bullying and the 105%

[rm]

Bullying happens for lots of reasons.

These include:
- bullies choosing to bully.
- cycles of abuse.
- biological impulses towards hierarchy.
- cultural glorification of violence.
- cultural shaming of various traits and interests.
- adults who look the other way.
- childhood and adult fears about identity and fitting in.
- features that people who are bullied can't change.
- features that people who are bullied shouldn't be asked to change.
- features that it may be reasonable to suggest people who are bullied address.

But when I was bullied as a kid, and prank calls came to my house calling a "cock-sucking whore," let me tell you the right response, when I was TWELVE and at an all-girls school, was not for my father to ask me what I had done to deserve this.

*

I'm one of those people who tries hard to live life at 105%. I realize that's a privilege to a given degree, but I do also think -- perhaps wrongly and ruthlessly -- that everyone's always got another tiny, extra sliver of fucking effort to give.

But it's not a damn obligation.

And while I am also always about strategy and pragmatism and survival, because those are my choices and my nature, victim-blaming is always wrong.

Which is why I find this post from theferrett upsetting. And his response to my (very possibly distressing for many) comment even more so.

*

I have made the choice, more literally than most people, over and over again, not to change my name, not to change my face, and not to run away from home.

Would you like me better if I was named Heather? How about Aleksandra? Andrea? Jenny? When I joined SAG, I thought long and hard about these things, and it was a terrible moment. Look, it's my actual job to make people like me.

You know who doesn't have that job? Some random eight-year-old who isn't beautiful, who has "weird" interests, who's a different race than her classmates, who has non-gender confirming hobbies, who's too smart, who has a difficult home life, who lives with a disability, etc., etc., etc.

So don't fucking tell me I didn't work hard enough not to be bullied. Or that I should have just worn a pretty dress. Or not been sick. Or tried not to learn things. Or made my parents name me something else.

I lived. That was, in this regard, all the work I was ever supposed to have to do.

Comments

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I stopped reading that jackass aaaaaaaages ago, after his bullshit "Oh, wouldn't it be great if I wouldn't get kicked in the junk for asking a woman if I could grope her tits?" fiasco. What a choad.

But when I was bullied as a kid, and prank calls came to my house calling a "cock-sucking whore," let me tell you the right response, when I was TWELVE and at an all-girls school, was not for my father to ask me what I had done to deserve this.

Girl, SO much W-O-R-D. My parents had much the same reaction to bullying. If I was being bullied, it must somehow be my fault.

In a way, I'm kind of glad for that, because it taught me that the most important thing I can do for my Monsters - more important than food, or shelter, or music lessons or any of that - is to always have their fucking backs. No matter what.

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

always have their fucking backs. No matter what

THIS.

[azn-jack-fiend.livejournal.com]

What a dick. I left a comment.

It's especially enraging for people who were victims of racist abuse. I was bullied first and foremost because I wasn't white. "Taking responsibility" for not being white, and trying to change it? That just keeps the cycle of internalized racism going. That's why so many of us are so fucked up and hate ourselves.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I wrote a response entitled "Your Privilege is showing", and got the predictable response from him.

[effervescent.livejournal.com]

Oh, ffs. He's missing a big thing, here - nobody should HAVE to do all of those things he seems to think we all need to do in order to be regarded as 'making an effort'. And while no, other people don't have to be our best friends in response, that doesn't mean that bullying is then okay - which I think is one of the assumptions that could come about from his post.

Just - ugh, no. No matter whether there's effort or not, people deserve respect and to not be tormented.

[yarram.livejournal.com]

I haven't read the comments, because, just... No.

But he is making the extremely serious error of conflating "teaching someone coping skills to surive abuse" with "telling the survivor that if zie just did X, all would be well".

Because I was told the latter for years, and it does not work. Not for bullying survivors, not for survivors of sexual assault, not for survivors of war. It is blaming the victim, full stop, end of discussion.

[rm.livejournal.com]

And you can do all the "right" things and still be a target. Bad things can happen to good people.

[myrrhmade.livejournal.com]

His post is repulsive. I don't think he even a little bit sees his privilege or arrogance. Must be nice.

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

This is par for the course with him.

He thinks he's being ~*edgy*~ and ~*controversial*~. Really, he's just being an asshole.

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

was not for my father to ask me what I had done to deserve this.

...This is probably inappropriate, but I feel an urge to punch your father in the face. I apologize if this is a problematic impulse.

Would you like me better if I was named Heather? How about Aleksandra? Andrea? Jenny?

Granted, I don't know your history with your name, but I like it because it's unique to my experience. I already know a Heather, two Alexes, three Andrews and one Andrea, and at least half a dozen Jenns.

