sundries, mostly about bullying

[rm]

During Passover, the Vatican has compared the tone of the outrage currently being directed at the pope and the Catholic church over the various sexual abuse scandals to the persecution of Jews. NOT ON.

The FAA finally moves towards doing the right thing and relaxes some of its archaic rules about pilots and antidepressants. This includes an amnesty policy for pilots who are currently taking anti-depressants and lying about it for fear of losing their license.

The Pentagon has just realized that doing research on repealing DADT violates DADT.

The Superintendent of Schools where a girl hanged herself after being systemically bullied blames the victim over here on CNN. Apparently, you see, the dead girl was "a very private person." When people are insulting you at all hours of the day (at school, in the town, on your cell phone, on the Internet) and telling you that you are worthless and deserve to die and telling everyone else you're a druggie slut whore that deserves to die, you know what? You don't go for help. Because you only know one thing: it doesn't exist.

A New York Times article seems to indicate that bullying at the school is a systemic problem, and people knew about it in this particular case. Additionally, a girl who spoke up on the news about what happened to the girl who killed herself was then subsequently bullied herself; not that that was anything new either, apparently.

Meanwhile, an op-ed addresses the "Myth of Mean Girls," which is worth reading for the degree that it reminds us that there's not been a sudden increase in violence and harassment among girls due to the Internet or whatever else we're blaming this week. However, what the piece misses, to my mind, is the idea that just because the problem isn't new, doesn't mean the problem doesn't deserve attention.

I went to all all girl's school, and because of that you cannot convince me that brutality amongst women is the exception to the rule. Why would it be, when we are told at every turn that the only way to stand up is to knock someone else down and that our entire existence should be devoted to competing for scarce resources (men, beauty, love) without which we are nothing. I know all about mean girls. So is it possible the only reason I didn't kill myself as a teen is that once I was home they largely couldn't get to me and so I at least got a few hours off each day? Yeah, it's damn possible, but I also stole money out of my mother's purse each night, in case I had to run away; it wasn't like I believed one day things would get better.

Bullying, to my mind, has always been about the enforcement of supposed norms and of superficial order. Adults overlook it because it's "just one of those things" or because they went through it too or because they were bullies themselves (or still are). A certain level of bullying is even arguably convenient for disciplinarians -- let the kids keep each other in line, who cares if ti's like Lord of the Flies. I mean, let's face it, adults bully and encourage the bullying of children all the time. What we do to queer kids in this culture is just one example.

I finished the werewolf story. Apparently when given the slightest opportunity, whether I mean to or not, I write horror filtered through farce. I don't know if it's good or if it will suit, but it's in. I'm grateful.

Comments

[jcbemis.livejournal.com]

my spouse and I ar in england - if you get the chance when you come over, you should see "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, the Musical" Playing in the west end- I saw it last night, and wow! I has seen the movie before, and still, Wow!

[cozzene.livejournal.com]

the bullying link to CNN isn't working.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Fixed

[hippypaul.livejournal.com]

Bullying has always been such a huge problem. What do you see, if anything, as even an outline of a possible solution. I have read a great deal on the issue and the few solutions I have seen either involve an impossible level of supervision or a "magic" cure - i.e. we just have to teach them to be nice.

[ckd]

So the superintendent is "trying to ignore" the emails? That shouldn't be too hard; he's clearly been getting lots of practice ignoring things lately.

[sethg]

I don’t know if there’s a magic or formulaic solution, but I think part of the issue is that school administrators need to accept responsibility for fostering a school culture where bullying is not OK. That means not only taking disciplinary action against outright offenses, but paying attention to what kind of relationships students have with one another.

In the settings where the problem has gotten totally out of hand, like South Hadley, adults have gone to the opposite extreme: framing bullying as just a thing that kids do and letting the victims fend for themselves.

As they say in AA, the first step is to admit that you have a problem.

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

One thing I have noticed in comments posted to articles on this issue is how the old "this happens b/c we took prayer out of schools" argument gets trotted out. Which is amusing given that the worst bullying I had to deal with was in a Catholic school... But then again, I wasn't a fetus I guess I was fair game by default. *rolls eyes*

What I don't understand is why the "in loco parentis" issue isn't brought up. If a parent sat and twiddled their thumbs as their kid got pummeled, they would be considered a bad parent. Why aren't the administrators seen the same way? Or are they too busy with the paperwork involved in expelling students for bringing aspirin to class?

[aviv-b.livejournal.com]

I wonder if people realize the true cost of bullying. For some people, the effects of bullying last a lifetime. I was never bullied, but most of my friends were. Whether they are the former fat kids, the kids with the scar, the gay kids, so many of my friends still deal with these childhood horrors. No matter how successful or wonderful they are they still see themselves through that lens of criticism.


I marvel that as the skinny awkward geek kid I was rarely picked on. Probably was due the fact that I was also the angry kid with a big, sarcastic mouth. Can't say I was particularly popular but at least I was left alone. And there are far worse things than benign neglect.

[thatwordgrrl.livejournal.com]

One year at an all-women's college taught me that, in many ways, women are far more cruel and vicious to each other than they EVER are to men. We know how to cut each other in ways men cannot even begin to understand.

It also taught me that if I spend too much time in women-only spaces, I feel fat and unpopular.

[rose71.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the thoughtful round-up of articles on bullying. And thanks for linking to your older post about your own experiences--moving and beautifully written and sometimes darkly funny.

