on being queer in Boston

[rm]

Everyone stops and asks us for directions and thinks we live here because we're lesbians. EVERYONE. We kiss in public, and then suddenly someone is interrupting us to ask where the T is or a given mall. OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

So many gay families, OMG!

Wearing the suit was interesting and highlighted to me how much there are two Bostons: queer Boston and New England wealthy Boston. New England wealthy Boston involved men looking the _suit_ up and down and then glaring at me. Queer Boston involved certain level of eye-contact and engagement that I was unused to -- both as a New Yorker and as someone still leaning to wear the suit in public and feel like it won't engender unpleasant commentary. The gaze of people here feels so much more informed: is that person trans? is that person gender queer? is that a butch lesbian? People want to know and do the right thing -- the way I look doesn't necessarily make it easy though.

It does feel different to be gay in public here, which surprises me. ALthough, while New York is very safe and Patty and I are very affectionate in public, I realize that it is still often not the norm in NYC. I don't see queer couples holding hands constantly back home. Here I do see it, all the time. It's like that thing about "I'm not a hero for turning you on" -- I'm not a hero for being normally affectionate with my partner here. No one looks at us and smiles, because we aren't the only ones and we're not setting an example.

Did have one particularly bizarre moment in which a man who was clearly with his two wives (in trying to describe that this was a Muslim traditional-seeming family and not a poly grouping more similar that of many of my friends I inadvertantly said something that was offensive to poly poeple. I do not have a problem with poly people or poly relationships, and I apologize. I should also note I was aware of the relationship status between these three people because I had been walking behind them for several blocks and overheard their conversation, and I was not making an assumption about their relationship status based on their clothing or biases about Muslims -- however, I may additionally still be engaging in inappropriate biases for assuming their poly relationship is any different from that of my various friends', I am trying to do good here and feel that I am so clearly fucking this up, and I should perhaps delete this entire story, the original point of which was that there are such a huge variety of relationships and reactions to relationships that I was entirely charmed by the entire thing. Anyway, I fucked up, I've sent individual apologies as well, I intend to do better next time.) Anyway, the man was arguing with the women, because they thought a gay male couple holding hands were so cute ("they were holding fingers!") and the guy was all "it's worse than San Francisco!"

Comments

[schmidtybooger.livejournal.com]

No one looks at us and smiles, because we aren't the only ones and we're not setting an example.


Oh god. I realized after reading this that I smile at gay couples holding hands (really I smile at any couple holding hands) because I love to see people holding hands. I hope I haven't offended anyone by doing it. I just love to see people in love.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I'm never offended by it -- sometimes it's just tiring when it happens a lot. Butyou! You're just neighborly, being from Texas and all. I thinkit can just read weirdly in New York where people Do Not Acknowledge Each Other.

[better-late24.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize Boston had a big gay population, enough so that being openly affectionate would lead people to believe you lived there. Has it always been like that, or is this fairly recent? I don't think I was ever aware of it when I lived on the East Coast.

The phrase "holding fingers" is tickling me, for some reason.

[better-late24.livejournal.com]

The not acknowledging other people in NY thing always weirds me out a little. Particularly more so now that I live in the Midwest. I feel like I have to actively ignore everyone.

[rm.livejournal.com]

First state in the nation with legal gay marriage. Especially for gay couples with children, it would be foolish not to live here.

[alba17.livejournal.com]

Wow, I had no idea. Grew up in Boston burbs, but never lived there as an adult. Maybe I need to move back. I rarely see any other gay people where I live in DC suburbs. (The wrong side, i.e. not Takoma Park.)

[rm.livejournal.com]

Really, people think it's rudeness, but it's just respect. It's impossible to live with privacy in New York because of the crowds, so you just have to look away. Lord knows if there's weird weather or a transit problem or an actual crisis we're all talking to each other instantly, but we gotta take out bubbles with us.

[better-late24.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it makes sense to me now that I'm thinking about it. That happened after I moved.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Man, DC is like the land of closeted gay people. It's sooooo tiring. And I say this as someone who worked at Lambda Rising. Sooooo tiring.

[better-late24.livejournal.com]

I think because it's so crowded is why it feels so strange. But it makes sense from the context of creating personal space.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Also, so much of our hounsing is cramped and with thin walls -- you don't say hi to your neighbors because you've heard them fucking and it's awkward. Jack Harkness would laugh at us all.

[better-late24.livejournal.com]

Valid point. You've moved past polite greetings when you've heard them fucking on a regular basis.

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

"hipster poly"--do you have a negative opinion of poly folk?

[contrarywise]

Boston is a funny-cool place, for sure. There's many Bostons, of course -- not just the queer and wealthy ones. But I understand where you're coming from with that, especially wrt the suit. Our queer community is very diverse and active--we have a large and visible trans community and we have the Bisexual Resource Center and the Fenway Community Health Center, as well as various gay and lesbian organizations, social clubs, bars and bar nights, and other resources and activities. One of the many things that has kept me here for all these years is that large and diverse community and the overall visibility of queers here. I think the success of the marriage equality fight here also makes a difference in how comfortable and open queer people are in public in Boston.

Hee.

[thenowhere.livejournal.com]

We've been to Boston a few times -- you want strange? Being *Not* Gay where I live is strange, right now. Western MA, the Northampton area -- we were once worried that Morgan would be 'the kid with two mommies' -- but Jeez. In his school of 100 kids, I'm pretty sure there are more 'two mommy households' than any other kind.

Holly and I have been holding hands since before she was married to someone else, back in Central NY, cow-country, where the rednecks might beat you up unless they're drunk and think two chicks are hot.

