spare change

[rm]

When I was twelve and we had spent a good week of health class learning how to draw fallopian tubes, I remember being shocked to see another girl my age in the ladies room put a quarter in the machine to buy a maxi-pad. You see, they had told us how everything worked, but not that its working was, in fact, immanent. Twelve seemed very young to be a physical adult to me, and I assumed it was all a long way off. I got an unexceptional a year and a half of reprieve.

Similarly, I have to say, 36 seems pretty damn young to be going through another physical phase shift, but it's become apparent to me over the last several months that sometime in the last year I've entered perimenopause. Night sweats; freakish ill-logical changes in my cycle; and yes, even the occasional hot flash.

It turns out, of course, that 35, while outlying, is considered within the normal range for this nonsense to start. It is unexceptional, except for the part where no one told me that. Thank goodness for the Internet.

We don't talk about menstruation, about menopause. I see a "ladies only" cut on my friends-list at least once a day, and I wonder that we so have to shield men from the fact that we bleed. I don't get it, and I don't like it. Of course, I almost didn't have the nerve to post this. The taboo is huge.

Perhaps it's not about the blood, but about age and utility and sexual vitality, all of which makes the matter more egregious somehow. I was so negligible when I was eighteen; I am so substantive now.

When I was eighteen, I talked about everything, and I said it was important, critical even, that we talk about the ordinary things that most people do, but no one ever confesses too: I slept with a married man. I had an abortion. I grabbed my mother's arm hard enough to bruise.

If what I said back then is to be considered one of my essential beliefs as opposed to an excuse for the loud and perhaps inappropriate self-indulgence of my past, then I have to note this particular set of events as well.

Four days ago my period ended. Yesterday it decided to have another go for a day. Presumably this is the part where my progesterone levels are slightly off, and if it really bothered me, I could go to the doctor and go on birth control or find another medical solution to make this nonsense stop happening.

Except I can't. Because on the list of things I was never told along with the age menstruation begins and the age it takes on a mind of its own was that my grandmother and her sister both died of hormone sensitive breast cancer. My mother had a breast removed in 2007 for the same reason.

This is all unremarkable. Except for the part where my body is perhaps doing me a favor getting this whole thing under way sooner than later, except for the part where I'm telling you goodness this is strange.

I have other lives than this: somewhere I bore five children, always wear dresses and live on the beach; somewhere I've got an entirely different set of tackle. Those lives are no less real, and perhaps no less unexpected; I'm not sure, being unable to be in two places at once, all pretense aside. It doesn't matter anyway, they aren't this life. All times may be now, but all places -- not as much.

I can't imagine this will be something I talk about very much. Like celiac disease, it's one more piece of the background noise. But I've lived most of my life in New York City, and if there's one thing that teaches anyone: sometimes the background noise roars.

Comments

[tod-hollykim.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that sort of thing really squicks men out. You want to clear a room of men so we women can talk about them? First, start talking about your "lady problems".

But you are about the same age as my mom was when she started going through menopause and all that. I somehow managed to wait another 10 years for me.

I started back in 1997 by bleeding for a month solid. Then it stopped and returned to normal and slowly faded out over the course of a few years. Haven't had a period in so long I almost forget what they were like.

Fair warning, tho' that hot flashes and steam heat do NOT go together. Then there are the skin problems.....

[ladyaelfwynn.livejournal.com]

I just turned 40 and started dealing with perimenopausal stuff about 4 years ago. Nothing major, just an total inability to deal with body temperature at all. I'd be freezing one minute and tearing off all my clothes because I was about to boil the next, in rapid cycles. Doing this in full Norman with veils and circlets is about as fun as wrestling a porcupine in a sleeping bag. ;-p

After what had been pretty steady after having had a kid, my cycle started to change at about the same time and now, I expect things to stay the same for about a year-18 months and then things change again. The flow changes, the duration, something.

As all my closest, older than me female relatives are dead (I've my mom's sister, but we've never been close) I'm pretty much SOL for this sort of thing. I'm also loving the internet for this sort of thing because some of it, I'd feel dumb asking docs about (having had a bad experience with one laughing at my questions about 15 years ago; there's a way to instill your patients with confidence).

The guys around me have gotten used to my vague mentions of my cycle as my migraines are pretty much a by product of them. They come like clock work and when I get a headache, all I have to do is a quick calendar check to know if it's one I can ignore, or if it's time to break out the heavy duty meds for.

