Torchwood, The New York Times, and me

[rm]

Okay, here's the proper post about the fact that The New York Times published my letter to them about their recent article on Russel T Davies.

I've always been queer and I've always had poor impulse control, so in a lot of ways, I never had the coming out experience. Sure, I didn't tell my parents I queer for ages, but everyone else knew, and the thing with my parents is only beause it was complicated: we're all nuts and back in my freshman year of college my mother said randomly while cooking dinner one night "It's all right if you're a lesbian, just don't be bisexual. Then you're just a slut."

While I've been what could probably be termed a slut back in my wild and wicked youth, I'd like to state for the record I've never been just a slut. I've never been just anything. Which is amazing and exhausting and isolating and funny and full of wonder, even if I'm the person who always gets "how did you know?" or "what's it like?" or "what does it all mean?" when someone gets drunk at a party.

You have two arms. How does that feel? When did you notice? I don't find the questions rude -- they're just bigger than the people asking them realize they are a lot of the time. And then there's the people that hesitantly ask if I've had a bad experience with a man. Sure. And with women. It's called getting your heart broken. It happens. This life of mine isn't a reaction to suffering. Sure ther's an endurance in the face of adversity thing going on, but that's a seperate issue.

There's this great moment towards the beginning of Velvet Goldmine when Christian Bale's character sees bisexual rock god Brian Slade on TV while watching with his parents. He fantasizes about jumping up and shouting, "That's me, mum, that's me!" And I thought of it, accent and all, when I wound up watching Torchwood at my parents house and had to fill my mom in on the whole Jack/John/Ianto dramafest. She actually took it pretty well, because she said it was like her soap operas. Go mom.

I've spent years in fandom cosplaying Severus Snape. It's one of those things I can practically phone in, what with my hair and being spindly and thinking most people are morons and always, always carrying the physical recollection of what it was to be the ugly and dirty child. And as batshit as fandom can be and as eccentric as my own experience of it often was, I never felt ashamed. This was a reflection of myself that was easy to translate. My worst nature, my most common fears, fabulous in our weird little alternate universe. People liked me because I had once been filth. It was a very curious thing.

Being in Torchwood fandom is incredibly different; I mean, for fuck's sake, I identify with Jack! And I feel unsettled and ridiculous identifying with someone so conventionally good looking. Like I don't have the right somehow, eventhough he's no saint of a character. Hell, Jack isn't even very functional when it comes to doing life. I mean, he has his excuses. Don't we all? even if ours are more mundane, but still at the end of the day, he's a prick and he's broken and he wears ridiculous clothes and he's lonely and he's scared and he's having a great time anyway. Even if nobody else gets the joke.

And that's so me. I take everything dead seriously but I'm also laughing at myself all the time and people miss it and think I'm a total asshole most of the time because I've got swagger and big hand gestures and sometimes a mouth that won't stop running. And maybe I am an asshole. But I try. I want to do right by people even if a lot of the responsibilities I thrust on myself are bullshit and unncessary. I've got honor and violence and gender bullshit all wrapped up in me, and I watch this fucking cracktastic show and I can't help but see myself and my friends in it, not just because we're queer, not just because our personal histories are complicated and interwoven in ways that were and are often ill-advised, but because dammit we're going to have a grand time with who we are, even if life is kinda often shit.

Believe me, I know Torchwood is inconsistent and often trashy. And for those who aren't members of the choir it will probably only reinforce lots of negative assumptions about bisexuals and their/our (I really am funny about that label) capacity to have functional relationships. But on the other hand it helps my mom get that Patty's hung the moon and the stars as far as I'm concerned not becuse of any supposed bleak history, but because she's just great. And if I'm really lucky, it helps some of the people who tend to miseread me understand why I don't really give a damn if no one else gets the joke, because I'm having a grand time anyway. And they should too!

I write serious letters to the New York Times all the time. But that the one they finally decided to publish was about Torchwood? That's the sweetest shit in the world to me. Torchwood doesn't tell me anything I don't already know about myself, at least not yet. But what it tells everybody else? That's ace.

Comments

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

"It's all right if you're a lesbian, just don't be bisexual. Then you're just a slut."
Oh, dear.

Things only a family member would say to you entry 4,912...

[rm.livejournal.com]

Tip of the iceberg!

4,912,62...

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

My database, let me show you it.