We've been stopped, here in MA, where it's legal, and 'normal', by people coming out of the Big Y, so they can yell "YES! WOOO!" and genuinely mean to show their utter delight and pride in how we're affectionate. (They explained they'd just seen Milk, and so they were feeling emotional.) We were remarked on by a lesbian couple from Chicago who're in their middle years, and Do Not Show Affection like that at all, because they're from a place/time where it's Just Not Done. And really, one of them was a little envious -- she would like to be that comfortable.

It never, EVER occurred to me that I couldn't/shouldn't/wouldn't touch her, be affectionate with her, kiss her, do anything and everything with her in public that I'd potentially do with any other person I love. I've smooched other people in public, so... why not her? Oh, wait, because she's a girl, and I'm a girl? That's ridiculous.

I'm incredibly glad to live in a place where what feels natural to me is something that's perfectly acceptable. And now that we're doing the 'getting married' thing, it's even more important.

Also, if we had more hours in the day, I'd say "OMG! We're gonna be in Boston this afternoon, and I would give my eyeteeth to meet you." ...but we're gonna be in the airport the whole time, doing a farewell to a friend who's off to Ireland for a month, and then we're driving all the way back to NoHo, so I imagine there simply wouldn't be time. But! Have fun. And get some T maps, for the people who ask. ;)

[marcmagus]

So I'm not the only one who read that and thought, "Hey, wait, I'm not a hipster."

Do hipsters do poly differently in a way that makes them a more appropriate contrast?

[idunn.livejournal.com]

That last story cracked me the fuck up.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I do not. The statement has been edited and I apologize: in an attempt to make it clear I was not making biased assumptions about Muslims, I managed to look like I was making biased assumptions about poly people. It should be noted that I do not think that most people who have poly relationships are doing it to be trendy and I just wasn't thinking and understand how my remarks were offensive. If it needs further editing, I will not be able to do so until returning to New York as we have to check out of the hotel now.

Re: Hee.

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that bit about the couple from Chicago reminds me of something that happened w/my first gf. (I live in DeKalb, IL, a rural college town.) My gf was active in the local queer groups, out to everyone including her folks, and yet, when I reached across the restaurant table to hold her hand on one of our early dates, she was shocked. She said it had never felt safe to her. This was in about '98. But we experimented with walking around town holding hands and no one ever said a word.

[rm.livejournal.com]

The statement has been edited and I apologize: in an attempt to make it clear I was not making biased assumptions about Muslims, I managed to look like I was making biased assumptions about poly people (and, yes, I know you are not a hipster and no I do not think that most people who have poly relationships are doing it to be trendy and I just wasn't thinking). If it needs further editing, I will not be able to do so until returning to New York as we have to check out of the hotel now.

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

I know, me too. Now I am imagining that guy's wives being slash fans and him being bemused and dismayed. :P

[alba17.livejournal.com]

I'm a stay at home parent in the burbs too. I only occasionally make it into DC. I spotted 3 pairs of lesbian couples last weekend while I was shopping and I was in shock. If we'd known we were going to live in this area so long, we would have chosen somewhere else to live. Now we're entrenched. Looking on the bright side, I try to view my entire existence as an education for the less cosmopolitan folks I encounter around here. (Never had any problems, though.)

[marcmagus]

Thank you.

For my part, don't worry overmuch about it. I know you full well enough to know that you didn't mean offense, and that it was an unfortunate choice in how you phrased it. It was quite startling to read, which is probably the only reason I commented. [Ok, and, I'll admit, for the lulz at mocking hipsters. I'm wondering how long it's going to be before someone comments that they're a hipster and they're offended by the way we're using the word as an insult.]

I think it also says something interesting about the people I'm currently interacting with: I was honestly confused by "hipster poly" because I'd forgotten how trendy poly is right now. I haven't been around those sorts of people in a while, apparently. I certainly know they exist, but I wasn't making the connection at all.

[demotu.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's awesome. Stories like this - and going to Europe, where I saw more obvious (and some of them were young - like, maybe twenty-year-old boys) gay couples in public than ever before - make me realize my city does have a conservative edge. But then, we're not a "big city" with the metropolitan draws of Montreal or Toronto.

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

As far as polyamorous groupings, I think each one is different from the other, because everyone wants something different from a polyamorous relationship. Some people refer to them as open relationships, some of them have a centralized couple or person, some of them treat all parties in the relationship more or less equally.

In the case of polyamorous relationships in relation to religious custom, I don't think you've made an offensive generalization. It is true that not all Muslims practice polyamory and polygamy, even in Muslim countries like Saudi Arabia, but it is also true that a fair number of them still do in both Muslim countries and other non-Muslim countries. In the US, of course, the polygamy wouldn't be legal, but that doesn't necessarily discourage polyamory.

On a complete different note, I'm surprised about the eye-contact thing in Boston. Maybe it's just that some people observing you identified with you, but having lived in Boston for nearly my whole life (up until a few months ago), I noticed that when I made eye contact with people, they usually looked away first (deliberately), or made some sort of forbidding facial gesture, or walked faster, like they were avoiding me. Every time I mentioned it to other people, they said they had experienced it, too, so I know it's not just me. Whereas in Nashville, strangers speak to each other all the time, and making eye contact is not perceived as a threat. I guess Boston, in contrast to New York, might be slightly more socially open...the times I've been in Manhattan, I found that people's avoidance of one another was even more frequent and obvious than in Boston (the Bronx was very different from Manhattan, though). That could be just my observation, though.