this is about 800 different things
Jun. 14th, 2006 10:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rmIt is a law of the universe that the second you say, "I'm not going to accept x type of behavior from people anymore" or "I'm not going to choose to feel a certain way about statements to the effect of x" that someone will come along and say shit.
I had to put my foot down so often with so many people yesterday, it's absurd -- from homophobic shit in holding to an unpleasant anti-poly (and anti a lot of other things too) moment with a colleague. Fuck you, people. Who people love, how they structure their families and who they like to fuck has nothing to do with success, ambition, intelligence, capability, worth or wisdom. Of course all aspects of our natures can be handled with more or less competence, but really now.
You don't have to understand my life for it to have value (and aie, isn't there the rub, in terms of my issues. Now that I've learnt to put my foot down, I suppose I need to learn I don't need to).
*grumble*.
This is one of those years that's just proving to be all rich with lessons and self-improvement. The last time I remember having to do so much growing up all at once was 2000 (or probably more fairly 1998 - 2000). I guess, politically, while I still call this During, this is what After looks like for me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, 33 is rather wicked, and oddly righteous sort of thing. Yay for self-improvement, but October can't find me soon enough.
Also would someone PLEASE explain to me when heteronormative monogamous bullshit (not that heteronormative monogamy is bullshit, just people being assholes about it) became de rigeur for actors?
Also, today, I hate most of my icons. I realize there's monetary value in my ability to be coy and small, but maybe it's having to wear a dress for a week and be pretty pretty, but lord am I sick of being a nice little thing. Because I was quiet in holding everyone kept asking me if this was my first project. No, if it were my first project, I'd be stupid enough to engage people.
People also kept telling me how pretty my hair looks this length and how I should never ever wear it as short as I've told them I have in the past. My hair is not this length because it's pretty. My hair is this length because it's funny. Also because I'm lazy. Also because, right now, I feel too "pretty" with it shorter. But I was good and just smiled a lot. It is a vanity, just not the one people who aren't in my life think.
Finally, I know it hasn't always seemed like it (because it hasn't always been true), but I make active choices. I'm doing what I'm doing not because it's what's available, but because it's what I want. No matter how much it may feel like it at times, I decided several years ago that life isn't just something that happens to me. Just reaffirming that for anyone who was unclear. My life has the structure it does because I CHOOSE it, and the parts that aren't working for me (which are all professional in nature at present), I'm seriously trying to reorder -- that's a lot of why you've seen me so relatively serene about the latest installment with the Germans. And if I whine and bitch and act as if something is futile (instead of whining and bitching and doing something) feel free to point me right the fuck here. One of the wars right now is against my own hypocrisy.
Yes, I've been holding shit in a for a few days, why do you ask?
Time to read Cyteen again, ne?
I had to put my foot down so often with so many people yesterday, it's absurd -- from homophobic shit in holding to an unpleasant anti-poly (and anti a lot of other things too) moment with a colleague. Fuck you, people. Who people love, how they structure their families and who they like to fuck has nothing to do with success, ambition, intelligence, capability, worth or wisdom. Of course all aspects of our natures can be handled with more or less competence, but really now.
You don't have to understand my life for it to have value (and aie, isn't there the rub, in terms of my issues. Now that I've learnt to put my foot down, I suppose I need to learn I don't need to).
*grumble*.
This is one of those years that's just proving to be all rich with lessons and self-improvement. The last time I remember having to do so much growing up all at once was 2000 (or probably more fairly 1998 - 2000). I guess, politically, while I still call this During, this is what After looks like for me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, 33 is rather wicked, and oddly righteous sort of thing. Yay for self-improvement, but October can't find me soon enough.
Also would someone PLEASE explain to me when heteronormative monogamous bullshit (not that heteronormative monogamy is bullshit, just people being assholes about it) became de rigeur for actors?
Also, today, I hate most of my icons. I realize there's monetary value in my ability to be coy and small, but maybe it's having to wear a dress for a week and be pretty pretty, but lord am I sick of being a nice little thing. Because I was quiet in holding everyone kept asking me if this was my first project. No, if it were my first project, I'd be stupid enough to engage people.
People also kept telling me how pretty my hair looks this length and how I should never ever wear it as short as I've told them I have in the past. My hair is not this length because it's pretty. My hair is this length because it's funny. Also because I'm lazy. Also because, right now, I feel too "pretty" with it shorter. But I was good and just smiled a lot. It is a vanity, just not the one people who aren't in my life think.
Finally, I know it hasn't always seemed like it (because it hasn't always been true), but I make active choices. I'm doing what I'm doing not because it's what's available, but because it's what I want. No matter how much it may feel like it at times, I decided several years ago that life isn't just something that happens to me. Just reaffirming that for anyone who was unclear. My life has the structure it does because I CHOOSE it, and the parts that aren't working for me (which are all professional in nature at present), I'm seriously trying to reorder -- that's a lot of why you've seen me so relatively serene about the latest installment with the Germans. And if I whine and bitch and act as if something is futile (instead of whining and bitching and doing something) feel free to point me right the fuck here. One of the wars right now is against my own hypocrisy.
Yes, I've been holding shit in a for a few days, why do you ask?
Time to read Cyteen again, ne?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-06-14 07:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-14 07:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-14 07:41 pm (UTC)Also, like an abortion is never a party, no matter how pro choice you are. One presumes people are happy about doing the marriage thing when they do it (although heaven knows I've seen some shit).
It's just complex.
It's like my pride shirt this year -- in terms of the tip of the iceberg factor. I want cultural change, not inclusion in a culture I find to be claustrophobic.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 12:39 am (UTC)Perhaps I feel this way because I myself don't want to be married, but it's my story and I'm sticking to it.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 12:41 am (UTC)But wow my use of commas up there was fucked up -- le's try that again "but being not interested in marriage, and poly...."
no subject
Date: 2006-06-16 12:50 am (UTC)From my corner of the sandbox, it's about basic freedoms. While it is quite unlikely that I will ever get married ( gay or otherwise ) I see people who choose to partake in this ritual, and it makes the happy - and it doesn't harm me in the least. Based on that - why try to take it away from them? I guess I look at it from the point of view of ' Does it effect me? ' than ' What's in it for me ? '
Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. There are no gender boundaries in that statement, and I think it's about time that some people recognize that.