Politics Will Break Your Heart

[rm]

Politics will break your heart. If it doesn't, you're probably not doing it right. Either that, or you're damn lucky.

When I was seventeen, I went to North Carolina to campaign for Harvey Gantt against Jesse Helms. I was a freshman in college, had just joined the College Democrats and thought the free eight hour bus ride and miles of walking every day for a few days was a great way to combat the anti-gay insanity of Helms and also make a name for myself in the College Dems. You see, more than anything then, I wanted to one day be a delegate at the Democratic National Convention. Rising in power in a large CD org at a DC school would definitely be a step in the right direction.

I was paired up with a local, put on a fake accent, and went door to door for days. For me, who loathes talking to strangers, even when I'm an invited guest at a party, this was beyond intimidating. But I put on my fake southern accent, screwed up my courage, and somehow, somehow, managed it.

We had guns pointed at us twice. Once, by an old white woman with a shot gun who told us to get our "nigger-loving asses" off her property and once by a black teenager in the projects who saw us as interlopers of the stupidist kind. He may have been right.

There are many things about that trip I only remember faintly, like the motel we stayed in, and walking miles down the highway late one night looking for a gas station because I wanted a candy bar.

But there are other things I'll never forget, like a memorial service I saw there for a Confederate soldier whose remains had been found while digging up the foundation for a new building. Hundreds of men and women in civil-war era garb lined up for the procession in downtown Raleigh, and the men all hoisted period weapoins above their head in a very specific salute. We were in a bus then, going to have pulled pork for dinner at campaign headquarters, and I touched the dirty window and understood this meant something and even if I didn't like it, what it meant was important.

There was also a little boy, with a beautiful dog with a collar on a lead of mere twine. My canvassing partner asked the boy his dog's name.

"Harvey Gantt, sir," the boy said.

"Really?" we asked.

"Yes'm. My dog's Harvey Gantt."

"Well," my partner said, "could you bring this paper about Harvey Gantt to your momma?" my partner asked.

"Yes, sir!" the boy said and ran off.

My partner and I, oh I can't remember his name -- Elliot? Neal? something with e's and l's I remember the feel of it and his smile and perfect hair -- looked at each other wondering if this could possibly be happening.

Harvey Gantt didn't win. I found that out watching a projection TV at a party on campus that the College Democrats sponsored. As the returns came in he went from slightly behind to more and more behind, but as long as victory was numerically possible, we sat there and hoped. We sat there and prayed. And when it was finally over, we sat there and cried.

Politics should break your heart. And if it doesn't, you're not doing it right, and I don't care if that makes me naive.

My sophomore year of university, I got involved in the campus elections for student body president. The LGBT, which only added a Q a year or two later invited all the candidates to come to speak to us. There had been several bashings on campus and a lot of drama and we felt we had real issues that needed speaking to.

Of 11 candidates, only one came. He told us he was straight, and he told us it took courage to come talk to us because he knew it would hurt him with other constituencies on campus, but that he didn't care. This was about what was right, and if that was the message we could help him bring to the election, then we would all have done something that mattered.

And I did. I did. And I don't remember his name either, even as I slept outside one of the major academic buildings with posters, ready to grab prime space the moment we were allowed to put them up.

In the election he came in third. And then he came back to the LGBT and apologized. Not, as we had thought, for not winning. But for lying to us, because he was scared. You see, that boy whose name I don't remember? He was gay too.

Politics, if you're doing it right, will break your heart. And it will be glorious.

In my adult life, there have by and large been a derth of candidates I've been moved by as well as a derth of candidates I've overwhelmingly agreed with. But I have watched every single DNC and RNC, and I have trembled and sometimes cried at the nominating moments, even for candidates I have loathed or clunkers like Dukakis. Because as much as the political convention is an outmoded spectacle of party machinations the average person doesn't give a crap about -- it is also an exercise in audacity, in hope and in will. If it is also an exercise in ego and greed, and surely, it must always be, there is a part of me that has never learnt to care.

As I've gotten older, the thing I have come to understand more and more about our culture in this moment, in the moment of the last ten or twenty or maybe even more years, is that we are scared to be excited about things. It wouldn't be cool, or ironic. It is much better in most people's eyes, it seems, to shrug off a broken system, than to participate in it in memory of hope or in hope of gaining small purchase and change.

