every little thing's gonna be all right

[rm]

Today was a hard day on the job. The details don't really matter, but it was long, stressful and fairly emotional. So by the time I got the on subway to come home, the very last thing I needed was a couple of guys playing drums and singing "Three Little Birds." So when I got onto the subway car, with no time to switch cars, the intense annoyance on my face was probably pretty fucking obvious.

But no matter how bad a mood I'm in, the fact is I tend to view every moment of existence as an interaction with the cosmic Magic Eight Ball, and even though I don't really like the song, hey, maybe these dudes had a point. Everything _is_ going to be all right, one way or another, and that's what I'd spent the day trying to convince myself of.

Looking around the car, I saw a woman singing along, as he friend air drummed along using a lollipop and they were both laughing as hard as I've ever seen anyone laugh. And, unlike most subway musicians they didn't get off at the next stop, but did the whole song before going around asking for cash.

I cringed a bit when one of the guys asked a woman where her smile had gone. I hate when people tell other people to smile, but she said, "it was there this morning" and they chatted for a bit, and it turned out he was neither being an asshole nor hitting on her. Then the man tried to get the attention of the business guy I was sitting next to. He was reading and refused to acknowledge that he was even being spoken to. If you are not a New Yorker, I should note that this is less rude than it seems, but came off as pretty fucked up in the wacky, congenial mood that had overtaken this particular subway car.

Then the musician got to me.

"Did you enjoy the music?" he asked.

I decided to be honest. "In spite of myself, I did," I said, and gave him a dollar.

"I am taking that smile in too," the man said as he took it, putting a hand to his heart.

Afterwards, as the musucians continued to go around the car and talked to the laughing girls and told us all to be happy and "God bless" and all of that, I couldn't help by dialogue with myself.

It's a patter, I reminded myself. And you do _not_ have a beautiful smile and you're just being taken in.

And, more or less, that was all true. But then I remembered one of the lessons of a different dark part of New York -- not the subways, but sex work, or, at least, sex work as it should be and sex work as it wasn't -- it is okay to pay for pleasure.

It is okay to pay for pleasure.

It is okay to seek recompense for the joy we are capable of delivering. It is okay to sincerely like the people who provide us with services. It is okay to pay for a little bit of respite. It doesn't make you less wise or strong and it doesn't, inherently, make the value of those joys less.

So, maybe every little thing is going to be all right. And maybe it was a patter. But for three minutes on the subway today, my life got a hell of a lot better, and for the first time in all the years since I was a sex-worker, I suddenly understand why (or at least one of the reasons why) clients were never just clients but always friends or always enemies.

The dudes on the subway probably deserved a hell of a lot more than a buck for that.

Comments

[kaffy_r]

Thank you. Strong, perceptive, revealing, logical and lovely.

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

I like this a lot, thanks!

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

I actually love that song. I am picky about who sings it and why. I tend to not like white people singing reggae at all, especially Bob Marley, and DEFINITELY NOT "Redemption Song".

However, I use Three Little Birds as a lullaby for my son, and it works perfectly.

And you know what? Just because you paid them, doesn't mean it's necessarily patter. You do have a great smile :) At lesat, I think you do, and I bet those gentlemen on the train thought so too. Otherwise he would have chosen something else to compliment you on.

N.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I have big issues about the color of my teeth. Braces for 7.5 years didn't make me sane either. Yay celiac disease.

Dudes were black, btw, because yeah, if it had been some white stoner dudes, I don't think my initial annoyance would have managed to fade.

[bizetsy.livejournal.com]

Well said.

[eveningscribe.livejournal.com]

Off topic, but hopefully will give you another smile:
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/photo.php?pid=3957813&id=505078977

[rm.livejournal.com]

Link won't work for me.

[bare-bear.livejournal.com]

This was a beautiful post, and actually made me tear up a bit. It may sounds stupid, but I live for the little moments that lift my heart. Whether it's hearing someone play a song on the street really well, finding a pretty flower, or seeing someone laugh, my heart always soars when I take the time to really experience and acknowledge it. I don't think people (including myself) do that enough. Yeah, I know. Sappy.

But I have to comment on this line:
It's a patter, I reminded myself. And you do _not_ have a beautiful smile and you're just being taken in.
I think everyone is beautiful when they smile, when it's a real smile. It doesn't matter what you physically look like, a smile always brings out the beauty in a person.

Alright, I'll stop with the sap. :) Thank you for the eloquent post.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

Do you really believe you don't have a beautiful smile?

