LJ Idol, Topic 6: Urban Legends - alligator vs. chihuahua

[rm]

New York is a city of lonely monsters, although whether more so for its children or their paranoid parents, I couldn't tell you.

There are the alligators, removed from Florida as babies to serve as pets and then abandoned to the society of the New York sewer system as they grow. There are the very real rats of the subways; and their friends the roaches that will likely survive nuclear winter; and of course there has always been and will always be specter of human monsters real, like Joel Steinberg and Hedda Nussbaum, and those of far more dubious solidity, like the dudes giving out free LSD on Donald Duck postage stamps or the white slavers my parents were always certain were going to get me. This, of course, was one of those concepts I never quite grasped when I was nine and thought it meant that I'd wind up a scullery maid to some princess of Arabia or India, draped in scarves and bedecked in diamonds.

Of course, a city of monsters requires constant birth, in mind if not flesh. There must be teeming.

Which is how the chihuahua thing started. Sort of.

When I was 22 I lived with a guy named Greg. We eventually broke up, and he got together with another girl in our Internet social circle who lived in Canada. She had a sister and one day when they were visiting, in the spirit of amicable sophistication that we all thought we possessed, all of us and several others went to brunch at Old Devil Moon.

Greg asked me how the packs of wild chihuahuas that had roamed our neighborhood were doing. What he was referring to was a dude down the block who had ten and walked them in a little flock, but before I could answer or explain the sister goes "Oh my god, WHAT?!??"

So I ran with it.

"Oh, yeah, it's a big problem here. They're feral and have diseases and stuff. They get up into the walls of buildings and die in there and really fucking stink; they eat people's trash and stuff. And the animal groups get all upset about population control and extermination and stuff, but sometimes kids get bitten by rabid ones, and it's a pretty serious thing. They cause a lot of the asthma in the projects too."

She totally believed it. And everyone else I was with was so flabbergasted they just let me keep going and going and going, and it was only months later that we broke the news that there was not, in fact, a chihuahua infestation problem in New York City's East Village.

I, of course, use this story all the time -- usually at auditions when casting folk ask me to tell a funny story about myself. More recently, I've become enamored of the idea of doing a mockumentary about the chihuahua infestation and have vaguely cast all sorts of friends in it. I have, however, generally been short of chihuahuas, and so went to Craigslist looking for actor dogs.

Craigslist, on the odd chance you didn't know, it totally harboring a million insane people who all deserve to be urban legends themselves, and my responses included a woman who directed me to her MySpace page all about how her boyfriend owns her but also featuring pictures of her chihuahua TANK (yes, TANK is always entirely capitalized) and a dog trainer who claims to have a chihuahua that can hail Satan.

So while the chihuahua infestation is both not real and not even a real urban legend, I feel glad that my fictional and apparently easy to fall for dog rodents have a feral society and move in packs, because really? I still feel totally bad for the abandoned alligator babies.

Comments

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

Did you post about TANK here? It sounds familiar to me for some reason.

Ah, urban legends. I would totally watch a mockumentary about chihuahuas.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Probably. TANK is hard to forget.

[puppetmaker40.livejournal.com]

Bwwhhaahaahaahaaa....I needed a good laugh today and this was it.

I think the mocumentary is a great idea to show the dangers of the chihuahua infestation. One of the few dogs that has ever bit me without provocation.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Hahahah. I sort of like them, but for the absurdity factor. They are mean little fuckers though.

[redstapler.livejournal.com]

I can just see packs of wild chihuahuas, roaming the streets, shaking in fear and cold, and for lack of sweaters and rich women to carry them in purses.

[magnetgirl.livejournal.com]

One of my late Father's favorite jokes:

A man is walking on the Upper East Side when he spies an obviously wealthy woman of the neighborhood carrying a shih tzu in her arms. As he passes her on the street, he inquires, "Oh my god, what happened to your little dog? Can't he walk?"

Turning her nose in the air, the woman responds, "Of COURSE he can walk, but thank GOD he doesn't have to!

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

...jointly chanting, "Here, lizard lizard lizard...?"