This enrages me. Our voter turnout numbers enrage me. But it's not just about politics I feel this way, it's about everything -- this being too cool to take unabashed pleasure in things, or unabashed hope. It makes me want to shout "shut up and dance!" Shut up and dance!

All of which brings us to why I give a shit about Barack Obama and why you should too. I want you to know right here and now this post is not about telling you to vote for him, but it is, in a way, about telling you to vote, for whomever you choose, because of him. Because he is unembarassed and unabashed. Because he has brought people into the political process that we have heard over and over again are the ones least likely to care. Because his supporters seem desperately willing to have their hearts broken and for that, I think they are fucking beautiful.

Because I was trained as a journalist and trained, I mean, in the truest pavlovian obedient sense of the word to aspire to press neutrality, I have never been registered with a political party. Yesterday, though, I sent in my voter registration form doing so, so I can finally vote in my first primary. It feels important. It feels hopeful. It feels glorious.

On the morning we found out John Kerry had lost the 2004 election, I sat on the subway staring at a woman across from me. She had been reading the New York Times, but had it crumpled in a hug to her chest now, the headline of defeat facing out in fanned wrinkles. And she had tears streaming down her cheeks. I promise you, no one had broken up with her that morning.

If you do one thing in 2008, be willing to have your heart broken. If you do two? Vote.

Politics, if you're doing it right, will break your heart. And if you understand that, you'll never give up on it until it's perfect, until you win, until hope is something far more than discarded, until you just shut up and dance.

Comments

[spybarbie.livejournal.com]

If you do one thing in 2008, be willing to have your heart broken. If you do two? Vote.

Amen.

That's what I try to tell people when I'm out doing work for the Democratic Party. Yes, I'd like for folks to vote Democrat. But, really, I'd just like for people to vote. Our turnout shouldn't be lower than Russia, Venezuela - places where people don't really have a choice. The act of voting is important, even if people think that it isn't or that their vote doesn't count or that the government is stupid - it's the people that show up that make the choices, and you can't do anything about it unless you go vote.

[ithinkitisayit.livejournal.com]

This post is beautiful. You're an incredibly talented writer! (but you might've already had a clue, what with being published and all ;)).

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you, but my publications have almost entirely been not this sort of thing. Which is why I'm applying to grad school this year, to change that, because I'm starting to get that I'm pretty neat at this thing.

[dragonlady7.livejournal.com]

Well said. Thank you.

I will finally remember to re-register to vote in my new address, so I won't be stuck with an absentee ballot that I know they won't count. (They don't count them unless it's too close to call otherwise. It makes it feel very futile to bother filling it out and sending it back.)

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I don't think I've ever heard the Harvey Gantt story.

I remember in 2004 sitting in the lunch room at work, trying to swallow around the lump in my throat and hoping my white bread republican jerk off coworkers weren't going to see me cry.

[lllvis.livejournal.com]

"but it is, in a way, about telling you to vote, for whomever you choose, because of him."

ab-so-lutely.

[neo-nym.livejournal.com]

I am more excited now than I have ever been about voting. "Change" has become the code word for "hope", finally.

Thank you for posting this.

[rm.livejournal.com]

And isn't it odd, that we need a codeword for hope? But yes. And thank you.

[tinywarrior.livejournal.com]

It's not often I read something that makes me shout "Yes, yes, yes!!" This did. Brilliantly written and so on the mark.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

I passed this on to my girlfriend, who is off to New Hampshire in the morning to canvass with the Obama team, for inspiration.

Thank you, as always, for your insight and your stories both.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

And I have to say in my heart of hearts, I think we're moving towards an Obama/Edwards ticket. And I think we're moving that way fast. New Hampshire will be the test of it.

[crystalsage.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I didn't vote in November, because I think of just this...I wasn't willing to put myself out there and have my hopes crushed. Or maybe I was just lazy, or disheartened.

But reading this really gave me something to think about. Thank you.

I hope you don't mind, I'm adding you to my friend's list...elionwyrsent me. :)

[rm.livejournal.com]

Sure thing, welcome.

[baronalejandro.livejournal.com]

I remember that election. Everybody I knew was so excited about Harvey Gantt, and then Helms won. I was personally embarassed.

The war was is very important to us. I have pictures of my ancestors in their uniforms.

You should come back down to Carolina! You'd have a great time - I"m not gay, but I know all the gay hotspots (half my rugby team is gay).