[rm.livejournal.com]

My teeth are severely discolored due to celiac disease and my parents have repeatedly explained to me that no one would ever want me because of that.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I want to yell at your parents. It's heartbreaking that you are so good at seeing beauty in unusual forms and places, but not in your own smile--of course we all have that problem. My own looks are always the hardest to accept and the easiest to criticize.

[theotoky.livejournal.com]

dude. you totally have a beautiful smile.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

It is okay to pay for pleasure.

yes. yes, this. i had a very very bad year a few years ago, and realizing this is what got me through it. i decided that i was going to pay people to be nice to me. so i booked massages every month. an hour of someone being genuinely concerned about me and touching me and making that one knot in my shoulder settle down.

(also, you know, i went to therapy, where it was his job to sound concerned and offer helpful suggestions. again with the paying someone to be nice to me.)

i can't listen to that song without wanting to hide in the bathtub with the dogs. (thank you, _i am legend_.)

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

Wow, what a great stream of consciousness, :). Thank you for sharing!

I'm a current sex worker and I'm not sure that I agree with 'always friends or always enemies,' but it's definitely given me some food for thought, which is always appreciated, :).

Have a good one!

[rm.livejournal.com]

Ahah, I knew there was a reason your fic was smart.

In fairness, a lot of my feelings about sex work come from the fact that I was doing it in the year before and after 9/11, a block from the Empire State Building. That colored a lot of what went on.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

I can imagine!

Thanks for the compliment, :).,

[redstapler.livejournal.com]

My tolerance for buskers on the subway changes as frequently as the tides.

That said, I immediately smile and reach for my wallet when it becomes obvious the performers are doing it just as much for improving the mood in a subway car as they are for my dollar.

Thank you for passing along the smiles.

[sanat.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I'm not alone in disliking when people exhort others to smile. As a sufferer of chronic bitchface who's really quite a nice person, I feel a bit bullied (and ironically, depressed) by it.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I think it is bullying. It says that I am here for them as opposed to me. I was genuinely shocked I didn't want to scream when I witnessed this. The fact that the woman did not seem uncomfortable about it helped.

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

Agreed. I wish I didn't always feel that awkward moment of shame for every time someone said that to me.

This...

[sarantha.livejournal.com]

This is why I am so happy I friended you nine years ago. Thank you.

[hippypaul.livejournal.com]

A wonderful post. I do not know where to start in commenting on how many interesting and wise things you had to say. Thanks!

[podle.livejournal.com]

Yes to this entire post, thank you. Yes to the Cosmic Magic Eight Ball and yes to it being okay to pay for a moment of respite. I loved this.

[magnetgirl.livejournal.com]

Hey, I've spoken to 1000's of people at this point in my job. To many I have said, "best of luck on this exam. We're pulling for you here!"

I meant it EVERY TIME.

He probably meant it. And you do have a great smile. I just put it down to your cheek muscles being stronger from all that snarking ;)

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

This was beautiful. Thank you.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

It is okay to pay for pleasure.

That's such a hard lesson for me. I always feel so weird/horrible/like I'm taking advantage when I pay people for things I can do myself, or things which are simply pleasant. Even wait staff kind of put me on edge a little. I feel bad asking to be served.

But you're right. It's okay to do this. It's okay to be on the other side and enjoy what you're doing, too. Patter doesn't have to be a lie, customer service doesn't have to be pandering, and there's nothing so wrong with me that I can't patronize someone who works in a service trade. If nothing else, they're getting my money.

Thanks for sharing this. It's gorgeous and made me think.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Excellent post, beautiful writing.

Though I disagree, I'm sure you do have a beautiful smile.

[jslorentz.livejournal.com]

I love these snippets of NYC and of you. Thank you for sharing (and making me nostalgic for the subway beyond mere convenience).

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

Fantastic writing. I love it when you share moments like this. Lately, I've found myself more easily irritated (perhaps due to pregnancy hormones). So this one day, right after someone had cut me off -- and I got unreasonably indignant; didn't they KNOW I was EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT??? -- I saw in my rearview mirror a bald guy riding in his convertible with a very happy whippet next to him, strapped into the passenger seat with a doggie seatbelt. The dog was smiling the giddy smile all dogs have when you take them outside, and as we stopped at the light, the man leaned over to the dog, said something, and pointed. The dog looked in the direction he'd pointed (a squirrel? a cat? a work of doggie art?) and, if possible, smiled every more broadly. On the way up the hill, after the stop light, I drove through a cloud of cherry blossoms. Everything was, suddenly, all right.