sundries

[rm]

Sometimes, I wake up in the morning and anticipate an ordinary day where nothing much happens and it's all about getting through to the good stuff at the end.

But then today happened.

I have an audition. Another one. For a low-budget film made by important people. It's a small role. One scene. With the lead actor. Someone who would make a whole lot of you plotz. Not a fandom I'm in though. That's as much as I can say. I'm suddenly scoring a lot of very good auditions. Now if I could just score some work. But somehow, it seems, I am moving up in the world: me = tiny pseudo-celebrity fish in a giant sea of celebrity sharks. Insert megalodon joke here. Okay, maybe "insert" was the wrong word. Come on, you know you love me. Anyway....

Aaaaaaaaaaaargh abstract. I finally got it together enough for it to be cogent, but it's going to take a lot of beating with sticks, clearly. I hate that. Hate it. And, since I'm not actually an academic, it pings all my insecurities. But fucking hell, I am presenting this thing in Bristol. I am. I'm just going to discuss it internally like it's a fact. At least I got started early for a change. I hope to get the thing mailed out by the end of the weekend.

The big office secret is no longer a secret, since it just culminated in a wedding. Yay.

On the subway, the following -- no doubt obvious and at some point a focus of scholarship for someone -- occurred to me: Gossip is an act of claiming. What's exciting about this? The Nick Cave thing -- I'm re-writing it, to include (super discretely, because the names don't matter) the context in which I tend to tell it. And it's going to be amazing. And then I just have to find someone to buy it.

Cunard cruise cancellation achieved. Now I just have to make calls and book the other one, which will be early January. I feel better.

Check fucktacularness resolved.

I really need to mail that check to Seyta re: the tux.

There is a line, I always think of, about New York, that was included in a theater review of a thing that was like a scavenger hunt all over the city involving people cast as angels: It looked, I thought, like a holy city. This is what I live with, living in New York. Every day. This notion that we will one day, instead of forgotten, but legend.

Tonight Patty and I are having dinner with an old friend of mine and her not so new man I haven't met yet (since they don't live in town). We'll be going to Olives, which I haven't been to since it opened.

I'm not, in truth, doing so great. I think it's more than con let-down, but the whole abrupt cessation of my con season, which doesn't start up again until the new year. Cons aren't just fun for me -- they're business, and also a chance to exercise my brain and articulateness and impulses towards teaching. They're places where my humor is appreciated and it's never inappropriate that I'm both performing and thinking all at once. Without them, I can feel a bit nothing, a bit ordinary. None of us, cons aside and regardless of what we do, ever get over this feeling, do we? Pothos, and also none of us got enough love in our childhoods. Believe you me, no performs, no one creates because they are entirely well, but because they are trying to be.

While I have often been aware of the desire to silence voices like mine (queer, female, marginalized, confident, working outside the lines), it's not something that's ever really been effective against me. I speak. Like sharks (back with the sharks!) need to keep moving to breathe, I need to speak. This is not an act of anything political on my part, but really just the legacy of speech therapy and the way I was assumed to be slow because I was not the right type of pretty (more on that in a moment). But someone happened recently that has rattled my nerves, because I'm not used to being challenged inappropriately in my right to speak. It's not a big deal. It's not real, it's not about actual power or authority, but I'm shocked at my impulse not just to bow to it, but to silence myself even further, protectively. It's terrible. How do people survive this? Oh, that's right, for so many, they really do just stop speaking. God, people, be kinder.

Yesterday, it was revealed that athlete Caster Semenya has both male and female sex characteristics, including internal testes that are producing large amounts of testosterone. The sports world doesn't know what to do, and as someone who is an athlete in a sport where men and women compete against each other and therefore these sort of issues don't matter as victory and awards are not gender-based, I don't have a lot to say about what should and shouldn't happen here.

What I do have a lot to say about (and thankfully others do too) is is the coverage and discourse about Semanya, starting with the Sydney Morning Herald article linked above which includes the phrase "The presence of both male and female characteristics will come as a devastating blow to Semenya." Really? Can the journalist read minds? Even if this may seem an obvious conclusion to some (it is documented Semenya has dealt with aspersions related to her perceived masculinity throughout her life), I think it's reporting both sloppy and offensive.

