on the Internet and betrayal

[rm]

I want to be writing about how awesome WriterCon was.
I want to be writing one of a billion Torchwood fics I should be working on, or any of a couple of essays I've been asked to do for anthologies.
I want to be writing responses to the slash panel talking points I found so problematic from that one session at WriterCon.

But I don't get to talk about that today.

Instead, I have to talk about trust and about what it means to err on the side of kindness.

Despite the fact that I am often harsh, that I call it like I see it, if I can help you, I often will. If that means money, professional advice, listening to the grief of stories, I give it if I've got it -- because people being generous with me, often more generous that I deserved at the time, is how I'm able to have the life I have. It's how I'm able to have any life at all.

But my trust and the trust of people I adore has been abused epically of late, in a number of ways, by a number of people. These include people misrepresenting their identity to cause rupture in a community that matters to me, people lying about death and disease in their lives to get money and attention and people exaggerating for the purpose of social manipulation and attention situations in which I would have no problem with them legitimately asking for help and my providing it in return.

And now I'm pissed. Because when you do that, you hurt people who do need help, and lord knows there are plenty of them.

I could do wrath and rage. I want to do wrath and rage. But I know whatever anger and eloquence I can muster will do nothing more than make these petty, craven, bored and broken sorts snigger or perhaps work harder to cover their tracks. So it doesn't matter.

Do good because you can do it. Do good because of what it says about you. Do good because it is there to be done.

The five minutes of my time, the five dollars donated, whatever -- all perfectly worth it so I don't have to feel I did less than I could have, just so I could have the privilege of never being embarrassed on the Internet.

You didn't get away with anything; you merely received compassion.

Comments

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

Been there done that, and I will still give everyone the same chance initially, will not let those who abuse my trust take that away from me.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

"so do good for goodness sake"

My mom pointed that out to me some Christmastime or another, as being a just wonderful lyric. Sure, you should do good so that Santa brings you presents, but more importantly, you should do good for the sake of being good, of making the world more good.

Also, I believe the phrase my group of friends uses most is "decreasing world suck"

~Sor

[shadowedkit.livejournal.com]

That lyric was pointed out to me as a child as well- and something I try to live by. Even doing the smallest thing, just for goodness sake that helps someone else is one of the best things you can do to make the world more good and make life just a little bit easier for that person to live in.

I can never understand people who manipulate and abuse trust given by others out of compassion in order to help. For me it is one of the greastest betrayels possible. I've experienced this in real life quite a few times and therefore learnt to be not as trusting but never online. So Racheline, *hugs* to you and everyone else, in that you and others had to experience this.

[weirdodragoncat.livejournal.com]

That sort of shit pisses me off too. I've had to ask for help a few times. It has crossed my mind that I might not have received as much help as I could have because there are people that do crap like that. That being said...I'm still grateful for whatever help I *do* get.

Also...it's one of the reasons I *don't* ask for help as often as I might need it. I'm too worried someone is going to see me as just another scammer.

[logospilgrim.livejournal.com]

:-(

*tender robed embrace*

[cozzene.livejournal.com]

Deceit is an evil web weaver; sadly those that are good get caught.

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

Well said.

[dancingbarefoot.livejournal.com]

This is how it usually goes, people with the biggest hearts and who believe in paying it forward are the ones who end up being dinged.

:( I'm sorry that you had to be hurt by them.

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

You didn't get away with anything; you merely received compassion.

Whatever people have taken away from me by abusing my trust is nothing compared to what I have gained by giving it.

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

:)

That's lovely.

[kaffy_r]

I'm sorry this happened.

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

If someone on my flist is engaging in Munchausen-by-Internet, I'd like to know ...

[rm.livejournal.com]

Just looked at your friends list. You're clear of any of the individuals that set this off.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Le sigh. This is like fail!week. And it's Tuesday.

[blue-fjords.livejournal.com]

And my buzz has totes been harshed.

In happy news for you, amand_r, adjovi is coming over tomorrow and we're going to talk her Big Bang. There shall probably be tootsie pops involved, and there will definitely be toasting of amand_r.

[sykii.livejournal.com]

I'd rather be a sucker than heartless, too.

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

It's what I try for, too.

But I'm glad my bullshit detector seems to have grown more powerful and reliable as I've aged. It helps with my being careful.

"Do what you can." That's been a good spur for me. I try. Keep trying, as well.

I feel for the betrayals this entry is about. Betrayal is The Suck. (Don't feel like bein' fuckin' eloquent about it.)

Peace. Do what you can.

[neifile7.livejournal.com]

This isn't a day when I've felt very proud of fandom. Or at least certain segments and participants.

