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rambling Glee metaness
So, since this is pretty much "fanfiction problems, film at 11" I'm writing here as opposed to LfT, although maybe a version of this will go on on LfT later?
I am, as we all know, really, really digging the hell out of this Blaine/Kurt thing both in the show and in fandom. And,I'm finding a lot of stuff about how it's presented, both in the show and in fandom, that makes me very happy.
But I'm also finding a lot of landmines, not in terms of "oh god, fandom is so offensive" but in terms of "these are really tricky waters to navigate."
In my own little universe that I'm writing, I've made a lot of stuff hand-wavey and easy, in a way that isn't entirely realistic, but sort of fits with the Glee universe where unlikely crap needs to happen just so crap can happen. We've really got Blaine's dad effectively kicking him out of the house and buying him an apartment? We've really got two eighteen-year-olds shacking up together and it's not a fucking disaster?
Part of me feels a little guilty writing that way, because shit doesn't tend to work out that way. On the other hand, Glee is a fantasy, especially as regards the Kurt/Blaine plot-line, even in canon.
And part of me, having had a weird life -- being queer, going to my ridiculous private school (I cannot emphasize enough how much Dalton reads as exactly like it), being friends with a group of kids who were all fending for ourselves in college in really odd ways and for really odd reasons -- has seen shit like this happen. Lots of parents buying kids apartments just to so make them go away -- and some of those kids were like "okay, so I'll work a couple of jobs and go to school and be an adult and it'll be awesome" and some of those kids were like "shit, I have this great place and no money for dinner so I'll bounce a check at the grocery store to get some groceries because I have no other choices." Lots of completely, completely ridiculous crap went down all the time. Are my Kurt and Blaine based on any of those circumstances? No. Would they have fit in as one more fucked up things going on amongst people I knew when I was 18? yeah.
One of the other things I'm trying to do, even as yes, it's cute and yes it's fluffy is that it's not all hearts and flowers. And not just because Blaine's dad is an asshole. But because college can be weird and isolating, especially if you're not doing it like other people (I lived on campus on and off my first year, having to flee to stay at friends apartments for months at a time, because the school didn't protect me from extreme bullying due to my sexuality; I also worked full-time, and it was all just really _hard_). And I want there to be these little undercurrents of depression in the story, not just because of Blaine's dad (although that topic is coming back in a huge way in the next one), but because I don't think Kurt ever planned to go to conservatory, and it's not maybe what he really wants, but it seems like a bad plan to turn down. And I'm not really sure Blaine's doing what he wants either, but he's smart and well off and got into one of those sorts of schools, and it's reflex. They both miss competing, they both miss being stars in a world they understood, they miss having peers, they are exhausted by playing house, and neither of them were at all ready for this step in their relationship -- they don't have the communication skills, they're still figuring out the sex thing, and when you're on your own at 18 in this way, you're not really allowed to be scared and have doubts because the whole thing collapses if you do. I think it's a hot mess. And it's weighing on Blaine particularly.
Then there are the things that I am finding weird and challenging as a queer reader and queer writer. For one, I finally get in a personal as opposed to abstract way why H/C can be ableist and awful just by it's mere existence, regardless of how well its written. Because hey, this is the homophobia as H/C, fandom! And I'm playing with that a little bit too. And seeing that structure around oppressions I experience makes me able to grok instinctively what I've accepted as true about a lot of H/C in a way I haven't before.
Anyway, sure, I'm queer, and sure I have a personal story that involves really epic horrible homophobia in my life, and we can talk about how honest my desire for this sort of homophobia H/C is, not as a polemic, but as a salving of personal wounds, or as a baddie for a fairytale-structure -- because again Glee is a fantasy -- but I'm still writing and reading in some pretty potentially squicky waters, especially when the basic universe I'm writing in is: here's a lot of hurt, and here's a lot of comfort and all of it is about being gay. How do I make that satisfying for me? Or the reader? Without romanticizing hardship while still romanticizing getting through hardship? I don't fucking know. I think it's why Burt shows up so much though, as he sort of tugs both ends of the H/C mess into some sort of line of reasonableness.
Finally, there's the matter of stereotypes and queerness. One thing I've been excited by in Glee fandom is that at least the stuff I've been reading, really hasn't been turning Kurt into the girl. I can't figure out why, but I'm thrilled beyond measure. Is it that he's feminine enough that people are letting him retain his gender as written on the show? Because I think about the way people make Ianto the girl in a deeply heteronormative way in Torchwood fandom, and that's not happening here.
