supporting LGBTQ people: you're doing it wrong

[rm]

I thought this would cover all the fail going on as regards LGBTQ people, content and cluelessness in fandom. Then this happened.

So let's talk about supporting LGBTQ rights and what that actually means.

1. Know and think about your terminology. As garlicfiend notes in comments to an earlier post, when you go on and on about portraying "LGBTQ relationships," you're not necessarily making sense. What does a trans relationship look like? What does a bisexual relationship look like? LGBTQ people and stories are phrases that are going to serve you better.

2. Consuming porn featuring LGBTQ people does not make you an activist for LGBTQ concerns. It doesn't make you not one either. It, in fact, has no bearing on whether you are an activist for LGBTQ issues, although if you feel this makes your desires queer, it can be an impetus make you an activist for LGBTQ concerns.

In fact, let's talk about all the things that do not make you an activist for LGBTQ issues, and you should stop waving in people's faces to legitimize your failure to treat LGBTQ people fairly and reasonably:

- Only being able to name Brokeback Mountain when it comes to queer issues being featured in mainstream entertainment? (here's a list off the top of my head to work with - some good, some bad, all worthy of your awareness and thinky thoughts there on - Brothers & Sisters, Torchwood, Will & Grace, America's Next Top Model, Top Chef, The Next Food Network Star, Project Runway, True Blood, Six Feet Under, Doctor Who, Harry Potter, My Beautiful Laundrette, Fingersmith, Velvet Goldmine, Far From Heaven, Bound, Ellen, Queer as Folk, The L Word, Firefly, As the World Turns, Milk, Dirty Sexy Money, Kings, Billy Elliot).

- Refusing to understand why many LGBTQ people have problems with Brokeback Mountain either in and of itself or as the theoretical main representative of our relationships in the media.

- Making any claim that the LGBTQ rights movement was started by slashers or any claim that the main straight allies of the LGBTQ community are slashers -- actually, our allies ad supports are our friends and families and people who believe in a sense of fairness, whether they think we're cute or not. And yeah, some of them are slashers too!

- Having gay friends. Awesome. Now stand up for them. Also, as redstapler reminds us, lose the construction, "my gay friend so-and-so."

- Asking one LGTBQ person to represent all LGBTQ people. It's not fair and it's dehumanizing whether you're doing it to a friend, a sibling, me, Russel T. Davies, or a fictional character. Any act that assumes we're all alike, even if it starts with a fiction, dehumanizes real people.

- Really, really identifying with a gay character in a television show, even though you're not gay yourself. It's fine, but it doesn't help me. It's not enough. It's not activism. Everyone doesn't have to be an activist, but if you want to be one, you have to do more than this.

- Attempting to enforce gender norms on other people, regardless of their sexual or gender identity. These forms of rigidity hurt everyone and paint LGBTQ people as villains. This includes policing women for "niceness" when discussing these or any issues as opposed to encouraging people of all types of engage in civil discourse.

- Telling gay people they don't understand how much you're helping them.

- Telling gay people you support them, as long as they are nice to you and do what you want.

- Throwing other people under the bus for your particular interpretation of LGBTQ rights: this includes sacrificing transfolk, PoC, women and generally being an asshole about other civil rights issues.

- Being under the delusion that same sex-relationships between women are more socially acceptable and therefore it's just the men you need to fight for (gay men and gay women do, I will admit, can get some pretty radically different varieties of crazy fail from mainstream homophobic/fetishizing culture, but don't tell me my life is easy or unimportant because it's easier for you to find two-women fucking in mainstream entertainment than it is for you to find two men. It's not.).

- "I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body/I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body" -- unless you are actually a trans or genderqueer person, please stop saying this shit. Being a tomboy is not the same as being genderqueer or trans. Saying this shit doesn't make you cool or hip and it's not a good pickup line to use on queer people of any stripe. It's also a weak and nasty way to justify being turned on by same-sex porn. OWN YOUR DESIRES. You don't need to be cute about it. You don't need an excuse. You don't need a label.