[rm.livejournal.com]

I have to say, I have by and large not been that interested in teh Civil War, or at least not beyond the sort of "well it ended slavery, enough said" line of the thing. But the older I get, the more I understand what a grey, nuanced, mess of a thing it was, and it's more interesting for that. But I didn't get that when I was 17. Those people out there in their costumes _scared_ me. these days It hink I'm probably a lot more like them than a lot of the people I deal with.

I've got close friends in the Raleigh Durham area, so it's not inconceivable.

[featherofeeling.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad I met you at Phoenix Rising and found your journal because of it. You regularly express truths that have been lurking, half-formed and unexamined, in my mind until your unabashedly passionate, clear writings about your life and views lead me to look at my own through the same lens. It seems like in every area I feel like retreating from, you've been calling for striving and putting yourself out there and goign for things that you want/need. Remarkable.

[rm.livejournal.com]

You know. It took a long time. I'm 35. And I stumbled through a lot of shit, kind of getting it and totally fucking it up for years and years and years.

You're doing at least as well as I did. You're coming to Terminus, right? You're one of those people I just have this warm fuzzy rooting for you on this planet feeling about.

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

It's hard for me to care about the primaries, living in California. By the time we got to vote in them last year, over half the Dem candidates had dropped out and I had changed mine twice in an effort to vote for someone still on the ballot. I forget if I voted for choice #1 despite his having quit or not, or just sucked it up and voted for the lesser of the evils. This year I am seeing local headlines like "CA Primary May Actually Matter", and that makes me feel a lot better. Otherwise, I don't need the heartbreak; I just wait until our primary gets a lot closer and choose from what remains. But I have hope, this year.

But I have, slowly, gotten into local politics, and keep up with PACs I care about, and not-really-PACs like the ACLU and Separation of Church and State and so on. Having grown up overseas, I was so used to looking at national and international issues that it took me forever to grasp anything smaller.

But I registered Dem a few elections ago after years of independent, and I have worked the polling stations in my healthier days, and I try to pay attention - although CA's smothering amount of ballot issues and things means that some years I have admittedly said "screw it" and voted right off the slate of the local progressive newspaper because I didn't have time to do my own research on all two dozen things and candidates. National voting is worse; half the time the race is called by our lunchtime, when our votes are uncounted and half of us are still standing in line at the booths. Of course CA is going Dem, it's such a given that we have a hard time caring. But thanks to the stupid Electoral College, nobody gives a damn. And they wonder why our voter turnout is low.

Around here, queer is barely an issue. We're spoiled rotten in that way. ANd we're spoiled on a lot of issues, because we live in far-left-liberal-land and so there isn't much point in, for instance, making sure the Republicans don't take this seat. It's more like "am I voting for the Socialist, the Green, the clown, the boy next door, or the way-too-moderate Democrat?" We're so isolated from national politics sometimes it's scary.

THis doesn't mean I don't have hope, and haven't had heartbreak on the state DOMA act, and wasn't down at City Hall as a volunteer helper during that crazy Valentine's Day when the Mayor said "Fuck it, why not let everybody get married?" and the floodgates opened.

[rmjwell.livejournal.com]

The Democratic primary is in less than a month, February 5. We matter a hell of a lot this year.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

in this moment, in the moment of the last ten or twenty or maybe even more years, is that we are scared to be excited about things. It wouldn't be cool, or ironic. It is much better in most people's eyes, it seems, to shrug off a broken system, than to participate in it in memory of hope or in hope of gaining small purchase and change.

I watched that happen. Somewhere between 1974 and 1980, the US lost something - perhaps Watergate scared too many people, because they couldn't deal with the idea that sometimes our leaders were actually crooked, perhaps it was due to the rise and spread of Christian fundamentalist hypocrisy and related attitudes which spread far beyond the fundamentalists, perhaps it was simply that in some way I have never understood the 1960s and early 70s both frightened and exhausted people and they needed or wanted to stop caring about politics, the future, and make the world, or at least our nation a better place.

Regardless of the reason, that's exactly what a great many people did. Since that time, we've had grim irony and joking cynicism instead of honest hopes and dreams. Progress is somewhere between a dirty word and a joke, altruism is always suspect, and most people do their very best to look like they don't care (even if they secretly do) about anything beyond the immediate circle of their lives (or sometimes about anything at all). If there was one thing I could change in this nation, it would be to make most people care again. For too long, the only people who have cared have been the greedy (because greed has always remained acceptable) and the religious zealots, whose zealotry is not considered acceptable by most people, but who simply don't care.

