gone on my own since I was old enough to ride a bicycle. So first time that someone felt it necessary to foist an escort on me was when I was 24 and at an SCA event. I was completely surprised that what I felt wasn't the mild embarrassment I had expected, but a fight-or-flight reaction.

[bofoddity.livejournal.com]

This really well written and sadly true. Thanks for sharing it.

[theferrett.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Beautifully written.

[mamadar.livejournal.com]

I married a divorced man. My dad was invited to the wedding but did not come, not because there was any estrangement, but just because he was getting weird in his old age and did not handle social stuff well. My mother, thank goodness, was deceased. I was surprised and pleased when our Lutheran pastor, who handled lots and lots of weddings, suggested that we come to the altar together in the wedding procession. No giving away, no "Here comes the bride", just the two of us, one attendant for each of us, and my stepdaughter as flower girl.

I'm really glad we did it that way.