(no subject)

Only in my incredibly irritating life could I yesterday google for some information, find it, and then return to the site today to double check a detail to find they've put up the new version of their fucking website and the information can now not be found (and I should add can not be found in a way that suggests it is not longer accurate, exactly). Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Not critical right at this moment, but grrrrrrrrrr.

Oh, nevermind, found it... not entirely convinced I wish I had now. Thank you whoever wrote, "we realize auditioning may be an alarming experience." Hahaha... alarming. Not, stressful... alarming. I mean, I concurr entirely, but how really fucking funny.

In other news, I will not let PMS get the better of me. I will not let it make me insecure about my friendships and relationships. I will not let it make me insecure about my current goals. I will not let it further enhance my wonder powers of procrastination. And I will not let it convince me that I am thirty and playing catch up. I am not I am not I am not.

Although that reminds me of something, which is a certain disatisfaction (oh gee, really?) with myself in terms of bending the world to my expectations and stuff. I keep trying to figure out all the rules so I can win at them. Fuck that. It's laziness or timidity or something. I dunno, I dunno if it's the PMS or what, but at the moment it would seem that I'm not happy with myself because I sleep more than five hours a night and am not producing visionary art right this second, which is 8:38 bloody a.m.

This, on its face, is insane. I recognize that. Un/fortunately that is a very real part of how I evaluate myself in part because of a pronounced family expectation (that I think was a joke and I as a humourless child believed) that my wonder would just be discovered. Whenever I say something my parents find clever (or incomprehensible) I get "why aren't you famous yet? why aren't you on TV?" And believe me, I don't do much in this world to try to please them, this included, but the fact is I was raised like so many Americans with the expectation to be extraordinary and perhaps not so much the tools, and sometimes I wonder whether joining the battle at thirty is anything but heartbreak.

questions from tsarina

1. Which is ickier, the pigeon or the rat?

The piegon is far ickier but the rat is always more suprising and hence alarming. (word of the day: alarming).

2. What's your favorite movie right this moment?

Oh crap, you know, I have no idea. I'm in that "I'm not watching anything because it will make me cry" place. Chinatown I guess -- I was so fucking wowed by it, and it's place in film which makes it one of those movies that's even more brilliant than it was meant to be.

3. Name one utterly absurd purchase you know you shouldn't really buy, but want to anyhow.

a leather schoolboy-style briefcase thingy, I guess. Well, and a plane ticket to Somewhere Really Far Away, although I think that only seems absurd to other people, and maybe not even.

4. Do you have a favorite muse voice?

Hrmmm.... in terms of writing? Well one wins on ease and another wins on sweetness. That said, I'm hopelessly intrigued by this woman in this thing I'm writing that I don't know what it is (i.e., book or screenplay -- I'm still mapping out what happens, so I'm not even sure how I'm going to tell people about it yet).

5. What's the best book you've read this year?

God, I hardly read anymore, and that's appalling. Do you know I'm still trying to get through those fucking Manfredi books? Which are interesting and good for me, and good observationally, but sort of bite as writing (although it may be the translation). Right now Coldheart Canyon is rocking my world, which is the sort of thing I feel like I'm supposed to apologize for, but I'm working on getting over that.

(no subject)

For a day that started with PMS and ants, life isn't _too_ shabby.

I am pathetically tired and yet insisting on trying to function anyway -- this after passing out last night at 10pm. Had my photoshoot for the billboard today -- from what the guy said my odds of being chosen are somewhere between 3 in 20 and 3 in 13. So that's good, I guess. Think good thoughts or something (Kat's up for it too... so think good thoughts for us both, if only so people who can't stand us see us looming over them all over the city).

Stage management is going as stage management does -- which is to say, exhausting, exasperating, sometimes very cool and underscoring to me _exactly_ why I should direct. Interestingly the advent of digital video makes doing a theater production even a small, tiny one, costlier than doing a small tiny film. An inevitable, yet interesting, technological event. Anyway, all in all, good people, bizarre theater space (the theater space shares a building with a courthouse so there's a metal detector during the day, and on the in door fire escape is this hude spiral staircase surrounding a caged in, wroung iron elevator shaft from like 1920. Eeerie eerie shit. Like out of Se7en. That sort of alagam of distopian hardboiled cities with 19th-century origins).

Okay, when you update your website, try to remember that putting spaces in PDF file names will make them NOT WORK. Grrrrrr.

Soooo tired. Trying to catch up on email. Trying to convince myself that just because I'm too tired to eat is no reason not to.