On matters of passing

[rm]

I've never been to Wiscon, because it never, ever fits into my schedule. But I go to cons, and, because of the HP fandom, I go to cons that are almost exclusively women. Women who are, among other things, sometimes fat and queer and living with a disability.

Here's the thing, and it's not a thing I've ever been comfortable with: I pass. I have a profound amount of privilege for what I am. I'm thin, my disability is invisible, my appearance is white, and it is very very easy for me not to appear queer or genderqueer, whether I mean this to be the case or not.

It is strange to be both lucky and ashamed of that luck. It is strange to be a chameleon who never got a choice in the matter of all her choice. Looking at me there's so little about me that you would necessarily know. Even my age. I'll probably be able to pass for a socially acceptable 25 for a long time yet.

The thing is, I've never meant to keep these secrets or dodge bullets like the great Something Awful debacle of this year's Wiscon. But what happens to me in person and what happens to me online are often two different things.

Because here I talk about what you can't see, and that makes it not just true for you as well as me, but it also paints a bullseye. For those of you newer to the friendlist, one of the reason so many people are banned from this journal is related to an Internet drama from a couple of years ago, which brought all sorts of creeps to this journal "accusing" me of transexuality.

I have a lot of trans and intersexed friends and even if I didn't, for me to answer judgmental questions about my own biological gender implies that the act of judgment is somehow acceptable and that other people have a right to demand to know what's in my or anyone else's pants. Wrong. I refused to answer, and things that were already unpleasant in the threads got worse. And I took out my big bad ban stick.

Yeah, you can throw rocks in my virtual living room, but I can also throw you out the door. Deal with it.

I am sick to fucking death of dyke or lesbian or man being a way to call women ugly. I am sick to death of bitch and girl and pussy to call down the spectre of cowardice on men. And I am sick unto fucking death of transfolk being treated as if they are somehow unreal, temporary of spirit or the last of the circus sideshow.

Our world is filled with the tyrranies of the flesh. And the discussion of that extends well into the online sphere. Because of what I do and who I am, I deal with this day in and day out. In France, an agent told me, I would actually be beautiful. Lose five pounds. Get stronger. Practice more. A man would be taller. Laughter and a remark on the size of my shoulders. Sir at the bank because I refuse to lower my eyes when I make a request.

My flesh was made for our little binary world more than most people's. But I wasn't. And I try not to hide behind what I have. But sometimes it is so unavoidable that all I can do is be a supporter in what is actually, also my own battle. Because it doesn't show. Because I could have more secrets than I do.

This is one of the more moving responses to what happened at Wiscon. I practically stood up and cheered at the office.

Call me a man. Call me a woman. I don't care. But you damn well better make it a compliment or at least mere observation. Because otherwise, you're wasting your breath. I'm not going to be anything other than what I am no matter what you say. And I'm not going to be quiet. And no matter who you target or why, I am not going to relax into this life of passing.

It needs to be said. And it needs to be said not just because of Wiscon or my fannish life or the vitriol of the LJ Advisory Board election, but because you have more freedom than you think you do. Every single one of you.

Of us.

Don't let anyone EVER tell you otherwise.

Even yourself.

Comments

Rivers To Cross

[keith418.livejournal.com]

Plenty of people move away from crappy communities where they suffer from overt oppression to less oppressive places. I left the East Coast and once I spent just a little time in California, I became determined to never return. When I go back to visit - my trips back are infrequent - I marvel at how little has changed. But, yes, while the West Coast is far from perfect, my city is a lot more friendly and supportive to gay people and their families than what I used to see in New York. Therefore, I have to wonder what people suffering in less supportive areas would make of life in a more supportive area - were they to choose to leave.

But gaining some distance on this has made me think about why people behave this way and why each group tends to claim the "victim" status - the people opposing gay marriage play themselves as victims too, don't they? What is it about our culture - in general - that awards points to the group who can most successfully mount the "I'm the biggest victim" campaign. When both competing groups use the banner of victimhood, then it behooves us to question why this is still such a sought-after designation, doesn't it?

