equality isn't actually a subject for debate

[rm]

I live in a country where it is illegal for me to have the same rights as a cisgendered person in a heterosexual relationship. That's what the Defense of Marriage Act and a host of other laws addressing the lives of GBLTQ people mean.

But here's the thing -- and I assume this is preaching to the choir, but one never really knows who is going to stumble on my livejournal -- actually all this DoMA and related stuff effects you, the cisgendered straight people too.

Really.

Because you never, ever know what your life is going to look like.

Now, I'm not saying you're going to turn gay all of a sudden, and we certainly don't recruit. (Have you looked at my journal? When would we have time to recruit?) But I think most of us -- that's us humans -- reach a point in our lives, where we look around and we go "wow, this isn't how I thought it was all going to turn out."

Because yeah, I fell in love with a girl when I was nineteen, but I also spent years of my twenties desperately in love with men and wanting baby after baby.

I never thought I would be anything but a journalist. I never thought I would have an abortion. I never thought I'd one day put on a suit that didn't have darts and have it fit me perfectly. I never thought I'd have pets. I never thought I'd live in Harlem. I never thought I'd get diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I never thought I'd be an athlete. I never thought that my parents would adore my same-sex partner more than any boy I ever brought home.

I never thought.

Most of us don't.

My parents certainly never thought their kid would be gay.

So whoever you are reading this, if you haven't figured it out yet, your life is going to surprise you.

And until a whole bunch of laws change, one day (if it hasn't happened yet, if it doesn't happen all the time), you're going to be sitting in a bar or at brunch or in a friend's living room or in your parents' kitchen and you're going to realize that somehow, for some reason, you and someone else in that room aren't equals under the law. And, whether you come out ahead in that equation or not, if you really take a moment to understand what that means, it's going to chill you to the bone.

I live in the United States of America. And it's illegal for me to be treated as equal to some of you.

Now, the other point I want to address -- and that's what I'm doing, addressing this so I don't go into our living room and start ranting at my girl, AGAIN, about DoMA and Obama and how much we've fought for and how much we just haven't won yet, and how we can't wait because it's not fair that people can pass through this world without even knowing the legal semblance of equality and its cultural connotation of respect -- is that my equality as a human being isn't up for discussion.

Sure, the pundits can talk about it, the churches can preach. Obama can say the country has to move together to an understanding on this issue. I can be made abstract, and I can be told I am impatient or politically immature. Hell, my government can even issue legal arguments that imply I'm a dog-fucking pedophile.

But here's the thing. My equality? Not up for the discussion. Because I am as just as good as you. I am not lesser for my nature, nor simple for the rhetorical necessity of this focus on identity. I possess the same basic animating force as anyone else.

So y'all can debate about it all you want, from morals to timelines of acceptance.

But it doesn't change anything.

Doesn't change me.

Doesn't change the fucking ferocious dignity LGBTQ learn to live with from the moment they recognize they are somehow perceived as other, eventhough, you know, we're not.

We're just like you: mundane, over-worked and forgetting to pick up milk at the grocery store. We're just like you: awed at simple beauty and the various stupid and absurd poignancies of the human condition.

So yeah, debate it all you want. But it doesn't matter. Because it's not that you're wasting our time; it's that you're wasting yours.

So let's get over it and get this shit fixed.

The thing about stuff like DoMA is this: it's embarrassing.

It diminishes us.

And by us I don't mean LGBTQ people, I mean everyone. I mean it makes us look like a nation of frightened children.

And maybe we are.

We all are, sometimes, in the dark. But sometimes the only way to deal with fear is just... to pretend we're not scared and force ourselves to breathe until the morning comes.

We can do that, can't we? The myth of America extends that far, right? Sea to shining sea? Manifest destiny? All that bullshit? Maybe equality can be the new West. Sound like a plan?

Time to get on with it then, because the fear is so deeply unbecoming both our nation and our natures, and I for one expect better than that.

Not just of me. But of you.

Comments

[valkyrwench.livejournal.com]

Word.

[rmjwell.livejournal.com]

This is a fantastic declaration and deserves an even wider audience; have you thought of submitting it for publication to a mainstream outlet?

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

Linked on my FB. If they don't get it after reading this, they never will.

[ilyena_sylph]

This is amazing. Thank you.

*mostly tongue in cheek* Can I staple it to some church doors?

[elynne.livejournal.com]

YES. THIS. Thank you.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

A lot of people don't understand that when someone passes a law restricting freedom, it cuts away at THEIR freedom -- whether or not they'd ever personally USE that freedom.

It's STILL a loss.

[mamadar.livejournal.com]

Thank you for another clear and cogent post, and let me tell you the small hope that I keep holding on to: I cannot remember the source of this observation, but some rare wise person on the Internet said that laws are not made to prevent things that aren't happening. We are seeing legislation against same-sex marriages and other changes because those things are happening. And the legislation amounts to closing the barn door after all the horses have got out. The legislation, shameful as it is, will not endure. The changes in marriage will.

[silmaril.livejournal.com]

Can I forward this as a link to a friend who's not on LJ?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Yup, feel free.

[ckd]

You know, if you're going to keep posting all these annoyingly well-written things that half my flist links to, I'm just going to have to add you to my flist directly so I can save time.

So there!

(I am pleased to be able to say that when DOMA was voted on both of my Senators as well as my then-Representative all voted NAY.)