I hope things settle down, quickly. I like having things just go along.

Oh, and since I've got a daughter, she's learning all about her body and what it does and about when things things'll start happening. I so don't want her to be as clueless as I was. (Having a grandmother tell me about menstruation was painful; I stopped listening when she said that tampons would take my virginity.)

[tod-hollykim.livejournal.com]

Oh, my mom and I both got migraines. But I learned from Mom that they will fade away as you go through menopause. So you do have that to look forward to.

Granted, Mom and I were not tied to our cycles so much. Mom had food triggers. I had only one migraine that I know was a food trigger but the rest seem to be mostly exhaustion.

[fmanalyst.livejournal.com]

Oh, I get period-related migraines too, and they're a recent development which is pointing to perimenopause for me as well. A friend who has suffered PMDD for years is disappointed each time she gets her period again after going months without it. Another aspect we don't talk about is the effect of hormones on our mental states. The worst times of my mother's mental illness seemed to have arrived with menopause, and so as I head towards menopause I find myself worried about maintaining my sanity.

[mellacita.livejournal.com]

Twelve seemed very young to be a physical adult to me, and I assumed it was all a long way off.

I got mine before we learned how to draw fallopian tubes and such. My mother hadn't even talked to me yet. I was one confused and scared little 9 year old, let me tell you.

Elementary school bathrooms are not equipped for such eventualities. :/

There is a culture of not talking about it. Or worse, shame around it. I'll never forget Dylan in my fifth grade class grabbing my purse and showing the class I had a Stayfree in it. I was so embarrassed and horrified. I got mocked and bullied and even GRABBED because of it.

except for the part where I'm telling you goodness this is strange.

I'll bet it is. I'm just a couple of years younger than you, and the idea it could be so soon is a bit mindboggling to me. I, too, was never told such things.

[fabricdragon.livejournal.com]

i will state that you need to discuss the whole "early menopause+ family history" thing with your ob gyn.

this is why i started the group Moonlodge over on yahoogroups. because people DONT talk about it. and my husband? when i first went to buy pads? he asked if they dont hurt???
wtf?
well it says adhesive? no belts?
yea
doesnt it hurt?
wtf?
repeat until he found out that the adhesive went on the panty......

[nobodyreally.livejournal.com]

"repeat until he found out that the adhesive went on the panty......"

Thanks for the tea-spewing laugh!

[jinian.livejournal.com]

I had that conversation with my grandmother.

I don't get it, and I don't like it

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

I don't get it, and I don't like it either.
I've bought tampons for someone simply because I wanted her to represent me in the provincial parliament, and I had to go get some things for the campaign anywhere.
The strength of the taboo seems to be crucial to keeping women out of power, the most bizarrely misogynist man I've ever know was berserk on the topic-simply tampon machines-not being discussed, because it was somehow offensive to him. Unfortunately, the place he violently objected to it being discussed was during a meeting of the University GFC, and there *were* no tampon dispensers in the women's bathrooms.

[these-3-remain.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed this vignette.

[askeladden.livejournal.com]

My mom went through menopause at exactly the same time I went through puberty.

That was fun.

[axejudge.livejournal.com]

Isn't it, though? I had the same experience; good luck syncing cycles when neither of you are regular yet.

Mom prepared me for the basic experience; unfortunately, I got the deluxe with extra pain version, which she not only couldn't relate to, but in fact actively mocked (I'm not sure what she was thinking - maybe that I was faking it or something, but since her other, older daughter had much the same symptoms it should have occurred to her that my misery might have some basis of validity). She would stand outside the bathroom, while I was curled up on the floor, and sing "I Enjoy Being A Girl".

If I could have stood up at those times without vomiting, I swear to God I would have punched her in the face.

Having a hysterectomy at 28 was the best decision I have ever made in my life.

[lovefromgirl.livejournal.com]

Taboos that keep women uninformed about their health are only there to be broken. I salute you for breaking this one.

[dine.livejournal.com]

one place to talk about this (and related topics) is fenopause, a newish community for fans dealing with menopause and similar aging-related issues. folks range from early 30s to their 50s+, and it's low-traffic, but informative

[rm.livejournal.com]

Yup. I posted a freak out there yesterday, because I was like IS THIS NORMAL?

[angstzeit.livejournal.com]

I've never quite understood why people get so freaked (beyond the few with a real phobia). But then I'm one of those people who really likes to know things and finds ignorance, especially willed, a bit revolting.

