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Right now, I'm procrastinating, but that's okay. I'll probably stay up all night, until I'm done with the work for the Koreans, then sleep, then go to my coat check gig.
This is the part where I recap the year, and in this case, it was a strange, strange, strange one, where I achieved both a lot more, and a lot less than I had been intending to. Unavoidably, it becomes impersonal, because the moment I start to go down personal roads, to say yes I felt this or that emotion, I feel like I become unclear and inadequate in my telling, and I'm fairly sure that those who need to know do by now.
On the plus side, I only had one tangible goal that didn't happen, and I chose it late anyway -- which was spending tomorrow in Sydney. Of course, I've come up with a financial plan for 2004, designed to relieve personal financial drama, pay back both private loans and ongoing debt, and ultimately, also get me to Sydney for the duration of January 2005. More than anything else I've ever wanted to do, I've somewhat accidentally earned both the faith and support of my friends on this subject, and while I don't pretend to understand it, I am very moved by it. I also don't pretend to understand why I want to go there -- I know where the bug in my head came from, but then it turned into something else, remarkably similar to the time I almost moved to Colorado for no good reason, other than I wanted to be a stranger somewhere, and make it love me. And yes, I was listening to too much Joni Mitchell at the time.
This is the year I became an adult, despite what a lot of people think and say. The fact is most of the shit that irritates me, also bores me, and while I had plenty of moments of poor or inadequate behavior, I also walked away from a lot of crap I could have put myself and others through. I had a constant relationship with the idea that this is the rest of my life, time to do something with it. And while there were numberous times I should have been a mensch and wasn't, when I absolutely had to pull it out and make it happen, I did.
I stage managed or worked crew on some eight productions, was in front of the camera on four films, and appeared on stage in three shows. This is both more and less impressive than it sounds. For someone who was new to EVERYTHING and only got her headshots in April, I think I did good.
I was also on a billboard, and for the first time in my life had the experience of a stranger recognizing me and interacting with me because of such a thing. It was surprisingly neither a big deal, nor anticlimatic. It was just a thing.
I learned how to let myself get hurt again, and felt more deeply about a lot of things -- film, fiction and the people in my life, than I had let myself in a very long time.
I did a lot of things I'd never done before, some cool, some not, some glamorous, some best not discussed. I slacked less than I ever have before, and frightened a lot of people with my strange optimism. I did what I had to. I spent way too much time at the post office. I travelled cross-country by bus. There was more jewelery involved in my year than ever before in my life. I had a lot of really odd jobs. I got by. I cried more than I had in a very long time. I had body image issues for the first time ever. I spent a great deal of time sitting on New York's concrete, mostly in terrible weather. I cooked constantly, slept strangely, and discovered an urge to write about people who are gentle. Granted, I also cooked up a long list of writing ideas that have barely been executed on.
It wasn't an easy year, and it maybe wasn't even a good year. But it was often a fantastical one, full of signs, portents and the blessings of strangers as well as the whisps and whispers of home.
This is the part where I recap the year, and in this case, it was a strange, strange, strange one, where I achieved both a lot more, and a lot less than I had been intending to. Unavoidably, it becomes impersonal, because the moment I start to go down personal roads, to say yes I felt this or that emotion, I feel like I become unclear and inadequate in my telling, and I'm fairly sure that those who need to know do by now.
On the plus side, I only had one tangible goal that didn't happen, and I chose it late anyway -- which was spending tomorrow in Sydney. Of course, I've come up with a financial plan for 2004, designed to relieve personal financial drama, pay back both private loans and ongoing debt, and ultimately, also get me to Sydney for the duration of January 2005. More than anything else I've ever wanted to do, I've somewhat accidentally earned both the faith and support of my friends on this subject, and while I don't pretend to understand it, I am very moved by it. I also don't pretend to understand why I want to go there -- I know where the bug in my head came from, but then it turned into something else, remarkably similar to the time I almost moved to Colorado for no good reason, other than I wanted to be a stranger somewhere, and make it love me. And yes, I was listening to too much Joni Mitchell at the time.
This is the year I became an adult, despite what a lot of people think and say. The fact is most of the shit that irritates me, also bores me, and while I had plenty of moments of poor or inadequate behavior, I also walked away from a lot of crap I could have put myself and others through. I had a constant relationship with the idea that this is the rest of my life, time to do something with it. And while there were numberous times I should have been a mensch and wasn't, when I absolutely had to pull it out and make it happen, I did.
I stage managed or worked crew on some eight productions, was in front of the camera on four films, and appeared on stage in three shows. This is both more and less impressive than it sounds. For someone who was new to EVERYTHING and only got her headshots in April, I think I did good.
I was also on a billboard, and for the first time in my life had the experience of a stranger recognizing me and interacting with me because of such a thing. It was surprisingly neither a big deal, nor anticlimatic. It was just a thing.
I learned how to let myself get hurt again, and felt more deeply about a lot of things -- film, fiction and the people in my life, than I had let myself in a very long time.
I did a lot of things I'd never done before, some cool, some not, some glamorous, some best not discussed. I slacked less than I ever have before, and frightened a lot of people with my strange optimism. I did what I had to. I spent way too much time at the post office. I travelled cross-country by bus. There was more jewelery involved in my year than ever before in my life. I had a lot of really odd jobs. I got by. I cried more than I had in a very long time. I had body image issues for the first time ever. I spent a great deal of time sitting on New York's concrete, mostly in terrible weather. I cooked constantly, slept strangely, and discovered an urge to write about people who are gentle. Granted, I also cooked up a long list of writing ideas that have barely been executed on.
It wasn't an easy year, and it maybe wasn't even a good year. But it was often a fantastical one, full of signs, portents and the blessings of strangers as well as the whisps and whispers of home.