- Supporting LGBTQ issues while using supposedly humorous qualifiers, i.e., "I support gay marriage if both the men/women are hot." No, actually, you're not funny or harmless.

- Saying slur words like "faggot," "tranny" or "queer" (when used pejoratively and/or as a noun (which is generally considered pejorative by default)) because you've heard LGBTQ people reclaiming these labels for themselves and you feel that gives you the right to use these words with impunity about others. You'd be wrong.

- being unaware of of the organizations out there that address LGBTQ issues and their pros and cons -- these include Lambda Legal, HRC, PFlag and GLAAD.

- co-opting what are literally life and death issues for us to get more of what turns your on on the screen.


Now, let's talk about ways to be a good ally and supporter to LGBTQ issues:

- Listen. (julesndairyland gives us a good piece on being an ally here.)

- from _peasant: "Don't assume that the person you are talking to is heterosexual just because you don't know what their sexuality is. And nor should you require them to prove their Gay Credentials(TM) before you'll listen to them - this stuff is personal and some people like to keep it private."

- betnoir also makes a really good point in comments: "Pay attention to how a gay person introduces their spouse/partner/significant other. If Joe says, "This is my husband, Mark," try to remember that. That's how they think of themselves. The least you can do is respect it enough to use those terms."

- If you see something, say something. That is, when you see people indulging in behavior that is homphobic, that uses slurs, that is dehumaizing -- whether it's telling a gay joke, using an icon that supports gay marriage only for the hotties, claiming to support gay civil rights in one breath while being racist in the next, etc. -- CALL THEM ON THEIR SHIT. You don't need to get angry, you just need to mention what you've been offended by and why.

- Give money or donate time to LGBTQ supporting organizations. Please especially consider LGBTQ causes that are less "sexy" or "mainstream" (two appalling adjectives, unfortunately needed to make my point about the problems we face both from the outside and on the inside of the LGBTQ community in terms of our own prejudices) -- these include organizations that specifically support PoC in the queer community, transfolk, and older GBLTQ individuals (SAGE).

- When you find media with gay related content you enjoy, let us know about it, and let the network or movie studio and other creators know about it as well.

- Meanwhile, drfardook reminds us: "Be able to name some queer people who are not actors or media personalities. The media provides the highest level of visibility but its hardly the only area where gay folk have been successful. At least an artist or writer. If you try a little harder you can probably think of a politician and maybe even someone in your own profession. Also, realize why its a bit challenging to think of out people who are outside of media."

- bifemmefatale reminds us of the importance of setting a good example, especially if we're parents: "Raise your kids right, if you have them. Don't let them say "fag" on the playground. DO let them play with gender roles without freaking out about it. Don't buy every damn thing in pink princess for your daughter and everything in GI JOE or sports motifs for your son. Let your son take dance if he wants. Let your daughter take karate. Talk to them about gay friends just as you do about straight friends. Set a good example of treating all sorts of relationships equally in your social circle."

- Participate in a protest.

- Write letters and make phone calls on gay rights issues to your elected officials.

- Fight misogyny. If being a woman weren't so often seen as weak or bad, lesbians, gay men and trans people would all face a lot less bullshit.


Let's also note, that LGBTQ people are not necessarily a gigantic monolithic mass of agreement on our issues, but listening to a range of our opinions if we say you're doing it wrong is only intelligent.

If you give me more good stuff (and I know you will) in comments, I'll add it to the above. It's way too early in the morning for me to think I've actually managed to be comprehensive here.

Comments

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

See, you make me feel better when you say all this stuff that is just a ball of "SCREAM" in my head, and I wish so much you didn't have to. You remain awesome and when I get back from the accountant (because my tiny bit of income from writing queer romance is too much for my brain to handle) I will try and say something constructive. <3

[smirnoffmule.livejournal.com]

"I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body/I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body" -- unless you are actually a trans or genderqueer person, please stop saying this shit. Being a tomboy is not the same as being genderqueer or trans.