I wish I'd been told about many normal body strangenesses so I wouldn't have had to endure confusion and embarrassment. So more power to communication.

[fabricdragon.livejournal.com]

mostly because they get told its "yicky" or they dont cope with blood anyway.

also? there are SO many hang ups that go with the female "equipment" (and i include breasts) that its hard to know where to start.

why men find it so incredibly appalling? i can only guess, since my husband was more confused than anything else. i know most men find "blood coming out of something"to equal "wounded" and the idea that women just bleed... regularly..... for "no reason" sort of freaks a few of them...
other than that i have no clue.

[kessie.livejournal.com]

and I wonder that we so have to shield men from the fact that we bleed

Huh, at work it doesn't seem that big a deal. I think we assume they've all had to endure a cranky rant about the bleeding from at least one girlfriend at some point or another. Anything it's randomly come up, none of the guys seem very uncomfortable or run from the room.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I don't actually think men are particularly uptight about it, but I do think women have been trained to assume they will be.

[woogledesigns.livejournal.com]

When I was a teenager I annoyed the hell out of soem female friends by asking about periods. I was fascinated by the taboo around them, and wanted to convince them out of it. I mean, no one denied that they shat, spat, sweated or sneezed. One more excretion shouldn't have a problem. That it should be hidden and a source of shame was clearly wrong. Something to be dispelled, surely? To my friends relief, a male friend explained that they didn't like talking about it because it was an embarrassing thing coming out of an embarrassing area. See the sense in this I shut up.

Later I studied some Anthropology and realised that people had an innate fear of their bodies being permeable, their contents transient and so would build up magic and taboos around these moments are areas. I figured this must be the key to it, couple with control over women's bodies.

But still, it holds no disgust for me. It's just blood. No point being disgusted by the human body, especially not a part of the body of someone you care about. I have theories as to why other people have a problem with it, but I don't get it.

[axejudge.livejournal.com]

Here's something I never understood: women who can deal with their monthly cycle without flinching who faint at the sight of a unit of blood in its tidy bag. My middle school class toured the Red Cross building, and someone passed by with a freshly collected pint. One gal immediately went boom! onto the floor, thus screwing up the tour for the rest of us. I was appalled.

[perlandria.livejournal.com]

You are right that it is a taboo.
I've been having horror movie style periods for the last ooooh 15 or so months because a complex interlacing of environment, lifestyle, injury etc. had me supersaturated in estrogen. The more I read and research, the more any and everything I could have done to add estrogen to my system or make it impossible to metabolize out, I accidentally did. Too poor for fresh food and beans are cheap protien and fiber? Estrogen! The injury makes mobility an issue so I leave the nightlight on? I miss a dark cycle estrogen scrub. Etc. etc.
I'm considering giving a personal journey style lecture on it at one of the conventions I attend. Because in the last six months, as I refuse certain food or seek out what is currently good for me, and people notice and comment, and I get a chance to tell the elevator speech of my story, there are a ton of us who are in our own horror movies of blood clots large enough to count as organs. I now ponder preaching the way of citrus, green veggies and circadian rhythm to anyone with belly fat I notice always wears black pants.
Why wasn't the basics of self awareness and regulation taught in health class? Why wasn't I told to drink water, be happy, get sunshine etc instead of taking ibuprofin?
It pisses me off.

I am considering opening the convention lecture, if I do it, to be a panel with a educated and very body aware transpeople and crones. Hormones effect so fucking many things. Knowing, for example, that estrogen keeps my blood sugars sluggish means I can judge for myself that I've had enough lemons for right now because I am actually hungry like a normal person again. That stuff. What kind of body wisdom could you get from a really connected crone? Would a snack of hummus and carrot sticks, or a tomato salad, or an apple stop a hot flash? I don't know! What causes them? Low estrogen?

Umm Hi, I have OPINIONS about this.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Dude, I didn't know 90% of the stuff you mentioned in here. How's that for even seemingly basic stuff is seriously useful?

[ophymirage.livejournal.com]

The thing is, the taboo isn't just men.

When I hit puberty at 12 or so, I had the equivalent of morning sickness for a whole summer - woke up desperately nauseated in the mornings, fine by 2:00. Mom didn't know what to think, but refused to take me to a doctor, or to discuss it. (it actually never WAS discussed - I got handed a 4-volume set of books on the subject and told to read up.)