[browneyedgirl65.livejournal.com]

OK, You made me snort my tea picturing the pack of feral chi's roaming the sreets. Attack! ATTACK! AAAAATTTTAAACCCKKKK! ;-)

[rm.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I can _hear_ them.

[lawnrrd]

Of course the dog can hail Satan, as can any dog. But will the fiend come when the dog calls?

And there needs to be a pug/goblin connection.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Oh oh oh! Feral chihuahuas versus the goblins in the streets of NYC! This has movie written all over it.

[dipping_sauce]

I still feel totally bad for the abandoned alligator babies.

They're not abandoned for long; the mutants that live in the sewers adopt them as pets!

[rm.livejournal.com]

Ah, Futurama.

[lilerthkwake.livejournal.com]

"...because really? I still feel totally bad for the abandoned alligator babies."

:-)

[nobodyreally.livejournal.com]

chuckle

We once told someone who had just moved to the Morthwest that there were flying slugs - sort of like flying squirrels - that would jump down on you from the evergreens (esp cedars) and years later she still believed it.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Daaaaang.

[magnetgirl.livejournal.com]

I convinced a friend that my then-boyfriend had gone over Niagra Falls in a barrel, and she bought it, so I kept going too: it evolved to "Over the falls in a barrel, naked, with his then girlfriend while drunk...the only reason they survived is that they were so drunk the impact of the water didn't harm them because they were totally relaxed! Like when cats fall!"

Speak about something unknown to someone with authority and 9 times out of 10 they'll buy it. It's hilarious.

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

Actually, it's only 8 times out of 10. Trust me.

Create your own urban legend...

[abbismom.livejournal.com]

Awesome entry!

Re: Create your own urban legend...

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[wherdafux-d-cat.livejournal.com]

Chihuahua infestation! Les Nessman will have a live report at 11:00! :)

(Thanks for making me laugh on a grey day.)

[rm.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

and yeah, i really want it to make the 10 o'clock news.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

Are there still squatters in the East Village? It would be really funny if the Squat the Lot people had to wear armor made out of metal trash cans to protect themselves fro the rabig feral ankle biters.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Hahaha. No, not in a long time. There may be one or two squats still, but honestly, an apartment the size of what we have up hear in Spanish Harlem (which is pretty ghetto) down there owuld cost at least twice what we are paying now.

[mme-furiosa.livejournal.com]

Haha! I love the idea of a rat-dog infestation. I would hate to have a run in with such a nasty, yappy pack of beasts. Their method of killing: annoying their victims to death.

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

LOLOLOL!!!!

[vavaverity.livejournal.com]

LOL I nearly spit out a perfectly good sip of wine reading this... hysterical!

[lordrexfear.livejournal.com]

Rev. Jen's dog coulda led the chihuahua dog revolution. Sadly I believe that dog passed on.

Rev. Jen is small enough to lead the revolution herself. She's pratcially an Urban Legend herself.

Chihuahua rampage, that's fab.

[lacombe.livejournal.com]

:-) I love keeping people going with bizarre stories. I'm a little TOO good at it, though; I tend to get myself in trouble.

[justtakisha.livejournal.com]

That was hysterical. I can't imagine seeing someone with so many freaking chihuahua's. It is even more awesome to hear your story about them in that way. hahaha.
Sadly my chihuahua doesn't do much. Doesn't bark at people. Just laid back. And gay.

hahahaha

[n-decisive.livejournal.com]

I want a laid back, gay chihuahua!

::gets Christmas list out::

"Dear Gay Santa..."

[n-decisive.livejournal.com]

Walking ten chihuahuas at once is either a feat of sheer will, or an act of insanity. Two of them is enough to drive a person bonkers.

[lttledvl.livejournal.com]

Wild chihuahuas! Lol!

[monkeysugarmama.livejournal.com]

Chihuahuas definitely deserve an urban legend!

Once or twice I have had the pleasure of starting one myself, but generally start laughing before I can get the whole story out :)

[anchasta.livejournal.com]

That's my problem, too! I just don't have the pokerface to pull it off - unless I'm talking to someone inebriated or a small easily impressed-upon child.

[anchasta.livejournal.com]

Great entry, RM!