rm | on being comfortable and being true to myself

on being comfortable and being true to myself

Yesterday I posted something under friendslock about gender presentation, public reaction and my stress about what to wear to the opera.

Lots of people, who are all awesome and well-meaning, reacted with "wear whatever makes you comfortable" or "be true to yourself!"

I wish, I really wish, it was that simple.

Being gender non-conforming means that comfort can be hard to define. Do I wear what expresses how I'm feeling on a given day best? Or what keeps me safest? Do I wear what's fanciest or what I'm sure won't make a work colleague think less of me? Do I wear something that might get me hassled using a public restroom (and, yes, this has happened) when I have a disease that sometimes makes me need one in a gendered space urgently?

Which question do I answer when I choose what to wear? And, as someone who isn't trans, who is therefore female bodied and some days can wear a dress happily and some days has to grit their teeth to get through it because they feel like a horrible drag cartoon, which self am I supposed to be true to? The one I feel like today that makes other people uncomfortable, or the one I felt like last week that gets rewards for showing leg and asking permission?

Right now, I am in a small town in a foreign country where I don't speak the language and where gender norms are both different and stricter than where I reside. My only associations here are work colleagues I am varying degrees of friendly with and none of whom come from my national or queer culture. I do not see these people often professionally, but they affect the work, opportunities and salary I am assigned. Every impression matters, and I am already so different and not like them: queer and not-Christian and American.

I live in a flat with little privacy with near strangers who I had to tell not to laugh about the transwoman next door. I have to take several trains, at night, through regions and places I recognize neither by sight nor name yet, to get to the opera. If I get lost, if I'm challenged for my gender presentation, if I need to interact with anyone in any way, I may not be able to. Not seeming pretty and non-threatening can make that harder in a culture that values homogenity and has active political campaigns in mainstream discourse decrying outsiders of all types, including foreigners (even ones as white as I) and Jews.

The opera, meanwhile, is a matter of symbolism for me, among other things. It is not just theater and story on the stage, but in my heart.

So yes, I know what I want to wear. And I know other people's opinions shouldn't matter. And I get the ideal of being comfortable and true to myself.

But it's not that simple. It's not a single-axis problem, but a multi-axis problem: of safety and comfort and beauty and ambition and communication and secrets.

I love your enthusiasm. And you're not "doing it wrong." And I love that you love my suits and my narrative and the wacky world I live in inside my head and whatever. And I also get that I may have been less than clear about the issues in my original post, and that's on me.

But this stuff is complicated, and the answers aren't easy: not for me, not for many queer people, not for most gender-noncoformming people, not for trans people, and I think you should know that.

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For what it's worth, I completely failed to express nuance in my comment, and I am totally sorry.

I'm genderqueer myself. I don't see much point to it, and yet I live in the world, so I have to get all "girled up", as it were, for interviews and weddings and the like, and it feels weird and awkward. Same as when I get "guyed up", &c, to go to work. I get whole times when I'd rather wear a suit than a dress, and yet I'm going to a wedding (or whatever), and I'd really rather not hear fifteen people say "It'd be so hot for you to wear a suit!", like I'm dressing up for hotness.

(Hello, personal crap.)

Mostly, I was just attempting to emphasise what others had phrased better -- that it is the opera and yay, and life is short and thus, and that weight should be thrown towards experiencing life versus conforming gender-wise, if your cost/benefit analysis susses it out thus.

[eta userpic, parenthetical.]

Edited 2010-11-12 07:41 (UTC)

I've got a feeling that this post is going to be one of those that leads to great discussions. (That was to

rm, but your comment struck a nerve.)

I also get the "It'd be hot" comments- on both sides of presentation. I try to smile, nod, whatever- but man, sometimes, I'd like to just scream, "My existence is not for your entertainment!"

Oh, thank you so much for laying all of this out so clearly. I saw your original post and just sort of nodded in my head, "yup, complicated, sucks, good luck" and didn't comment. "Which self to be true to?" is only the tip of the iceberg, even on regular days. In a foreign country, on a work trip? To the opera? Makes my head hurt, and I'm not the one who has to figure out an answer.