Thank you. So much. For articulating that. I hate it when people throw that around without understanding that this is actually serious shit for some people, and is actually not funny or fun.

(sarcasm, just in case)

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

Oh, I don't know - it's kind of funny to start offering them coming-out and trans services.

"Oh, so you aren't interested in genital surgery? That's okay, I know some great support groups, and what about hormones? Or lasers?" (Very sincerely) "It's okay, honey. You don't have to *stay* trapped in that body."

Watching them flail and backpedal is usually good for a few laughs. Sometimes it's even a teachable moment, if you can stop snickering long enough.

[aitchellsee.livejournal.com]

"It's also a lame way to justify..."?

Er, um....

[rm.livejournal.com]

You're right. Sorry! Finding a fixing. (that is definitely a bad verbal habit I've not yet eliminated).

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

I'll just remind folks here that, if you're at all unsure about whether something is a bad thing to say about a group of people, try substituting a different group of people.

Re-read the statements about queer/LGBTQetc folks, mentally substituting "black" or "Chinese", or "women" or "the elderly" or "disabled people". If it squicks you? Then it's probably not a supportive or even polite thing to say.

The slash and fanslash communities are getting just a little bit entitlist about their porn, I understand. Just as women are not put on this planet for men's sexual gratification, queer people are not here to be yours. And if you get pissed off when we refuse to act like your personal porn show, you're not being a supportive ally. You're being a selfish and creepy porn consumer.

I've been torn lately between feeling like the disabled community might benefit from being perceived as sexy (or at least that we are humans and we have sexuality), and fearing creepy fetishists.

There are women in parts of France who have started wearing full burqa, not because they believe it's correct, but because they don't want to be stared at by creeps. They don't want to be seen as purely sexual objects.

News flash: neither do queers. Stop staring. Remember your manners. Wipe the drool and worse off your keyboard and start treating us like humans instead of blow-up dolls.

And no, just because some of these people you've fetishized are fictional doesn't make it much better. Frankly, it's even more objectifying in some ways. You think they aren't real, so you can do whatever you want with them - and the authors and actors and creators are wishing for that burqa.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

You always make me feel squishy inside when you write this, especially when I'm still pissed!

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Having had time to cool off, I think another good point is that Slash as a genre is about interpretation.
Slash is about seeing beyond what is given to us on screen.

Thinking that LGBT representation is only about pretty people kissing on screen does no one any favours, or that out of the many life and death issues that affect us, media representation is the that needs to be pushed, right now! As I (and you and many others have) said, the point isn't to make the bits in (editorial)your pants feel good. It shouldn't be, at the very least.

[julesndairyland.livejournal.com]

Allies educate themselves about LGBTQ issues -- don't expect LGBTQ people to educate you.
I am an ally. Heterosexism & Homophobia are my sh*t. I have to own them and work on them.

What I believe to be a good article:
http://www.diverseandresilient.org/adult/articles.asp?aid=1

[smirnoffmule.livejournal.com]

Allies educate themselves about LGBTQ issues -- don't expect LGBTQ people to educate you.

And definitely don't imagine you're going to be educating LGBTQ people on what they should be thinking, feeling or fighting for (The one part of that whole thread that made me eyeroll the hardest was the part about, hey, maybe we could get gay activists to watch Star Trek! Because, yanno, there are no queer people in fandom already).

[sykii.livejournal.com]

I think you've basically covered it all.
The "I think it's hot; therefore, I'm an ally" thing boggles the mind. Imagine a straight guy saying "I only wank it to pictures of chicks, which totally makes me a feminist."

[iterum.livejournal.com]

Imagine a straight guy saying "I only wank it to pictures of chicks, which totally makes me a feminist."

Okay, I usually avoid fandom drama because I have enough to worry about already, but reading through all of this was worth it for that sentence.

