(no subject)

I had a panick attack on a horse today. I didn't know I was having a panic attack. I knew I was scared out of my tiny little mind, but that's entirely different than a panic attack, which I really only knew I was having once I calmed down, stated I was too insane for some unknown reason to ride safely today, and got off. And my legs couldn't support me. And still barely can two hours later.

It could be any number of things aside from the very minor horse behavior that set it off, including the weather, the Republicans, not eating enough, not sleeping enough etc.

I am not too upset with myself, in that despite losing my senses I exercised them as best I could, and knew I had to and knew when I just wasn't capable of it. I'm booked in again for next week, and I'll be ridim Sham, who although tall, is in retrospect the horse I get the most.

From the beginning and before everyone has said to me, horses are very sensitive, they're very psychic, it's like dogs, but not... very detailed. And I didn't get it until today. I've been so focused on the physical discipline I need on the horse, that I've not well considered the mental discipline, which I what I'll now be pondering all this week.

Certainly, a sort of mental rigidity about my emotions has been utterly lacking in me of late, but I also know easily what parts of my brain to dig around in to get it, and hopefully next week will offer an improvement.

Certainly, one can't only take steps forward in this life, so I am I suppose glad I got this out of the way. But crap, I am still shaky. This hasn't happened to me in years.

(no subject)

The root of what happened earlier was absolutely food. I've eaten, and finally feel steady and today was the first time I didn't have a solid lunch before riding. Lesson learned.

Am watching disc 6 of HH. I have nothing reasonable to say, and will contain my girlish sighs, at least to these pointless sentences. Am I buying this box set next time the Germans deign to pay me? Oh yes, oh yes. Bad, bad swoony me.

Lost in Translation came in today too, so I will finally see that soon (tomorrow seems unlikely for reasons discussed below).

Am still crazed by the brilliance that is Closer. Read it twice. It has the same sort of hateful brilliance as Les Liasons Dangereux while being something else entirely. Certainly, no one in it is very clever. There's something to be said for an examination of the flaws of modern people who think themselves clever in unmodern ways.

My background call isn't until noon tomorrow (I had been told 6am originally) so I am thrilled, and will put in a few hours of ordinary work anyway first.

Have invites to some movie premier some such tomorrow, which I will go to if I manage to get out of said filming in time, which is extremely debateable, but so it goes. Certainly, if that doesn't sort out, Vanity Fair opens tomorrow, and I'm thoroughly crazed about that too.

Weirdly, tsarina found my name in an article about the new mounting of Counsellor (referencing the recent past cast). I suppose one should be grateful for all publicity ("where have I heard that name before?"), but it felt a little strange. On a related note, James' Aussie play series thing starts this week, and I may have comps for that too -- if not, I'll probably endeavor to go anyway.

It occurs to me that my fear of falling off the horse comes not from any real notions about the variable dangers of such a thing, but is entirely rooted in my own lack of confidence about my flesh's ability to endure... well... anything. Like pretty much everything else I've done, it's registering to me that this too requires a bit of faking it along the way. So be it.

Yes, will watch more RNC tonight, just so I can critique speeches and feel like I performed some sort of random civic duty no one really has any interest in anymore.

Also, default icon change, because... dude... I was curled up in a chair being small... yuck. And until I get new pictures this one is at least making me laugh.

Blarghy.