bullying and the 105%

[rm]

Bullying happens for lots of reasons.

These include:
- bullies choosing to bully.
- cycles of abuse.
- biological impulses towards hierarchy.
- cultural glorification of violence.
- cultural shaming of various traits and interests.
- adults who look the other way.
- childhood and adult fears about identity and fitting in.
- features that people who are bullied can't change.
- features that people who are bullied shouldn't be asked to change.
- features that it may be reasonable to suggest people who are bullied address.

But when I was bullied as a kid, and prank calls came to my house calling a "cock-sucking whore," let me tell you the right response, when I was TWELVE and at an all-girls school, was not for my father to ask me what I had done to deserve this.

*

I'm one of those people who tries hard to live life at 105%. I realize that's a privilege to a given degree, but I do also think -- perhaps wrongly and ruthlessly -- that everyone's always got another tiny, extra sliver of fucking effort to give.

But it's not a damn obligation.

And while I am also always about strategy and pragmatism and survival, because those are my choices and my nature, victim-blaming is always wrong.

Which is why I find this post from theferrett upsetting. And his response to my (very possibly distressing for many) comment even more so.

*

I have made the choice, more literally than most people, over and over again, not to change my name, not to change my face, and not to run away from home.

Would you like me better if I was named Heather? How about Aleksandra? Andrea? Jenny? When I joined SAG, I thought long and hard about these things, and it was a terrible moment. Look, it's my actual job to make people like me.

You know who doesn't have that job? Some random eight-year-old who isn't beautiful, who has "weird" interests, who's a different race than her classmates, who has non-gender confirming hobbies, who's too smart, who has a difficult home life, who lives with a disability, etc., etc., etc.

So don't fucking tell me I didn't work hard enough not to be bullied. Or that I should have just worn a pretty dress. Or not been sick. Or tried not to learn things. Or made my parents name me something else.

I lived. That was, in this regard, all the work I was ever supposed to have to do.

Comments

[setissma.livejournal.com]

I'm in agreement with the fact that his post is exceptionally out of line and victim blaming and generally don't think much of the guy. And I'm certainly not defending him/his decision to be a jerk in comments, but I think it's potentially worth keeping in mind that self-blame is a pretty common response to bullying or abuse. People stuck in awful situations often crave control, and blaming themselves can sometimes give that illusion; the whole "if I just talked differently/dressed better/had more common interests/tried harder" thing is a pretty classic victim response. Accepting that your own actions don't have much to do with it is a tremendously hard thing for a lot of people because it means accepting that you can't prevent those bad things from happening by doing better, and it sounds like he hasn't really reached that point yet.

[rm.livejournal.com]

This is useful and adds compassion to the world. Thank you.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

That's a good point. I have a quote on my profile page like that, from a newspaper article several years ago:

"Humans have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible."

This is one of the roots of victim-blaming in cases of sexual assault as well, which is why it struck me so hard.

Yet the creation of that narrative does more harm than good, and I really think that it has to be challenged when we see it.

[setissma.livejournal.com]

Agreed, but I think that it's important to remember that a narrative can be both social and personal. As a member of the greater community, I think that challenging that way of thinking is important, but as a victim of assault, I can say from personal experience that giving up the illusion of control that comes from self-blame can be a tremendously hard thing. I still struggle with it on a daily basis, and god knows, I have a lot of mental health resources available to me that many people lack. I think practicing compassion with people who are traveling that road is never a bad thing, even if it can - occasionally - be very hard.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

That's very true. I think there are some areas where it's difficult--profoundly difficult--for me to empathise with the person espousing a narrative that I perceive as attacking me or people close to me and telling them that they are at fault for things that other people did to them. (Or things that just happen--friends of my late partner's blamed me for his stroke, for example, and for not "making him better" afterward, and that is still a huge wound unimproved by prodding.)

That's my own issue, though--a case of "first bandage your own wound, then see to the people around you". I'm still bandaging some stuff.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

This is beautifully said. Thank you for writing and sharing it.

[http://users.livejournal.com/lindalee_/]

Wonderful and thoughtful response!