bullying and the 105%

[rm]

Bullying happens for lots of reasons.

These include:
- bullies choosing to bully.
- cycles of abuse.
- biological impulses towards hierarchy.
- cultural glorification of violence.
- cultural shaming of various traits and interests.
- adults who look the other way.
- childhood and adult fears about identity and fitting in.
- features that people who are bullied can't change.
- features that people who are bullied shouldn't be asked to change.
- features that it may be reasonable to suggest people who are bullied address.

But when I was bullied as a kid, and prank calls came to my house calling a "cock-sucking whore," let me tell you the right response, when I was TWELVE and at an all-girls school, was not for my father to ask me what I had done to deserve this.

*

I'm one of those people who tries hard to live life at 105%. I realize that's a privilege to a given degree, but I do also think -- perhaps wrongly and ruthlessly -- that everyone's always got another tiny, extra sliver of fucking effort to give.

But it's not a damn obligation.

And while I am also always about strategy and pragmatism and survival, because those are my choices and my nature, victim-blaming is always wrong.

Which is why I find this post from theferrett upsetting. And his response to my (very possibly distressing for many) comment even more so.

*

I have made the choice, more literally than most people, over and over again, not to change my name, not to change my face, and not to run away from home.

Would you like me better if I was named Heather? How about Aleksandra? Andrea? Jenny? When I joined SAG, I thought long and hard about these things, and it was a terrible moment. Look, it's my actual job to make people like me.

You know who doesn't have that job? Some random eight-year-old who isn't beautiful, who has "weird" interests, who's a different race than her classmates, who has non-gender confirming hobbies, who's too smart, who has a difficult home life, who lives with a disability, etc., etc., etc.

So don't fucking tell me I didn't work hard enough not to be bullied. Or that I should have just worn a pretty dress. Or not been sick. Or tried not to learn things. Or made my parents name me something else.

I lived. That was, in this regard, all the work I was ever supposed to have to do.

Comments

[juniperus.livejournal.com]

This--your post--is why I'm Momzilla more than having an IEP or a 504 plan or diagnoses or having to force the schools to appropriately educate my children.

Because I shouldn't have to stare an adult in the school in the eye, an adult who is supposed to be interested in my child's welfare, and ask if SHE had a problem with my elementary-age son's fondness for nail polish when she gave excuses why the kids picking on him weren't asked to knock it the fuck off. I shouldn't have to remind my daughter's teacher that telling a special needs kid who is being picked on by her classmates to 'handle it herself' is ludicrous and lazy. I. Shouldn't. Have. to.

[jinian.livejournal.com]

I actually think that my complete obliviousness as a kid helped to keep me from being bullied. A few times people tried, and I just didn't understand that they meant me to be upset. (I do understand that I was lucky in the first place, though; it wasn't that severe, just things like taking my book away.) I was the mythical person that everyone who says "if you don't react they'll go away" is talking about. A very strange experience to think about now. Anyway, I've had much worse experiences later while trying to make friends than I did then, so his suggested strategy certainly didn't work out in my case.

[lovefromgirl.livejournal.com]

You were Luna Lovegood? That's awesome. :)

[lovefromgirl.livejournal.com]

When I was a very young girl and dealing with bullying, there was really nothing I could've done to fix it that didn't betray everything I still liked about myself. When I was older and they started accusing me of queerness (like it was a bad thing or something), I did have to think about one bully's weak spot and remind her that I knew exactly where it was -- but that didn't stop the other girls, because no matter how hard I tried to, well, betray everything I still liked about myself, I was never going to be One Of Them.

Rock, hard place. What can you do but soldier on through?

And my parents did tell me to fight back, but I was so terrified in the former case that I never listened and in the latter, ill-inclined to mar what had been a perfect disciplinary record. (The Perfect Disease was already setting in, you know?)

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

And my parents did tell me to fight back, but I was so terrified in the former case that I never listened and in the latter, ill-inclined to mar what had been a perfect disciplinary record. (The Perfect Disease was already setting in, you know?)

I hear you on this. For me it was more a case of not wanting to be left alone on a room with an enraged Sister Barbara.

