on the Internet and betrayal

[rm]

I want to be writing about how awesome WriterCon was.
I want to be writing one of a billion Torchwood fics I should be working on, or any of a couple of essays I've been asked to do for anthologies.
I want to be writing responses to the slash panel talking points I found so problematic from that one session at WriterCon.

But I don't get to talk about that today.

Instead, I have to talk about trust and about what it means to err on the side of kindness.

Despite the fact that I am often harsh, that I call it like I see it, if I can help you, I often will. If that means money, professional advice, listening to the grief of stories, I give it if I've got it -- because people being generous with me, often more generous that I deserved at the time, is how I'm able to have the life I have. It's how I'm able to have any life at all.

But my trust and the trust of people I adore has been abused epically of late, in a number of ways, by a number of people. These include people misrepresenting their identity to cause rupture in a community that matters to me, people lying about death and disease in their lives to get money and attention and people exaggerating for the purpose of social manipulation and attention situations in which I would have no problem with them legitimately asking for help and my providing it in return.

And now I'm pissed. Because when you do that, you hurt people who do need help, and lord knows there are plenty of them.

I could do wrath and rage. I want to do wrath and rage. But I know whatever anger and eloquence I can muster will do nothing more than make these petty, craven, bored and broken sorts snigger or perhaps work harder to cover their tracks. So it doesn't matter.

Do good because you can do it. Do good because of what it says about you. Do good because it is there to be done.

The five minutes of my time, the five dollars donated, whatever -- all perfectly worth it so I don't have to feel I did less than I could have, just so I could have the privilege of never being embarrassed on the Internet.

You didn't get away with anything; you merely received compassion.

Comments

[don-negro.livejournal.com]

There's a world in which I'm maybe 100 bucks a month richer, and there's a world in which I never have to question whether or not I walk in the light. I made the decision a while back to live in the latter and I've never regretted it.

The only thing I can feel for people who think they've pulled something over on me by eliciting my compassion is more compassion. If I continue to suspect that your motives aren't genuine, you and I simply won't meet any more.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

I'd rather be stoic than cynical.

[lyorn.livejournal.com]

Yes, this.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I just...yeah. I don't even know.

*sigh*

[person] has apparently made some sort of plea to the abuse team, so fuck knows what's coming down the pipe.

[demotu.livejournal.com]

Wait, really? But we haven't named them out of flock. Not that I've seen, at least.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

I certainly haven't, but the message has apparently been received somehow.

ETA: Not in a "Bwa ha! I was so-and-so all along!" sort of way, but in a "I am a victim of this other person and lied about some things but am not really bad!" sort of way.

[demotu.livejournal.com]

I want to ask how you know this but can we move it to my journal since this isn't flocked?

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

Done.

[cruentum.livejournal.com]

Thad wrote them an email, yeah? I mean - obviously they know. And the lj abuse is against a_ not against the community from what the person is saying

[demotu.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Let's move this discussion to my journal, though.

[pandarus.livejournal.com]

Eh, dear, that is a shame. But I agree with you - I don't believe in karma particularly, as such, but I still feel conscious of how many times I've depended upon the kindness and compassion of strangers, in many different ways, and so although I have been taken advantage of several times, and it does leave a very bitter taste in my mouth, I still don't regret choosing to do what I could (in spite of doubts which turned out to be quite correct rather than being cagier and more selfish, when it was help I could afford to give.

But, yes. Shame on them, and their warped perspective.

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

You didn't get away with anything; you merely received compassion.

You need to have that engraved on something.

But seriously, I don't understand why some folks haven't gotten the memo that 1990s are long past, and as such, being a manipulative and toxic person via the internet isn't as daring an act as it used to be.

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

ack - i'm sorry that this is cropping up for you; especially given that the past few days has done a little bit to give me back my faith in the internets (helpful advice encouraging words and assistance from totally unexpected places)

[dvanulya.livejournal.com]

Sorry you (and everyone else) had to deal with this kind of crap. You're right, of course - compassion is what's called for, if it's attainable. (I happen to be less compassionate and more disgusted, but that's my failing.) It's just a damned shame that the good people who have been affected will be less trusting, less open, less available, less friendly, and just less because of it.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

You didn't get away with anything; you merely received compassion.

I know that the engine that birthed this comment was fueled by anger, but it is one of the most beautifully honest things I have read. It will stay with me for a long time.

On the subject at hand, I have no words. People need better hobbies than to take advantage of a giving nature.

I hope this resolves to your satisfaction quickly.

[woogledesigns.livejournal.com]

Ouch. *Sympathy*
You have such a good attitude though, yey you.
If someone ever manages to con me I think: 'Well, that's not my fault for being gullible, it's your fault for being manipulative. Well done. You are now an untrustworthy liar.'
Although I no longer give to beggars, having been scammed too many times when I was young, because I decided there was no way for me to sort the honest ones from the rest. Later I thought 'I am not responsible for your situation and you are not entitled to the income I have earned by my own hard work for myself.' and I stopped feeling bad about it.
But in a world where some people are liars, and some people are liars because it is a compulsion within them, we have an obligation to ourselves to apply critical thinking whenever we are able, to check facts and details and thereby protect ourselves from being exploited and protect the others from becoming exploiters.

[used_songs]

As always, I don't know what the heck is going on, but I am sorry. It sucks when people do that stuff - it sullies the air and makes everyone feel bad. I'm sorry that your trust was abused (and judging from the comments, the trust of a lot of other people as well).

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

So - to make you feel a little better about fandom, here's a GOOD story. Neither of the people involved are on your flist.

Someone I've known in fandom for AGES has had a lot of trouble over the years. Her partner is chronically ill and can't work, she has some serious medical issues herself, and she makes very little money. Last week, she posted that her refrigerator broke down. She had no hope of buying another one for a long, long time.

Another member of my flist immediately started a collection to get her a new fridge (this was filtered away from the friend in question). In LESS THAN A WEEK, she collected over a thousand dollars.

Now our friend has a brand new fridge, she's replaced all the food that spoiled when her old one broke down, and she has a bit left over for car repairs.