sundries, mostly about bullying

[rm]

During Passover, the Vatican has compared the tone of the outrage currently being directed at the pope and the Catholic church over the various sexual abuse scandals to the persecution of Jews. NOT ON.

The FAA finally moves towards doing the right thing and relaxes some of its archaic rules about pilots and antidepressants. This includes an amnesty policy for pilots who are currently taking anti-depressants and lying about it for fear of losing their license.

The Pentagon has just realized that doing research on repealing DADT violates DADT.

The Superintendent of Schools where a girl hanged herself after being systemically bullied blames the victim over here on CNN. Apparently, you see, the dead girl was "a very private person." When people are insulting you at all hours of the day (at school, in the town, on your cell phone, on the Internet) and telling you that you are worthless and deserve to die and telling everyone else you're a druggie slut whore that deserves to die, you know what? You don't go for help. Because you only know one thing: it doesn't exist.

A New York Times article seems to indicate that bullying at the school is a systemic problem, and people knew about it in this particular case. Additionally, a girl who spoke up on the news about what happened to the girl who killed herself was then subsequently bullied herself; not that that was anything new either, apparently.

Meanwhile, an op-ed addresses the "Myth of Mean Girls," which is worth reading for the degree that it reminds us that there's not been a sudden increase in violence and harassment among girls due to the Internet or whatever else we're blaming this week. However, what the piece misses, to my mind, is the idea that just because the problem isn't new, doesn't mean the problem doesn't deserve attention.

I went to all all girl's school, and because of that you cannot convince me that brutality amongst women is the exception to the rule. Why would it be, when we are told at every turn that the only way to stand up is to knock someone else down and that our entire existence should be devoted to competing for scarce resources (men, beauty, love) without which we are nothing. I know all about mean girls. So is it possible the only reason I didn't kill myself as a teen is that once I was home they largely couldn't get to me and so I at least got a few hours off each day? Yeah, it's damn possible, but I also stole money out of my mother's purse each night, in case I had to run away; it wasn't like I believed one day things would get better.

Bullying, to my mind, has always been about the enforcement of supposed norms and of superficial order. Adults overlook it because it's "just one of those things" or because they went through it too or because they were bullies themselves (or still are). A certain level of bullying is even arguably convenient for disciplinarians -- let the kids keep each other in line, who cares if ti's like Lord of the Flies. I mean, let's face it, adults bully and encourage the bullying of children all the time. What we do to queer kids in this culture is just one example.

I finished the werewolf story. Apparently when given the slightest opportunity, whether I mean to or not, I write horror filtered through farce. I don't know if it's good or if it will suit, but it's in. I'm grateful.

Comments

[jcbemis.livejournal.com]

my spouse and I ar in england - if you get the chance when you come over, you should see "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, the Musical" Playing in the west end- I saw it last night, and wow! I has seen the movie before, and still, Wow!

[cozzene.livejournal.com]

the bullying link to CNN isn't working.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Fixed

[hippypaul.livejournal.com]

Bullying has always been such a huge problem. What do you see, if anything, as even an outline of a possible solution. I have read a great deal on the issue and the few solutions I have seen either involve an impossible level of supervision or a "magic" cure - i.e. we just have to teach them to be nice.

[sethg]

I don’t know if there’s a magic or formulaic solution, but I think part of the issue is that school administrators need to accept responsibility for fostering a school culture where bullying is not OK. That means not only taking disciplinary action against outright offenses, but paying attention to what kind of relationships students have with one another.

In the settings where the problem has gotten totally out of hand, like South Hadley, adults have gone to the opposite extreme: framing bullying as just a thing that kids do and letting the victims fend for themselves.

As they say in AA, the first step is to admit that you have a problem.

[ckd]

So the superintendent is "trying to ignore" the emails? That shouldn't be too hard; he's clearly been getting lots of practice ignoring things lately.

