LJ Idol, week 8: Sit Down and Shut Up - Ranting LJ style

[rm]

I have not had a great couple of days. I'm tired and overworked and New York is angry and makes me look like a fool. Last night, I "corrected" a bakery I always go to on their math. Just one problem: I was wrong, and I apologized and said I was ashamed, folded in on myself and vowed that I would never ever go there again. Except, of course, because I have celiac disease, if I keep my word, I'll never get to eat another cupcake for as long as I live.

What really ticks me off though, other than the part where I'm a melodramatic idiot with a crappy genetic disease (which does, btw, include "rages" as a symptom -- I wonder if it also includes articulateness and sexiness because seriously? Keith Olbermann and I? Awesome celiacs! Anyway....) is how much I suspect people are enjoying this post right about now.

It's so real!

I can hear it already, and it pisses me the fuck off. Because the other stuff I post? Those sweeping stories and odd coincidences and the whole cadence and tone thing? They're not any less real. They're not made up, and they're not as goddamned studied as you think. That's really what my life is like. Even when it's shit. It's fucking luminous, and I loathe, loathe, loathe when people are impressed with me because crappy mundane shit happens, and it makes them feel more comfortable.

Seriously. How fucking weak is that? Like, I piss you off, you like the schadenfreude when some shit happens to me? Fine. I get that. But you like me and you just like me more when my life is smaller? Screw you.

Try as we might, we don't really get to pick and choose about people, we just get to pick and choose the parts we're going to pay attention to. All that other stuff is still there, and ignoring it sure the fuck doesn't make it go away.

I tell stories, and stories saved my life. Fictional characters held my hand when my father wouldn't, because he said I smelled funny. They told me to get up, dust myself off and stop crying when all my mother could do was express exasperation on the fact that her daughter had the temerity to look ugly in public. They held my hand when the plane took off, let me fit my face against their shoulders, caressed the the side of my neck as they whispered to me about hope, and apologized without an ounce of give in their voices before asking me to do the hardest things. Always.

My parents had no fucking idea what they were doing, but they gave me that. They gave me stories. They gave me people who could take care of me when they didn't know how or didn't want to. So I am not "more real" when I've had a bad day, when I've lost my patience, when I don't know how to show you the arc of things, when all I can do is snap obscenities or tell you I am tired or bored or having a crappy hair day.

That wasn't the life I was given. No one ever grounded me. Those things were never valued. And I know that makes me lost and remote and maybe false. But that is me, effortlessly and truly, and I am so sick of people rooting for me to be ordinary. I do that enough. All on my own, when I can't do math in a store and when I can't stop myself from hating myself over stupid mistakes. Don't root for that, even if it's a basis of connection. It's not worth it.

Comments

[norda.livejournal.com]

May the Divine save us all if you ever became ordinary.

I will never, ever root for you losing luminosity.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

Amen.

And I hate that "it's so real" thing because I get that too. As if the only time I'm "real" is when I'm feeling like crap.

Sorry, ranting myself.

Great as always.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It's actually a huge relief to me to hear other people get that and it pisses them off. Because I hate to be ungrateful, and I know I can't choose how people connect with my stuff and as an artist connection is good, but woah, it drives me nuts!

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

It bothers me if for no other reason that the sense is that otherwise I'm "pretending."

That somehow my LJ must be full of the ranty and negative to be "real."

That it has to reflect the world view of the reader to be honest.

It's my LJ, if it reflects who I am, and there is no attempt at pretense...isn't that what's real?

I will say that a post is "raw" which it may be. An expression of feeling that seems to have that frayed edge, but that's a different metaphor and sends a completely different message.

And I'm ranting.

Sorry.

Just annoys me.

Side note: I have never felt that anything you have ever written here has been anything less than real. I see you being you. And that's a good thing.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Right exactly. And part of the reason this is "raw" (and that's a good word for it) is because of the nature of the assigned topic, so it's not like I'm feeling particularly distraught about it today. But certainly, people I'm close to have seen this rant from me in their mailboxes a lot.

[abbismom.livejournal.com]

I would never hope for small annoyances for you or anyone else I cared about. Maybe if someone indicated that to you they meant it felt good that someone else dealt with the same littleness sometimes that they do? Or maybe it's just the awesome way you write about them. I mean, you and tsarina can make small annoyances, as well as the big ones, absolutely shine in a post.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[manycolored.livejournal.com]

Everyone who's worked in retail for more than a week has seen worse than an upset customer in the wrong. That you realized it and apologized is what makes all the difference.

They just want you to keep coming back, and if you come back with a little token of thanks for their forebearance, you'll be their favorite person ever.

Also - it's the way you tell stories that makes you more real than most of the people I run into. Your little and stupid things don't hinder that, but I get why you feel crappy when people try to connect with you through moments that are only half-lived.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. I've had cupcakes since. This helped talk me down.

[dabhug.livejournal.com]

I understand.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[hiddenshallows.livejournal.com]

hey.

Look, I know you don't know me at all and I certainly don't know who this might be aimed at, but if there really are people that crass and small and stupid anywhere in your life / flist I want to wish you all the best in distancing yourself from them. There's no point playing small if you're a big person, as we all know you are :) (Although to be fair, no-one deserves that kind of enforced shrinkage.)

