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it's not passover without a panic attack
Warning: Family Follies Ahead --
The "turkey" situation has now spread to Passover. This is where my mother buys a chicken and tries to convince us it's a turkey and then have us extoll her skills as a turkey-cooker, because "wow, turkey is never this juicy." This is not a brief conversation, in fact often it is the only conversation, and we can wink-wink nudge-nudge about it all we want, but we can't say the c-word without penalty.
As we were discussing the "turkey" ("No, mom, it's a chicken." "Have you ever seen a chicken this big?" "Yes, every time you get one and call it a turkey.") she knocked a wine glass over. Mother has a very expensive antique glass collection so this is an Issue. The glass did not break (thank heavens for small favours), but dumped nasty Passover wine all over her pants and the table cloth.
At which point Dad yells, "All this bullshit needs to stop!" And as Dad needs a hearing aid, the yelling is louder than maybe it would be if he could hear it.
Yes kids, I ruined Passover because in mentioning that the "turkey" was actually a "chicken," (hi, this story is funnier with too many quotes) I made my mother knock over a wine glass, and thus possibly precipitated the end of life on earth as we know it.
I yelled. Mom yelled. Dad spent the rest of the dinner saying he hadn't done anything wrong other than to yell.
And then I finally found the problem. They forgot to put out a glass for Elijah, and I'm thinking, boy, was he pissed. I mean, if he weren't laughing his incorporeal ass off at us.
The "turkey" situation has now spread to Passover. This is where my mother buys a chicken and tries to convince us it's a turkey and then have us extoll her skills as a turkey-cooker, because "wow, turkey is never this juicy." This is not a brief conversation, in fact often it is the only conversation, and we can wink-wink nudge-nudge about it all we want, but we can't say the c-word without penalty.
As we were discussing the "turkey" ("No, mom, it's a chicken." "Have you ever seen a chicken this big?" "Yes, every time you get one and call it a turkey.") she knocked a wine glass over. Mother has a very expensive antique glass collection so this is an Issue. The glass did not break (thank heavens for small favours), but dumped nasty Passover wine all over her pants and the table cloth.
At which point Dad yells, "All this bullshit needs to stop!" And as Dad needs a hearing aid, the yelling is louder than maybe it would be if he could hear it.
Yes kids, I ruined Passover because in mentioning that the "turkey" was actually a "chicken," (hi, this story is funnier with too many quotes) I made my mother knock over a wine glass, and thus possibly precipitated the end of life on earth as we know it.
I yelled. Mom yelled. Dad spent the rest of the dinner saying he hadn't done anything wrong other than to yell.
And then I finally found the problem. They forgot to put out a glass for Elijah, and I'm thinking, boy, was he pissed. I mean, if he weren't laughing his incorporeal ass off at us.
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David Sedaris ain't got a thing on you. I'm waiting for the book to come out. (Hello! I am the comment queen today.)
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Something about not finding this out til I was an adult and could choose NOT to bring it on combined with a friend's story about getting a migraine on one of the fasting holidays and screaming really hateful things to her mom on the way home from synagogue made me think I narrowly missed some "growing up Jewish and migranously flipping out and/or throwing up every year" bullet, like, as if there was some whole other childhood experience I could have had but didn't.
Your post brings me back to my imaginary forgotten childhod. :)