on the subway

[rm]

I watched a man hit on a woman on the subway today, and it disturbed me.

I only noticed it at first because he had been originally sitting next to me, and I was a little taken aback when he jumped out of his seat to take an equally cramped one across from me -- I know I can be off-putting but really. But then I saw him hold out his hand and introduce himself to the pretty Filipina woman he had sat down next to.

What surprised me was how receptive she was to him, immediately taking out her headphones, smiling at him, taking his hand. He wasn't bad looking, but he also wasn't anything memorable, not like her with perfect skin and a perfect smile and not knowing it all in a t-shirt and sweater.

What I do remember about him was his clothes, which were expensive and foppish in a non-appealing way: grey suit, nearly slick with the expense of its fabric; pink pin-stripped shirt with a white colar; ice blue-grey tie; hair clearly brittle from product and a smile that to me read as forced as the rest of it. He kept wringing his hands.

Now, of course, who wouldn't? He'd done something ridiculously ballsy, but something about his manner and clothes told me he was practiced in some manner for this -- either he'd taken a class on doing just this sort of thing, or had the easy false charm one expects from a broker (you don't like the man, but he makes you money, and he hits all the right notes so laughing at his jokes isn't too hard).

She was glowing, but she was also calculating. As much as she was enjoying the attention -- and he was doing all the right things, asking her about what she does and letting her talk about it passionately while he listened in a manner that was almost aggressive and certainly suited to more dark than a subway car offers -- she was also calculating. The clothes were expensive and she knew it and the look on her face wasn't that of someone who had hit the jackpot for felt chemistry with this man, but of someone who couldn't help by wonder what life would be like if it were just a little bit easier, if an $81 monthly Metrocard didn't have to be a critical line in her budget that determined how much she could spend on groceries each week.

It reminded me of the man who once hit on me in Gramercy Tavern with "I find a woman isn't resolved about her father until she cuts off her hair" -- mine was short then, and I was wearing leather pants and a long-sleeved black sweater. The man called me at 7am the next day, invited me to his place across the small park between us and fed me berries and yogurt as he showed me artifacts that he had stolen from various Asian nations.

It remains one of the most disturbing and mysterious incidents of my life; it felt like he wanted to keep me in a glass on his mantle and while that held no appeal my mind frantically flipped through everything it knew to figure out how to earn his approval and the ease of his money. It was very strange, and I remember the fellow wore an inordinately expensive pendant of his astrological sign wrought in gold with gems. It was tasteful, as far as such things go, but it was his fucking astrological sign. Really now!

The man hitting on the girl on the subway had the same vibe. And he took out his business card, wrote his more personal contact information on it for her, and then got off when it was his stop, shaking her hand again and carrying his $200 napsack -- he hikes on the weekend and is very concerned about his health.

I wonder if they will have breakfast. I wonder how long a fantasy of ease will amuse her. I wonder if she'll be scared or find a perfectly wonderful and explicable human being beneath this man's smile and suit or if she too will be left with a story of ultimately benign but unfathomable predation not quite glimpsed.

Comments

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

"...and the look on her face wasn't that of someone who had hit the jackpot for felt chemistry with this man, but of someone who couldn't help by wonder what life would be like if it were just a little bit easier, if an $81 monthly Metrocard didn't have to be a critical line in her budget that determined how much she could spend on groceries each week."

That is such an evocative bit of phrasing, a pure urban perception. It sent chills up and down my spine.

[melebeth]

Or if, and I suspect it is as inconceivable to you as it is to me, she will find as much satisfaction in his finances as he does in her beauty and the two of them will come to a mutually exploitative and superficial accord.

I know women who happily date men just because they can buy them things and are content, or even thrilled, with relationships based solely on a mutual exchange of goods - her body for his gifts. They suffer no delusions that they are in love, but seek out these situations because connection is of less value to them than things and, even when they are fully capable of supporting themselves, would rather have the surety of stuff than dreams of romance.

I am constantly amazed at how easily some people find contentment. It seems like it must be nice for them.

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

This post reminds me of all the times I've been hit on by men and vaguely creeped out by it. Which is more often than not when I'm hit on by a guy. I almost always feel like prey in those situations, and it's a yucky feeling.

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

Hm, I wonder if I'll welcome it when I'm 60? Eh, who knows.

[tdanaher.livejournal.com]

Would the scene have felt any more or less disturbing if the people involved had been two women, or two men?

