unreal

[rm]

While by and large society is preoccupied with thinking about female bodies, body image and body ideals, we sure do suck at discussing it.

Probably because it's not very catchy to say something like "it's good for your body to be the size it wants to be at its healthiest and good for you to enjoy the flesh you're living in to the utmost." Especially when most of us don't get to be as healthy as we want -- I'm not, and I'm one of the lucky ones.

Plus, it's much, much catchier to say stuff like "real women have curves" or "there's something wrong with you if you're attracted to fat/thin/boyish/thick/curvy/WHATEVER chicks" or to rag on people for being a size 4 or a size 24.

You know what? It all sucks. And I know men don't escape either -- on height and hair and width of shoulders, timbre of voice and god knows what else, but I can only tackle so much at once.

I will be the first to admit that I enjoy privlege by being a skinny chick. I get that. I really do. But being skinny doesn't make me less female and being boyish doesn't make me less deserving of desire and none of it, if I'm lucky, have sense, and work hard, should effect my sense of worth as a person.

This is one of those things that I want to write eloquently about, but know I probably can't without pissing someone off in same way I really don't intend.

I shouldn't have to always follow up any discussion of my size with "but I have celiac disease, it's not like I try to look like this." I also shouldn't have to deal with people, including medical professionals, assuming I have eating disorders because that's somehow easier than actually speaking to me.

I look the way I look. I happen to like it. It's probably a product of my celiac disease, other medical stuff and the fact that I danced 8-hours a day during large chunks of my childhood and work out like a maniac now because fencing owns me. I hope that I enjoy myself enough in general that I'd like the way I looked even if I were an entirely different size. I don't know. Given our society, I can't imagine I'd get away angst free. Hell, I barely, barely get away angst free now. After all, I'm making this post.

Because I believe in the fictional life, the self-created life, the multiple life, I'm not sure I know what a real anyone is. I'm certainly not going to sit here and say what a real woman or man or person is. I'm happily a bit fictional, but it isn't because I wear a size four.

We should be able to talk about our bodies without judging each other. We should be able to talk about what we desire without judging each other (who here has heard or intuited some version of "I want you so bad, but my friends wouldn't understand?" or been told that they can "do better" because the person they loved and thought was sexy beyond all sexy wasn't mainstream hot?).

I'm very happy in my very strangely fluid life. And if you don't think I'm a real woman, that's all well and good. But it's not because of my goddamn size.

Comments

[kalyx.livejournal.com]

I hate assumptions due to size. I too sometimes have an eating disorder, because I am slim and probably mostly because I am slim and queer. If I truly loved myself, I'd be bigger or f I was a feminist, I'd stop conforming to mysogynistic beauty standards. But I love my body. I use it a lot for a lot of things. I dance, I rock climb (only plastic rocks tho ;) ), I lift weights, and I walk to work each day. I also work in a laboratory that doesn't permit food or drink and I work long hours, meaning sometimes I miss meals on days I am too busy to leave the lab to eat. So I tend to be a size 6 without trying and a size 4 when I get really caught up in physical activities. But I am lucky because I never get the eating disorder accusation from my doctors. Instead, I get pity because I have a scary chronic disease (MS) despite my living symptom free 90% of the time. (I don't know why celiac doesn't get this treatment too)

I have to admit that I too am guilty of jumping to conclusions about people based only on their size. My mother is obese and I hold this againt her. There is also a woman that works out at the gym I go to that I assume is anorexic and I wonder why the gym doesn't do something to stop her or try to help her. But I have no evidence that she has an eating disorder. All I know is that she is in the cardio room early in the mornings and is so thin that I can see her skull. She is also losing her hair and looks very sick. But I have never spoken to her (that would be just rude, right?) and I have no way of knowing whether her looks are due to a serious medical problem. Maybe the exercise could help her heal? I have serious medical problems and exercise helps mine.

And if I knew you in person, I might end up being one of those annoying people trying to feed you sandwiches! although only gluten-free ones. ;)