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

One thing I have noticed in comments posted to articles on this issue is how the old "this happens b/c we took prayer out of schools" argument gets trotted out. Which is amusing given that the worst bullying I had to deal with was in a Catholic school... But then again, I wasn't a fetus I guess I was fair game by default. *rolls eyes*

What I don't understand is why the "in loco parentis" issue isn't brought up. If a parent sat and twiddled their thumbs as their kid got pummeled, they would be considered a bad parent. Why aren't the administrators seen the same way? Or are they too busy with the paperwork involved in expelling students for bringing aspirin to class?

[thepyromanical1.livejournal.com]

The prayer thing is such bullshit. I go to an all-girls Catholic school, and praying does absolutely nothing to deter the really nasty people.

[aviv-b.livejournal.com]

I wonder if people realize the true cost of bullying. For some people, the effects of bullying last a lifetime. I was never bullied, but most of my friends were. Whether they are the former fat kids, the kids with the scar, the gay kids, so many of my friends still deal with these childhood horrors. No matter how successful or wonderful they are they still see themselves through that lens of criticism.


I marvel that as the skinny awkward geek kid I was rarely picked on. Probably was due the fact that I was also the angry kid with a big, sarcastic mouth. Can't say I was particularly popular but at least I was left alone. And there are far worse things than benign neglect.

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

I can safely say that in my case, the effects have lasted over 30 years. I'm working through bullying trauma right now in therapy and the behaviors I learned in grammar school continue to negatively affect my relationships and career choices.

[thatwordgrrl.livejournal.com]

One year at an all-women's college taught me that, in many ways, women are far more cruel and vicious to each other than they EVER are to men. We know how to cut each other in ways men cannot even begin to understand.

It also taught me that if I spend too much time in women-only spaces, I feel fat and unpopular.

[rose71.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the thoughtful round-up of articles on bullying. And thanks for linking to your older post about your own experiences--moving and beautifully written and sometimes darkly funny.

If you haven't seen it yet, thought you might be interested in the upcoming documentary "The Bully Project" http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/group.php?v=info&ref=mf&gid=340876464806

The film is by Lee Hirsch, who has previously done very high-profile movies on politics in South Africa and the U.S. Maybe the film will help clue some people into the abuse of power--political in its own way--among school kids. On a more personal note, Lee was a high school classmate of mine, and I have vivid memories of him being bullied by other boys. ( I was distressed at the time, but--as a small, shy girl--I felt powerless to help.) Besides the wider importance of this movie, it's awesome to see a real-life "revenge of the nerds" triumph story... expect that it's not meant for revenge, but for social healing.

[1-mad-squirrel.livejournal.com]

I was bullied by girls and boys from third grade through middle school, and a little bit in high school. Family wasn't much refuge, except for my grandma. I sometimes wonder how it is that it didn't occur to me to try to kill myself in elementary school. I've thought about what I would have done: skipped school and walked down to Chain Bridge and jumped. But as horrible as everything was, it didn't occur to me. I can only conclude that at least back then I had some hope that I didn't even know about, and I must be much stronger than I've ever given myself credit.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Private person? I wonder why, I truly do.

Bullying is about power and conformity methinks. I think you're extremely right there. And adults, privileging conformity, punishing difference - most certainly encourage it

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

Oh hell. The victim gets blamed no matter what, it seems. When I was being bullied - in school, at camp, at home - I told people about it. People who had the power to discipline others, and had the credibility. And what did they tell me? "It's not that big a deal, is it? It's not like I have any control. Maybe you should be more like everyone else. If you stop attracting so much attention, maybe they'll leave you alone."

Or, better yet, when the boys would gang up on me and try to beat me up, I'd fight back because I knew that the counselors were seeing this shit and simply choosing not to intervene. Except that the counselors would then break it up, and talk to me about my "violent tendencies." Something to the effect of "I know what they're doing is wrong, but you're being just as bad when you choose to hit back." I think remember asking one of them, sarcastically, "What should I do? Just let them hit me?"

"No," he replied. "You come and get a counselor."