Also, just in case it's worth anything, I believe in your life and journal, and not just because I too know what it's like to be The Girl Who Tells Stories. And if I can recognise a life that doesn't need to be embellished or dramatised, and a person who just feels so bloody much then so can other people. Probably lots of other people. Hoepfully most. Fuck the rest.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that. I hope that's ok. Take care x

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Most appreciated. My life is one long Ricky Fitts moment, and I try not to be too annoying about it.

[marchek.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear you've had a couple of bad days.

Goodness knows you've been helping me sort out my crap, I hope you know the I'm open to reciprocating if you need it.

And the cupcake incident, I feel you, I've been there.

See you at Barn Dance.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Eh, I'm fine. It's hormones and stupidity -- I just wish I wasn't subject to either in such toxic and boring ways.

[torenheksje.livejournal.com]

You know why I think you and popfiend have that same problem? It's because of how often and how effortlessly you both achieve a state of grace with yourselves. Some people don't believe it's possible to actually have that, let alone sustain it with what appears to be relative ease. Therefore, it *must* be contrived.

For heaven's sake, what the world absolutely doesn't need right now is more ordinary.

[kathrynrose.livejournal.com]

It's because of how often and how effortlessly you both achieve a state of grace with yourselves.

This is beautiful. And true.

[dabhug.livejournal.com]

Indeed.

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

Amen.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I really thought about this for a long time, because I don't think I'm someone who seems very at peace with myself, because I'm so restless and combative with my own shit, but I do know what my deal is. It's true. And I don't mind it at all. Interesting stuff.

[brightflashes.livejournal.com]

Try as we might, we don't really get to pick and choose about people, we just get to pick and choose the parts we're going to pay attention to.

Love this line. Rich imagery, dancing words, and a powerful message. Well done!

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[magnetgirl.livejournal.com]

we just get to pick and choose the parts we're going to pay attention to.

This is SO 100% you!

I've had my share of blog entries (back when I used to write them!) that prompted readers to ask if I'd made them up. I always found the question funny, but also complementary. If you think I made it up, my reality is even awesome to outsiders! I'd say you fall in the same category with your writing: for good or ill, we write as if we're in love with our lives-the greatest story we'll ever tell. If people get nasty over that tone, well, their stories are probably of the 'discount-rack-at-CVS' variety.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Someone once introduced me to someone else as "I used to think Rach was a compulsive liar, but then I realized it was all true," which was actually sort of rude and disturbing, but still funny.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

I can hear it already, and it pisses me the fuck off. Because the other stuff I post? Those sweeping stories and odd coincidences and the whole cadence and tone thing? They're not any less real. They're not made up, and they're not as goddamned studied as you think. That's really what my life is like. Even when it's shit. It's fucking luminous, and I loathe, loathe, loathe when people are impressed with me because crappy mundane shit happens, and it makes them feel more comfortable.

Seriously. How fucking weak is that? Like, I piss you off, you like the schadenfreude when some shit happens to me? Fine. I get that. But you like me and you just like me more when my life is smaller? Screw you.

Oh, dear gods, yes. The "friends" who like me smaller are not true friends.

Because you so richly describe

[newwaytowrite.livejournal.com]

what others see as "ordinary" I say let them choke on their jealousy.

I can only work toward being able to one day spill into text my wit, my worry and my wonder at life.

[kathrynrose.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about the "real" comments on the drive home. I find I'm smarter when I'm sleeping and when I'm driving, fwiw.

Maybe when people say the hard stuff is real, they mean an implied "to me" behind it. 'This hard thing was real(to me), in that I can relate it to hard things in my world.' Maybe they're saying, 'that other story was cool, but I didn't connect to it as much because I connect to things that are like me, and I don't see myself in that story, but this one, where life sucks, I totally get that.'

I don't know. You know I always love your words. Not just for the stories, but for the words themselves and the way you weave them together.

Just a thought.

[tigrkittn.livejournal.com]

It's a good thought. I was working on a similar comment using the term "accessible", but you said it better first.

[newsbean.livejournal.com]

But you like me and you just like me more when my life is smaller? Screw you.


THIS.

[newsbean.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I wonder if more people comment on the negative stuff not because it's more "real" somehow, but because they know what to say. it's easy to say, "I'm rooting for you!" or "Feel better!" with no real emotional involvement, commitment or thought. However, making a comment on a positive post requires something of the commenter. There's no pat answer when someone isn't having a rough day. Not that it makes me less pissy...

[shadowwolf13]

I can't think of anything that doesn't sound trite but I wanted to let you know I read this, I understand.

*hugs*

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

Great rant. And for what it's worth, I think your other entries, the "luminous" ones, feel just as feel. You have a strong voice, no matter what you write.

[elderwoodpixie.livejournal.com]

"That's so real" is a phrase I don't believe I have ever used. I always assume, unless it's fiction, that it is real. I don't even know how the word "real" applies to writing styles or skill levels. "Raw" might be the more appropriate choice of words, maybe even "authentic" in some cases.

For what it's worth, I like the way you write, your voices and style. I don't always get what you say but I recognise that it comes from a place far away from my sphere of experience. So, while I cannot truly identify with your issues, I can still sympathise with your frustration.

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

Please never feel bad for being more than ordinary. Ordinary can get awfully boring.

Really well-written.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

I always enjoy your words, and your stories.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

I think you definitely need more cupcakes. *Hugs*

[rm.livejournal.com]

I do. Always. Thank you!