inner, and somewhat disturbing, workings of my brain

[rm]

So I'm in the shower shaving my legs because I have that modeling call tomorrow. I'm feeling irritable, at the thought of having to be in Brooklyn at 6 all glammed up when I know I'm just going to lock myself in the bathroom when it's over, scrub the hell out of my face and change into the men's clothes (the clothes, specifically from the Player's Club adventure, because I _need_ a Jen Zak photo of myself lookling like that). I'm whiney. I don't want to wear a dress, blah blah blah.

But I can't bag the audition, because the gig would be fun and high profile and the free tickets to the DoV festival would save a lot of money for Patty and I, an idea particularly pressing in light of the ongoing Germanic nightmare.

And then it occurs to me. It being the sign I am exhausted and should go to bed immediately. If Jack had to wear a dress to do for him and his, he'd do it and think it was hilarious. Considering I am actually, in fact, female, I need to shut my mouth, wear the dress, work the lipstick and get that damn gig tomorrow. And then yes, change my clothes with glee and haste.

I know, I know -- still owe a fencing post, but I have a headache. Tomorrow.

Comments

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

I'm confused. Are you trans, or just gender different?

Sorry if that's a stupid an/or a personal question. I was just wondering.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Just gender queer. I just go through phases where I hate dressing like a girl, especially at social events with strangers without my partner because I loathe being treated as if I'm delicate or useful.

Wow. ISSUES.

Also a lot of it is being a performer -- being conventionally female is my job a lot of times, so I tend to avoid on my off hours.

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

Nah, it's okay, I get where you're coming from. I don't think it's a problem, you being gender queer. It just is.

I'm going through some weird gender issues myself at the moment, things that I can't really articulate. It frustrates me because normally I'm the type of person who has to analyze and define everything to death, but this thing is flummoxing me. I suspect I haven't done enough reading on the subject.

[rm.livejournal.com]

For me my articulation of the gender stuff changes all the time, the only thing I'm always sure of is that it's in this weird middle place. And that also there are a lot of times when if I did consciously articulate my gender feelings people would be like WHUT? But I've been working through this for over 20 years now, so a lot of the time, I know what I am regardless of what anyone else would think and it's simple. The fact that my friends are very respectful about it (and very funny about it) and that my partner tells me that I'm both her beautiful girla nd her beautiful boy certainly makes it easier. That said, always shifting.

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

It's good you've got people around you who will accept you for who you are.

I'm just starting to think about this stuff for myself in a serious way, though it's been bubbling under the surface for years now. So I really have nothing remotely intelligent to say on it for myself right now. Alas.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Well feel free to whenever you feel like it, cause I sort of love talking about this stuff. Unlike a lot of my friends who are gender queer in a more androgynous way, I really connect to the dichotomy of gender roles (I supose it's all that MIss Hewitt's) just in a way that's outside of the boxes.

delicate or useful

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

? *delicate or useless

Or I completely mistook your meaning.

Re: delicate or useful

[rm.livejournal.com]

No. Useful. I dislike the assumption that I should help clean up other people's messes or facilitate their success. I've my own worlds to conquer, thank you.

Re: delicate or useful

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

"Here,hang this up somewhere." Gotcha.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

Every one has issues. That's Problem Zero. The people who don't know they have issues are Problem One. The people who think they don't have issues just completely fuck me up.