In fact, if it's happening in fandom anywhere, it's happening about Blaine. Which is super interesting. Because we do have Blaine as this guy who is a leader at his school, and doesn't dress flamboyantly and likes football, but he's also this guy who chats about Vogue covers with his boyfriend. It's a very balanced, mellow image. And I read a ton of stories that both adhere to that, but also play with it in terms of Kurt really having to be the one who takes care of Blaine (who tends to fuck shit up by thinking he's more of an adult than he is). Some of that is adorable (and to be frank, speaks to me, because I seem like the loud, together, in charge sort of person, and Patty really does have to be the soothing voice of reason with me a lot, especially when Ia m overreaching), some of that is written around this sense of Blaine performing his own identity (and gosh, can we talk about his hair and the whole performing WASPness at Dalton when he's not thing?), but some of it is in that style of "we need a w00bie, and it's not Kurt." But when people do that, weird things tend to happen, and more than other fandoms, here I find people writing the gay couple aren't producing texts that seem more like they are about a het couple, but texts that seem more like they are about lesbian couples (if not actually seeming like what they are about what they are supposed to be about, which is the story of two young men). Or something. It's super bizarre, and I haven't figured it all out yet.
Meanwhile, the only fanon I've really noticed consistently: - Blaine is really loud in bed. EVERY STORY (including mine).
Canon thing everyone is obsessed with? Kurt being taller than Blaine. And I am among the guilty. But I chalk that up to the continuing OH MY GOD WHEN IS PATTY (who is taller than me) GOING TO BE HOME? thing.
This fandom is so compelling to me, in part, because it's not behaving in its transformative choices the way I understand fandom to behave. Super exciting. Slightly bizarre. Giant minefield.
I am, as we all know, really, really digging the hell out of this Blaine/Kurt thing both in the show and in fandom. And,I'm finding a lot of stuff about how it's presented, both in the show and in fandom, that makes me very happy.
But I'm also finding a lot of landmines, not in terms of "oh god, fandom is so offensive" but in terms of "these are really tricky waters to navigate."
In my own little universe that I'm writing, I've made a lot of stuff hand-wavey and easy, in a way that isn't entirely realistic, but sort of fits with the Glee universe where unlikely crap needs to happen just so crap can happen. We've really got Blaine's dad effectively kicking him out of the house and buying him an apartment? We've really got two eighteen-year-olds shacking up together and it's not a fucking disaster?
Part of me feels a little guilty writing that way, because shit doesn't tend to work out that way. On the other hand, Glee is a fantasy, especially as regards the Kurt/Blaine plot-line, even in canon.
And part of me, having had a weird life -- being queer, going to my ridiculous private school (I cannot emphasize enough how much Dalton reads as exactly like it), being friends with a group of kids who were all fending for ourselves in college in really odd ways and for really odd reasons -- has seen shit like this happen. Lots of parents buying kids apartments just to so make them go away -- and some of those kids were like "okay, so I'll work a couple of jobs and go to school and be an adult and it'll be awesome" and some of those kids were like "shit, I have this great place and no money for dinner so I'll bounce a check at the grocery store to get some groceries because I have no other choices." Lots of completely, completely ridiculous crap went down all the time. Are my Kurt and Blaine based on any of those circumstances? No. Would they have fit in as one more fucked up things going on amongst people I knew when I was 18? yeah.
One of the other things I'm trying to do, even as yes, it's cute and yes it's fluffy is that it's not all hearts and flowers. And not just because Blaine's dad is an asshole. But because college can be weird and isolating, especially if you're not doing it like other people (I lived on campus on and off my first year, having to flee to stay at friends apartments for months at a time, because the school didn't protect me from extreme bullying due to my sexuality; I also worked full-time, and it was all just really _hard_). And I want there to be these little undercurrents of depression in the story, not just because of Blaine's dad (although that topic is coming back in a huge way in the next one), but because I don't think Kurt ever planned to go to conservatory, and it's not maybe what he really wants, but it seems like a bad plan to turn down. And I'm not really sure Blaine's doing what he wants either, but he's smart and well off and got into one of those sorts of schools, and it's reflex. They both miss competing, they both miss being stars in a world they understood, they miss having peers, they are exhausted by playing house, and neither of them were at all ready for this step in their relationship -- they don't have the communication skills, they're still figuring out the sex thing, and when you're on your own at 18 in this way, you're not really allowed to be scared and have doubts because the whole thing collapses if you do. I think it's a hot mess. And it's weighing on Blaine particularly.
Then there are the things that I am finding weird and challenging as a queer reader and queer writer. For one, I finally get in a personal as opposed to abstract way why H/C can be ableist and awful just by it's mere existence, regardless of how well its written. Because hey, this is the homophobia as H/C, fandom! And I'm playing with that a little bit too. And seeing that structure around oppressions I experience makes me able to grok instinctively what I've accepted as true about a lot of H/C in a way I haven't before.