Right...maneuver my way out of a gang and run like hell to find a counselor who's going to tell me the same old story about not being able to control them and how I'm too different, and refuse to intervene when needed.

It's ridiculous how hard it is to find someone who will be a willing an courageous advocate for the victims of this world, whether you speak out or not.

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

I am still baffled about how someone is supposed to get themselves free from being surrounded on all sides without coming into physical contact with the people surrounding them...

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

I, the foreign kid, was hung out the 3rd floor window by the football team in high school, and when I reported it *I* was admonished for lying, the denial was absolute, and still is. People see what goes on and they turn a blind eye, until someone dies.

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

I wish could find this article link now, but there was a psychologist interviewed by some news outlet, and I agree with his assessment; that bullies need to be tossed out of school. Districts almost always put it on the bullying victim to watch his/her back, but the offenders get what? Detention for a day? Let the brats parents figure something out - it's THEIR problem - and protect the vulnerable kids.

[graene.livejournal.com]

Amen.

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

The "I went through that too and I turned out okay" is one of the worst and most pervasive ways parents leave their kids vulnerable to real damage. I know it's genuinely unwitting, and attests to the multigenerational mind fuck that is part of the horror...but still.

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

If I had a nickel for every time...

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

What always enrages me is the administrators, parents and commenters who say, "The kid should grow a thicker skin. Ignore it. Sticks and stones..."

We expect *children* to put up with and ignore abuses that wouldn't be tolerated for a minute in the workplace. Can you imagine a coworker shoving you, spitting on you, throwing food at you, putting disgusting things in your lunch and calling you sexual slurs and HR saying you should just ignore it and it will go away?

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

This.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

I'm...frustrated about the DADT thing. The statements from last week about the moratorium and so on were encouraging in a stopgap sort of way, and the CNN article feels like a roll-back. Though apparently these things weren't ever on the table?

Grr.

I have werewolf commentary for you sometime today, btw.

ETA:

I was hesitant to talk about the bullying thing, but it looks like that is the Conversation That Is Happening, and damn. You know how neurotic I am about other human beings, and how much work I'm having to do with my own core beliefs.

Yeah, thanks small town. Thanks Southern Baptist Convention. Thanks school that was tremendously ineffective at protecting me. The message I always got was 'because you are different, people will be cruel to you.' And while I credit a handful of teachers and counselors for turning that overwhelming poison into something I could eat (if only for a while), I've never, ever not felt like an outsider.

[rm.livejournal.com]

The thing that's weird about the bullying conversation to me, is how often I feel like I need to step up and say (among 80 other things) that I oddly wasn't bullied for being queer or gender-nonconforming, however, that subject was one of the key modes of harassment. No one thought I was queer. They just thought I was ugly.

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

The whole bullying thing just makes me so upset... I'm sad and angry...

Once upon a time, I was her...

The only reason I didn't go through with my suicide plan was that as I was writing my goodbye note, I recognized that I would be destroying my parents... and that most likely the students at my school wouldn't be hurt by the realization that they caused my death, they would probably celebrate their success.

[i-amthecosmos.livejournal.com]

I was a social misfit and nothing worse until we moved and changed schools. We were really poor and I wore clothes from K-Mart, which still sold only slightly flared jeans in 1981. I would be stopped in the halls and asked what I was thinking with that outfit. From there, there was taunting, spitting, pushing, ect.

I was in Special Education classes, not for dyslexia or anything solid, but because of "behavioral problems".(I didn't speak above a whisper in school that whole year.) I had a teacher who had health problems and would go to the bathroom for up to twenty minutes at a time. Leaving me in a trailer classroom with boys who were about 14 and huge and several other students doing their goddamn best to be invisible.

Those guys started making jokes, laughing, and walking towards me. I waited until they got within striking distance, then went from zero to batshit, shrieking and swinging my desk at them. I think I clipped one of them.

This gave me the reputation as a "crazy bitch", and while I was still bullied it was from a further distance. No displinary action was taken. Years later when I got my records from the Special Education people (which proved that they had lied to me for years about having a learning disability) it said in my record for that year that I was "somewhat impulsive".

