sundries

[rm]

Last night we had awesome Indian food. After being totally disappointed by this place's dopiaza in the past (to be fair, it's not on their menu, but they will make what's not there) and not being able to get a table at the place we wanted to try, I had their palak ghost and it blew me out of the water. So yay. And we picked up gluten-free cupcakes for me beforehand and went for icecream (I had honeydew icecream -- not sorbet, icecream!) afterwards.

writerinadrawer Round 4.08 voting still on. Only six stories to read this week, because this will decide the top 5. Also, this was a prompt near and dear to my heart, so I look forward to when voting ends and we can discuss.

graduate_maria auctions continue through tomorrow. I'll post a list of 1 and no-bid items later today.

Officials, including the governor, in CA are pushing to have the stay on the Prop 8 overturn lifted. While this is unlikely to happen, it is more likely now than it was. Boies, meanwhile, thinks the 9th Circuit will rule on the case this year, and that it is a "dead certainty" it will go to the Supreme Court, presumably in 2011. I've been involved in conversations about equal marriage cases and the Supreme Court since 1990. I can't believe it's taken this long; I can't believe we're here already, and wow, is it profoundly nerve-wracking.

A few days ago bitsyrant posted a thing about transphobia on Family Guy and then, more problematically, from the creator of Family Guy when asked about the thing on the show. This led to a discussion in redstapler's LJ that you can't read because it's friendslocked, but it included someone asserting at length that not disclosing trans-status before a sexual encounter is like rape. That conversation has now turned into this post.

Look folks, you are not entitled to other people's bodies being the way you expect/desire them to be. When you start taking someone's clothes off and what you find isn't the expectation in your brain and you're not into it anymore? You know what you do? You cool things off, explain what's not your bag, and call them a cab.

Here's what you don't do: You don't berate a woman for false advertising because it turns our she was wearing a water bra. You don't hand a woman a razor, shove her into the shower and tell her to groom herself better because her choices related to how much hair she likes to keep on her body don't work for you. And yes, I've been the target of both of those moments, more than once, and I sucked them up because I was stupid enough to think I was in the wrong and thought I should take whatever help was to be offered to me in matters of how to be a woman, correctly and appropriately.

I have, conversely, had people disclose all sorts of things to me before we went to bed because they were afraid being human was a dealbreaker and they had been conditioned to believe that the only way to talk about their flesh was to confess it. Once: "I'm fat, you know." I know, I am touching you through your clothes right now and I totally know you are fat and I am totally into you.

So when a trans person doesn't disclose to you right off? When you don't find out until after or during your moment of desiring them, or kissing them, or engaging in sex with them? Guess what? You didn't get raped. Or tricked. Or used.

What you got was a moment with someone hoping, not just that you'd still like them when you found out, but that you wouldn't beat them to death for wanting someone for which you might not get societal approval points for having.

The people you fuck aren't a game. You don't get to level up if you score the girl with the right hair color, breast size and landing strip. If you're ashamed of screwing someone whether it's because she has short hair or hairy legs or a penis, that shame is your problem and not her damn fault, not for a second.

And you know what the best response is if you suddenly find yourself wanting someone and hating yourself for it? Don't fuck them. And if you do it anyway or change your mind later, and can't get over your shit? The best response is not making completely inaccurate, devaluing, dehumanizing statements about fucking rape.

Nobody owes you most of the shit you think you're entitled to. It's just that damn simple.

Also? Before anyone makes another annoying analogy, yes, it's reasonable and appropriate to hope/expect/desire someone disclosure their STD-status to you.

But guess what? Being trans is not a communicable disease. Neither is having small tits or hairy legs. You aren't owed this information in advance because you are not actually harmed by not having it.

Are you writing Inception fanfic? If so, this is useful and hilarious.

Women prefer men who wear red. I feel less shame about the awesome brick-colored Ianto-esque dress shirt in my closet now.

South Cape May: the town that was.

Last night on Buffy, "Storyteller" and "Lies My Parents Told Me." "Storyteller" is a great fucking episode, even if what it has to say about story is at times something I radically disagree with and/or unclear. But it's funny and poignant and advances the plot and makes Andrew awesome and solves narrative problems.

