So I'm thinking I didn't get the Vagina Monolgues, and I'm actually sort of surprised and irrationally shaken up about it -- when I figure out what that's about I'll let you know. But I've got the student film, so that's nice, and there's a casting notice in Backstage (which is terribly bleak for me this week) from another student director I've worked with before. I figure if she wanted me, she'd contact me, but still I'll send her a postcard and that will feel good.
I'm just so up against the wall -- just with everything. There aren't enough hours in the day and I can't do without sleep like I used to -- not in this season certainly. The mundane work I do requires an unbelieveably intense amount of focus and that's a huge contributing factor to my current less than fabulous state of being.
I've been listening to Eminem constantly at work, for reasons really unbeknownst to anyone, although I remain utterly in awe of his marketing genius (he is high in the pantheon of my marketing genius obsessions, which if I were thirteen and made collages would be a very funny thing).
On the plus side, I've visitors in April, cash flow seem imminent, as usual I've outdone myself on Ebay (because I too am a marketing genius), and in general I am doing the things I need to do. I've also found the perfect bra and am managing not to loose weight so much as redistribute weight, which is exactly what I wanted.
On the down side there's my utter frustration with my career/talent/whatever, the ongoing money stress, and this niggling fantasy I've been having about Los Angeles. I've been to L.A. and I am not a fan. But it's warm there, and would at least be a different narrative than here. Luckily, it takes money to up and move and be ass broke somewhere else, so I'm in no danger of doing anything really insane -- well beyond the usual list. There are also nuclear war dreams, the broken stove and my burgeoning West Wing fixation, continuing proof that while often quite ahead on fashion trends I tend to be weirdly behind the ball in the entertainment department -- but then things come as we need them, and this is a department that shows quite obviously in for me.
And while I and others could argue all sorts of things are missing my my life -- I'll tell you it just comes down to whim -- there's never a spur of the moment anything right now -- for time, for money and for the dread dread cold, and that's the problem really. It'll be warm soon. And I'll get to be beautiful again, shopping in Soho and wearing my ugly sunglasses.
Which is another thing -- I miss having the resources to be put together -- prescription sunglasses, coordinating outerwear. Bags and shoes appropriate to a myriad of occassions. It's actually driving me to distraction, as unlikely as that seems.
I had a profoundly accute sensation the other day, while at work. I was perusng an article and pursing my lips, distracted, and there was a very still, grim seriousness to me, that wasn't inward focused at all, and for a moment I understood what a fleeting thing this most likely was with me, but how the circumstances of my experiences would have given me a very calm and weirdly absolute demeanor, if my early responses to the outside world had been different. This of course is wildly unclear, and I'm not even trying to be cryptic, more that it's hard to explain. Shadows of yet another life. Not sure what I think about it, certainly have a keener sense of what absolutely has to be the nature of a character in the thing I keep circling on (notes! maps! planning! I never do that and I don't know if it will prove itself out).
Which brings me full circle I guess, because how can I feel like such a shitty shitty performer if I can only describe things physically? Because the thing is, that above paragraph, I could show you.
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