[dulcinbradbury.livejournal.com]

Saying slur words like "faggot," "tranny" or "queer"

Oddly until reading your blog, I'd never realized that tranny was a pejorative because my trans sibling & his trans friend were the first people I heard it from.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

My daughter slapped me down hard for using that word. It's great to have kids who are better than you are.

[drfardook.livejournal.com]

Be able to name some queer people who are not actors or media personalities. The media provides the highest level of visibility but its hardly the only area where gay folk have been successful. At least an artist or writer. If you try a little harder you can probably think of a politician and maybe even someone in your own profession.

Also, realize why its a bit challenging to think of out people who are outside of media.

[redstapler.livejournal.com]

I'd add that they should also not be "[your] gay friend so-and-so."

Name people you don't know personally. "My [adjective] friend" is tired. It wants to take a nap, but these derailers never let it.

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

other things straight people can do:

Raise your kids right, if you have them. Don't let them say "fag" on the playground. DO let them play with gender roles without freaking out about it. Don't buy every damn thing in pink princess for your daughter and everything in GI JOE or sports motifs for your son. Let your son take dance if he wants. Let your daughter take karate. Talk to them about gay friends just as you do about straight friends. Set a good example of treating all sorts of relationships equally in your social circle.

[cleverthylacine]

I would personally amend that to say that you should not censor your kids' desires and you should talk to them about what they want and why they want it, because I have personally experienced and observed suffering on the part of kids whose parents come down on them for really being very jocky little boys or frilly princessy little girls. Sporty boys and frilly girls deserve the same parental love and support that sporty girls and frilly boys do.

A better message for me would have been "just because you're a frilly pink princess doesn't mean you have to be constrained in any way" and a better message for my brother would have been "being a jock doesn't mean you have to be a fucking asshole". Because I never got the message from my mother or my father that I could do anything I wanted, just that they thought there was something rather wrong with being a frilly pink (bisexual, feminist, &c) princess type and that they'd have liked me better if I'd been more of a "tomboy", especially my very sporty mother. And my brother did grow up to be kind of a fucking asshole.

And my father spent way too much time telling me that I should want to be the doctor, not the nurse instead of teaching me that nurses and secretaries are important people too. I wanted to be a nurse when I was four because I liked the uniform. If they had asked me why we could have had a better conversation but they immediately jumped on "why the nurse and not the doctor".

I kind of feel like the most important message is "you can be whatever you want to be and present your gender however you want and you don't have to not be frilly and pink to be respected and you should not make assumptions about other people's interests, competence, &c because of whether they look more masculine than feminine."

(Says the bisexual feminist who is tired of having people--especially those who should know better--assume she's straight, submissive, deferential and probably stupid because she likes pink lacy frilly clothes and almost never wears trousers.)

[laughingirl.livejournal.com]

I just can't wrap my head around this one: Making any claim that the LGBTQ rights movement was started by slashers or any claim that the main straight allies of the LGBTQ community are slashers

Wow. They actually say that?? I'd love to have a conversation with someone who claimed that. Or not. Yikes.

[laughingirl.livejournal.com]

Oh! And a couple of other organizations for people to consider:

GLSEN: http://www.glsen.org/cgi-bin/iowa/all/news/custom/teachrespect.html

The Anti-Violence Project: http://www.avp.org/

[http://users.livejournal.com/peasant_/]

Should one ever really reduce this stuff to simple lists? I mean, they're good lists and I don't find fault with the lists themselves. It's just the whole thing makes me a bit hand-wavy and start stuttering 'but... but...'

Anyway, if one takes the lists for granted for now, I'd add my own personal bugbear:
Don't assume that the person you are talking to is heterosexual just because you don't know what their sexuality is. And nor should you require them to prove their Gay Credentials^(TM) before you'll listen to them - this stuff is personal and some people like to keep it private.

