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[rm]

I am sick of news and magazine articles telling me what I want. Or explaining what women really want as if we were some strange animal on national geographic. I can't even bring myself to read the latest instance in the Times, the headline of which seems to indicate, "Well, all the _really_ smart women are totally going to give up their careers for babies."

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/20/national/20women.html (having skimmed the article, I must say, in all fairness, it isn't that bad, -- as much as any article trying to ascertain if the choices women make make sense can be -- but it does make me crazy that women and their choices must always be examined as if we are "the other" whereas no such public analysis of men really exists outside humour columns).

I think I may be more offended by this than most. Afterall, I went to a school for ten years of my life where I got an astounding education, but knew every single day that it was such only for the sake of finding the best and most extraordinary match possible. I was given absolutely every intellectual challenge possible, so that I could serve men cleverly and then have enough babies to reclaim the feminity so obviously lost by blowing things up in a chemisry lab at age 13. By those standards, everything I do is a waste, and when you look at everything I do, how damnably ridiculous is that?

I am not, for the record, anti-children. I'm actually very fond of them and want them in my life, and very possibly in my home. I've just become self-protective of my body, defensive, strange about claims on me over the years, that I don't think I want to give birth to any (which, I realize I should figure out soon, being 33). I despise them as status symbols though. I despise the way we use them as signifiers for all sorts of attainments. I think it's unfair to so many people on so many subjects and makes parenting to much harder for absolutely everyone.

But is any women ever old enough to avoid being told how to be a good and clever girl? It doesn't seem so, even if we do eventually become old enough to ignore it.

It is worth noting that on the alumni application form for Stuyvesant, they have a blank merely for family, and you write in whatever. On the alumnae applicatoin for my prior school (which I am of course barred from not just symbolically, but in fact, not being a graduate), there is a detailed section for the husband, and then seven blanks to list the names of children. Seven. In New York City. In 2005.

Comments

Telling what to do?

[(Anonymous)]

I think women defining and redifing themselves is still considered new and therefore newsworthy.

I do see articles about men, their careers, new trends and their satisfactin level, too, it's jsut not as big news as what we are doing.

It's a start.

[sethg]

See also the comments at Crooked Timber.

Interesting..

[labellerose.livejournal.com]

Since I've been a stay at home parent for the last few years, I'm of course cheered by the notion that society may be coming back to viewing what I do as more that soap operas and Oprah. (For the record, I'm TV-free and have been for many years.)

I found a salient bit tucked away near the end of the article: nannies. Many of the young women cited come from the economic sector where families employ full time nannies. From what I've observed with my daughter's friends, there seem to be several issues for nanny-raised children that don't surface until adolescence/early adulthood. It's what I call the 'nanny paradox'- if you have a good nanny she feels that she has to earn her keep by providing structured activities. If you have a mediocre nanny, the kids are plopped in front of the TV or video game console for an excessive amount of time. Either way, they don't do the developmental work of structuring their own free time, or learning to take responsibility by carrying out responsibilities at home. This can lead to difficulty with excessive media consumption, and substance abuse-when you don't know how to set your own direction, it's easy to let someone, or something else do it for you. Between this and the 'trophy yupchild' mentality, these young people have a lot of difficulty discerning who they are and what they want. It's different in degree but also in kind than the teen struggles of yore. They missed the developmental 'work' pf childhood and had adolescence thrust on them too soon -so they stay stuck there, often until their mid-twenties. Hello, aimlessness and depression. No, this does not happen to everyone growing up in that circumstance- but I've seen enough of a subset of them to believe that it occurs more often than it should.

Perhaps for these young women, raising their own children is seen as a form of reclaiming control of their lives.

[saltbox.livejournal.com]

I often get offended by these articles, too, but mostly because I *know* I don't want children, and so many of these articles assume that somewhere, deep inside, women do, at least a little bit. Me, I could tolerate them if I had a partner who really really wanted them. But I wouldn't have them on my own, and no matter what, I won't give birth. Just not interested. It's not even a matter of balancing career v. children. Even if I didn't have a career I was terribly interested in (which fortunately, I do), I would still probably feel the same way.

It makes me sad, though, because it means I'm finding more and more of a gap between interacting with those with children or at least want them, and those without. I wish I could relate, but I can't, not really. I like my professional childfree life where I get evaluated on my intellectual product, not my biological product. I don't look down on anyone who makes different personal choices, but I can't help but relate less, somehow.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

But is any women ever old enough to avoid being told how to be a good and clever girl?

Not as long as there is money to be made off of it. Consider the base sources where the instruction comes from. At the heart of it, someone is trying to sell something, or set them up to buy something. A recent television commercial I saw was yet another make up ad, that ended with the spokewoman who admited she was in her 40's saying " All you 20 somethings, look out ". while men turned to fawn over her.

IMHO , in this society none of us are safe from being told how to be, and what products we must pruchase to achieve it. Women being dreicted to have babies and buy 'age defying' products is no different than men being directed to buy hummers and buy products to replace their hair & get ' 6-pack' abs.

There are many of us who are immune. It's similar to the matrix and being awoken. The sooner you do it the better chances of understanding and being able to function outside of captivity.

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

It's hard for me to respond to this article, for a variety of reasons, but I want to thank you for pointing me to it.

I think there is far more emphasis on the career as a lifestyle than is healthy in this modern world.

[asa-dachi.livejournal.com]

but it does make me crazy that women and their choices must always be examined as if we are "the other" whereas no such public analysis of men really exists outside humour columns

I don't debate the points you made or anything like that. But I will point out, with regards to the statement quoted above, that perhaps there's no such public analysis of men because by and large men don't really have a choice? We work, we grow old, we die - earlier than women. That's pretty much it.

We get to choose careers and work-life balance, we get to try to figure out ways to work from home or go into business for ourselves to spend more time with family. But for the most part, men don't really have a choice.

I'm not trying to make it a "woe is me" issue, just pointing out that there's no analysis because there'e not really a choice.

What you do see on occasion is a story about "Mr. Mom's", where the couple has decided that Mom will continue working while Dad takes care of the domestic duties.

-asa