A gay New Yorker friend of mine noted:

"rm seems more like a lesbian in Austin than she does one in NYC - where lesbians I know have kids, own condos, and even have roles in the city council. I mean, the probable next mayor of NYC is a lesbian. She is married. She owns a place in the Village. Doesn't this all sound like the 1980s? At least in NYC?"

Re: Rivers To Cross

[rm.livejournal.com]

Okay, I have completely lost my patience here.

My post was not about Oppression I Have Experienced. It was about the nature of identity and the importance of speaking up when you see people behaving poorly, even if one has the luxury of avoiding that inconvenience.

Your insistence on misreading my post either to swerve the conversation to address a tangential issue of greater interest to you or to cast me in a role that you find more comfortable or useful offends me.

You and I both have privilege, largely, but not entirely of different sorts. We are both elitists in many senses and proud of it. We are both unapologetic in those regards. And those are all reasons you've remained on my friendslist so long.

But here you are using your privilege to attempt to establish a hierarchy with me me for no reason I can ascertain. As intellectual discourse the discussion is lacking because the entire thread depends on a series of misreadings by you that have been repeatedly pointed out.

Your remarks here have been courteous, as others pointed out, but they still reek of the privilege you are incapable of fathoming not everyone has the luxury to share.

I am not put upon, weak or victimized, despite your attempts to argue for that very notion here and elsewhere. Nor do I feel a burden to speak up for those I consider part of my tribe. It's a pleasure. Just as it is for you a pleasure to play Devil's Advocate.

Your seeming inability, here and in past threads on issues both similar and not, to accept that not everyone is wired like you is a real weakness in your not inconsiderable rhetorical abilities.

I'm not interested in your paternalism on this subject anymore than I've been interested in it as regards your perceptions of the role of pop culture in my life.

You do not know my Will better than I know it myself. So stop acting like you do.

Whoa...

[keith418.livejournal.com]

I think sexism and homophobia are bad. I also think the people behaving this way are stupid. If we both agree on that, then don't we want to look at why these problems persist in being problems?

If you're "sick to death" of being yelled at in the street, then aren't curious as to the make-up, character, background, etc. of the people thinking this kind of thing is okay? What makes them different from the people who DON'T think it's okay? I'm appalled by that crap too. It's why I like the West Coast better where, I think, this stuff happens less (it still happens). The mayor in SF is psyched to begin marrying gay people again. Doesn't that indicate a better climate? But as appalled as I am, I have to wonder about the people who aren't appalled, or who are still pulling this kind of crap.

Re: Whoa...

[ladyjax.livejournal.com]

If you're "sick to death" of being yelled at in the street, then aren't curious as to the make-up, character, background, etc. of the people thinking this kind of thing is okay? What makes them different from the people who DON'T think it's okay?

As someone who have lived in the Bay Area for the past 19 years (and in Oakland, specifically since 1990), I can tell you how much crap I get walking down the street and having people calling me out for whatever reason, especially when it comes down to how they don't think I look like women are supposed to look.

Does it make me angry? Yes, but more than that, it gets tiring. That kind of asshattery intrudes upon my day which I don't take kindly to. Why should I waste my time figuring out what makes folks like that tick? And I used to. Used to try and figure out just what it was that made someone be up in a stranger's face with their opinion about who they thought they were. Not any more.

As far as the West Coast being the bastion of tolerance and understanding? Um, not so much. I grew up back east (New Jersey) and I found people there to be a lot more honest and forthright in their opinions. I'd rather than than the much vaunted (but frequently vapid) nods to tolerance that you get in the Bay Area.

...

[keith418.livejournal.com]

I think this is like complaining about the symptoms rather than being invested in looking at what's behind them - like the disease.

Re: ...

[ladyjax.livejournal.com]

Here's the thing:

If you want to educate or find out what's going on with people like that, go right ahead. In fact, if you consider yourself an ally of those who've been in the crosshairs, that's what you're supposed to do.

