(no subject)

[rm]

While waiting for the latest job postings to go up on Craigslist, I've been poking around the Internet and doing some pondering, and while it's about deep stuff, it's not on a real deep level. Which isn't to say it's trivial, just sometimes broad strokes are a lot more effective, and for me, nuance is as much a part of my defenses as sarcasm. Which is, at least partially, what this is about.

Here are some things that I know are true:
I know I want people to like me
I know I want people to support me
I know I see this journal as part of a mechanism to those things, as well as generally representing myself in the world
I know I use this journal to blow off steam, so I can be calm enough to do what I need to.
I know that the sum of these things is messy, and that I spend a lot of mental energy trying to resolve that.

Well, guess what, it can't be resolved. People _are_ messy.

Now, aside from that, I don't know if it's time to stop asking for what I can't handle. Or if it's time to handle better what I'm asking for. Or, if I should ask for things more clearly than I do.

I don't know if it's unreasonable to want support. I know neither if I deserve it for the quality of my endeavors or for the quality of the support I do or do not offer others. Especially in light of the fact that this, and this means, pretty much everything we do while breathing on this planet, isn't really exactly always a merit equation. At all.

Here's what I do know. I undervalue. Both myself, and other people. I presume I'm not worthy, or that I am perceived as not worthy (there's that nuance thing again), or that other people are too narrow minded to see what worth I do have, regardless of how they may feel about any number of aspects of me.

Maybe I just need to stop being so frigging meta about everything, but it's like -- there's this deep impulse in me to hone the legend, instead of just living. Now, granted, I do think I live pretty damn thoroughly, not that it's ever enough, but all this layering on top of it, even if I take pleasure in it, is that useful? is that offensive? Does it matter? I don't know.

What I do know, is that I want a lot of things I can't control, because for whatever reason, that's where my familiarity (if not comfort) zone is. Okay. So on we go.

I'm stressed out about a lot of shit, and my feelings about that stuff can really change in a minute by minute way, but right now, among other things, I want to smile more, and work harder in a lot of ways, including those that are perhaps more pratical than I tend to gravitate towards. I want to be more responsible. I want to dream and do even harder.

As some of you know, the first thing I ever did that I did well was dance, eventhough my body was not always cooperative and I lacked discipline that was ultimately necessary because I coasted on natural ability. It's something I'm ashamed of, eventhough I should ease up on myself about it -- like many things, I was a kid, and didn't know better and do now.

My body is a lot different than when I danced. Not as strong, as not as thin. I look like a fairly healthy genetically lucky 30-year-old woman now. I will probably never be the thinnest person in the room (at least in a showbiz room) again, and I have to confess that it's bothering me a bit, but not because I value that level of thinness, but because I valued that level of superlativeness. It was a simple way to know where I stood.

I don't know where I stand anymore, in any number of ways -- talent, intelligence, looks and drive. What I do know is that there are things I've lost and things I've gained. And things I should probably make peace with, instead of pushing aside because they happened a long time ago.

And things I'm capable of in the wider world that posseses more than ten adjectives and four categories for every woman and every man.

People may not be better than I tend to think, but it's time to start living as if they are.

Comments

Cho

[keith418.livejournal.com]

This made me think of a M. Cho routine in which she says many of the same things about the need for people to think more highly of themselves. Isn’t part of the purpose of art to open us to new possibilities and to reveal the "means of ascent"?

On the other hand, I confess that I think people and their hubris are part of the problem too. Is the world screwed up because people don't believe in themselves enough, or because they believe too much about themselves and are convinced they are entitled to all manner of things that they aren't?

Re: Cho

[rm.livejournal.com]

Entitlement and feeling worthy are two vastly different things.

Re: Cho

[heron61.livejournal.com]

Very true. Sometimes they are opposites in fact. I've seen people who feel terrible about themselves use various externals (which can range from other people to the latest electronic gadget) to help themselves feel better and become quite resentful of anything blocks their attempts to use such externals to (in some pointless and ultimately useless manner) "prove their worth" as human beings. Thus a lack of self-worth produces a sense of entitlement. I see this as a far more common problem that actually having self-worth producing a sense of entitlement.

Jumping topics: you are extremely thin, but you are not scary, unhealthy, borderline anorexic, Callista Flockhart thin. From my point of view this is a very good thing indeed.

Worth

[keith418.livejournal.com]

Should we feel worthy just because we should? Or is our feeling of worth tied to actual achievements and accomplishments? Do we need to meet standards to enjoy a sense of self worth? Or should it be innate? If we have to earn our self worth, what criteria should we use to discover it? If we don't have to struggle to earn it, how worthy is it?

Re: Worth

[rm.livejournal.com]

I think you are defining worthy as receiving reward, and I am defining it as receiving decency and civility, which are things we should all strive to give to others, quite aside from the judgements and choices we must make to be who we want to be and where we want to be it.

Decency and Civility

[keith418.livejournal.com]

Are what we should all expect and offer. Deep feelings of self-worth are, for me, on a different level.

Re: Decency and Civility

[rm.livejournal.com]

Bully for you. The reality is, among my peers and it seems rather strongly to me, my industry, is that many of us don't know even that basic stuff at regular and even frequent intervals.

As they say in Chicago... ain't none of us got enough love in our childhoods... and while I'm being somewhat facetious here, the fact remains, we're a pretty messed up lot.