"Lies My Parents Told Me" is a stranger, more complicated episode. We have to contend with Spike's incestuousness and the costumes of no actual discernable historical era. Also, Robin being in this anti-vampire gave to avenge his mom? Fine. Robin being in this anti vampire game to kill Spike? Fine. Robin having his creepy, osessive, cross-covered shed for vampire killing? Makes Robin a way less interesting character than he could have been. Blarg. Also, Giles, you're an idiot.

Comments

[shoiryu.livejournal.com]

Oh, so that guy didn't get enough attention in the original post, I guess! That was a pretty textbook example of the intersection of homophobia (WHAT IF HAVE SEX WITH A MAN???!) and transphobia (HE'S TRICKING ME INTO THINKING HE'S A WOMAN) into a gross privilege panic loop of disingenuous arguments in a desperate attempt to convolute the actual base of the issue (that being, of course, that he's a fucking bigot.)

[rm.livejournal.com]

AYUP.

And if he wants attention, there are 1,100 people reading this who can give it to him.

[shoiryu.livejournal.com]

You, my dear, are a treasure. :')

[dremiel.livejournal.com]

Also? Before anyone makes another annoying analogy, yes, it's reasonable and appropriate to hope/expect/desire someone disclosure their STD-status to you.

But guess what? Being trans is not a communicable disease. Neither is having small tits or hairy legs. You aren't owed this information in advance because you are not actually harmed by not having it.

THIS. OH, GOD THIS. THANK YOU!

bottom line on information. IM[not so]HO.

[amberite2112.livejournal.com]

in my view, anything that happens inside your head, is your responsibility.
whether it surprises you, or scares you, or enlightens you, or educates, or turns you on or off - what you do with it is your responsibility. there's a brain in there for many reasons.
one of them is that it is a control panel of sorts. it allows you to control what you do and how you do it. if you cannot use it for that purpose, i maintain that you cannot be called truly human.

[tod-hollykim.livejournal.com]

South Cape May is not that unusual.

I grew up on Long Beach Island, north of Atlantic City and south of Seaside Heights in Ocean County.

There was a small island just off the south end of LBI called... Tucker's Island I think it was. Had a lighthouse and a few homes there. One weather there was a bad enough storm that just wiped out the island. An uncle who ran charters down to Florida from LBI and usually spent the winter down in Florida, came back that sprint and sailed over Tucker's.

It mostly stayed drowned until a few years ago when most summers a largish sand bar would pop up and folks would go out and party. Not big enough to build anything on and it would disappear most winters.

And in 1962 there was a bad nor'easter that almost cut the north end of the island, aka Barnegat Light, off from the rest of the island. Wiped a lot of houses off the island. Since then people have rebuild- a LOT of McMansions and million dollar homes- which will probably get wiped off the island sooner or later.

[elisi]

That's a brilliant rant! *applauds*

[gement.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is me so not jumping into that disclosure post.

I had to be clue-batted regarding trans disclosure/consent arguments about a year ago (though not to this jerk's degree) and I just can't even go there. (My fail was from the "but why wouldn't you trust me?" school, and I'm better now.)

I personally for my own emotional protection would, if I had [significant body scars/not the genitals someone's expecting/something else that I expect to get a startled or negative reaction] mention it before the relevant article of clothing came off so they can opt out or brace themselves before I have to deal with their strong negative reaction. But that's my own deal, and if someone else has a different standard and I'm startled, then I'm startled.

Edit to add addendum: I don't pass well enough to ever have this come up (sad face), but I'd be way too chickenshit to ever try to pull something like the first scene in The Leather Daddy and the Femme. I logically respect people's option to do so. In my personal case, it would hit both my fear of rejection and my over-developed sense of disclosure* way too hard.

* I also have trouble doing entirely appropriate levels of non-disclosure in work situations because it feels like dishonesty and hiding even though it's a perfectly reasonable 'none of their business' boundary.

[sunhawk.livejournal.com]

Amen to your transphobia rant!

[regyt.livejournal.com]

What Indian restaurant was that?

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Very much yes!

