in memory of mansions

[rm]

Yesterday, I wound up having to go down to DC for the day at the last minute. I used to live in DC (it's where I went to uni and I stayed for a bit after), but I haven't been back in years. sykii and I were planning a trip there together shortly after 9/11 and then 9/11 happened. Since then, time's just gotten away from me.

It's remarkable, really, how it all remains exactly the same. And there was something about being in business clothes and walking out of Union Station, all smart and sharp, into the cold to wait for a cab. I was there to Do Business, and really, it's hard not to feel a thrill of being part of the supposed machinations of our world.

Of course, I hit the cab driver jackpot. Immediately, he's ranting at me about the right to bear arms (frustrating, because does ANYONE have a middle ground on firearms? Because apparently I do, but I was not pro-gun enough) and making racist statements about the guys who do the deployment at the cab stand. I was already an hour and a half late (thanks to snow on the way down) or I would have gotten out of the cab. Instead, I smiled and nodded and felt a pang of weird sorrow when he talked about his daughter the black-belt army officer and her three tween daughters.

So I did my meeting. And then another meeting, and then it was coffee with some of the people I work with and there I was drinking hot cocoa while men talked about their fixation with WWII history and didn't even look to see if I was still in the room. I smiled into my cup and thought of the greatcoat in my closet at home and all the wrong ways I always learn about important things.

Then it was off to the World Bank. The building is new and wasn't there when I lived in DC. And I'm not really much for modernist architecture, but my god, you know how we were promised flying cars? This was flying cars. The inside of the building is a huge, dimly lit atrium, with ambient light coming from some softly glowing pyramid sculptures. Everything is bluish and offices rise up around you and you can't look up without feeling these cities of numbers and hope -- I should have done maths, I should have gotten a PhD. I'd tell you to go look at it, and maybe they have tours, but yesterday it seemed pretty clear we couldn't get in without an invite and an escort.

When I lived in DC I fell in love with mansions. I put personal ads in CityPaper asking what we would do on a date, and I went to a bunch of embassy dinners that way -- the Russians, the Moroccans, the Swedes. Maybe that's the only time I was really ever a girl, like, the way you're supposed to be.

I was rarely happy in DC -- school was a struggle because I often found it hard to care enough and my interpersonal relationships were chaotic -- but I had mansions and monuments, a world sorrowful and all to myself. DC's a funny place - if hell mouths were real, there'd be one there, maybe two; I have never spent a single moment in DC when I didn't feel like the ground was trying to put roots up into my body and take over the whole of my veins. It just, the soil has a funny energy there. And it sounds nuts, unless you know DC, spent nights on its stoops listening to blues music from the bar next to the voodoo shop down the street from the Masonic temple and up the block from the restaurant with the taxidermied fucking panther hanging from its ceiling.

DC formed my way of seeing and my way of grieving and my sense of selves squandered. And so yesterday was strange (and tiring -- I left our house at 5:15am and got home at 11:15pm) and I spent the few quiet moments I had thinking of when I wanted to be a war reporter and of the Torchwood/West Wing AU I keep swearing I'm going to write.

It's such a bright city of such terrible things.

Comments

[mellacita.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, the World Bank. Flying cars, indeed, and a lovely inscription on the atrium wall announcing "A World Free of Poverty."

Anyway, sorry I didn't see your reply to my comment in time to offer you suggestions on GF places.

I was rarely happy in DC -- school was a struggle because I often found it hard to care enough and my interpersonal relationships were chaotic -- but I had mansions and monuments, a world sorrowful and all to myself. DC's a funny place - if hell mouth's were real, there'd be one there; I have never spent a single moment in DC when I didn't feel like the ground was trying to put roots up into my body and take over the whole of my veins. It just, the soil has a funny energy there. And it sounds nuts, unless you know DC, spent nights on its stoops listening to blues music from the bar next to the voodoo shop down the street from the Masonic temple and up the block from the restaurant with the taxidermied fucking panther hanging from its ceiling.

It's a unique place, for sure. I came here in 2000 intending to spend a year. Still here, but not even like it was by choice. It just...happened.

[fala-redwing.livejournal.com]

My husband calls himself a World Bank brat (his Algerian father worked for the North Africa division until the roundup of foreign nationals some 15 or so years ago); having lived all over the world, DC is the only place he calls home. I've lived on its outskirts my entire life and I can't imagine living anywhere much further from it. Despite the political gasbags, there really is something sad and exotic and homey and invasive about this place.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

When I saw you were going to be in the area, I thought about asking if you'd like to meet for lunch. But then I read your plans and you were far too busy for anything like that.

If you happen to get back anytime soon, and have some free time, it'd be great to meet up with you.

[tree00faery.livejournal.com]

That last line really resonated with me. I grew up in Maryland suburbs of DC, and I've always had this weird relationship with the city. For whatever reason, 'bright city of terrible things' sounds completely right to me.

[kindkit.livejournal.com]

It's fascinating how much your experience of living in DC was not my experience of living there (from 2002-2008). I never really connected with the city or the people. Much of that disconnection, I think, happened because I fell into the great gaping abyss that DC has between its various extremes. I was in my thirties, neither a young student nor one of the older established types; I was struggling middle class rather than poor or rich. (Nor did it help that I lived in one uninspiring area of the city, Southwest, and worked in another; that made it hard to love the spaces I moved through.)

