(no subject)

I am so fucking tired.

I have an audition today I'm in no condition for and one on Monday that I _must_ turn my attention to immediately.

I have an interview for a PR job on Tuesday. The office has a dog. I am in the process for some other jobs in offices that don't have dogs, but I dunno what it is up with that yet.

Cheaper and cheaper fare notices keep landing in my box for Sydney. Like all things in my life, this started as something silly and foolish and almost crass and turned into something totally different. It's really good for me to have a goal that is something other than "paying rent" or "be famous now". Sydney, regardless of when I get there and how it is, helps that.

The anxiety is gone for a minute, but I can feel it like a warning. No, I won't forget about you.

Soooo tired. Stupid stupid stupid.

pics from Miss Milligan's

http://www.snapfish.com/share/p=44241062699654749/l=17931916

If you are not a snapfish member it requires free registration and I should warn you the site is slow as hell. But really, you always wanted to see me wear a pig nose, right?

a story it's time to tell

In high school, despite going to Stuyvesant (a math and science school of some reknown), I did musical theater. At Hewitt, prior to that, I did the three shows a year the drama club did, and I was serious about it, as much as I was serious about anything.

I wasn't great or anything, and I wasn't a singer, but I was as competant as a kid can be at that age with no training, no clue, and no real ability to apply herself. Which is to say I had a brain in my head and wanted to entertain. And even then, I wanted to be famous. It was a reaction to insecurity and lonliness, and to knowing I was different but not how, and wanting that to be recognized.

Anyway, a girl who was in the chorus of Kiss Me Kate with me had an issue of Backstage one day. I cannot remember her name, only that her hair was long and readish, that she was friendly, and cooler than me, but didn't really take pity on me or anything, I was just odd. Anyway, this girl, found an audition for us to go to. We were both about fifteen.

We went to Times Square together, and I lied to my parents to do it. I'd never been to so tawdry (remember, this is the 80s) neighborhood without an adult, and they'd have killed me if they knew. Also, I wasn't supposed to want to _act_.

The audition was for an agency of some sort. And I can't tell you if it was legitimate or not, just that they had me read sides on camera, that there were a lot of people in the office, and it never seemed untoward nor was there pressure to expend $$, but truthfully, it's a vague memory, and I'm unsure and it doesn't matter.

Anyway, they said they liked me, gave me some info sheet, said to talk to my parents, come in, they wanted to represent me.

I broached it with my parents _very_ carefully, but in that vague disinterested way I often felt I had to to be safe. Wanting too much, and wanting the wrong things, felt really dangerous to me as a kid. Anyway, they were not amused, and I think fairly alarmed for my safety and I kept making crap up about how we had verified the safety of the entire affair, when we had done no such thing.

I got them to calm down, and dropped it.

I don't know what happened to the other girl, that day or after or why this is so secret a memory to me, but I know if I had fought for myself, I would have won that day, just as I won with far nuttier (beauty pageants) and far more acceptable (my summer at Yale) pursuits. And I would have done it the same way I always did, by saying, "this is my big chance!"

Which is neither here nor there, just funny and odd, to realize after fifteen years.

(no subject)

If you read one thing on LJ today, read this:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/keith418/307360.html

(which, granted, may only be so chilling to me because of my relationship both with the song O Superman and with the Hudson Valley).