But I will pass to you with my memory of seeing Samuel Ramey in the lobby of the SF Opera, with serious Baritone Hair, wearing a truly resplendent orange suit, if it helps.

Ditto. Well, except for the Sam Ramey part. Had I commented on the other post, it would have been, "Wow, I have no idea what the variables even are, and I know we can't actually answer the question so you're just talking out loud to look for some kind of reassurance, so here is some blanket reassurance that you know yourself and can make a good decision."

So pretend I said that.

Yeah, add me to that sentiment as well. Only you truly know the situation that you are in and what is the best decision wardrobe wise.

Very well put. I'm glad to see it spelled out so clearly - I've struggled, at times, to explain just how involved the mere act of getting dressed every day can be. Thank you.

Thank you for saying this so well. I've never really been able to explain to a lot of the people in my life that daily calculus that Which way is it most important to be comfortable today -- in my identity, or in my safety?

I spend a lot of time in jeans and a baggy t-shirt because it is the nothing place in between, which isn't happymaking, but when they are dismissing me because I dress like a shlubby geek, they aren't catching what I'm really hiding.

I am undergoing training for online teaching right now, and the enforced "community" is straining all my resources and then some. I don't feel safe, I don't feel acceptable, I don't feel like I want to play their reindeer games, because I am certain that I am not going to be OK if I am "true to myself." And that's without having to deal with all the nuances of in-person gender presentation, which as a fat queer femme are another brand of crazy-making.

So, I hear you.

Not on your locked list, so I didn't see the other post. That said, YES to this one. And I don't tend to have the safety issues with it that you, and so many other people have. And yet, this is despite my choices in varyingly gendered clothing and presentation.

But again, yes. Yes to the constant worry about what one's co-workers might think, or say, if you wear things that push their boundaries. I can't wear my favorite pair of trousers to work, because while they are unisex, all the women I work with wear 'girly' trousers.

Sorry, I derailed again. Thank you, again, for sharing. Sometimes it's a matter of hearing the thoughts I'm usually too afraid to share.

-m

I have nothing terribly constructive to say, other than that it makes me sad to see so many of my friends have to go through these struggles and put up with this bull. The world is big enough for us all, and I really wish that the people living in the world would understand this and skootch over and let everyone have some space.

:nodding:

I didn't respond yesterday either because I honestly didn't know what to say. My default would be to "dress as the society you're currently in expects you to", but that's too pat an answer because of all the implications.

Your worries over what to wear and all the reasons behind those worries makes me feel less alone.

I regularly fret over what to wear because my preferred presentation (mini-skirts, tight t-shirts/tank tops, fishnets, stompy boots, and braids) is provocative on several levels and codes me as someone who can be dismissed.

So, for the most part, my wardrobe is a compromise. What can I wear today, that expresses who I am, that is acceptable for work (including keeping me warm enough so as I don't spend the day shivering (my office is always cold)) or dealing with the kidlet's teachers, etc.

Thank you.

Just nodding in total understanding.
Thank you for this post.

This really resonates. For me, there are always certain worries when dressing in a non-gender-conforming way, and there are also certain unique difficulties that come from sometimes, but not always, doing so-- if people are used to seeing you in formal feminine wear, dressing in a suit is maybe more shocking than if they were meeting you for the first time. Living in a foreign country where gender norms are more strictly enforced makes that kind of decision even more complicated. Anyway, my point is that I'm sympathetic to your dilemma.

Whatever you end up deciding, I hope you have a blast, eh? :) I'm sure you'll look stellar no matter what.

This is an interesting topic to see so many people's strong emotional reactions to, because I am totally not conscious of it myself. I'm not really aware of fashion, in general, and my approach to clothing is typically "This is cheap and comfortable, does my company's [business formal] dress code allow me to wear it?" There's nothing special about my gender presentation, and I don't really have a sense of other people presenting as "male" or "female" unless they make an active deal about that. (When a trans friend of mine started presenting as female, my biggest issue was remembering her new name. The change in clothing style just kinda slipped past my notice.)