Having been lectured once too often by some heterosexual 'ally' who reckons they know more about my life than I do!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I think it is less an issue of reduction than a place to start - "Let's start making a list of important points that we can keep adding to as we go..."

[virginia-fell.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit, but thank you for writing about it.

[logospilgrim.livejournal.com]

~Give money or donate time to LGBTQ supporting organizations~

May I humbly suggest one?

Soulforce (http://www.soulforce.org/index.php)

[rm.livejournal.com]

AWESOME, I'd never heard of them before, and that's a great, specific need being addressed. Thank you.

[thatwordgrrl.livejournal.com]

I've got one specific to fandom:

You can fetishize all you wish about Actors getting sexually turned on while filming a HotGaySexScene.

Nevertheless, Actors are just doing a job. Furthermore, had you ever been on a shooting set during filming of any HotSexScene, gay or otherwise, you would soon understand that it's really not conducive to any sort of intimacy.

Think that having a camera guy, a lighting guy and a sound guy in your bedroom would kill the mood? Imagine what would do to any inkling of attraction between Actors on a set.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Man, so fucking true. This one peeves me more as an actor, because while I have gotten emotionally tangled up with people because of the roles we were playing to each other on stage, I've never, ever, ever, EVER felt one moment of desire doing an on-stage of on-screen sex scene.

Pre-Caffeine, so forgive me if I make no sense.

[ruisseau.livejournal.com]

I have to admit to feeling a bit guilty. I'm not quite the person you describe above. Instead I am bisexual, but I'm still a crap activist.

I can't name anyone who's LGBTQ that is not in the entertainment industry but is still at least marginally famous. Wait, except for my State Senator, Jolie Justus.

Of course, I can name a whole slew of regular people who are my friends and chosen family.

Okay, maybe I don't suck, but, like so many other things I care about, I often can't find the time and money for organizations.

Maybe I feel too safe. My primary relationship is with a man. When I'm with my girlfriend, we're usually in a private home. I should probably re-evaluate, though. One of the people in our Rocky cast is gender queer and he got beat up one night on his way home, presumably because he was cross-dressing at the time.

You've given me a lot to think about! :)

famous queer non-Hollywood people

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

Barney Frank? Martina Navratilova? Harvey Milk? Rita Mae Brown? Audre Lorde? William Shakespeare?

...just off the top of my head.

If you have the time and money to be on the net, you can still email your politicians when queer legislative issues come up.

...

[the-ogre.livejournal.com]

I've not commented on any of your posts about this stuff previously. Part of it is that my connection with fan-fic of any sort is tenuous at best; the other part is that you seem to be damn good at getting the point across in your posts - I generally can't think of anything useful to add.

A couple of the things you posted here really jumped out at me though, and I'd like to comment on them:
"If you see something, say something..." I think this is probably the most important thing that you listed - and of course, it holds for any sort of exclusionary behavior. In many ways, since I pass as both white and straight, this is the avenue most open to me, and I take it whenever the opportunity offers (sadly, far more often than I would like), and I think it also ties in with "fighting misogyny".

"Don't assume that the person you are talking to is heterosexual just because you don't know what their sexuality is." This happens to me a lot, primarily because I don't fit any of the main cultural stereotypes for queer men (most of which are inaccurate in any case). As a result, I seem to be constantly outing myself as bi.

And in writing this, I realize that I can do these things in part because I do pass as white, and because I'm a large male, making it far less dangerous for me to do.

I'm glad you posted this, though I'm unhappy with the fact that you needed to.

Re: ...

[marcmagus]

If you see something, say something...

I agree; I think this is extremely fertile ground for those of us who are, or pass as, members of the dominant group. It's one I've been working actively myself. As a small, nerdy male, I have a bit less safety than you, but that's really just an excuse: I've gotten into the habit of letting things that make me uncomfortable slide so as not to create a scene, and it's a habit I need to get back out of. On the plus side, acting out of people's expectations for me does tend to get me heard.

