(no subject)

Everything happens for a reason. I know a lot of people can't stand that idea, so I mostly only say it to myself and leave plenty of room for "well, sometimes it just does" like when you asked why as a kid and your mom said "because!" I've little problem with the universe being equally irrational, and I've certainly seen enough proof of it.

That said, I'm pretty sure I know why I'm not in Bonn now, and I'm pretty sure I'm glad of it, and with new information I've been granted this morning it seems the reasons I was given aren't even the case -- it was just an opportunity for a tempertantrum on both sides, and it was taken.

I sort of had to step up and be a man about a situation last night that while of my own making was nested inside something that doesn't really have that much to do with me other than the degree to which the lives of the people around us matter to us. I imagine I won't know the results of that for some time, and because it was in a way an utterly new experience to me, I'm rather sure I missed the mark, but it was an extraordinarily interesting experience, as least for the small part of me that had the luxury of standing back and watching.

I watched the Emmys last night. The Emmys have no pulse. And I missed the new Jack and Bobby. Grrrr. Stupid me.

Got lots of clothes back from the drycleaners yesterday and brought my down jacket in (it's sooo cold). A skirt that I really like still has several small spots on it. THey are probably less screechingly obvious than I think they are, but they're making me miserable, and I'm trying to figure out if the skirt is ruined or if I can accessorize around it (or make some sort of gauzy overskirt).

I've felt fundamentally weak in the last few weeks, despite the force with which I've been going after stuff. I've been disheartened by a long list of things mostly beyond my control and not about me (stage combat people never caling me bac no matter how many times I called them, this crap with Bonn, acting crap that's already been covered here in depth etc.) The cooler weather which I normally love has made me depressed and I've had dreams that have been the worst intersection of my past, present and maybe future. It has in short sucked, and I've been trying not to take it too much to heart. I always say I'm a lucky person, but I never say which sort of luck, and I've always had streaks one way or the other. Things feel better today, for whatever reason. I've the certitude which I've been lacking.

Of course, today's fit of satorial brilliance helps. This is going to be a good Fall for the indulgence of my clothing whimsies.