I had massive mood swings (to the point of suicidal ideation) that were attributed to "teenage angst." Oddly enough, when i finally went on the pill at 19, and started feeding my body regularized hormones, guess what went away?

Now I'm nearly 40, and for the last 2 years have suffered from anxiety and occasional premature atrial contractions (heart arrhythmia), both of which are listed as possible side effects of perimenopause. I've noticed that these are both correlative to my cycle, that is, I tend to get the contractions, a couple of bad skips, either the day before or the first day of my period. Anxiety tends to follow on the heels of this (because I'm badly overweight and I know it, so there's always the "omg is this the heart attack" in the back of my head.)

When I told both of my female doctors this, and asked if it could be perimenopause, one told me I was imagining things, and the other said that it was unlikely given my age. I was like, I'm adopted, and I have NO medical history about the women in my family; given what happened to me at puberty, can we at least discuss this? No, not possible, you're only 38, have a Xanax prescription instead.

Once I have health coverage again, I'll be looking for another doctor... but all of the 'no-discussion' of this has come from women, for me...

[fabricdragon.livejournal.com]

perimenopause has been known to occur as early as 28
there are SIMPLE blood tests for this available form your OB gyn
insist on it

[herself_nyc]

I'm glad you did post about it. Sometimes it seems like we're so ridden by our hormones, and understand so little about them.

[nobodyreally.livejournal.com]

Been there, done that, have the sweaty t-shirt.

Couple of things to consider, if i might be practical for a moment.

Vitamin E helps lots of women with hot flashes, sometimes even symptomatically. I take ~200% of the RDA, you don't want too much because at some point it becomes toxic, but I am not sure of the numbers.

Start taking vitamin D now. Several times the RDA. At least. Every woman I know who has had her vitamin D tested has had scary low numbers. (After my broken wrist, mine was barely in double digits.) Test costs 250-300 so just take the pills.

Vitamin D

[fabricdragon.livejournal.com]

the currently suggested dose of Vit D is 20-25 iu per pound of body weight. i checked this with several doctors and while most thought it was useless, they all agreed it was not harmful at that dose.

i take over 5 thousand IUs daily.... helps my depression.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

I've got that going on; fortunately my family history is OK on hormones and my doctor has agreed to keep me on the pill with a period-break every 4 or 5 months... Those breaks are wretched, but otherwise things seem to be working.

I had some bad hot flashes for a while. Once, when I was visiting Boston at Christmas, I was so overwhelming hot that I went out into the snow in a t-shirt. I was soaked in sweat in ten minutes.

I think my mother told me something like every month, a woman's body gets rid of old blood and makes new blood. Of course then I worried about boys being poisoned by their excess old blood!

[mobobocita.livejournal.com]

I was a unfortunate soul who started at the age of 10. I also had D cup boobs in sixth grade and it was a horrifying life.

My mom had an emergency hysterectomy at the age of 35, I'm 32, I'm sure I'll start having issues soon enough.

[kargashina.livejournal.com]

"Perhaps it's not about the blood, but about age and utility and sexual vitality,"

Yes, this is why we dont want to own up to menopause, etc..

[bare-bear.livejournal.com]

Hello! I've been following your journal for the last few weeks (found it via Torchwood fics), and have really enjoyed some of the posts you've made, particularly this one. Would you mind if I friended you?

I've always been bothered by the fact that certain basic facts of life are supposed to be kept quiet, kept secret, and unfortunately a lot of them seem to revolve around the female body. I've call my brother out for his freak-outs whenever I mention it's rag-time. After he thought about it a bit, he actually came and asked me questions. When I asked him why he freaked, he said he didn't really know, just that it's what he's always done. It's what's expected. And that is so sad and so frustrating.

My bro, though? He's gotten better. Brings me heat pads and tea whenever I have cramps around him. I think it's more out of self-preservation, but hey, whatever works! ;)

As for the menopause, my Mom's going through it right now, in her late forties. But my Grandma on my Dad's side got it in her mid- to late-thirties, same as you. As much as I hate my monthly visiter and actually can't have kids (which makes the whole process annoyingly-useless), I'd rather put it off as long as possible. Both my Mom and her mom's menopause dragged out for YEARS, and they were just miserable the whole time (Mom still is). I hope it all goes easier on you than it did/does for them! :)

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you and welcome! Feel free to friend!

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

Late to the party but this may help you: my partner found me nightgowns that are made of wicking fabric. I don't wake up at night all sweaty and with soaked sheets anymore!