And I'm sure the DC I experienced, post-9/11, was simply not the same as the one you knew earlier. One of the things I remember most about the DC landscape was the slow shift over from temporary security structures to permanent bollards and concrete barrier walls.

There were moments, though. I loved that my drive to the grocery store took me across the mall, with the Capitol on one side and the Washington Monument on the other, although it felt like living in a film set and I loved it in a way that was not homelike. And I loved, for some strange reason, the military procurement ads in the subways advertising helicopters and anti-aircraft guns.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

I was only there as a tourist for less than two days at a time, so I can't say that I ever saw the city, I saw city with its face to the world and while it is impressive - I can't say I was left awed at the show-casing of power. There were points in which I was uncomfortable, but I was uncomfortable in the same way in NYC - the hugeness of things isn't something I'm used to.

Maybe it's own disillusion with constitutes power.

I smiled into my cup and thought of the greatcoat in my closet at home and all the wrong ways I always learn about important things.
Resonance like whoa!

You wanted to be a war reporter?! Well, I suppose it's the crème de la crème of journalism.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Yeah. You know, be dangerous and hardcore and one of the boys. And I never stopped wanting it. I just... got distracted.

[pocketmouse]

Huh. My friend works at the World Bank as an AV tech, he has expressed disappointment to me multiple times that he's not on the list of people allowed to go out on the catwalk over that atrium to do lighting fixes.

I love DC, but even though I've lived here two and a half years, I still haven't done much exploring. I don't really like going out on my own, I prefer going out with others, but most of my friends don't like my snarky art history critic approach to monuments and museums. And I don't exactly have cash, either.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Tragically, a lot of the things I really loved in DC are gone now (including the place with the taxidermied panther that had an AWESOME sandwhich called "the viking death ship" which was rare roast beef on garlic bread topped with raw onions and jalepenos).

[sfw-dc.livejournal.com]

Dante's! You know he owns the Black Cat now, yes? It's not the same, but it's related.

(Hi. I'm Sarah, and I randomly followed a link from Bet Noir's LJ.)

[taffimai.livejournal.com]

Let me know if you want to do a pass through the National Gallery some time. I'm good with snarky art history critics.

[pocketmouse]

I might! I'm often really busy, though -- my schedule vacillates wildly between working three weeks solid with no days off, and having a week and a half with nothing to do.

[introductory.livejournal.com]

I spent the few quiet moments I had thinking of when I wanted to be a war reporter

That statement reminds me of -- have you read Another Green World by Richard Grant?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Nope, it's unfamiliar to me (except as a title of a Brian Eno album for which I have great love).

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

DC's a funny place - if hell mouths were real, there'd be one there, maybe two

Only two? ;-)

I grew up in Annandale, VA (1983-1991) and while the DC area is a fascinating place, and I made some of my closest friendships there, the amount of free-floating hostility was exhausting to deal with, and even now I find myself having to consciously "de-program" myself from feeling that I must keep up my guard; it took the longest time for me to feel comfortable making eye contact with people, for fear of getting a "whatareyoulookingat?" followed by a knuckle sandwich or worse.

I hear you on the sorrowful mood. DC is a city that looks simply gorgeous on heavy, cloudy, rainy days for some reason...

[frodo-esque.livejournal.com]

the amount of free-floating hostility was exhausting to deal with, and even now I find myself having to consciously "de-program" myself from feeling that I must keep up my guard; it took the longest time for me to feel comfortable making eye contact with people, for fear of getting a "whatareyoulookingat?" followed by a knuckle sandwich or worse.

I found this fascinating read about as I've never met friendlier people than the ones in the DC area. I lived in Atlanta for 7 years and was amazed at how easy it was to approach and talk to strangers. In fact, I was amazed at how many strangers approach me and I'm at a bar socializing.

I've also been so pleased with how willing folks have been to include me in their social groups, I've only been here for 6 months, but in that time I've met so many people with whom I socialize with regularly.

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

You aren't the first to say that; I have found that people who lived in DC proper rather than in the suburbs tend to have had a different experience.

I have often wondered if in the effort to blend in with the lockers in order to avoid my more unbalanced peers, I was giving off a "kick me" vibe... I have also wondered if I have some kind of social deficit, or if I had the bad luck of being around an unusual number of unhinged people.

Can you really be said Aspberger's if you are stuck around lots of antisocial people? And when I say "antisocial", I mean having to sit next to a guy in American History who was a bit TOO into Hitler, getting jumped in the locker room by a chick who flipped out after I told her to leave my friend alone, spending a day on crutches due to a sprained ankle and having people say to my face I was faking it.

Maybe it was the knowledge that we all had 1,000s of Soviet nukes pointed at us that made folks kind of screwy?

[frodo-esque.livejournal.com]

I have found that people who lived in DC proper rather than in the suburbs tend to have had a different experience.
I live in Bethesda, MD. =)

I have also wondered if I have some kind of social deficit, or if I had the bad luck of being around an unusual number of unhinged people.
I think it depends; do you continue to have issues connecting with people, or was this something you only experienced in DC?