Did you also have the problem of your parents telling you to be more assertive, and three sentences later, tell you to stop talking back/trying to get the last word?

Now that I am older, I realize that it is human nature to contradict oneself, but at the time it just contributed to my feeling that the rules were always getting switched on me to make me look foolish, and everyone was trying to gaslight me.

Joining the chorus.

[the-ogre.livejournal.com]

He's clueless, and apparently has no way to get past that basic problem.
I stopped reading his stuff ages ago. The post you linked to is just another reminder of why.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

Isn't he the Open Source Boob Project guy?! D:

[brewsternorth.livejournal.com]

That's him, or at least, that's the name most associated with that particular infamy.

[thatwordgrrl.livejournal.com]

Word. I had a similar situation because of my skin condition.

And really, I was all about to get up in theferrett's face about it.

Until I realized, oh yeah, it's theferrett. Which basically makes it pointless. Based on his refusal to get just how problematic Open Source Boob Failure was, I would expect no less of him here.

I totally hear you

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

As I said to supergee in his DW thread, where he says "It seems to me that one can discuss techniques of avoiding armed robbers without denying that armed robbery is entirely the perp's fault, no matter how many or how few of the techniques the victim took advantage of. This approach strikes me as the only good way to discuss the victim's role in both rape and bullying." (http://supergee.dreamwidth.org/376370.html):

I will read rm's thoughts in a minute, but it seems to me that the *way* it's discussed can't be divorced from the *when*, and from the other contexts, such as how much dismissiveness is involved. The victim's role in rape and bullying, as you put it, is a delicate and painful issue for them (read: us), and focusing on what they could (usually presented as "should") have done to mitigate the pain (and, often, horror) is something most people cannot pull of without being clueless, offensive, hurtful gits. As someone who was lucky enough to survive being raped and nearly murdered, I have VERY little patience for these kinds of discussions, not because I don't think there are varying levels of wisdom of a number of personal-protection strategies, but because I have spent the 20 years since the day I was attacked dealing with idiots who claim that they're just trying to protect people like me when they put the (implicit or explicit) onus of protection onto the victim.

Re: I totally hear you

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

"pull off", of course, not "pull of"

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

you're pretty fucking awesome.

screw the pretty dress (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0)

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

OMG.

Amazing.

[jendaby.livejournal.com]

I thank you for this post. It has made me think long and hard about my own experiences being bullied, and the experiences my children are now facing.

I don't think it's right for anyone to assume that bullying is the fault of the victim, and I hate victim-blaming. I was labeled as a "slut" in junior high even though I'd never yet even held hands with someone else. It was all about the early onset of breasts. I bound myself and started dressing like a boy because I didn't want to be called a slut, and my father started calling me "little lesbo." (He has since become enlightened and apologized for past behavior, but it still hurts to remember.)

When my daughter was in Kindergarten, she was mocked for wearing glasses, for having a "weird" name (which her teacher wouldn't even try to pronounce correctly, but then the same teacher couldn't pronounce half the names in the class), and for being different. After the High Holidays, he Kindergarten teacher asked "Why was school closed?" and when my daughter volunteered that it was a holiday, the teacher said "Yes. A Jewish holiday." My daughter was teased, told that Santa hated her and that she killed Jesus. A boy in her class - five years old! - called her the "C" word and repeatedly hit her. Nothing was done despite repeated pleas to the administration. My daughter is doing very well in school now and has a marvelous 2nd grade teacher who totally gets shy, intelligent children and complimented her glasses on the first day, but some of the damage to self-esteem that my daughter suffered in kindergarten is lingering.

Do you have any advice for helping a child with a non-standard name to feel proud of their individuality? We wanted to give her a pretty name that was different, because I grew up being "Jen P." and longed for something unique. I didn't expect people to be unable to say the "ar" sound - as in "star" - but we either get the "air" or the "or" sound. People get pissed when you correct them on pronunciation!

It sucks that anyone has to encounter bullying in life, and I really wish that more people would address this.

[yoiyami.livejournal.com]

One thing I keep on seeing in the conversations about bullying is the comment, 'where are the adults?' The response is usually, 'the adults are looking the other way.' One thing that, so far, I have not seen is the response, 'the adults are also participating in the bullying'.

