LJ Idol, Week 23: The Best Thing

[rm]

As has been the case with most things in my life, the baby eating didn't start out as an obsession. Hell, it didn't even start out as a big deal. Growing up on the Upper East Side, you just do things like that. I mean, you wouldn't believe how many over-priced beauty products contain animal placenta either.

Maybe, at the beginning, I was trying to fit in, because I just didn't. Ever. At all. I was a weird kid, and even weird about my baby eating, preferring to swallow them whole in a some sort of reptilian fashion, or, once I got good in the kitchen, fashioning the babies into smaller, baby-shaped flesh forms. Because, seriously, if you're going to engage in baby eating, you've got to do it with class, style and flair (I have standards about this, and will mock you if you're just going to drink their blood or whatever -- that's incredibly lazy, and, let's face it, pedestrian).

Of course, awkward and weird or not, baby consumption does put me in some pretty elite company. What with notorious killers, sundry demons and a range of mythological creatures. And hell, let's not forget Cronos and his baby-swallowing ways, although that didn't work out too well for him. More recently, however, baby eating has been endorsed by Jonathan Swift in his 1729 essay, A Modest Proposal.

In fact, when one examines the entire history of baby eating (and why confine this research to just the humanoid? A remarkable number of creatures in the animal kingdom also engage in baby-eating, and I hear young doormice are, in fact, quite tasty) it's pretty much, pretty clearly, entirely The Best Thing Ever.

Which of course, is why I'm so terribly awesome, and wracked with nostalgia for the days when baby consumption was a standard aspiration of both the well-heeled and social climbers alike. Of course, by being interested in traditions passing out of the world, I can only hope to have a hand in reviving ones such as this.

A purpose for which I find catchy advertising slogans (a skill learned from my father) come in handy in quite remarkable a fashion.

So let's remember: Babies! They're not just for breakfast anymore!

Comments

[tantra-cat.livejournal.com]

Hee hee! Brilliant.

Take that *ssholes!

[lakme.livejournal.com]

*lol*

[maryling.livejournal.com]

You rock, madam. *salutes*

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Kudos for coming out of the baby-eating closet - and so eloquently!

[perlandria.livejournal.com]

Hmm five treasures baby at dim sum. Of course, the servers double check that you know what you are doing - but I am sure you get that all the time and know how to deal with it with grace and aplomb.

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

Those daycare multi-baby strollers are nature's dim sum!

[redstapler.livejournal.com]

You do realize that you're pretty much my favorite person in the world right now, yes?

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

I think I just became your #1 fan.

Only not in a scary stalker way.

[vichan.livejournal.com]

I haven't been keeping up with this drama, but this post WINS THE FUCKING INTERNET.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

Well done indeed!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Will you collaborate with me on a baby cookbook? I think you could add a refined touch.

[askeladden.livejournal.com]

Hey, my Mom got there first!

[kalichan.livejournal.com]

There is nothing quite like that moment when your teeth descend into their tender, tender flesh, is there? Oh for the days when in Old New York, they would bring the half-yearlings to the table, still wriggling and fresh, and with their necks snapped for you tableside. Ahh, nostalgia is so sweetly melancholy, is it not?

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

It makes the dish of three screams so passe'...

[mellacita.livejournal.com]

Which of course, is why I'm so terribly awesome, and wracked with nostalgia for the days when baby consumption was a standard aspiration of both the well-heeled and social climbers alike. Of course, by being interested in traditions passing out of the world, I can only hope to have a hand in reviving them.

Oh, I totally expected something about "peerage" in there, too. Hee.

Well played.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I can only address one wank at a time!

Although in presenting satire, perhaps I did address more than one inadvertantly!

[rihani.livejournal.com]

I pretty much completely love you for this post. Well played!

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

Nice work for the win!

[melebeth]

And this, right there, is why you rock my socks. I hadn't been following the drama, but thought "I wonder if she's responding to...." And you were. Brilliantly.

[airspaniel.livejournal.com]

This post is the best thing. ^_^ As always, your eloquence and aplomb are an inspiration to me.

[6-bleen-7.livejournal.com]

Where do I sign up?

::applauds::

[weirdquark]

And hell, let's not forget Cronos and his baby-swallowing ways, although that didn't work out too well for him.

The key is, of course, to make sure you're swallowing babies and not some cheap, half-assed imitation. Some may say that your baby eating standards are pretentious, but if Cronos took as much care in his baby eating as you do in yours, he'd be ruling the cosmos today. There's a lesson in that.

Re: ::applauds::

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

So True. A lesson for us all.
Eat your Zeus.

[graene.livejournal.com]

"if you're going to engage in baby eating, you've got to do it with class, style and flair"

And I immediately thought, "tiny naked sheep!"

[rm.livejournal.com]

TINY NAKED SHEEP!

[tommx.livejournal.com]

This post called back the memory of a dream I once had when I was dating someone I had sort of a destructive relationship with back in college.

In the dream, we come to her apartment which, for some reason, has a large glass tank of water with a heat control on it. We are both carrying grocery bags.

We set down the bags, and each extract a live infant human. We both hold them under the water, and she says "Once they stop moving, we can heat the water up". I mused to myself that I should probably hold the baby firmly in case it tried to swim away, but should also avoid bruising it.

Then I woke up incredibly freaked out.

I also think this was around the time I first saw Silence of the Lambs.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Of the myriad responses I was expecting, this was none of them.

[angstzeit.livejournal.com]

I have no patience for you elitist baby eaters. Why don't you try eating puppies and kittens like the rest of us?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Ha! Well-played.

[vashtan.livejournal.com]

*THUD*

You're brilliant.

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

Baby: it's what's for dinner.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

OK.

I laughed.

I didn't cry.

I want to read it again and again.

[redstapler.livejournal.com]

Much better than Cats?

[drfardook.livejournal.com]

The Church of Euthanasia sends warm regards and moral support.

Potluck? Park Slope is ripe with the pickin's.