I suspect that my clothing choices, like so many things in my life, are causing people to make crass judgements about me and limiting my career progress, but it's all "informed". Beyond obvious things like not wearing sweatpants in public so people don't think I'm a child molester, it's not something I think I have the mental resources to fix.

Thank you for this.

This topic is just kind of been my whole week (okay, who am I kidding, it's my every-day topic, but whatever). This stuff is SO complicated, as demonstrated to me AGAIN rather horrifyingly at the "business fashion" presentation at work this week. As someone who currently identifies as genderqueer/genderfluid, and works in a conservative office, and has an extremely conservative family...not to mention all the internal issues I fight with on a daily basis...well, this:
female bodied and some days can wear a dress happily and some days has to grit their teeth to get through it because they feel like a horrible drag cartoon, which self am I supposed to be true to? The one I feel like today that makes other people uncomfortable, or the one I felt like last week that gets rewards for showing leg and asking permission?

Pretty much sums it up.

No, the answers are FAR from easy. Thank you for putting it better here than I can...and thank you for reminding me I'm not alone. I know I'm not, but, this week especially, it means a lot to have someone else that gets it.

As a PTA mom, I must admit that I spent a great deal of time weighing much smaller-scale variables (will this outfit/keychain/totebag, etc. send up the queer/non-Chrisitan/liberal flag and get me shunned or worse?).

In my situation, after hearing two women at the school talking about beating up another woman they didn't like, I decided to blend in to the best of my ability.
Of course, the way my children might be treated was a huge factor in that decision.

You have so many more variables to consider, and they are much more immediate and vital than mine. My initial reaction, as someone who majored in Cultural Anthropology, is that it is often a good idea to try to make a nod to the culture you are visiting. That said, I have never been where you are, and I'm generally shy and uncertain around anyone I don't know, so my usual impulse is to blend into the woodwork.

I know my response is non-helpful, but I did just want to mention that I think you are awesome for considering all of the cultural, personal, and incidental variables so carefully. It's an indication, IMO, of great courage and awareness - both of yourself and your surroundings.

I'm sorry you have to make such a difficult choice, though. :(

I am sorry my commentary was not better put; I have friends who do not comply with gender standards of dress (mostly male-to-female, as opposed to you who dress as either female or male). When I suggested you dress as what makes you comfortable, I meant it literally: you are in the best position to know your safety vs. your need to express yourself. This is why I also included the suggestions that would allow you feminize your wardrobe at the office, but which could allow you to move to men's dress wear when you got to the Opera--pleasing both yourself and others.

Its freaking dangerous to violate gender norms in America where you speak the language; I can only imagine what its like in a foreign place where you do not. As much as I'd like to say "wear what you want, to hell with the rest," that's simply not an option if you want to remain bodily sound and unmolested. Turns out, people all over the world are threatened by gender non-conformity, and uniformly seem to respond negatively when they feel threatened.

So, again, sorry I wasn't more clear: I want you safe and happy (roughly in that order).

Thank you, this was very helpful in helping me better understand some of the people in my life. I don't have so much of a gender thing (feel like and read as GIRL in whatever I am wearing), though for a while I worked at a job where there were reasons for all employees to de-emphasize sexuality to a point where EVERYTHING started seeming like a costume (desexualized at work, hypersexualized in my free time to balance it out) and I felt like there were no choices I felt comfortable with.

It passed when the situation passed; I never really let myself think about what presentation and identity could be like when the situation never passes.

I think I was (or would have been if I haven't commented - it's Friday, it's been a long week and I can't remember) in the: whatever makes you comfortable camp... thanks for clarifying all the things you take into consideration - but I'd say it still comes down to: what makes you most comfortable when you take all the other factors into account and if there's no such thing... be comfortable with the decision you have enventually make and try not to have regrets

and yes, I totally know that is easier said than done

So little distance makes so much of a difference. For Berlin -- for any major city in Germany -- I'd have known what to say to your previous post. For Zurich, I haven't the foggiest.