I am very actively forgetting high school, and much of my schooling before it. For some reason, it was easier to accept the idea that I was shunned rather than I was bullied; all of this conversation is really driving home that I was bullied and not 'just' shunned. I ignored most of it and survived, but it's not something that doesn't leave scars.

It really hurts when people tell you to 'just not be sick'. It's this underlying assumption that it is a choice to be sick, or to be smart or that what ever the problem is, it is your choice and thus your responsibility to go out of your way to hide or 'fix' it. As has been stated elsewhere, it's victim blaming, but it is also based entirely upon fear. You can only fight your own fears, so being told that you have to fight everyone else's fears too is bewildering.

I was unable to read much of the conversation, and none of his post, because it sounded like a bully going, 'well I was bullied myself so that makes my behavior ok'. Which doesn't make it okay, but he sounds like he is far, far away from being able to understand that.

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

One thing I keep on seeing in the conversations about bullying is the comment, 'where are the adults?' The response is usually, 'the adults are looking the other way.' One thing that, so far, I have not seen is the response, 'the adults are also participating in the bullying'.

*nod*

They sure are. If they're not waving it off with "Kids will be kids!", they're down on the kids being bullied and telling them that it's their own damned fault.

[forest-rose.livejournal.com]

Ugh, that man. He is himself a bully, of the self-satisfied, condescending kind. I try not to read his posts too often, because they make steam come out of my ears.
You, however, are made of win as usual. Thank you for saying coherently what I can only express as 'GRAAAAAH'.

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

theferrett? The same jackass who wrote the immortal lines, "By the end of the evening, women were coming up to us. 'My breasts,' they asked shyly, having heard about the project. 'Are they... are they good enough to be touched?' And lo, we showed them how beautiful their bodies were without turning it into something tawdry."

Yeah, he's a gem, he is.

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

Yeah, he's a gem slightly polished turd, he is.

There, fixed it.

[saoba.livejournal.com]

I rarely read his stuff, it makes we want to break things. And then take a hot shower. Ugh.

Telling the targets of bullies 'You should change' is... wrong. Helps entrench the bullying culture. Puts the burden of the needed changes on the backs of the targets. Doesn't fucking apply to many targets of bullying and doesn't fucking work for some of those he would apply it to ARGH HULK SMASH

Sorry.

He seems to think we live in a magical land where bullying is inevitable BUT if a bully's target just changes the bully will say 'Oh, I don't think I'll bully today. Anyone want to play catch instead?' He completely missed the fact that even if he were right and the bully picks on his target for wearing the wrong kind of socks if you deprive the bully of that excuse the bully will find another excuse or another target.

And either way the problem has not been solved, just deflected.

Part of his gig seems to be that bullying cannot be stopped. Well, neither can murder. But we still take steps to teach people it is wrong and punish those show did it. And it has to be an ongoing process because we keep making people.

There's that scene in the Xmen movie where the mother says to the son 'Have you tried not being a mutant?'. And the audiences laugh. Some of them laugh because it's kind of an insipid response to a revelation of that magnitude. Some of them laugh because they know it's not feasible in the world-building of the movie. Some of them laugh because they're made uncomfortable, wondering how accepting they'd be.

And some of them didn't laugh because it wasn't funny the first time they heard it in real life and it isn't funny now.

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

I would say I'm your new biggest fan, but I've been a fan for so long. :-)

I want a t-shirt that says "We need to keep teaching people [bullying | rape | sexism | whatever] is wrong, because we keep making people."

[systris.livejournal.com]

so mr. open source boob project opens his gaping maw..yet again..fuck that fuckity fuck mcjackass motherfucker. as someone who's been bullied mercilessly by others there is often NOTHING anyone can do about why they were picked..people just do shit to people because they can and they will...i hope to god i never meet this loser in public - it could get ugly.

ETA: oh yeah and he has a passing resemblance to my ex-fiance...that's enough to just hate him beyond his ultra-fail as a human being.