[tommx.livejournal.com]

I only wish I were in a position to do more about this. I try to be vocal on the subject when I can. Most people seem to be dismissive of it because they figure the only reason I am so vocal about it is that I have a brother and mother in law who are gay. Well, yeah, I do, and yes, that perhaps has informed some of my opinion, but...

This is a question of human rights. It's not a matter for debate because these rights are ALREADY guaranteed by the constitution. The Defense of Marriage act is a direct contradiction to those rights. The really disgusting thing is that it's only purpose really was to curry favor with the radical Christian conservatives, better known as bigots who think God is on their side.

All I really have is the forums I post in, and I'm pretty consistent and vocal in them. Mostly I just preach to the choir, but I also write my congresspeople regularly.

This shit does need to be fixed. It diminishes us all.

[laughingirl.livejournal.com]

Great post.

[random-girl.livejournal.com]

The brief written to support DOMA, just for its existence after the President basically told the LGBT community that he would get to them, but was working on really important things which is why he wasn't currently addressing Don't Ask, Don't Tell, infuriated me. You cannot say you don't have time for a group of people to elevate them, and then allow a dept under your control to continue to fight to denigrate them.

Right after that stunt I received a request for money donations to help his healthcare reform. Well, let me say that whoever handles those donations has gotten an earful--snail mail and email.

Obama's gesture to the community yesterday was as much as he could legally do as President without an act of Congress, but it still seemed stilted and far too late. At lease he reiterated the desire to get rid of DOMA. But I guess, if he feels so strongly about getting rid of it, couldn't he just tell the Justice Dept. to let it go/stop arguing for it?

It makes my husband's blood boil. How can you look at people and say that love between consenting adults is to be equated with pedophilia and incest?

I am with Rachel Maddow on this one; was yesterday an inadequate and single gesture, or the start of something better, something promised? I am hoping for the latter, but am prepared to not be surprised if it is the former.

[dramedy.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Thank you for saying exactly how I feel. Thank you.

[kirby-crow.livejournal.com]

Thank you so very much for this excellent post. I don't have the words right now to tell you how many levels it got me on. Linking to it later, if ok?

(Reply to this)

[rm.livejournal.com]

And thank you.

Totally okay.

[sillermoon.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty new to your journal but I you have already made me think about things two or three times. I'd like to link to this on my own lj and possibly my facebook if I get the guts to do so.

I just deleted a whole bunch of personal stuff here, but the short version is my life in its entirety so far is not what I would have expected as a kid. And though I love him dearly, my husband definitely needs to hear things like this so that he understands it like I do.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thanks and yes, feel free.

The hardest work in this is the people who have to do what you do. Standing up to the peopel we care about when they express biases that they are largely culturally rewarded for is not a fun time.

[(Anonymous)]

I'll admit-- I cheered out loud while reading this. It should immediately be forwarded to President Obama's blackberry. I hope you don't mind, but I linked to this on my facebook page.

*Note: I'm posting this as anonymous in a vain attempt to keep my facebook and LJ worlds from being forced to merge thereby showing the real world exactly how huge of a geek I really am.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Feel free. Linking it on Facebook is way more useful than linking it on LJ, as I feel like Facebook having more casual content allows us to have people in our circle who are more likely to need to hear this sort of thing.

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm here by way of tearsinger. Do you mind if I add you and link to this?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Hi, welcome and thanks. Feel free!

[arwyn.livejournal.com]

For some reason I was reminded of some old Everclear song lyrics, something about "you know the white men in the black suits, they are diminishing / they diminish you and they diminish me..." Ahem. Not that I spent my teenage years listening to Everclear (and somehow not noticing back then that every song was exactly the same) whenever I was angry or anything like that... oh dear.

Anyway, good on ya, probably gonna jump on that old linking bandwagon too. Hurrah for smart people on the internet!

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

It drives me up the wall that not only do many people not have equal rights, but there are creeps out there who think you shouldn't have them.

[ptor.livejournal.com]

"My equality? Not up for the discussion."

That's it, exactly. Keep it up!

[badger2305.livejournal.com]

"Not just of me. But of you."

Right on. Exactly. Thank you.

[girlygothic.livejournal.com]

I'm here via nisaa. This is wonderfully written. I'm putting a link in my own journal just to spread the word.

[horace-hamster.livejournal.com]

So true and so true and so true and so true.

Also, I live in New Zealand. We've had legal same-sex civil unions for years, and it hasn't been the end of the world for anyone's sanctified heterosexual marriage.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

May I repost this to readers_list?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Yup, feel free.

Brilliant

[nycowboy1965.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this important topic. I personally know how the lack of Marriage laws and protection can impact someone. I had lost my husband of 13 years suddenly 5 1/2 years ago. Just months before Massachusetts made the landmark decision to allow couple of the same sex to marry. I went thru 2 years of court battles and lost my home, because my husband died without a Will. His parents whom I called Mom & Dad for 12 years acted as if I was suddenly a stranger and did not exist and sent me eviction notices.

I ask only that anyone who is in a committed relationship to have a WILL drawn up to protect yourself and your loved one from your own family who will stop at nothing to claim you are nothing and to take everything you own away from you.

Also, don't fool yourself and give me the line of you don't understand our relationship with their family; it is great relationship. I can tell you I had a great relationship until he died. I received many letters and emails from his brother, sister, aunts & uncles stating how embarrassed they are that his dad & mom are being so cruel and awful, and how they tried to intervene on my behalf, but this was to no-avail.

Thank you

Re: Brilliant

[griffen.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the horrid treatment your husband's family gave you. Thank you for underscoring the importance of having legal paperwork to protect you in case the unthinkable happens.