Anyway, sure, I'm queer, and sure I have a personal story that involves really epic horrible homophobia in my life, and we can talk about how honest my desire for this sort of homophobia H/C is, not as a polemic, but as a salving of personal wounds, or as a baddie for a fairytale-structure -- because again Glee is a fantasy -- but I'm still writing and reading in some pretty potentially squicky waters, especially when the basic universe I'm writing in is: here's a lot of hurt, and here's a lot of comfort and all of it is about being gay. How do I make that satisfying for me? Or the reader? Without romanticizing hardship while still romanticizing getting through hardship? I don't fucking know. I think it's why Burt shows up so much though, as he sort of tugs both ends of the H/C mess into some sort of line of reasonableness.
Finally, there's the matter of stereotypes and queerness. One thing I've been excited by in Glee fandom is that at least the stuff I've been reading, really hasn't been turning Kurt into the girl. I can't figure out why, but I'm thrilled beyond measure. Is it that he's feminine enough that people are letting him retain his gender as written on the show? Because I think about the way people make Ianto the girl in a deeply heteronormative way in Torchwood fandom, and that's not happening here.
In fact, if it's happening in fandom anywhere, it's happening about Blaine. Which is super interesting. Because we do have Blaine as this guy who is a leader at his school, and doesn't dress flamboyantly and likes football, but he's also this guy who chats about Vogue covers with his boyfriend. It's a very balanced, mellow image. And I read a ton of stories that both adhere to that, but also play with it in terms of Kurt really having to be the one who takes care of Blaine (who tends to fuck shit up by thinking he's more of an adult than he is). Some of that is adorable (and to be frank, speaks to me, because I seem like the loud, together, in charge sort of person, and Patty really does have to be the soothing voice of reason with me a lot, especially when Ia m overreaching), some of that is written around this sense of Blaine performing his own identity (and gosh, can we talk about his hair and the whole performing WASPness at Dalton when he's not thing?), but some of it is in that style of "we need a w00bie, and it's not Kurt." But when people do that, weird things tend to happen, and more than other fandoms, here I find people writing the gay couple aren't producing texts that seem more like they are about a het couple, but texts that seem more like they are about lesbian couples (if not actually seeming like what they are about what they are supposed to be about, which is the story of two young men). Or something. It's super bizarre, and I haven't figured it all out yet.
Meanwhile, the only fanon I've really noticed consistently: - Blaine is really loud in bed. EVERY STORY (including mine).
Canon thing everyone is obsessed with? Kurt being taller than Blaine. And I am among the guilty. But I chalk that up to the continuing OH MY GOD WHEN IS PATTY (who is taller than me) GOING TO BE HOME? thing.
This fandom is so compelling to me, in part, because it's not behaving in its transformative choices the way I understand fandom to behave. Super exciting. Slightly bizarre. Giant minefield.
no subject
I struggled with this last part of the AV!verse because, in that story, the main obstacle is about to be overcome, and they're going to have to make some big decisions about how to go forward, and they react to that in very different ways - Kurt's a pragmatist & a planner, no matter how much he says he likes romance, whereas Blaine is much more likely to take things as they come and respond to them immediately. But I'm afraid putting in a proposal scene (which wasn't, really, but that's how it's being read, and that's fine) is a very, very traditional view on partnership and adulthood and although I think that's appropriate for these characters and where they are in the context of the story, I do worry about it, in terms of realistic expectations for their lives, etc.
It's an interesting time to be writing for this very young couple, considering all of the politics and cultural drift happening, and I also think that's part of why I end up writing so much joy love whee!!! for them, because (a) part of the joy of Blaine was the look on Kurt's face during Teenage Dream; and (b) we live in hope, etc.
Anyway. Not to derail, but this was a thought-provoking post. Looking forward to the next installment! (and someday I will actually comment on the previous ones; I'm notoriously bad about commenting, but they were *lovely*.)
no subject
I am finding it such a stretch to be writing for such young characters. I'm 38 and my partner is twelve years younger than me. Just between she and I there's this huge gap on how we see stuff like marriage and the culture and words we prefer to use for each other and all that stuff. And then when I try to figure out what all this shit is like for someone who is 16 now -- wow, so complicated.
I DEVOURED all of your fic last night. It's so grate. I really appreciated you trying to show us lots of different gay cultures and ways of doing things in how Kurt and Blaine both are dealing with monogamy and sexuality and compromise differently, but ultimately in ways that are honorable and not dangerous, even if some of Kurt's choices may seem a bit edgy to some readers. It really blew me out of the water.