[lookingaround17.livejournal.com]

Yeah, to me, there's always a range of choices in how to interact at any given second, and really, it runs from "killing the person in front of you" to "just leaving" and everything in between. I think the general rule, for me anyhow, is 'DON'T BE A JERK, EVEN WHEN GIVEN THE CHANCE".

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

As an aside, your name is beautiful, :).

As for the topic at hand, I left my thoughts on the subject here.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences on this. I always feel as though I'm a little bit better off after I read what you write and I appreciate it more than I can express.

[weirdquark]

My mother used to teach elementary school. The teachers all share playground duty, and kids would come up to them to complain: "So-and-so hit me!" And the first question is always, "did you do anything to So-and-so?" and the kid will tell her that they are totally innocent in all ways and So-and-so hit them with no provocation whatsoever. But usually, the answer is actually yes, and the kid doing the complaining kicked the kid who hit them in the shins and if you go far back enough, someone took someone else's stuff without asking or something. The idea is to teach the kids to take responsibility for their actions ("Yes, So-and-so hit me after I kicked them, but they took my ball and wouldn't give it back!") and possibly to seek out alternative methods to dealing with people treating you badly.

But asking what the complaining kid did also leads to victim blaming, and makes kids less likely to complain when "what they did" is wear the wrong clothes or play the wrong games or answer too many questions correctly. Even if the teacher only asks what they did when they saw the ball get stolen and know exactly what happened in the first place. Which is a problem. And if teachers get in the habit of asking, it can be even more of one.

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

I have a dear friend who is a kindergarten teacher, and his strategy is always to ask each kid "Tell me what just happened here" in order to avoid the semantic structures that imply or reinforce victim-blaming.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

O_o

That's about all I can type at the moment.

[thunderemerald.livejournal.com]

I feel like his original post was valid, only in that he felt that it applied to his own personal life situation. The problem, of course, was presenting it in such a manner that it felt like a lecture to all young people who get bullied. Classic example of "your experience is only your own."

I enjoyed reading your comment-thread debate. It gave me a lot to think about.

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

That was my initial take too. And hey, great for him if that was indeed what happened to him, but the way he spins it...eh, I don't know. Put that with the condescension...um, yeah.

All this gives me a lot to think about too.

[easter.livejournal.com]

I understand how inappropriate and privileged his comments were, and I am very sorry they upset you.

I feel as if I must put out there that it sounds as if he's still trying to blame himself in order to make some sense of things, all these years later. That's awfully self-hating, isn't it, and as much as I stay away from someone who tends to be that purposefully reactionary (on any number of topics) I feel bad; I can't help it. It's a common reaction to being bullied, and it's...just sad.

I was bullied too. It sucks, doesn't it?

All the best to you. I hope you aren't offended because I can understand a bit where he's coming from. Please don't think, however, that I feel it excuses his behavior. It does not.

[phaetonschariot.livejournal.com]

Wow, is he like the only victim ever who was never told he should change everything about himself so as not to get picked on?

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

Everything about himself except his gender, his gender identification, and his racial self-identification. Because people are never bullied about those things.

[violetisblue.livejournal.com]

Wow, theferrett said something stupid, insulting, self-serving and offensive--it must be one of those rare days ending in Y.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

He's sort of got a point, but it's a non-sequitur. I think it may be too easy for some smart kids to feel like other people aren't real, aren't as good, don't really count. And maybe that's self-defense for not fitting in, but it's still wrong. People matter.

The disconnect is that I don't see where that has anything to do with bullying or avoiding it. With having a better life, maybe, with not being left out, yes. But as you say, kids ignoring someone who doesn't share interests with them is a very different thing from actively committing physical or emotional violence.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

Okay, so Kenji Yoshino (who is awesome) talks about behaviors/demands that oppressors make that I think are applicable. It's concentric circles:

Conversion: change this thing about yourself.
Passing: conceal this thing about yourself.
Covering: fine, but don't flaunt this thing about yourself.

All of which is terrible for the individual on the receiving end.

Theferrett is advocating for caving to demands to convert/pass/cover, to which I say "not cool." Yeah, okay, socially there will always be negotiation, but saying that a victim is responsible for a bully's behavior? No way.

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

Wow, I really love that conceptual model. I will have to look into Yoshino's work.