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Feb. 12th, 2005 04:24 amThis has been _such_ a fucked up roller-coaster of a night. From a whole bunch of types of good to a whole bunch of different types of bad.
I'm having a hard time adjusting to NYC still. I hate the realization that I simply can't be free of my neuroses here because I grew up here and I will always remember how to feel persecuted here. And I'm not sure how I feel about the realization that it wasn't that I convinced myself that I loved Sydney sight unseen, but that I convinced myself it loved me sight unseen -- and that's the thing about New York -- I can love it all I want, but the bitch don't love back, which is _fine_ until you've been somewhere else. It'll be better when it's warm. It'll be better when I'm not menstruating. It'll be better when there's daylight and I can go to bed at midnight every night and get up at five a.m. (because really, that's the schedule that makes me feel happiest and most productive, but I can't do it in this season).
I'm having a hard time adjusting to NYC still. I hate the realization that I simply can't be free of my neuroses here because I grew up here and I will always remember how to feel persecuted here. And I'm not sure how I feel about the realization that it wasn't that I convinced myself that I loved Sydney sight unseen, but that I convinced myself it loved me sight unseen -- and that's the thing about New York -- I can love it all I want, but the bitch don't love back, which is _fine_ until you've been somewhere else. It'll be better when it's warm. It'll be better when I'm not menstruating. It'll be better when there's daylight and I can go to bed at midnight every night and get up at five a.m. (because really, that's the schedule that makes me feel happiest and most productive, but I can't do it in this season).