One of the reasons this is such a powerful tool, though, is that passing gets us an oportunity to hear shit from people they'd never say in mixed company, and teach them that the [perceived] current absence of [group] doesn't make it ok for them to act inappropriately.

[used_songs]

One thing I've done that I think has been useful is to make my classroom a supportive place. It's a place where anti-queer slurs are not acceptable. I explicitly teach at the beginning of each year a lesson on why name-calling (fag, slut, retard, etc) will not be tolerated. I have books with queer characters in my classroom library. I mention the sexual orientation of queer authors we read. I have discussions on gay marriage and other current events that touch the queer community. Of course, this doesn't turn all of my students into open-minded people, but I think it helps. And I've had many queer and questioning students (and students whose parents are gay) over the years who I think were made to feel more comfortable in my classroom and at school.

I remember feeling profoundly alienated and unsafe when I was at school.

[pineapplechild (from livejournal.com)]

As someone who did spend time feeling alienated and unsafe because of my sexuality during my schooling before college, I say thank you.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

Not a big contribution, but Ang Lee's The Wedding Banquet -- no gay people died (or got AIDS) in the making of this script!

Didn't you know that because I perv about your imaginary sex life I am TOTALLY LBTQ-friendly? Think how many allies you get from male-oriented porn alone!

Finally, because I am an ally I get to TELL YOU WHAT TO DO! It is so awesome being an ally! I have my own little army of porn minions!

[thessalian.livejournal.com]

When you find media with gay related content you enjoy, let us know about it, and let the network or movie studio and other creators know about it as well.

This. So much this. I personally think that if people are really concerned about homosexual couples getting a raw deal in the media ('bury your gays' or whatever) or LGBTQ couples and concerns not being adequately addressed, maybe they should try to write a story of their own rather than expecting authors who are just trying to tell their story to throw out their ideas and inspiration to appease either 'the issues' or the fandom. It's not that I don't agree that these issues are important to address; I just don't think it's fair to expect everyone who includes any LGBTQ in their story to turn the thing into a Speaker's Corner soapbox.

That said, in terms of media involving gay-related content, I'd recommend Kim Harrison's series of urban fantasy/'paranormal romance'/whatever they're calling it now novels. Starts here and is the best portrayal of 'OMG I think I might be gay' I've seen in quite some time. (Okay, one of them happens to be a vampire. But it's not a Twilight thing, so ... yay.)

[thatwordgrrl.livejournal.com]

As I do not primarily identify as bi or gay, I will leave it to you to tell me how you feel about this:

Pay attention to how a gay person introduces their spouse/partner/significant other. If Joe says, "This is my husband, Mark," try to remember that. That's how they think of themselves. The least you can do is respect it enough to use those terms.

[rm.livejournal.com]

WORD. That's a really good one, especially because I see a lot of people choosing to use husband or wife with gay people who are vary adamant about not using those words for their relationship.

[britgeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

Making any claim that the LGBTQ rights movement was started by slashers

Wait... some folks actually say that? And MEAN it?

*headdesk*

Okay, I might have my stupid moments, but at least I'm not THAT stupid. *sigh*

[karjack.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[baronalejandro.livejournal.com]

CALL THEM ON THEIR SHIT.

No, I'm sorry, I can't agree with this. I agree with you that prejudice and racism must be fought at every turn, in every form, but this advocates singling out random strangers to police their behavior. This smacks of a different kind of intolerance that can lead down a very slippery slope. Not only is this potentially dangerous behavior, it breeds more hate. I believe it's better simply to mentally mark them with a big ole 'I' over their heads for 'idiot' and move on.

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

Maybe this is on a more personal level, but if people would stop assuming others have "picked a sexuality" because they've settled down in mutually monogamous relationships while simultaneously identifying as a bisexual/pansexual, that would be AWESOME.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, that's a really good one.... I'm bi and monogamous, and yeah.... totally!