[nysidra.livejournal.com]

"You are not a bisexual; you're just a freak like your mother."
- My grandmother

[marzipan-pig.livejournal.com]

OK, this is a totally dweeby thing for me to say (especially b/c people I know in real life read your journal and the comments), but how sweet you are about Patty has been a bit of an inspiration to me in my own relationships with women.

[rm.livejournal.com]

There's nothing I can say to this that isn't hokey. She makes me step up. And she makes it easy for me to step up. And that's just fucking lovely. And I'm sure she'd be all "but what am I even doing that makes that so?" and you know what, I don't even know, I just want it to keep on keeping on.

And maybe I am an asshole.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

As some Canadian pro-fic writer said (I'm thinking Spider Robinson, but it's late, and I'm still in shock over George Carlin of all people being mortal)we are all assholes. But the absolute damned assholes are the ones who are convinced that there are some people somewhere who somehow are are not assholes, and who passionately intend to be mistaken for one of them.

You are my kind of asshole, cobber , and I'll stand on that.

While sorting things into files,Stardragon was astonished at what he had written.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

Did I actually say cobber? Yes I did!
(Why grandfather was from Perth, however did you know?)
*blushes, then melts into puddle of embarrassed colloquial goo*

[hiddenshallows.livejournal.com]

Thanks for writing this, it really spoke to me. Would it be ok to link to this post in my journal? In a favourable way, naturally ;)

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And yeah, feel-free. I had wanted to work in all my "Jack flirts like a girl" thing in this, but couldn't quite, so gender and Torchwood is going to have to be another day.

[morebliss.livejournal.com]

I really wish I had more of a brain at the moment to say something a bit more profound than just: "You go, girl!". But I mean it most sincerely! I grew up with a bi Mum who still couldn't quite get it when I started sleeping with women. Parents, eh?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Mine are artists and they're concerned what people will think! All the people they know are gay!

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

"...because dammit we're going to have a grand time with who we are, even if life is kinda often shit."

Yes, o very much yes.

[graene.livejournal.com]

I can't manage to watch the only show I Tivo weekly for me these days, but I've now added Torchwood to the Netflix queue. My mom is always asking how you are doing, but I'm just not sure about forwarding her the NYT link.

[rm.livejournal.com]

*snort*

drive by from <lj comm=doctorwho>

[therealycats.livejournal.com]

Being as I'm at work right now, I can't begin to write an appropriate comment, but do you mind if I friend you?

Re: drive by from &lt;lj comm=doctorwho&gt;

[rm.livejournal.com]

Go right ahead and welcome!

Wandering in from the torch_wood comm

[1-mad-squirrel.livejournal.com]

"It's all right if you're a lesbian, just don't be bisexual. Then you're just a slut."

ROFL! What if you're bisexual, but you don't sleep with anybody?

Theoretical slut?

This post made my brain jump up and down going "Yes!"

So cool that they printed your letter. Did they print it in its entirety?

Re: Wandering in from the torch_wood comm

[rm.livejournal.com]

Yup. Although I originally said "fewer aliens" as opposed to "without the aliens" -- apparently they didn't think that part was funny. At least I look less crazy now.

As to my mother's remark? I was a virgin when she said it!

[coriander.livejournal.com]

Brilliant!

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

Another wandering in

[alba17.livejournal.com]

Wandered here from your Twilight Streets question. (I read awhile ago, can't remember much of it, so didn't comment there.) I saw your letter in the NYTimes - didn't know you were on lj! One of the first things I did when I got the paper that day was look to see if they printed any letter about the RTD article the week before, and there you were. I was so thrilled they had that article (plus the pix). One of the things I love about TW is the lack of labeling. I'd really prefer no labels. I don't really label myself, but if I had to, I'd say bisexual, although the world would probably say lesbian, since I've been in a relationship with a woman for a million years. You're right about the straight world not understanding "queer", but it makes more sense than anything else, really. I attribute my Torchwood obsession completely to its queer content. Congrats on your letter getting published - they never published any of mine.

Re: Another wandering in

[rm.livejournal.com]

I used to be very attached to the labels myself, but that's because I'm of an age where it felt really necessary, at least as a way of reclaiming identity from women who were kissing other women solely to acquire men. But increasingly I find them to be marginalizing because of the assumptions that go on with them: like why are gay men cool and lesbians are never funny? I mean really, fuck that shit.

[marchek.livejournal.com]

I've been meaning comment on this all day but I can't really come up with anything better than you are awesome and I'm glad I know you.

I really wish they kept the "fewer aliens" line in, it's hilarious.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

Ditto.