Also, this brings up a whole lot of very muddled issues for me. I associate sartorial and presentational courage with wearing a dress (especially with no trousers underneath), not a suit. But then, no one is ever going to assume I'm male, no matter what I wear.

The reason I didn't comment on this post yesterday was pretty much because of what you said here. My first instinct was to say, "Be true to yourself" but given what you've already said about how different the culture is where you were, I wasn't sure that that was appropriate, so I decided not to say anything at all.

Next time, I'll comment, even if I feel that I'm being negative. (I generally don't like to say something unless I feel it's positive.)

For whatever it's worth now, my thoughts still were that you should wear the suit because it obviously meant a lot to you that you do so, but that you might have to accept consequences for wearing it, all of which you've outlined here.

Totally unhelpful now, I know, :(.

Have a great time at the opera, :).

I didn't think there was a simple answer I could post to your question yesterday, so I didn't post.

I actively dislike most of what passes for mainstream affordable fashion in this city; I can't afford to buy the clothes I like the most. And while I'm a cis-gendered woman who feels she has the right to wear what she wants and feel comfortable (which means warm, as my work enviroment tends to be cold) and safe, I have actually been pulled up for *not* dressing in a more feminine and potentially provocative manner. By two of my bosses during a performance review. Boy did that piss me off.

I wish you could wear what you want without fear of repercussions. I hope you can find an outfit that is a compromise you can live with. And I hope you enjoy the opera no matter what.

Hey, I saw that post but didn't really feel I could respond. Now you mention having a neighbor who is a trans woman. Might I suggest you have a chat with her about the social norms of your current, temporary location? She might be able to offer you a very valuable local perspective as a person who has also had to navigate gendered spaces.

I listen to other people talk about how they plan what they are going to wear in the upcoming days and wonder how they do it. The idea of feeling safe is so hard to explain. There is safety in the face of others and safety in the face of yourself; easy enough some days but what about the days when they directly clash?

Those fears don't just come from no where. The way that I think about it is that people's opinion don't matter... in safe places. Otherwise, they really do matter in a world where abuse, verbal and physical, are considered the first and only method to 'keep people in line'. At the same time, there is only so long you can go before you feel like you are going to explode from the inside out.

It isn't mentioned in this post, and as if I really have a right to say anything, but I really think your decision was the correct one: a method of compromise that allowed you to un-compromise when you reached your safe place.

You're in a very stressful situation, so I hope that you are able to come up with more compromises for the rest of your time there. And I hope you find some more safe spaces as well!

I think this entry really nails the hard choices lots of non-mainstream types of people have to make, which is why I think it's really good. It's really applicable to a lot of peoples' situations.

So yeah, I understand what you're talking about, even if I'm not in the same boat.

Yeah, when I was younger, the most important thing was "not to sell out", as in not dressing in a way that exploited females sexually and a bunch of other stuff, and now, it's more convenience and safety, and now I am old enough to know that it ISN'T the clothes that make or break my identity on a true level at all, so I do what I want, and generally it is in a wise awareness of context, and does not reflect on the rightness or wrongness of the context itself: too much of what I did in the past was *in protest of the perceived wrongness of the context*, and sometimes it was helpful, and sometimes not--

Oh, this is so fantastic. Sometimes what I want to wear isn't what I want to wear, you know? It's not that simple. You can feel personally great about wearing something, but that personal happiness doesn't get you very far, emotional/physical-safety-wise, when you're being gender-questioned, loudly, in public.

I know it's probably too late (I'm only checking LJ today after missing it completely for, erm, a while), but I'll echo the suggestion of talking to the T neighbor for advice if you can, and seconding (thirding? fourthing?) the safety aspects. The idea of feminizing the suit with modifiable options sounds like a good mix from here, but I don't know what the environment is like there to know whether that would actually be a feasible suggestion.

(That said, there are American ladies pants suits...though I don't know how often they're seen overseas.)

I hope the event goes/went well.

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on being comfortable and being true to myself

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