real entry later

Note to self:

There is regrettably no clear answer on where the line is between "agressive, self-advocating go-getter and future star!" and "annoying, thinks she's the exception to the rule, wannabe bitch".

More regrettably, knowing this doesn't really answer any of life's little dilemma's.

Hrmmm.

(no subject)

Despite being all sure that I'd have a long post to make earlier, I'm not in the mood now, mainly because I'm tired, but in part because I'm feeling a bit inspired, in a non-focused sort of way (back to that in a moment).

Started shooting the infomercial, and am going through the usual rigamarole of sending out 8 billion headshots and what not. The Wachovia thing went just fine, although it was exhausting and was a definite case of "I know what I've done to deserve this." We had to do improv skits about Wachovia bank and ours included a rendition of "The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Wachovia" -- a moment of genius that I assure you was not my fault.

I'm almost frustrated right now, in the whole acting thing, just here's this wall, with two tiny little gaps in it, and it's my job as an actor to find a way to slip through, and one slips through by being both highly original and a type. Which of course leads to all sorts of dichotomies of intent, but as in all things, the secret skill you need is _not_ being exactly what people want -- that's boring -- boys dump girls over that shit all the time -- but being exactly what someone wants, when they don't know they want it yet. How do you do that? How do choose to be? How do you tantalize without making someone resent you for it? It's all about relationships, and the models I have -- well some of them are kind of sketchy. How do you make your creativity a 24/7 part of your life, when your the canvas? For fuck's sake chameleons don't just get tired too, they get extra tired.

Me, I don't believe in downtime. Which means it's a damn good thing I also write and create in other ways. I don't want to be person eight billion on the planet pedaling a screenplay any more than I want to be just another actor who kinda has a bug about directing -- but you know, those are real impulses, that come from both what I see out there that excites me, and what I need and can't find. Hopefully, in those regards, I'm not a nation of one.

You can't really have it all in life, but that shouldn't stop you from fighting for it all. I need to remember that -- in all battles, both trivial and not. These are strange times for me, in my head, in my ambitions, in my identity. And it's very tempting to change the age I tell people I am, and forget that it's not true. I've never wanted to be interesting just for youth or gender, never wanted to be the wunderkind, not really, until too late I realized what it provides you, if you can grow into something with it. I've been such a slacker and I work so hard now not to be... and it's not hard enough, not yet -- not just because the results aren't what I want yet, but because I literally fritter away time staring at walls, when I should be reading, or writing, or watching things or doing battle with my hair, or taking care of my skin or exercising or doing whatever it is I need to be doing to make myself into a more uniquely and perversely compelling product. And that's what it comes down to. I'm not the girl next door. I'm not your best friend's cousin that charms you. And I'm not even the girl you love to hate. I am a perverselly compelling product. It's in the smirk, it's in the headshot, it's in the way I can and do indict with my eyes when I am sad. You don't know me and I am losing you. Package package package. My dad's in advertising and I believe absolutely in the reality of the comodified world. Extending it to myself, and committing to that is critical.

Committment is a tough thing. Because it's not just about dedication. I have that. I think I demonstrate that pretty thoroughly pretty constantly. But it requires focus. It requires absolute and complete attention on the moment -- whether you're preparing for something or doing something. It's 110% to the small things that make up the big thing. And that's hard for me, although it's something that I'm managing to improve at, through systems and habits that I believe in, even if they're silly to other people. I rocked this last stage managing gig, because I had a pad of paper hanging around my neck, and two pens in my back pocket the entire time, and NOTHING got overlooked for that. Not one damn thing. With my digital organizer that wouldn't have worked, it was the tactile reality of the system, and the inability to hide data out of my line of sight that made it go. Simple is better.

I believe in technology. In all things. It is revolution I cannot believe I am witnessing. I've had the privledge at scoffing at the advent of things that have rather dubiously changed the world (the Web and HTML). That fucking said, it is so often accoutrements without content -- it is the same as eating, sleeping or fucking just because you're bored.

There's no part of me that's ever going to say, "I'm going make an effort to spend less time on the net so I can do other stuff" -- the reality is, that isn't organic, and if I want to be wasting time, I'm going to find a way to waste time, with or without computers. For me the secret is being so compelled by what I possess and what I desire, that I'm doing that. Which explains a lot of my absence from around here lately. Working on my ambitions, doing creative things -- it doesn't reduce my desire for anything else -- food, sex and sleep included -- but it makes them secondary -- it makes them the fuel to sustain this or reward for the effort.

I am my own worst pavlovian nightmare, and I am so hungry, in so many ways. And I think more clearly for it. Passion requires room to be expressed. Which, in this hideously circular post, brings us back to simplicity again.

Only the barest part of this post can be attributed to my having just watched Memento. Other causative agents include wading through the Manfredi books (which I always seem to have to put down for long stretches for all sorts of reasons), having convined myself to go to an actors networking party type thingy tomorrow, and someone I was in a show with getting signed by William Morris Agency (it could have only been more staggering had it been ICM or something. William Fucking Morris!). Yah. I do it for the love. Time to cook dinner.