And when I say "antisocial", I mean having to sit next to a guy in American History who was a bit TOO into Hitler, getting jumped in the locker room by a chick who flipped out after I told her to leave my friend alone, spending a day on crutches due to a sprained ankle and having people say to my face I was faking it.
It sounds like you had some pretty rough experiences growing up-- but I'd argue that most of it *could* have been due to being in junior high/middle school, rather than the city itself. That's a pretty torturous set of years, and my own experience (in Lexington, KY) was horrendous.

Of course, once I left high school at 15, life changed-- it was still the same city, but people matured.

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

I think it depends; do you continue to have issues connecting with people, or was this something you only experienced in DC?

After a lot of sitting and thinking, I do still have problems making contacts due to the fact that I operate under the *presumption* that I bring out the spring-loaded hostile in others, and as such, must be very careful around people. Vicious cycle, I know.

I have found that moving across the country (due to having to go where the jobs are rather than fleeing anything) and getting established in my career field has helped a lot. I am a person who Knows Things and is Listened To at work, and when I mention what I do for a living (collection manager at an art gallery), folks are genuinely curious as to what I do, and seem to really like my explanations.

[frodo-esque.livejournal.com]

After a lot of sitting and thinking, I do still have problems making contacts due to the fact that I operate under the *presumption* that I bring out the spring-loaded hostile in others, and as such, must be very careful around people. Vicious cycle, I know.
It is a vicious cycle, but it's one I certainly understand.

Usually when we brace ourselves to be hurt by other people, it's usually because we aren't feeling very confident about the way we look in their eyes. What they do and say matters to us, and that's why you're always bracing in order to protect yourself from the blow.

I have found that moving across the country (due to having to go where the jobs are rather than fleeing anything) and getting established in my career field has helped a lot.

And this goes right along with this, you feel confident in your job-- people look up to you, and this centers and strengthens you.

The key is being centered and strong about all facets in your life-- not just your professional one.

It's a challenge, I dealt with my own insecurities (still am actually), and have come a long way with good therapy.

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

Also keep in mind that I was a kid at the time (moved in at the age of 8, left at the age of 15).

[gement.livejournal.com]

My version of The Future will always be the one from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. (To the point that one of the shmoopy things between me and arjache this Saturday was that we heard that particular flavor of 80s guitar and agreed, with overtones of religious fervor, that it sounded like The Future.)

Now I REALLY want to see inside that building. It sounds like it looks like my The Future.

[taffimai.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about the energy in DC, but to me it just means "home" and I love it.

[frodo-esque.livejournal.com]

I recently moved here to DC and I have to say-- it's a wonderfully diverse city where you'll find people from all walks of the political spectrum (mostly democratic at this time). Compared to Atlanta, strangers are open to talking with you, the landscape and architecture blows my mind (there are moments where I swear I'm on a movie set-- the grand structures look too pretty to be real), and I love the energy you speak of-- the city is always alive to me.

Funny how we both have different views of the same place, probably the result of the experiences we're coming in with.

[pineapplechild.livejournal.com]

Weirdly, your description of your relationship with DC sheds a lot of light for me on the tone your... interest? with mourning takes. (Preoccupation sounds too rude, but I get the feeling your interest in mourning shades a lot of how you look at things.)

DC has always given me that feel.

[austengirl.livejournal.com]

I lived in Alexandria and worked in DC for about 15 months in 2004-05. I loved old town Alexandria and Georgetown (I worked on M Street), so I feel you on the mansions front. I guess the overall impression I had of the city was transience; most people I knew were from somewhere else and were going on to something else, a new job, relationship, whatever. And I didn't even know anyone in government.

It's funny that both of my siblings have spent time there too; my stepbrother went to Georgetown and my sister is a Congressional press secretary. I wouldn't say no if I had the chance to move back, but I don't know how I'd afford it.

I went to a dinner at the Russian Embassy with my mother once. It was both exactly and nothing like what I thought it would be. Caviar and ex-KGB guys and sumptuous decor inside an art brut fortress.

[irismoonlight.livejournal.com]

...the soil has a funny energy there. And it sounds nuts, unless you know DC, spent nights on its stoops listening to blues music from the bar next to the voodoo shop down the street from the Masonic temple and up the block from the restaurant with the taxidermied fucking panther hanging from its ceiling. ...
It's such a bright city of such terrible things.

And that is a poetic rendering of a city that clearly has sides I didn't know existed. Thank you.

[labellerose.livejournal.com]

The Hellmouth is in Georgetown, I think. I was there once with my father whom I had not seen in several years. He took me out to dinner. I was in my early 20s and it was the sort of place that served large steaks and single malt scotch. Um, I don't drink and was a vegetarian. I had a most surreal moment as I looked around the room and saw that most of the tables were occupied by men my father's age who were with women of mine. I don't think they were all their daughters.

[natf.livejournal.com]

the Torchwood/West Wing AU I keep swearing I'm going to write.

Oooo! I NEED to read that!