Asking those of us who've been targets (notice I'm not saying victims) of the asshattery to be the ones to plumb the psyches of those who've been up in our faces? That's pretty much asking people to stick their heads back in the lion's mouth, and for what? I'm not entirely sure why you're waiting around for the kumbiyah moment.

Why you see people laying out what happens to them as a complaint, I have no idea. If anything, it's an accounting, a reminder that crap like this does not happen in a vacuum to one person.

?

[keith418.livejournal.com]

This seems to me like what people say when they are intent on not asking themselves difficult questions. If we resent, say, Christian fundamentalists and bigots for "demonizing the other" then aren't we beholden to NOT do the same thing? If we ask our opponents to start to question their own narratives and values, then aren't we behold to question our own narratives and our own values?

Re: ?

[ladyjax.livejournal.com]

I'm trying very hard to not knock my head on the desk as I write this answer because I'm wondering if you actually get what I'm trying to tell you.

I think what's not gelling for you is that I've already thought about what might be going on with someone. The questioning, the difficult questions - been there, have cataloged the responses. I've just reached the point where, when it comes to my appearance, that person is not worth my time and energy to engage.

(FWIW, people who identify as fundamentalist Christians are approachable when you know the language and have some idea of where they're coming from on matters of scripture and interpretation. On some levels, it's easier for me to engage them than some parts of the religious left - of which I am a part)

...

[keith418.livejournal.com]

If I were just to echo the condemnation of this kind of sexist and homophobic behavior, no one would have a problem with that. But is that really enough and, after issuing the appropriate condemnations, aren't there more uncomfortable and probing questions we need to ask ourselves? What might those unhappy making questions be? If you don't want to ask them, that's fine. But to me, political maturity arrives when we are more interested in investigating the contradictions on our own side than we are in critiquing the contradictions evident among our opponents.

Re: ...

[ladyjax.livejournal.com]

But is that really enough and, after issuing the appropriate condemnations, aren't there more uncomfortable and probing questions we need to ask ourselves? What might those unhappy making questions be?

Let's see, unhappy making question - "why am I still talking to this person who obviously doesn't really care and is only in it to hear themselves talk?"

Because y'know, that's how I'm starting to feel here.

When racist stuff happens to me I'm not going to stand there and wonder if my assailant got mugged by a random Black person thus resulting in how they feel about Black people in general. Because if I'm smart, I'm a) getting my self in a position to defend myself or b) making sure I have a way to walk away from the situation. That's simply self-preservation.

If you don't want to ask them, that's fine. But to me, political maturity arrives when we are more interested in investigating the contradictions on our own side than we are in critiquing the contradictions evident among our opponents.

And what makes you think I or anyone else hasn't done this? Really? Because of what you've read online? By the admittedly short conversation we've had here? When you've been marked as not being somehow right or normal, all that soul searching happens. It's when you put your foot down and tell those other people "no, I refuse to accept how you've marked me" that the problems really start.

Skip talking about political maturity. This is not about politics as much as it is living civilly with one another. I don't have to accept willfully stupid or rude people. I don't wish them ill. At the same time, I'm not going to stand there and try and figure them out when I have much better things to occupy my time. Such as working with people who, though we may disagree on a whole host of issues, fundamentally respect me as a person whole as I do them.

Writing People Off

[keith418.livejournal.com]

It's easy to write off the people who we may disagree with (the people who see homosexuality as a pathology, for example), as stupid. It's about as hard for them as writing us off as being "immoral" or "elitist" isn't it?

Re: Writing People Off

[ladyjax.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

Yep, I've written people off for some very specific reasons (such as my now junkie ex) so I can keep my blood pressure down and moving through the world.

If,in your eyes, that makes me an elitist, then so be it. Me trying to explain where I'm coming from seems to not be having an effect. Having gone back and read your answers to others up thread, I realize we're not really having a productive conversation so I'll just bow out right here.

Re: Rivers To Cross

[idunn.livejournal.com]

Thank you for articulating so well what I couldn't.

Hey now!

[lilchiva.livejournal.com]

I take exception to that. Lesbians in Austin and Dallas have kids, own condos, and even have roles in the city council too.