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Jan. 7th, 2004 06:40 amI had a weird manic cleaning fit last night, which was brought on by nothing related. I am not a manic cleaning fit sort of girl -- I don't clean when I'm stressed, or bored or whatever, and really only do it when I absolutely have to, with a rather loose definition of "have to". I remain startled by it. But I had to _do_ something, and it was there to be done.
I'm working on The Manchurian Candidate next week, for a period of time that I won't know until Sunday at the earliest, which doesn't do wonders for setting any sort of schedule for anything else, but so it goes. All concerned are being cool about it, and my anxiety is entirely far flung and non-specific.
I've been thrown into another fit of "oh my god I am not doing _anything_" which is utterly insane as I am working 64 hours this week. 64 hours. That said, I'm thrilled to have found 64 hours of work, which once current Ebay stuff concludes will resolve current bills and my excitement with the NYS tax thing that's been going on. This combined with it being January and finaly having new creative stuff on my plate should, and does, thrill me.
It's absurd to wish I'd been raised with a better work ethic. I mean, I work _hard_, but I also procrastinate and know how to coast better than most. I dislike this about myself, and can't see a way around it, other than reading crap that inspires me and having manic cleaning fits. This from a woman who was up at 5:30, will work until 8:30, work at another job from 9 - 5, then go do freelance work until about 7:30 today, and then come home and crash and do nearly the same thing tomorrow. I might have Sunday off, but if I can move the work I normally do Monday (when I will probably be filming) to Sunday, then it's no time off until next weekend. And rightfully so.
It's not that I can't relax. Relaxation is doing something. It's that I can't waste time, which I do in ten and twenty minute chunks all day long.
What on earth will make me feel like I am getting something done in my life?
I'm working on The Manchurian Candidate next week, for a period of time that I won't know until Sunday at the earliest, which doesn't do wonders for setting any sort of schedule for anything else, but so it goes. All concerned are being cool about it, and my anxiety is entirely far flung and non-specific.
I've been thrown into another fit of "oh my god I am not doing _anything_" which is utterly insane as I am working 64 hours this week. 64 hours. That said, I'm thrilled to have found 64 hours of work, which once current Ebay stuff concludes will resolve current bills and my excitement with the NYS tax thing that's been going on. This combined with it being January and finaly having new creative stuff on my plate should, and does, thrill me.
It's absurd to wish I'd been raised with a better work ethic. I mean, I work _hard_, but I also procrastinate and know how to coast better than most. I dislike this about myself, and can't see a way around it, other than reading crap that inspires me and having manic cleaning fits. This from a woman who was up at 5:30, will work until 8:30, work at another job from 9 - 5, then go do freelance work until about 7:30 today, and then come home and crash and do nearly the same thing tomorrow. I might have Sunday off, but if I can move the work I normally do Monday (when I will probably be filming) to Sunday, then it's no time off until next weekend. And rightfully so.
It's not that I can't relax. Relaxation is doing something. It's that I can't waste time, which I do in ten and twenty minute chunks all day long.
What on earth will make me feel like I am getting something done in my life?