[bitsyrant.livejournal.com]

I really appreciate you calling attention to this recent transphobic outburst and what you said was so spot on. I am not always so capable of being reasonable when someone who claims to be sympathetic to the struggles of trans people conflates nondisclosure of transness with rape and does so by appropriating feminist language for misogynistic intent. What you said got right to the heart of the issue and it means a lot that you would take the time to share your thoughts since, as you deftly pointed out, this is important and relevant to trans and cis women alike.

I'm actually contemplating putting up a poll to see what people think would happen if something like this ever went to court. Like, for example, if a white, hetero, cis male claimed to be raped via nondisclosure by say, for example, a trans woman of color in oh, I dunno, one of our countries many red states... what would the result be? Would a judge actually find that trans woman guilty?

[rax.livejournal.com]

So, first of all, I absolutely agree with you on trans disclosure and who has responsibilities where and thank you for saying it. However:

So when a trans person doesn't disclose to you right off? When you don't find out until after or during your moment of desiring them, or kissing them, or engaging in sex with them? Guess what? You didn't get raped. Or tricked. Or used.

The only thing I'd say, cautiously, is that you might feel raped or tricked or used, and even thought you weren't, those feelings are real and merit consideration in any serious approach to this problem. Personally, I think it's on the person who feels that way to deal with those feelings --- but in arguing passionately on behalf of our rights to inhabit our bodies safely, we should not ignore those feelings or we may not come across very well.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

All I can say is a big YES to your post on the onus of disclosure. That person is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

Nothing more at the mo'.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Banjara. Patty's loved what she's gotten both times. The first time was just "ok" for me. What I had last night was as good as any curry I had in London.

[contrarywise]

Yes, yes, and more yes to your rant. I'd moved on from redstapler's post before that highly problematic comment thread showed up, and I *really* don't have the mental/emotional bandwidth to read it now, but from the initial few comments plus your rant, I can guess the tone and content of much of the rest, and that's quite enough.

What you got was a moment with someone hoping, not just that you'd still like them when you found out, but that you wouldn't beat them to death for wanting someone for which you might not get societal approval points for having.

This. A thousand times this.

[christinenorris.livejournal.com]

Cape May proper is a lovely bit of Victorian America, where the homes and B&B's still sport gingerbread trim and many houses are pink. We have time-travel towns here in the Southern part of the state, which is nothing like the North and we should be separate states.

Just up the road from Victorian Cape May, where you can stand at the very end of the state and see the concrete ship sinking on a beach called Sunset, where you can search through the stones for a Cape May Diamond, and the lighthouse beach with leftover bits of WWII on the beach, is Wildwood, where the 50's and Doo Wop never left. It's like a Annette Funicello movie. Even new businesses design their buildings to fit into the decor.

Yes, we in NJ are weird, but we like it that way.

[contrarywise]

Thank you for your original post on the subject. All of it. I don't know McFarlane or his work, but that's just not on.

[virginia-fell.livejournal.com]

=D

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

I went off and actually responded to the guy. I had to pull out once I got to the guy who was "not taking sides" but was referring to post-op trans genitals as "disfigurement" and talking about "natural" vs. "man-made" genitals. I had to stop myself from going in with the whole large percentage of male genitals in the US are surgically-altered and could therefore be considered "man-made" and... yeah. Feh.

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

I really need to get back to the Jersey shore sometime, not least to show my wife where my family has spent many summers (at my great-aunt's place in Townsend's Inlet), especially now that I can actually appreciate the Victorians in Cape May.

[idunn.livejournal.com]

Especially since trans people suffer from higher incidences of violence from gay/transphobic bigots, so disclosing one's status can up one's chances of being murdered >_>

[christinenorris.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's not really a kid-oriented town, not the way Wildwood is. Definitely a slower place. LOTS of French Canadians come for vacation, so there's almost more French on the beach than English. Which is kind of cool.

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

Nobody owes you most of the shit you think you're entitled to. It's just that damn simple.

This. All over the place, in all sorts of ways. Drives me up the proverbial wall.

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

That's pretty nifty!

I used to love the boardwalk and the "watch the tram car please" announcements (to the point that I used that as the name of the very first social forum I ever administrated on a major mainframe) and looking at (but never riding) the Ferris wheels on the piers. I think we sometimes did Wildwood, but more often did Ocean City for kid-me amusement.