(no subject)
Oct. 16th, 2003 11:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rmWell the show has opened. I can't even begin to tell you how less than thrilled with my own performance I was tonight, which is perhaps absurd and self-absorbed in any case, but especially when you're ensemble. But really, not happy, although far more over it now than I was before.
Unrelated to tonight:
I've been thinking a lot about leadership, seduction and betrayal lately for a variety of reasons -- including trying to understand my own character and trying to understand some of the worlds that I move in.
I'm not entirely sure how to explicate this without example, but I'm going to try. There are many different ways to lead, and perhaps the most effective is to make people desperately want your recognition and approval, and to do that you must seduce and inspire them in some fashion, creating a peculiar and unhealthy burden for all concerned and it leaves, at the completion of the task, perhaps betrayal as the right thing to do, because people you lead in such a fashion, you need to set free within the same metaphor. It's sort of heartbreaking. And very lonely, for all concerned.
This raises a lot of questions for me, both about my past and my future and the ways in which I'm not just willing to have my heart broken, but based on the rest of my desires, apparently want it broken as well.
Unrelated to tonight:
I've been thinking a lot about leadership, seduction and betrayal lately for a variety of reasons -- including trying to understand my own character and trying to understand some of the worlds that I move in.
I'm not entirely sure how to explicate this without example, but I'm going to try. There are many different ways to lead, and perhaps the most effective is to make people desperately want your recognition and approval, and to do that you must seduce and inspire them in some fashion, creating a peculiar and unhealthy burden for all concerned and it leaves, at the completion of the task, perhaps betrayal as the right thing to do, because people you lead in such a fashion, you need to set free within the same metaphor. It's sort of heartbreaking. And very lonely, for all concerned.
This raises a lot of questions for me, both about my past and my future and the ways in which I'm not just willing to have my heart broken, but based on the rest of my desires, apparently want it broken as well.
