this is about 800 different things

It is a law of the universe that the second you say, "I'm not going to accept x type of behavior from people anymore" or "I'm not going to choose to feel a certain way about statements to the effect of x" that someone will come along and say shit.

I had to put my foot down so often with so many people yesterday, it's absurd -- from homophobic shit in holding to an unpleasant anti-poly (and anti a lot of other things too) moment with a colleague. Fuck you, people. Who people love, how they structure their families and who they like to fuck has nothing to do with success, ambition, intelligence, capability, worth or wisdom. Of course all aspects of our natures can be handled with more or less competence, but really now.

You don't have to understand my life for it to have value (and aie, isn't there the rub, in terms of my issues. Now that I've learnt to put my foot down, I suppose I need to learn I don't need to).

*grumble*.

This is one of those years that's just proving to be all rich with lessons and self-improvement. The last time I remember having to do so much growing up all at once was 2000 (or probably more fairly 1998 - 2000). I guess, politically, while I still call this During, this is what After looks like for me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, 33 is rather wicked, and oddly righteous sort of thing. Yay for self-improvement, but October can't find me soon enough.

Also would someone PLEASE explain to me when heteronormative monogamous bullshit (not that heteronormative monogamy is bullshit, just people being assholes about it) became de rigeur for actors?

Also, today, I hate most of my icons. I realize there's monetary value in my ability to be coy and small, but maybe it's having to wear a dress for a week and be pretty pretty, but lord am I sick of being a nice little thing. Because I was quiet in holding everyone kept asking me if this was my first project. No, if it were my first project, I'd be stupid enough to engage people.

People also kept telling me how pretty my hair looks this length and how I should never ever wear it as short as I've told them I have in the past. My hair is not this length because it's pretty. My hair is this length because it's funny. Also because I'm lazy. Also because, right now, I feel too "pretty" with it shorter. But I was good and just smiled a lot. It is a vanity, just not the one people who aren't in my life think.

Finally, I know it hasn't always seemed like it (because it hasn't always been true), but I make active choices. I'm doing what I'm doing not because it's what's available, but because it's what I want. No matter how much it may feel like it at times, I decided several years ago that life isn't just something that happens to me. Just reaffirming that for anyone who was unclear. My life has the structure it does because I CHOOSE it, and the parts that aren't working for me (which are all professional in nature at present), I'm seriously trying to reorder -- that's a lot of why you've seen me so relatively serene about the latest installment with the Germans. And if I whine and bitch and act as if something is futile (instead of whining and bitching and doing something) feel free to point me right the fuck here. One of the wars right now is against my own hypocrisy.

Yes, I've been holding shit in a for a few days, why do you ask?

Time to read Cyteen again, ne?

this is anubis; this is skippy the wonder dog -- yip yip!

Gotten a lot of shit done this morning and am in a really good mood. Going to visit the Germans now and do some work, then come home and do freelance and fic writing.

It's good to be back.

Also, at some point, which is probably not today, or even this week, I need to revisit that Anubis archteype thing I posted the other day. At the time, I was being all fascinated in terms of HP (which is what the essay was about) and my original fic project. Since then I've been thinking about the archetype and how it relates to women (which technically, it doesn't and that's key to what I'm thinking about), both in terms of myself and my interactions with people and death and, back in the land of fiction, on the mighty strange character of Elphaba in Wicked (I spent a week on a set with Idina Menzel, it was inevitable). I might just be reading the wrong books, but chicks and this archetype there is not very much of, and that creates this emotion and sense of wonder in me I'm not able to express yet.

I also figured out what the deal is with the sister, not narratively, but psychologically, both for me and the chracter in the origfic. And it's also tied into this thing and that I used to wear a Silence=Death t-shirt in sign language to AIDS funding protests when I lived in DC fifteen years ago.

Also, I just ordered a certain jacket.

weird fic rec of the day

via rufus:

Draco and Severus are undertakers. Slash, rated R, but you're reading it mainly because it contains the phrase, "Take me, take me, O mighty, yellow-bellied marmot of temptation," which you'll be relieved to note is NOT uttered in a sexual context. Oddly, the story is quite elegant, all things considered.

http://community.livejournal.com/the_ouroboros/9652.html