Semenya also recently posed for a magazine after receiving a makeover, which if she enjoyed doing it, or felt it was some sort of necessary public relations move she was comfortable with -- more power to her. But the discourse (and man, you should see the shit on Twitter) that a woman proves her gender by her appeal (her use) to others is extremely uncomfortable to me. As is the idea that masculine is an insult to women and feminine is an insult to me (and often, to a lot of women, as well -- even girls don't want to "throw like girls").

I don't know how Semenya self-identifies, and I've not got a vested interest in it. But until and unless she chooses to tell us otherwise, she's a she, and she's fucking fast on the track and I fucking wish the media and everyone else would stop telling us what she thinks, what she feels, and who she is. Only Semenya can do that. But then again, we've never been very good at letting women speak for themselves, have we?

Comments

[vashtan.livejournal.com]

I'm keeping all fingers crossed (that I don't need for typing, so that's 6...).

I have a strong interest in the Caster case, and I'm livid about how she is being treated. Can't the world stay out of the pants of the third sex? Please?

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

Yea audition!

Yesterday I was driving through San Francisco, which is my city, and thinking of Tony Kushner's stage direction "Heaven. A city not unlike San Francisco." I suppose each angel has its own geography...

"Medical reports indicate she has no ovaries, but rather has internal male testes, which are producing large amounts of testosterone."

That's completely compatible with androgen insensitivity syndrome, which turns out to be common -- 1 in 20,000 according to Wikipedia. She's still female according to modern practice, assuming she wants to be.

Fricking prying sports associations (and media!).

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

Yes, and if it is AIS, then all that testosterone is NOT giving her an athletic advantage because her body processes little to none of it.

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

The IOC would consider someone with AIS female. It seems the most likely possibilty.
That said, there's both partial (PAIS) and complete (CAIS), so it is possible she is getting some benefit from the testosterone.

The treatment of her is, of course, abhorrent. Harder still are the marriage implications, as many people with AIS discover that after they're married women. Legally, it's not so simple.

[ckd]

I'm not, in truth, doing so great. I think it's more than con let-down, but the whole abrupt cessation of my con season, which doesn't start up again until the new year.

This sounds far too familiar to me; since I didn't make it to Dragon*Con, Worldcon was the end of my congoing year (and it was, to put it mildly, difficult). I eventually just decided to go to a con next month (ConClave 34) in order to bridge the gap a little bit.

None of us, cons aside and regardless of what we do, ever get over this feeling, do we?

I certainly haven't yet.

[brewsternorth.livejournal.com]

Eee another audition!

Augh, good luck with writerly things.

And gaaah about l'affaire Semenya. All that I can add is that an article quoted by ontd_p claimed that a similar case occurred in 2006 when a competitor from India was discovered to have AIS (she subsequently attempted suicide).

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

I don't know how Caster feels about her gender or herself either, but I can't imagine this was an easy way to find out--so publicly and with so many people giving unasked for opinions. It's pretty obvious that this is not a subject the general public is nice about.

[gina-r-snape.livejournal.com]

These were my thoughts too.

The makeover was unfortunately highly predictable and I hope she wasn't damaged by it emotionally.

Is it a "devastating blow" that she's actually biologically intersex? It strikes me that she and her family were perfectly fine before all the interventions. She certainly pursued her athletic interests pretty successfully and had the support of her family. So who is really devastated by this--the Officials who "Need to Know" and who need to impose rigid, external definitions on her. And who did this by subjecting her to medical testing that she probably wasn't granted the right to refuse.

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

Yes, this is private medical info. I guess it can be argued that we discover private medical information about athletes all the time, because of doping testing, but...

Since this is all out in the open already, hopefully it might help people with the same characteristics to know about Semenya's story? (Provided she's keeping that medal and being treated respectfully and addressed as the gender with which she identifies.) Not that she's expected to be a spokesperson or anything, but facts are what they are, and she's awesome at something.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

Well, privacy laws aren't universal. I have no idea what this would fall under either.