[rm.livejournal.com]

The brief summary of problems with my name:

It's good as a brand. It's hard to live with. As a child it was constantly "Do you have a rash?" thanks to the pronunciation of the first syllable. As an adult, it means my first interaction with nearly everyone involves my telling the other party that they are wrong when they mispronounce it, which is unpleasant when so much of my life is auditions and networking.

But hey, at least I am like no one else.

[washable.livejournal.com]

I was bullied in elementary and middle school. I realize that it because they were scared that I had my own opinions and I wasn't afraid of being "weird".

[don-fitch.livejournal.com]

Maybe, but I don't think so. About 70 years later, I think the kids who bullied me during that period were just trying to see how much they could get away with. It seems to me that the adults who are (presumably) in charge are responsible for seeing to it that this isn't very much. For some reasonable-to-me flavor of "very".

[adelheid-p.livejournal.com]

Arggh! Well, I don't read his garbage and I can tell you that the right response isn't what the school counselors told my parents either: "Talk up sports at the dinner table." was apparently their answer to our bullying problems. (My brother and I were both bullied in school for being different and/or smart.) My mother was very upset at this response and it was clear that the school wasn't going to do anything about it. So, I was enrolled in karate classes. However, the best thing that happened was that we moved and I changed schools.

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

However, the best thing that happened was that we moved and I changed schools.

Oh, yup. That's when all my bullying problems vanished, too. Though they intensified exponentially for a couple months before I moved, because the reason I was moving was to accept a political scholarship and live in Germany for a year and a half.

The bullies were horrified that I was excited about missing the ever so important Senior Year. Skipping that mess and living abroad was the best present I ever gave myself.

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

Bullying is so random. Sometimes it's the kid who's a target for rather obvious reasons (the boy in my third grade class who wasn't physically/publicly bullied or called out but was socially ostracized because he had a constantly dripping nose or the kid who unfortunately didn't bathe and smelled terrible) -- in those cases, I do think there's some parental neglect happening. How can you not notice your kid's dirty or is blowing snot bubbles 24-7? I'm not sure that the teachers sent a note home with these kids or not, but I'm not sure how they could have missed that these children had no friends and why that might be.

On the other hand, the prettiest girl in my middle school was singled out because she was the prettiest girl in my middle school. It was pure jealousy. What could she do, ugly herself up so the boys would stop being nice to her and a phalanx of mean girls would stop calling her a slut for absolutely no reason?

(The same bunch of sweethearts made fun of my clothes and shoes. They were schmucks.)

[supergee.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with you, and I'm posting about it.

[jeliza]

Gah. This just makes me furious. Even more so because I just came from a (productive, thankfully) meeting with the principal about the bullying of my 5 YEAR OLD daughter.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I hate that guy's posts - I don't think I've ever read anything by him that didn't irritate me or vex me because it was not useful, brilliant or beautiful. It's all a mediocre pile of being a moron, wrapped up in that "I'm a smart, edgy dude" package. Ugh.

I remember my mother being so angry with me because I got kicked out of girl scouts because we didn't go to church and those little bitches egged my house and wrote "Satanist" on the garage door. What the hell was I supposed to do?

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

I got kicked out of girl scouts because we didn't go to church

So...she got mad at you, because she didn't take you to church / raise you sufficiently Christian?

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I think theferrett is hearing things in your comment that aren't there.

And I also think that there's a certain gap here that I don't know how to express without pissing people off, but it's the same thing that, say, keeps people dieting. If you (generic) just try a little harder, you can fit in. A little harder. just a little more. Try harder, it's just out of reach....

But there's always a group who knows that it's *not* just out of reach, it's impossible. Because of race, or gender, or income status, or physical characteristic, or or or.

I fall squarely into the latter category, theferrett into the former. And yes indeed, do his words sound bitterly useless at best to my ears.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

You have a really good point here. I am also in the latter category, and a bit tired of having people in the former category say, "Well, your experience is anomalous." If so, there are a lot of fucking anomalies out here, and we get tired of being invisible when people make Pronouncements.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

*sigh* Here we go again.

I stopped reading theferrett a few weeks ago, because of the white male privilege smeared all over his posts. He's a good guy, for certain values of "good," but it's too exasperating.

[tanyad.livejournal.com]

I agree with you, and that post and his bs comment are making me see red I tell you. Do you mind if I post this on WE Got Your Back?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Go ahead.

[valkyrwench.livejournal.com]

I stopped reading theferret long ago. I think it was right around the time of the Open Source Boob Project, which I found highly stupid. I find that his response to you still shows a distinct lack of social skills, and a lack of using that highly vaunted high IQ. Also, high IQ does not necessarily translate to common sense.

