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common secrets
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/09/24/miscarriage-is-a-workplace-event/
I'm obsessed with common secrets, the things that happen all the time but no one talks about or if they do talk about they usually do it with lots of judgment because that's the only way the discussion is allowed.
This is on that.
It's about miscarriage and abortion.
But it's also about statistics.
And the less bad of bad options.
And the way we judge women.
And what we say on Twitter.
And being uncomfortable.
And controlling our lives by telling our stories.
I'm obsessed with common secrets, the things that happen all the time but no one talks about or if they do talk about they usually do it with lots of judgment because that's the only way the discussion is allowed.
This is on that.
It's about miscarriage and abortion.
But it's also about statistics.
And the less bad of bad options.
And the way we judge women.
And what we say on Twitter.
And being uncomfortable.
And controlling our lives by telling our stories.
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:(
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I especially dislike the whole "I'm pro-choice but you should still feel sad and ashamed about wanting an abortion." :/
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*My* mom *does* believe in keeping abortion legal. That's how I know my brother and I were wanted babies. (Technically, it's only proven for my brother, as I was born in 1967, pre-Roe.)
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More broadly, I think of writers like Penelope Trunk as a sort of advance guard on storytelling -- you need artists and writers to, very publicly, go WAY beyond the current cultural comfort zones to provide cover for everyone else to less publicly make the smaller, necessary, steps.
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She has other stuff I think you'd really like, I have the worst crush on (the idea of) her.
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When privacy is violated, it engenders some of the most intense responses in people and since we don't talk about what private is often, the discomfort also gets channeled into whatever the content is. Even when the actual person involved choses to not be private, there's still a clash in expectations.
I think, of all the changes the internet has wrought - and they are myriad - the changing sense of privacy (and the opposite, which I think is purience) may be the greatest historical change.
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It's a lonely feeling when you want to talk about something you're feeling or experiencing that others think is supposed to be private, and you end up saying something and receiving awkward stares and silence, or you end up feeling like you have been silenced without having ever spoken.
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The callousness and self-absorption being demonstrated is enraging.
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No... most miscarriages are not medical emergencies... worth seeing a doctor about when they start but they aren't quick and dirty. They last over time especially if you are further along because the system has more to jettison. If they were a true medical emergency we as a species would have died out long ago.
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I figured that if I had the miscarriage, the embryo (it was an early miscarriage) wasn't viable and it was for the best. It took me four months to get pregnant. Miscarriage in month three, baby stuck in month four. I knew trying for a baby I'd likely have one, because I knew the statistics on it.
I was just thankful it happened early on, rather than after quickening.
People need to get over themselves.
N.
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When I had my resulting miscarriage the relief was amazing. It was the best possible outcome.
Some people are asshats. A lot of them posted comments. I am thankful that everyone in my life was kind to me.
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On the other hand, though, I made a mistake with one of my friends over a year ago. She was talking about desperately wanting to bear a child and how she was getting older and felt she was running out of time, and I replied, mentioning that the chances of becoming pregnant are much slimmer the older a woman gets. What I didn't realize was that she had PCOS and that it was highly unlikely that she could ever get pregnant or carry a fetus to term, which was a source of great emotional pain for her. I felt terrible. Plus, even without her condition, it was very insensitive of me to make comments about another woman's fertility. What I often have to remind myself of now, when having conversations about these subjects with my female friends, is just to keep my mouth shut about certain things like pregnancy and fertility unless they ask me how I feel about it. I can be there for them if they need me to, and I can try to help, but I feel it's no longer my place to try to feel what they feel if, for example, they have a miscarriage, or they find out they can't have children. I feel two-faced when I express condolences or sympathy, because I simultaneously wish what was happening to them would happen to me if I were in their shoes. It's strange, and it makes me feel like an asshole for even having those thoughts.
Women and private information are such hard waters to navigate. All I've learned so far is to express my personal feelings only when it's in my personal space, and people who hear/read it are specifically choosing to do so...and otherwise, not to talk about it at all unless other people want to. First, do no harm, right?
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Trufax: at my first post-college job (years and years ago), one of my coworkers became pregnant. Our boss (the company owner) wanted her to take a processing job in the basement so she wouldn't be visible to the customers as her belly grew.
Coming from that, I personally think it's a great improvement when a woman can publically talk about her personal issues. Was this over the line, too personal, perhaps even too 'cold' as it was done thru Tweeting? Perhaps. But I've lived on the other side, and I'll take this any day.
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