[saltbox.livejournal.com]

Some men seem to *like* the feeling of being more in power when they're hitting on women, too. I mean, it's happened to me relatively often that some guy had hit on me and then had gotten turned off when they realized that I either (1) made more money than them, or (2) had more "power" than them in terms of the DC power game, or (3) both. It seemed like they didn't like the fact that I wouldn't have to look up to them in terms of finances or authority.

This probably happens to me a little more than some, though, because I look especially young (and kind of roundfacedly innocent) such that the people who really want to date the young-and-helpless type are often the sort that hit on me. Sigh.

[browneyedgirl65.livejournal.com]

In my experience, they couldn't run away fast enough once they realized I was past them intellectually by leaps and bounds. Can't have a woman realizing he's as dumb as a box of rocks.

I've actually been enjoying the relative invisibility being older gives you (although I look young for my age) since the people who show interest are now interested by entirely different things.

And the first time I realized a 25 year old kid was intimidated by me? Priceless.

[saltbox.livejournal.com]

The sad thing (for me) is that I had a whole 'nother set of people who hit on me once they realized what I did, i.e., the power-player sort. That was annoying too, though in a very different way. Whereas all I wanted was someone who shared similar hobby-type interests.

Which I eventually found! But accidentally.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

In my experience, they couldn't run away fast enough once they realized I was past them intellectually by leaps and bounds.

This has been my experience, often. Many men do not want a woman who is their intellectual superior or equal.

I'm lucky I found one who actively likes it.

N.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

This is the polar opposite of what I am going through in some ways now. My husband is supporting me financially while I write. It makes me weirdly uncomfortable when he gives me cash so I can take myself out for coffee. I'm really looking forward to having my own income again some day. I'm extremely grateful he is willing to support me, but it makes me feel like a child in some ways. I cannot fathom dating someone for money. I've seen people do it. But it makes me shudder.

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

It makes me shudder too. At university I knew a group of girls who'd purposely hang onto the foreign guys whose parents had tons of money. As my university was small, everyone knew who they were. Anyway, if you asked any of them, they'd tell you that no, they didn't particularly like them as people , nor did they care if all there was involved was a booty call. They had $. That's all that mattered.

Intellectually I can understand that. Females mature faster than males; the university-age male, for the most part, can be quite immature. The guys with $ were certainly better dressed, better mannered, and were worldly compared to most of us.

On an emotional level? I can't understand it. It's basically using someone for a material gain. How can you do that and maintain your integrity?

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

The only way I can understand it is to remember that many people are not like me. Not a value judgment, not saying I am morally superior -- but we're just very different.

I once had a guy date me in college because he thought I came from money. when he figured out I really did not, he broke up with me. It was so weird.

[baronalejandro.livejournal.com]

Second oldest dance on the card of humankind.

[supremegoddess1.livejournal.com]

and you're out of lj idol....why?

permission to post to readers_list?

[browneyedgirl65.livejournal.com]

Yes, I know such women as well. In fact there's enough such women that I see a lot of men expect most if not all women to be the same way. :-P

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

I never thought of that particular angle before. I've always known that I'm just not like most other women. It's taken me a long time to realize that's OK. When I was younger, though, the difference devastated me.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I find it hard to imagine between two women, as the man's physicality and facial expressions were so key to what put me off from the interaction. But yes, it would have been as upsetting between two men (something that occured to me because the fellow reminded me a bit of a gay character in something I'm a fan of). The smile didn't quite reach the eyes. So much enthusiasm and so rote. It was not okay.

[rm.livejournal.com]

OH I didn't even make it to the top 50.

And sure, go for it.

[kokopopo.livejournal.com]

I love Gramercy Tavern. Now you have made me hungry.

[rackmount.livejournal.com]

this is why i am thankful i only spent one summer single in the city. i was overwhelmed by such brutally frank assumed mutual exploitation. as if! It's hard to fault the men i met entirely, since i certainly saw so many women give them every reason to be that way.

[supremegoddess1.livejournal.com]

http://community.livejournal.com/readers_list/121107.html

[amberite.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of a man I met in the strip club. Not so smooth; covered in strange dangles. Every other thing he said was an exulting psychic intuition and he offered to do up Mayan horoscopes for the girls and take us for rides in his new shiny blue midlifecrisismobile. Nobody took him up on it. The midlifecrisismobile followed my taxi down the street one night, but when the taxi driver turned we lost him and he apologized next time I saw him at the club. I told him to get a life and tip better. He said he thought I was very mercenary and huffed off.