If you haven't seen it yet, thought you might be interested in the upcoming documentary "The Bully Project" http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/group.php?v=info&ref=mf&gid=340876464806

The film is by Lee Hirsch, who has previously done very high-profile movies on politics in South Africa and the U.S. Maybe the film will help clue some people into the abuse of power--political in its own way--among school kids. On a more personal note, Lee was a high school classmate of mine, and I have vivid memories of him being bullied by other boys. ( I was distressed at the time, but--as a small, shy girl--I felt powerless to help.) Besides the wider importance of this movie, it's awesome to see a real-life "revenge of the nerds" triumph story... expect that it's not meant for revenge, but for social healing.

[1-mad-squirrel.livejournal.com]

I was bullied by girls and boys from third grade through middle school, and a little bit in high school. Family wasn't much refuge, except for my grandma. I sometimes wonder how it is that it didn't occur to me to try to kill myself in elementary school. I've thought about what I would have done: skipped school and walked down to Chain Bridge and jumped. But as horrible as everything was, it didn't occur to me. I can only conclude that at least back then I had some hope that I didn't even know about, and I must be much stronger than I've ever given myself credit.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Private person? I wonder why, I truly do.

Bullying is about power and conformity methinks. I think you're extremely right there. And adults, privileging conformity, punishing difference - most certainly encourage it

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

Oh hell. The victim gets blamed no matter what, it seems. When I was being bullied - in school, at camp, at home - I told people about it. People who had the power to discipline others, and had the credibility. And what did they tell me? "It's not that big a deal, is it? It's not like I have any control. Maybe you should be more like everyone else. If you stop attracting so much attention, maybe they'll leave you alone."

Or, better yet, when the boys would gang up on me and try to beat me up, I'd fight back because I knew that the counselors were seeing this shit and simply choosing not to intervene. Except that the counselors would then break it up, and talk to me about my "violent tendencies." Something to the effect of "I know what they're doing is wrong, but you're being just as bad when you choose to hit back." I think remember asking one of them, sarcastically, "What should I do? Just let them hit me?"

"No," he replied. "You come and get a counselor."

Right...maneuver my way out of a gang and run like hell to find a counselor who's going to tell me the same old story about not being able to control them and how I'm too different, and refuse to intervene when needed.

It's ridiculous how hard it is to find someone who will be a willing an courageous advocate for the victims of this world, whether you speak out or not.

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

I, the foreign kid, was hung out the 3rd floor window by the football team in high school, and when I reported it *I* was admonished for lying, the denial was absolute, and still is. People see what goes on and they turn a blind eye, until someone dies.

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

I wish could find this article link now, but there was a psychologist interviewed by some news outlet, and I agree with his assessment; that bullies need to be tossed out of school. Districts almost always put it on the bullying victim to watch his/her back, but the offenders get what? Detention for a day? Let the brats parents figure something out - it's THEIR problem - and protect the vulnerable kids.

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

The "I went through that too and I turned out okay" is one of the worst and most pervasive ways parents leave their kids vulnerable to real damage. I know it's genuinely unwitting, and attests to the multigenerational mind fuck that is part of the horror...but still.

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

Teaching basic social decency is not "magic" or impossible. It used to be part of almost every school curriculum and mission statement.

Nor does an effective anti-bullying program have to involve an "impossible" level of supervision. It requires staff to be immediately responsive when a student reports an incident or staff witnesses one, to believe the bullied over the bullies, and to focus on the bullies' behavior and not blaming the victim.

My kids' school system has an excellent anti-bullying track record. It can be done.

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

I can safely say that in my case, the effects have lasted over 30 years. I'm working through bullying trauma right now in therapy and the behaviors I learned in grammar school continue to negatively affect my relationships and career choices.

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

What always enrages me is the administrators, parents and commenters who say, "The kid should grow a thicker skin. Ignore it. Sticks and stones..."

We expect *children* to put up with and ignore abuses that wouldn't be tolerated for a minute in the workplace. Can you imagine a coworker shoving you, spitting on you, throwing food at you, putting disgusting things in your lunch and calling you sexual slurs and HR saying you should just ignore it and it will go away?

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

I'm...frustrated about the DADT thing. The statements from last week about the moratorium and so on were encouraging in a stopgap sort of way, and the CNN article feels like a roll-back. Though apparently these things weren't ever on the table?

Grr.

I have werewolf commentary for you sometime today, btw.

ETA:

I was hesitant to talk about the bullying thing, but it looks like that is the Conversation That Is Happening, and damn. You know how neurotic I am about other human beings, and how much work I'm having to do with my own core beliefs.

Yeah, thanks small town. Thanks Southern Baptist Convention. Thanks school that was tremendously ineffective at protecting me. The message I always got was 'because you are different, people will be cruel to you.' And while I credit a handful of teachers and counselors for turning that overwhelming poison into something I could eat (if only for a while), I've never, ever not felt like an outsider.

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

This.

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

The whole bullying thing just makes me so upset... I'm sad and angry...

Once upon a time, I was her...

The only reason I didn't go through with my suicide plan was that as I was writing my goodbye note, I recognized that I would be destroying my parents... and that most likely the students at my school wouldn't be hurt by the realization that they caused my death, they would probably celebrate their success.

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

I am still baffled about how someone is supposed to get themselves free from being surrounded on all sides without coming into physical contact with the people surrounding them...

[rm.livejournal.com]

The thing that's weird about the bullying conversation to me, is how often I feel like I need to step up and say (among 80 other things) that I oddly wasn't bullied for being queer or gender-nonconforming, however, that subject was one of the key modes of harassment. No one thought I was queer. They just thought I was ugly.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Oh, also, since story is into editor, there's nothing than can be done about it now, but any words of it being interesting/not sucking/etc REALLY appreciated. It was a slog.