Also that year, I knocked a six foot boy over with my backpack. (I was 11-12 and about 114 pounds.) He never bothered me again either.

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

*nods*

I found that the "crazy bitch" label worked to keep people at bay...

After you throw a desk at someone, throw someone else into a trophy case, and otherwise react violently when provoked, people tend to leave you alone...

[delchi.livejournal.com]

"Not On" Is about the most polite way of putting it. That's so amazingly wrong it's ... it's scary.

This will not end well. Nor should it.

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

The only thing that surprises me about that statement it that the guy didn't *blame* the Jews for the whole clusterfuck in the first place, given that today is Good Friday. Having read "Constantine's Sword" several years ago, there is a brutal history of that very thing happening.

[deza.livejournal.com]

It's nice to know I'm not the only kid who stole money to be able to get away. I regularly reported the bullying, to my parents if no one else. The only time something was done was when I came home with a dislocated elbow from a bus bully. My experience was if it didn't do physical damage, no one else gave a damn.

I'm actively working on this with my kids. I try to give them the sense of self-esteem that is the first defense against bullies. I talk to them about seeing things from the other person's point of view, both to keep them from bullying others and to help them see why other kids act out the way they do. I've let them know they can talk to me about anything, and they've seen me call teachers over incidents in the classroom. I feel like I'm walking a fine line, trying to keep them safe and keep them from becoming bullies themselves. It's a challenge.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Oh, and just to note--I tried to commit suicide several times, starting at 12. Still have the scars (cut wrists). I was just really bad at what I tried (pulling a scarf tight around my throat, not realizing I'd ease up the pressure when I passed out), or found before it worked (pulled out of the car before the carbon monoxide reached fatal levels). Having your stomach pumped (found with the empty bottle of pills) is not something I recommend.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

Meanwhile, an op-ed addresses the "Myth of Mean Girls," which is worth reading for the degree that it reminds us that there's not been a sudden increase in violence and harassment among girls due to the Internet or whatever else we're blaming this week. However, what the piece misses, to my mind, is the idea that just because the problem isn't new, doesn't mean the problem doesn't deserve attention.

I recently read an lj entry by someone worried about their kid being bullied and several of the responses from other parents were all "schools are so much more dangerous & scary than in the 70s or 80s", which is utter nonsense and makes me wonder if those people somehow magically forgot how much school sucked, or if perhaps they were simply the ones doing the bullying. It was a problem, remains is a problem, and I completely agree that adults need to stop it.

[gatheringrivers]

In some ways, it IS more scary.

Sodas are regularly in school - there wasn't a THOUGH of those being allowed when I was in school - with "sugar free" options that contain artificial sweeteners KNOWN TO CAUSE ANGER AND COGNITIVE ISSUES and they wonder why kids are violent?

The cafeteria ALONE is a scarier place than in the 70's and 80's.

[meirion.livejournal.com]

Oho, that was Fr Sing the Mass, was it?

I note that the Archbishop of Canterbury appears to have grown at least a little vestige of a spine in recent remarks about the sexual abuse scandals.

[dreamer-easy.livejournal.com]

That "Myth of Mean Girls" op-ed equates bullying with physical violence. This is incorrect; for example, the case the writers use as an example involved verbal abuse, text messages, and the use of social networking sites to organise harassment, as well as physical abuse. (Confusingly, the piece also includes statistics on sexual assault as evidence about female violence, even though rapists are overwhelmingly male.) The supposed current wave of girl violence is a media creation - one which, I suspect, is really a moral panic about girls acting in an "unfeminine" way. OTOH, bullying (http://kateorman.livejournal.com/tag/bullying) is hardly a new phenomenon - although bullies are taking full advantage of technology to stalk, harass, threaten, abuse, and exclude. In fact, I wonder if the increasing awareness of bullying as a serious educational and mental health issue is the result of the Internet making it much more visible than in the past.