r's and m's
Dec. 14th, 2009 09:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rmIn the last year, I've noticed a peculiar trend in my writing that goes back decades. I have an awful lot of protagonists named Martin, and I think I know why.
You see, if my name weren't Racheline, I'm pretty sure it would be Martin. This is not what my parents would have named me had I come out with different bits (what they would have named me had I "been a boy" in the traditional sense of things is completely unknown to me and I think I'd be off-put, quite frankly, by the process of asking and answering). It's also far from my favorite male name. But it's the one people tell me over and over I should use: as a pen name, or a drag name, or, you know, just if I decide I want a male name. Or something.
And it feels okay on me. Pretty solid really. Like a secret I don't know how to tell you. I think I'm awfully comfy in those m's and r's. And plus, I know the long list of names I can't have: Most men aren't cool enough to be named Jack, and you really have to like dogs to have that name; I don't like dog. To be frank, they make me a bit nervous. Meanwhile Richard shortens to Dick, and that's always unfortunate when you keep yours in your dresser. Nicholas, well that feels too delicate even for me.
So Martin. Sure. Why not? Martin.
But I can't be Martin. Because I keep writing about men named Martin. Over and over and over again. And that's the thing, you can't name yourself after your own characters. Not at all. Not ever. Nope. And if I can't be Martin, then I don't have to make the choice described in Why James Chartrand Wears Women's Underpants, which for me wouldn't even feel all that much like a deception, just maybe a lot of work on the days when I do feel like wearing a dress (that's the annoying thing about me, I wear the dressy clothes assigned to either gender really fucking well, and anything I do well I tend to like).
So this is what I mean when I say as part of my very long explanation of my gender identity that for political reasons I will always, on some level, be female.
Read the link. This shit sucks. It sucks for women. And it sucks for everyone who ever has to walk through the middle of this gender thing.
And it sucks for someone with a name like mine -- that's fantastic as a brand, but is weird and unwieldy as an actual thing for actual people to call me and makes people angry, like it's more than someone with a cunt deserves.
You see, if my name weren't Racheline, I'm pretty sure it would be Martin. This is not what my parents would have named me had I come out with different bits (what they would have named me had I "been a boy" in the traditional sense of things is completely unknown to me and I think I'd be off-put, quite frankly, by the process of asking and answering). It's also far from my favorite male name. But it's the one people tell me over and over I should use: as a pen name, or a drag name, or, you know, just if I decide I want a male name. Or something.
And it feels okay on me. Pretty solid really. Like a secret I don't know how to tell you. I think I'm awfully comfy in those m's and r's. And plus, I know the long list of names I can't have: Most men aren't cool enough to be named Jack, and you really have to like dogs to have that name; I don't like dog. To be frank, they make me a bit nervous. Meanwhile Richard shortens to Dick, and that's always unfortunate when you keep yours in your dresser. Nicholas, well that feels too delicate even for me.
So Martin. Sure. Why not? Martin.
But I can't be Martin. Because I keep writing about men named Martin. Over and over and over again. And that's the thing, you can't name yourself after your own characters. Not at all. Not ever. Nope. And if I can't be Martin, then I don't have to make the choice described in Why James Chartrand Wears Women's Underpants, which for me wouldn't even feel all that much like a deception, just maybe a lot of work on the days when I do feel like wearing a dress (that's the annoying thing about me, I wear the dressy clothes assigned to either gender really fucking well, and anything I do well I tend to like).
So this is what I mean when I say as part of my very long explanation of my gender identity that for political reasons I will always, on some level, be female.
Read the link. This shit sucks. It sucks for women. And it sucks for everyone who ever has to walk through the middle of this gender thing.
And it sucks for someone with a name like mine -- that's fantastic as a brand, but is weird and unwieldy as an actual thing for actual people to call me and makes people angry, like it's more than someone with a cunt deserves.
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-16 01:44 pm (UTC)And then I realized how damn tricky it would be to have a name that is nothing at all like my legal name while I negotiated the legal bit, particularly at my dayjob and decided to work with the initials I had for maximum plausibility. I regret it a little bit, but unless I had an opportunity to make a clean break -- win the lottery, move, etc -- it's the less horrible option in practice.
*Hits wrong set of keys, posts by accident, swears.*
The James Chartrand thing is complicated. I don't doubt for an instant that just a pen name would improve her prospects, but to hear it from her (and those writing about her) she was presenting as wholly male with an entirely male persona online. Which, I suppose, she'd have to do. Pen names need a bit of a cover story regardless.
What I'm finding chilling in addition to the very clear, very real demonstration of disparity is the backlash I'm already seeing over it. People are using a lot of the same language they do about transfolk and genderqueer folk. It's galling and terrifying, the way that line gets enforced even when it's being crossed in ways that most people typically accept in theory.