Doctor Who

( S5, only through 'Vampires of Venice' )

Right, so in three days I'll be in a plane over the Atlantic. I can't even process it. I think the idea that I can break this mood is probably bullshit. I'm just going to be in a weird space for a few days, and it is what it is.

In speaking with my mother on the phone earlier it occurred to me, not for the first time, but for the first time in a while, that I can only write -- in any genre, really -- from a place of sadness, of longing, of desire, of mourning, regardless of whether I'm writing something sad or not. It's just one of those Ways That I Am, but right now I feel very tired out by it.

My mother was saying how my paper is about something so neat and fun earlier, and I was like "Mom, it's awesome. I love what I'm doing work on, and I think my subject is fascinating, and quirky, and beautiful and really, really elegant. But it's sad. And it's exhausting to have to spend so much time in other people's grief, some of which I share and some of which I don't understand at all. And I do it every day, because I'm looking at everything I'm reading and watching through this lens, every day. I watch a show I love, and I sit there watching it through 'he's dead, he's dead, he's dead' so no matter how excited I am by this scholarship, RIGHT NOW I AM VERY TIRED."

Getting to say that made me feel about 200% better, too. But death project moratorium for a week post-Bristol (it's one reason I'm doing the Imperial War Museum before the conference and not after) before I start working on the D*C presentation. I suspect this will all feel moderately different on July 10. I can't wait. Take me there.

Meanwhile, as much as I don't buy this Doctor as a sexual creature (Nine wanted to fuck, Ten wanted to have his heart broken, Eleven doesn't want to think about how fucked up he was as Nine and Ten), anyone got any Amy/Rory/Eleven that will change my mind?

(no subject)

Woke up from sudden severe back pain on my left side. So bad I could barely dress myself. Now waiting at urgent care. Really scared. Worried this may mean no Bristol.

(no subject)

Have iv. Pain meds coming (not the good stuff; I hate narcotics). Think it's kidney stone or infection. Are relatively optimistic about Bristol. Want my Patty. Can't stop thinking about my paper and crying.

so that happened

At about 5am, I sat bolt-upright in bed from a sound sleep in agonizing pain in my left lower back. My first assumption was that it was a muscle cramp¹ and an initial hot shower seemed to help. Afterwards, I laid in bed, but no position was comfortable, Googling kidney things. The pain started to increase again and I took another shower that didn't help.

But the time I got back to my bedroom, I could not move my left leg except by physically lifting it with my hands because of the amount of pain I was in. I got dressed, shaking (this is probably when i first started going into shock), and somehow got myself downstairs and into a cab, but I could not stand upright and all positions were agony.

At urgent care it got much worse and they told me I would either need to take a cab to the ER or an ambulance. I didn't think I could do it a second time, and asked for the ambulance (I have insurance, but worry, A LOT over what the bill is going to be for all this). I was definitely in shock by the time I arrived at the ER, with a BP of 103/50 and a heart rate in the 80s. I remember my temperature, which had been normal, spiking weirdly too. So that was fucking lovely.

At some random point I realized I didn't know what hospital they'd brought me to and effectively didn't know where I was.

They got me on an IV pretty quick and a lot of things happened I don't remember the order of, but I was twittering it, because I thought it would distract me or some shit. They did a pregnancy test. I was cranky (but I just want you to know, I was really really nice to everyone!). Eventually the doctor came in and said it sounded like a kidney stone or infection.

Kept telling everyone I had to be on a plane to Bristol on Wednesday night. "You'll get there," everyone kept assuring me.

Had a cat scan.

Turns out it's a kidney stone, about 2mm. I should pass it on my own, within the next week. It's moved out of the kidney, so the worst of the pain should be over, but until it gets to my bladder, there might be some more. Which is all fucking lovely when I have to get on a plane in two days (First my Mac, now this? WHAT THE FUCK UNIVERSE?).

The bad news is I have at least a 50% chance of recurrence, and that's before we consider my family history (my father has had surgery for stones and had them for YEARS). The other bad news is that because of all of this they want me to radically reduce my intake of meat and cheese, which would be less difficult if I didn't have celiac disease and have to eat a ridiculous amount of calories daily and am funny about food texture. So when I get back I'll go to a nutritionist or something.

Right now I have some aching², occasional twinges and am completely exhausted. And I want to punch a bunch of dead fictional characters in the face. Patty's probably even crankier, since she got woken up with all this too as I paged her in Ohio at some point around the ambulance portion of the morning.³

Fucking hell.

Prescriptions filled.⁴

Also, and this is totally gross, but Internet, I MUST TELL YOU: they gave me a strainer so I can see when the stone passes.⁵

---

¹ I've had a few intermittent incidents in the last couple of months where I've felt like I've thrown out this same part of my back in bed, but now suspect this has been the stone all along.
² By which I mean it feels like I've been punched in the kidney by someone who knew what they were doing.
³ Fucking kidney stones. Baby, your girlfriend is old.
⁴ CVS has me down as a man.
⁵ Come on, we all know you come here for the fun trivia.

[TW fic] A Better Plan (Jack, Ianto, Gwen)

Title: A Better Plan
Rating: G
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys in absentia
Notes: Written for writerinadrawer round 4.04. Please follow the link to see the parameters of this challenge.

( Gwen sat next to Ianto, leaning against his shoulder. )