[ithinkitisayit.livejournal.com]

Off Topic:
I wish I had been alive long enough to remember that. As it was, I was born in '86. I wish I had been born in the 40's or 50's instead. I would've gotten to see the sixties and seventies (and live with having horrible hair in the eighties).

As it was, I got stuck with the 90's and 00's. Not that the 90's don't hold their nostalgia for me in their own right, it's just that they don't seem as awesome as the 60's and 70's were.

Of course, I'm basing this on That 70's Show, the fashion from the 60's/70's (awesome!!!), and stories from my dad about how when he was a kid, everyone walked to school and parents weren't so worried that little Johnny would get abducted, or would have to do "unnecessary" physical labor. And how people used to laugh at the people who drove 3 blocks to the grocery store. I would've loved to go to/see Woodstock. LPs! I would've loved those :D (except for the fact that you can't easily play them on repeat, and I prefer to play my music on repeat; always have, even back with cassettes. I used to set the counter and then when the song was over, rewind back to zero. Killed a lot of batteries doing that).

Either that, or I would've loved to been involved in WW2. I definitely would've helped out any way that I could. I believe that dying for your country is a great honour, although these days, I wouldn't do so myself (simply because I don't believe in the cause of fighting in Iraq). If the right situation came up, though? I'd totally join up (and bitch and cry because I weigh 209lbs or so). I'm willing to fight. Maybe not ready yet, but I'm willing. If someone specific attacks our country, or is plotting world domination (Hitler), I'm totally there. Tell me where to sign, and I'll give away my rights.

Unfortunately, I don't know much about politics, these days. I figure everyone's a liar, and they're all going to fuck up the country, so why bother? That being said, from what I've heard about Obama, I am planning on voting for him. I believe in his postivism. I've always hated the campaign ads where all the candidates are all "Don't vote for the other guy, he's a scumbag." That's great and all, but tell me what you're going to do that's going to be better than the "scumbag." If I can't figure out from commercials what you're going to do for our country (and let's face it, the majority of candidates don't run commercials that way), I see no point in voting for you. And if all the candidates do that? I see no point in going to vote, period. Although, I did in '04. Voted for Kerry and cried because he didn't win.

[madresal.livejournal.com]

Thanks for such a thoughtful post ... I quoted you in my journal, hope you don't mind! :)

[rm.livejournal.com]

Not at all. This is one of those "words are one of those things I can do something useful with" moments for me, so I'm glad others see it that way.

[ladysarahii.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Thank you for this, seriously. I was just trying to remember why I care so damn much (I got into politics in high school-- I blame The West Wing). I've supported candidates ever since my junior year in high school and none of them have won. I've volunteered, I've made phone calls, I've done everything I can, and yes, I've cried because my candidates haven't won.

But see, Barack Obama has made me cry too, and this time it wasn't tears of sadness, but rather tears of excitement and patriotism. I've been following him since he made his speech at the DNC, and his victory speech at the Iowa Caucus actually did it for me. He really is a candidate I can be proud to support.

[rm.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

See this is exactly it. I'm willing to support him with everything I've got. And hopefully, he won't lose, but if he does, that doesn't kill the process for me. This feels like a real chance.

[sideofzen.livejournal.com]

Fantastic post. I got my heart broken (twice) in 2004. Hopefully that won't happen this year.

Thank you.

[go-orgoahead.livejournal.com]

Beautiful and inspiring post.

[go-orgoahead.livejournal.com]

In college, I was often labeled a naive, liberal idealist. And I say...what's so wrong with idealism anyway? I strive for something, for something better, instead of resigning to the fact that thins will never be perfect. I am out of that culture now, in which I was surrounded by conservative Christian zombies (mostly my fault for choosing to attend that college anyway), and it's incredibly refreshing to no longer have fruitless political arguments with people who are so self-righteous and self-assured that they would argue anything they interpret as biblical even if proven completely and utterly wrong. People need to invest themselves in politics and in the political process, and they need to do so for the right reasons. People need to think and feel and act instead of postulating on the two-party system and interest groups from their couch cushions. Nothing will ever improve if people are generally content in their own lives to let things slide. Sure, people think that we shouldn't be in Iraq, but they allow the system to convince them that they can do nothing to stop it. People need shaking up, and unfortunately, I don't think that will happen unless a complete crisis occurs within the next few years. Invading other countries for unjust reasons no longer counts as a crisis in the American psyche. People need to feel the damage in their own lives. Gone are the days of turning in stamps for food and fuel, of planting your own gardens to help conserve, of hunting for scrap metal to turn in and buying bonds to help fund the effort. Gone are the days of personal sacrifice. Perhaps if the majority of America actually had to give something up for the actions that our nation is taking, people would have more cause for concern. Right now, apathy wins out.

