the other thing that is going on

[rm]

My mother called me crying earlier about my father's health. She took him to the ER the other day because he was in agonizing pain and couldn't walk. They found nothing wrong, then he felt better, now he has huge pain again mainly in his thigh but radiating to the knee and up to the hip. They say it's not sciatica. The back pain, which the doctors said was they think him passing a kidney stone is now gone, but he's bedridden and my mother is in tears and screaming at me because I don't have a diagnosis or a solution.

I'm frustrated and stressed, feel annoyed that the fact that I work and have responsibilities too isn't acknowledged, and then I'm a callous bitch when I try to get anyone to calm down, give me information and look at our options. Also, My father is 75 and has been in poor health for a long time -- at this point everything doesn't get to be an emergency. Also, doctors are not gods, and my mother needs to be more aggressive with them -- especially if her mode of operation is going to continue to be her withholding information from me, then resenting me, then giving me information and then yelling at me when I don't know how to act on it instantly.

Of course, there are other dramas here. As a daughter I am supposed to be a caretaker, but I'm not. My mother complains she's not strong enough to lift my father to help him with basic tasks. Well my dad weighs 200lbs, so neither am I. Also, one of the longest incidents of my parents berating me as a child came when I accidentally walked into my parents bedroom when my father was changing clothes. I'm sorry, I know as parents get older we deal with these things and depersonalize them, but no. I'm not signing up for their issues or my father's fear and resentment of me for being female.

I am rambling and am calmer about all this than I seem.

I do wish someone would tell me why the fuck I have two different birthdays before my parents die though.

Comments

[redstapler.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

[hmrpotter.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It's hard trying to be a grown-up when parents simultaneously want you to be a grown-up and a child.

I hope things work out for you and them, I know this can't be easy for you to deal with, whether you are able to help or not.

[thaddeusfavour.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: I commend you on your fortitude. So many children forget that they have the right to be people independent of the family.

[holyschist.livejournal.com]

My mother complains she's not strong enough to lift my father to help him with basic tasks. Well my dad weighs 200lbs, so neither am I.

Seriously! Lifting my dad was hard on the foster care guy--the hospice has proved a Hoyer lift, which has helped a lot--it's unreasonable to expect to be able to handle this kind of thing on muscle power alone. But yeah--the caretaker expectation is brutal. I sympathize.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Hey- for some reason I can't get gmail to work anymore. Just wanted to say kisses and hugs, before I go off for the next flight, and that you are my dearest baby.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I figured it was technical difficulties. Kisses and hugs to you my dearest, darlingest baby.

[spiralflames.livejournal.com]

i think the aging parents/adult children situation is turning into the greatest crisis of our era.

[ithinkitisayit.livejournal.com]

I second this, and I think it's because the baby boomers are all becoming elderly, and there wasn't a second big baby boom. At least, not one big enough to take care of the original baby boomers.

I'm really sorry about your situation, RM. I wish there was something I could do to help. If it makes you feel better, you're a far better daughter than I am. I wouldn't be so calm about this, I'd rant right to my mother's face and scream at her if she treated me the way your mother treats you.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

***hugs***

Family drama is the worst drama. I hope things work out OK. Maybe you can help her find a professional to do things like lifting.

[marzipan-pig.livejournal.com]

God. I am so glad I live fairly far away from my (similarly) difficult aging parents. Good luck with keeping some kind of distance while providing some kind of support that you can feel OK about.

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

Also, one of the longest incidents of my parents berating me as a child came when I accidentally walked into my parents bedroom when my father was changing clothes. I'm sorry, I know as parents get older we deal with these things and depersonalize them, but no. I'm not signing up for their issues or my father's fear and resentment of me for being female.

That reminds me of two things. 1) My dad used to get pissy with me whenever I saw him in his boxers. Thing is, I only ever saw him in his boxers when he chose to walk around the house in them. He usually did it after I was supposed to be asleep, but still. 2) My dad used to occasionally ask me to get something out of his back pocket when his hands were full, and it always squicked me out.

Good luck dealing with the family drama. That stuff is never, ever easy.

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

It sounds like a no-win situation, like they want a scapegoat, someone as a focus for their anger, instead of actually wanting help. It makes your mother feel better to blow up at someone and the person who can't inflict consequences on her is you. You don't have to participate, and you don't have to be a caregiver, and you especially don't have to be a therapist.

Why should you destroy your health, mental and physical, over this? There are all kinds of aids that will make it possible for them to function independently. I know you know all this, but it's good to meditate on it a little. :)

I may have said this before.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

It's official. You are heroically well adjusted.
*warmest heartfelt sympathy expressible as a hug as desired*

[nekosensei.livejournal.com]

Wow. Your mom is being highly irrational. Is he at home or is he still in the hospital? The pain is gone, but he's still not mobile? I would say that, if he's still not better in a day or two, that she should take him back to the hospital and to make sure that she asks a lot of questions.


*hugs*

[cerulean-sky.livejournal.com]

Two different birthdays?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Yeah. My birth certificate and the social security administration have two different birthdays and if anyone knows why they aren't telling.

[cerulean-sky.livejournal.com]

Ah. That is very strange. How different? Like, a couple of days, or a whole different birthday?

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

I am sorry. I hope this is as well resolved as it can be soon.