But it is a day I've felt very proud of my flist -- for calling the bullshit and supporting those affected by it.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I'm livid particularly about the angle that seems to claim that we (a group that is of mixed genders and sexual orientations way beyond the normal shape and scope of fandom) are sexist and queer-fetishizing because we gave someone who appeared to be a youth who needed mentoring the benefit of the doubt. That's the biggest poison to me.

[dramedy.livejournal.com]

It's things like this that just make me sad. Why do people have to abuse other people, manipulate and destroy trust in a community in order to feel better than themselves? that doesn't make them better, or smarter, because quite frankly the people who trust in others are always far and away the better people than those who manipulate that trust.

I'm sorry you had to deal with these cruel idiots. I hope they get what's coming to them.

Do good because it is there to be done.

[perlandria.livejournal.com]

That was one of the most beautiful moments about becoming an agnostic humanist, realizing that assuming there is no God means all evil is human evil and could therefor be inside the control of people.

Sorry that hurtful people played with trust and wasted your time, especially wasting your time. Trust you can choose to give back, but the moments you spent on this are moments that weren't spent elsewhere. And that is evil.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

So sad, that people who could ask for help by telling the truth instead ask for help by telling a lie.

And short-sighted, on their part. A long-term friend is worth a lot more than a short-term handout. It's so sad that some people think they have to take what they need, that there is no other option.

[lyorn.livejournal.com]

So sad, that people who could ask for help by telling the truth instead ask for help by telling a lie.

I can only imagine that they are protecting their egos by telling a lie that the truth can hide behind.

[http://users.livejournal.com/peasant_/]

For some reason I don't really understand, bad behaviour on the internet seems to hurt far more than bad behaviour in real life. Whatever has happened (not asking for details, just making it clear I don't know them) I am sorry you got bitten.

[lilacsigil.livejournal.com]

Some years ago, a very generous and kind friend I knew only online died, alone and in debt. A group of fellow fans got together and donated enough money for her to have a gravestone. At the time, I was very ill and poor myself and couldn't donate. So every donation I make now, I make in her memory, with an open heart. If other people want to take advantage of that, well, I'm sorry for them, and it doesn't take away from the giving.

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

This was a truly lovely comment and I am glad I read it.

[laughingacademy.livejournal.com]

...people lying about death and disease in their lives to get money and attention...

Eurgh. That is vile. I’m sorry you crossed paths with someone so undeserving of your good will.

[sanginmychains.livejournal.com]

You didn't get away with anything; you merely received compassion.

This is yes. I was hoping against hope that, even if it was the same person again, maybe it would be different. I didn't make im my best friend of anythign, but I continued to be polite, friendly in that talking-to-nice-strangers kind of way. Thought maybe he/she got whatever it was out of his/her system (okay, yes, i recognize the need for epicene pronouns, I just can't get comfy with using them) and they were here just to be in the fandom and writing, this time.

Obviously not. And that saddens me. I don't get what the satisfaction is, being friendly with people, having them be friendly back, and then going hah! I was only *faking* friendly. Got you!

Got me.

[iamradar.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting words about this; similar things have been happening to me and I haven't found the right way to say such. I am so sorry that you've had to endure it as well. :(

[garlicfiend.livejournal.com]

Another link to be posted on the giant list of "Why Fandom Can't Have Nice Things." :(

[editrx.livejournal.com]

Yup, I think he/she did it again (take a look at my flist and let me know if I'm right). I've sort of been scanning by their posts and going, "Oi" and just ignoring it, I'm afraid. I shouldn't ignore it, but I just don't have the energy to call bullshit right now. Money, huh? That angers me.

People have been extraordinarily kind to me through my own illness(es) and lack of income, including you, rm, and I appreciate that very much -- times are hard all around, and shit does happen for real, eventually to us all. But that people take advantage of kindness? Makes me angry and sad all at the same time.

When I was in the position to, I was able to help with that true kindness for a number of people who clearly needed it, and it saddens me that I can't anymore, except with words.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Yes, they are one of the offenders.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Shit, I have no words. To be used in that manner, that's so way beyond a low blow.
I'm sorry you've been burned and treated that way, no one should have to feel that kind betrayal.

Perhaps I'm naive and not-jaded-enough-yet, but I really, really don't get it. Why people chose to do this sort of thing and end up causing strife, resentment and over nastiness.
Isn't the world nasty enough as it is?

*hugs* if you want them.

[xtricks.livejournal.com]

Arg. Clearly I fail at judging people via the interwebs.

[misswinterhill.livejournal.com]

You and me both, xtricks.