[rm.livejournal.com]

And Americans would have to give something up for the actions our country is taking if we weren't engaged in such intense fiscal and monetary INSANITY right now, but that's a different rant.

[clauderainsrm.livejournal.com]

Hail fellow Tsongas supporter!!!

In 2000, I backed Bradley and this time around I support Richardson. So yeah, I'm all about the heart break.

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

I read Audacity of Hope back in September of last year.

I was, at the time, a vehement Joe Biden supporter, but when I finished that book, I cried, because Barack Obama made me fall in love with him, and I didn't think he had a snowball's chance in hell of getting into the office.

I am terrified. I am exalted. I am in love.

It is GLORIOUS.

Florida, thanks to the jackhattery of the Republicans in power at the moment, won't count for crap this year. But I am going to vote anyway, just to be able to say that I cast a vote for Barack in the primaries. And I am praying. HARD. For the first time since the 90s, I have hope-- and it feels good.

[suesniffsglue.livejournal.com]

I think you're absolutely correct; politics should break your heart. Beautifully put. I'm really glad you shared this. It was a pleasure to read.

My parents are Christian, and I've always considered them to be fairly open-minded in light of their stern beliefs. I had a conversation with my father, who plans to vote Democrat for probably the first time, the other day about Obama. I told him I would most likely be voting for Obama.

He shocked me with the hate that poured out.

"Obama's a Muslim," he said.
"Yes," I said, "I know. What's your point?"
He said, "Where does his allegiance lie? America or Allah? I don't want a president who follows Allah."
"Lots of people didn't want a president who followed God, Dad."
"I would rather have a president who followed God."
"Well look how bad that fucked up. Besides, isn't it more of a statement of character that someone has faith in something, rather than a statement on how they'd run a country?"
He stopped listening to me at that point. I kept mumbling about faith in one god being no different than faith in another, and he left.

I was crushed. It was heart breaking.

And this was a very long comment. Sorry! Whew long-winded-ness.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

Obama isn't a Muslim, btw. He was educated at a Muslim school as a young child, but is Christian, fyi.

[iballs2entrails.livejournal.com]

I love this entry. It was AMAZING.

[tenderberry.livejournal.com]

pecunium pointed me here - thank you for the passion, the clarity, the hope - I know too many people who don't vote because they think their 2 cents isn't worth a damn - I cut short a sojourn in Europe so I could come home and vote for the 1st time - for McGovern - if nothing else to cancel out my father's vote for Nixon - I took my daughter with me when she was growing up to vote in even the most insignificant of municipal elections - because they are none of them insignificant - all those 2 cents add up - and my daughter votes - it all matters for all the reasons of which you wrote - even if we seem to be tilting at windmills - better than doing nothing - and my personal mantra - if you don't vote - you may not bitch -

[steve98052.livejournal.com]

That's beautiful. It makes me somewhat less pleased with my own commentary (http://steve98052.livejournal.com/259431.html) in praise of Obama.

I saw your reply to 40sw, and snooped at your profile because I thought "with a two-letter user name, she must have started Livejournal really early." Reading it inspired me to browse a bit, and now I think I want to add you to my list.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Welcome and feel free. I add almost everyone back, so that's cool. And I was, actually an early adopter. It shocked me when I swtiched journals to this one that the two letter username was still available.

[anamacha.livejournal.com]

politics broke my heart a long time ago, left it bruised and bleeding in a ditch somewhere. Then I discovered the lying, the cheating, the scandals I couldn't bring myself to care about.

Now there is nothing. I mean nothing to these people, and I can't care about these people who mean nothing to me. People who affect me in only peripheral ways.

I vote, because it's my duty. But I am sufficiently different from most Americans ... I know I'm just pissing in the wind.

[regalpewter.livejournal.com]

You are what more and more Americans are becoming, the Disenfrancised. A people who will gladly follow any leader this season who promises "change" without asking "Change to what? And How?"
YIS,
WRI