As a bullying victim, I spent years trying to fit in and make people like me so it would stop, to no avail.

Just because his experience was different does not invalidate your experience, or mine.

[elusis.livejournal.com]

which I found highly stupid. I find that his response to you still shows a distinct lack of social skills, and a lack of using that highly vaunted high IQ.

You know, your comment makes me think...

- if he's on to something with this whole "kids can learn how to get bullied less"
- which seems to be a lesson he's "learned" from his own life
- why do I want to knock him down, kick him in the ribs, and pull his underwear up over his head every time I read one of his posts?

[sunhawk.livejournal.com]

What a condescending, clueless jackass.

[maudelynn.livejournal.com]

What a horrible assumption to make.
I am so sorry you had such a hard time, and I completely understand.
I was bullied mercilessly due to my economic class, my mother's behaviour (she tended to do drugs and sleep with 18 year old senior brothers of my classmates, my accent, my bowl haircut, my glasses, you name it.
I tried to be friends, I am a very friendly person (despite all their BS) and on day, I just cracked and beat up 3 girls who were trying to put my head in a used toilet and said something bad about my gran.
Even though I KNOW they were assholes, I am STILL, to this day, affected by what they did. I still think everyone will eventually turn on me, even people who have loved me steadily, and fully, for yonks.
So, again, I say I sympathise.

[setissma.livejournal.com]

I'm in agreement with the fact that his post is exceptionally out of line and victim blaming and generally don't think much of the guy. And I'm certainly not defending him/his decision to be a jerk in comments, but I think it's potentially worth keeping in mind that self-blame is a pretty common response to bullying or abuse. People stuck in awful situations often crave control, and blaming themselves can sometimes give that illusion; the whole "if I just talked differently/dressed better/had more common interests/tried harder" thing is a pretty classic victim response. Accepting that your own actions don't have much to do with it is a tremendously hard thing for a lot of people because it means accepting that you can't prevent those bad things from happening by doing better, and it sounds like he hasn't really reached that point yet.

[rm.livejournal.com]

This is useful and adds compassion to the world. Thank you.

[alt_universe_me.livejournal.com]

My biological dad's response to when I was eleven and being picked on by (mainly) boys at school was to tell them to "fuck off". Direct quote. Which, while his response didn't blame me, it also didn't help me from being PHYSICALLY picked on by boys who were way way stronger than me.

Also, then my real dad left 3 years later and my mom DID marry a victim-blaming asshole...

Also, I'm not commenting over there because I'm afraid of the response I'd get. Yes, I'm a wuss, but being yelled at, even on the web, can be triggering for me.

But I read your comment over there, and so much WORD about not being able to afford new clothes. We lived in a trailer, for goodness sakes, and were on food stamps. It's a goddamn miracle that I have a B.A. today.

P.S. Sorry to vent on your blog. Ugh, cannot stand bullying.

[upstart-crow.livejournal.com]

Random person here, but I just wanted to say that you're not a wuss for being triggered by being yelled at. I grew up being screamed at by bullies or by my father on a regular basis, so it's a huge trigger for me, too.

[marsdejahthoris.livejournal.com]

I was bullied by other girls in school, but it was pretty low-key... however, I can sympathize with you a little on the name thing. I'm female, and my name is Travis. There were jokes and teasing about my "wrong" gender from elementary on. I don't have problems with people mispronouncing it, but they do want to call me Tracy a lot...

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I am shocked, shocked that theferret would ever post anything appallingly idiotic, insensitive, jackassy, toxic, ignorant, bigoted, or mean.

Shocked!

[maryling.livejournal.com]

This, very hard.

[stephl.livejournal.com]

Wait. This is the same guy who tried to codify sexual harassment -- which is, in fact, a form of bullying -- via the Open Source Boob Project? The guy who wanted to develop a system to make it easy for him to bully women at a convention?

Wow. The ignorant jackassery, it burns.

[elusis.livejournal.com]

Well you see, women should learn to not have breasts, and then they wouldn't get bullied so much.

[idunn.livejournal.com]

I stopped reading theferret a long time ago. His posts betray a callous disregard for ... well, everyone else, complete with victim blaming and asshole behavior whenever he's called on his shenanigans.

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

Don't forget the crying that he's "misunderstood" when he gets called on his bullshit, as he did with that whole "Open Source Boob" nonsense. He likes to play victim when he gets called out.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

Great post, and great comments to theferrett.

The pig will never sing, but I think sometimes you have to give it a try anyway, when the song's that important.