[fragiletender.livejournal.com]

Yes, this. That poor lass, I really feel for her - to be in the centre of a media storm is no fun for anyone and she's just a teenager.

[frodo-esque.livejournal.com]

What you said.

Also, they put her through some very embarrassing crude tests early on that required her to disrobe and be examined for parts. How inappropriate and insulting to her.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

Beyond humiliating I find that abusive.

[frodo-esque.livejournal.com]

Indeed.

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

They may only have done the observation along with the urine test -- those are always witnessed in person. Without further information, that would be my assumption.

[neifile7.livejournal.com]

You are doing that paper! And if something fucks up along the way, it's still happening. It needs doing and you're the one to do it; no silencing on that score.

Enjoy your day and night among the making of legends...

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

that's great about all the auditions! hope you get some good roles(or make some good contacts)

i was trying to follow the semenya story, but man ppl were pissing me off so much!

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

I worry about the poor girl, frankly - not only could this wreck her career, but look at where she's from. People get murdered for that kind of thing where she comes from - her family may face repercussions from ignorant, superstitious villagers.

And it pisses me off that too much "male" hormone is an advantage but too much "female" hormone is a disability.

All the great cities are immortal and full of legends. Any one of us could, someday, be part of a street plaque saying "they lived here, they made art here, they died here", and we'd be forever part of that cathedral city, along with kings and great artists and famous crazies and the tapestry of history. Only a great city can house greatness and angels and heroes; it's why those of us who want more are drawn to them.

Best wishes for audition success and recognition and paychecks.

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

She has a healthy attitude about it, though: "I see it all as a joke, it doesn't upset me. God made me the way I am and I accept myself."

Let's hope others have the same (or learn the same).

[sushis.livejournal.com]

"People get murdered for that kind of thing where she comes from - her family may face repercussions from ignorant, superstitious villagers."

In South Africa today? I don't know much about her personal circumstances. Does she live amidst "ignorant, superstitious villagers"?

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

Well, I do know a few things about her personal circumstances, having done the reading here. And since she comes from an unpaved single road access village in a poor province which is practically in Zimbabwe rather than metro Lesotho, and photographs of her family show them in a traditional village which doesn't look very modernized or Westernized at all, I figured attitudes there couldn't be much better than they are in rural USA, where people get killed for this sort of thing by ignorant, superstitious Midwesterners to this day. While all of SA seems firmly behind their sports heroine for now, if she is discovered to be intersexed, she or her family may face repercussions not unlike those of intersexed folks almost anywhere. Especially as they come from a strongly Christianized area.

While I can hope that Semanaya and the recent similar case vs. an Indian female athlete will change how sport categorized gender, I am not optimistic.

"Too much male hormone"

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

Too much apparently means "more than she is entitled to!"
And I suppose it is too much to ask that people someday get that neither testosterone or estrogen is inherently male or female.

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

If it helps, your abstract was in no more need of revision than any other first-draft academic abstract that I've seen. In fact I've seen (and written myself) first drafts of abstracts that have been far less cogent.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Oh, it helps. I'm far less traumatized by the help you and neifile7 offered (and am quite grateful), then I am merely by the act of asking for help, mucking about in an arena where I'm not the most overqualified person in the room, and the fact that I am extremely unused to having to do multiple drafts of anything. My ability to write something all at once and then just clean it up and go is pretty high in pretty much all my other spheres of endeavor.

Also, rain, cold, post-con waaaaaaaaaaaaah.

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

The endless re-drafting of work is one of the things I hate most about academia. I often find that writing the second draft is more difficult than writing the first.

[sushis.livejournal.com]

Good luck with the audition!

(curious to know who the mysterious actor is...Would I plotz, or no?)

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thanks! You are in a relevant community, so perhaps.

[sushis.livejournal.com]

If he's related to my current TV preoccupation, I'll be like all

iopurvpwvn pw54578 vhfukhuisvjsjciosu nr torue o;uho'111!!!1111111111111

I mean, I really hope you get it, whoever it is, but if it's who I think it might be, I'll be extra incoherent in my congratulations.

We will one day, instead of forgotten, be legend.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

But more like Rome or Babylon than Atlantis or Pompeii.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

If you get it, I will plotz! Guaranteed! 8)

Semenya

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

Is this just some stupid Canadian thing, or is the media in the U.S. referring to her as 'transgendered,' when what they are clearly referring to is 'intersex?'

Gah!

Re: Semenya

[rm.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen that. Link? I've been sending intersexed, but I've also not seen an American news story on it.

Re: Semenya

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

It maybe only the national evening and morning news, and may only be CTV, but it's definitely happened several times.
I will look for links.

Re:Canuck MediaFail;was Re: Semenya

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

cbc.ca is referring to her aas a hermaphrodite!!!http://short.to/q2bj
As is the Montreal Gazette:http://short.to/q1om
And the Nation Post(spit is ,and and is additionally referring to her 'undergoing a gender test'(because we can totally test test for that now!): http://short.to/q1ov
CTV news:I don't know if this will work in the U.S.:http://short.to/q1pp
I'll try and track it down later. It really broke my brain!

Re: Canuck MediaFail;was Re: Semenya

[(Anonymous)]

CBC is talking about her right now on the show As It Happens - the host is calling her a "hermaphrodite." The doctor being interviewed (a Dr. Cooper(?) who wrote an open letter to the media about the situation) sort of half-assedly tried to introduce the term "intersexed," but it's not clear whether the point was taken by the host.
The show's website is here: http://www.cbc.ca/asithappens/

Re: Canuck MediaFail;was Re: Semenya

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweet! Public Radio Fail...

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Good luck on the audition!

Would I plotz I wonder... *ponders*

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

and irrelevantly, but because I know you'd understand better than most: I am going to a stranger's wedding tomorrow, as my mother's guest instead of my father. And while it is utterly unacceptable for so many reasons, part of me really wants to ditch the stupid girly summery top I have to wear and go steal pieces of Dad's pinstripe suits and a shirt and tie from his closets, like I started doing back in junior high school.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Semenya is a runner. Seems to me that from a physiological basis, the main difference between male and female runners is that the female hip structure is broader and leads to a less efficient stride. I have no idea how wide the variation is, or how much it overlaps with male hip structure, but if her hips fall anywhere within the normal human range, then I can't see why she shouldn't be competing as a woman - at least, I can't see what difference the testosterone makes for her.

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

Good luck with the audition!!

And the Semenya thing... omg the fail, it burns...

*sigh*

*hugs* and sending good vibes that everything works out in your favor!

[therealycats.livejournal.com]

That entire situation is terrible. About the girl. Not your audition. Yay, audition! Boo, ignorant media and medical professionals. That they would strip her of her medal? Jesus.

[editrx.livejournal.com]

Grats on the audition! You are getting more and, from what you've been saying, better auditions (better roles) lately, and that's a great sign. Woohoo!

Damn, I wish I was still in casting; I'd like to throw you at my old boss (in a good way). I think she'd love you.

[woogledesigns.livejournal.com]

no one creates because they are entirely well, but because they are trying to be.

Not sure if I agree. I create because I feel I have to. The connection you get from sharing your creativity is highly addictive and yes I am an addict. But I got my first hit of that after I started being creative, doing things because I felt compelled. I would and have created things without anyone to look at them. Audience is an excuse and opportunity to create, not the reason to.

I try to be well by being well. By watching my thoughts and actions, going to therapy and taking care of myself. Being creative helps with that because it develops me internally in ways that feel positive and also gives me a means to connect with others. But the urge to be creative is still there in the first place- to do what I'm good at doing.

Maybe you only mean creativity in the sense of putting on a performance. I don't personally like putting on a performance, even though sometimes I have to. I like just being me. What I want to say not what other people want to hear. Anything else makes me feel a little dishonest.