bullying and the 105%

[rm]

Bullying happens for lots of reasons.

These include:
- bullies choosing to bully.
- cycles of abuse.
- biological impulses towards hierarchy.
- cultural glorification of violence.
- cultural shaming of various traits and interests.
- adults who look the other way.
- childhood and adult fears about identity and fitting in.
- features that people who are bullied can't change.
- features that people who are bullied shouldn't be asked to change.
- features that it may be reasonable to suggest people who are bullied address.

But when I was bullied as a kid, and prank calls came to my house calling a "cock-sucking whore," let me tell you the right response, when I was TWELVE and at an all-girls school, was not for my father to ask me what I had done to deserve this.

*

I'm one of those people who tries hard to live life at 105%. I realize that's a privilege to a given degree, but I do also think -- perhaps wrongly and ruthlessly -- that everyone's always got another tiny, extra sliver of fucking effort to give.

But it's not a damn obligation.

And while I am also always about strategy and pragmatism and survival, because those are my choices and my nature, victim-blaming is always wrong.

Which is why I find this post from theferrett upsetting. And his response to my (very possibly distressing for many) comment even more so.

*

I have made the choice, more literally than most people, over and over again, not to change my name, not to change my face, and not to run away from home.

Would you like me better if I was named Heather? How about Aleksandra? Andrea? Jenny? When I joined SAG, I thought long and hard about these things, and it was a terrible moment. Look, it's my actual job to make people like me.

You know who doesn't have that job? Some random eight-year-old who isn't beautiful, who has "weird" interests, who's a different race than her classmates, who has non-gender confirming hobbies, who's too smart, who has a difficult home life, who lives with a disability, etc., etc., etc.

So don't fucking tell me I didn't work hard enough not to be bullied. Or that I should have just worn a pretty dress. Or not been sick. Or tried not to learn things. Or made my parents name me something else.

I lived. That was, in this regard, all the work I was ever supposed to have to do.

Comments

[wcg.livejournal.com]

So it sounds quite like Rosalin?

I have the odd last name issue too. It's remarkable how many people can misspell and mispronounce it.

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

I took my husband's name when we married, and am constantly amused by the bajillion ways people mangle it. I've been called Brazil, Brazeal, Brazwell, Brazean, Brazzel, Brazinksi (...the fuck?), and on one hilarious occasion, Brassiere.

(It's Brazeau.)

[marcmagus]

Not at all. I'm sorry the IPA was confusing. I detest ad-hoc phonetics, especially on the Internet, as they often cause confusion due to a different reference dialect, so I stick to IPA, but I forget that guessing what IPA means if you don't know it can be equally unhelpful.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

They have problems with *YOUR* last name? o.O 'kay den. I can believe the misspell, easily. Maybe I'm not clever enough, but I can't imagine how to mispronounce your last name.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Ga-wain Gon-e Gnu All sorts of things.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

Ah. Yes, I'm simply not creative enough. One of these days I'll regale you with the various mispronunciations of my married surname. (not in public.)

[wcg.livejournal.com]

I can only imagine.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Ra-shell-leen.

As a child my mother called me Rachie (Ra-shee), and friends have always called me something that sounds between "rash" and "rosh" (not "roche"). So no, it doe snot sound like Rosalin.

I introduce myself on the Kickstarter video. You can hear it there.

[sanat.livejournal.com]

I imagine around here (Wellington, NZ) you'd probably get either "Rush-el-leen" or "Resh-el-leen", depending on the speaker. The unique vowel shift of the Kiwi accent is already influencing my future offspring's names, for the sake of euphony in both hir parents' accents and hir peers' accents. (Jana works fine as Jenna, for instance).

[sanat.livejournal.com]

Another random name comment: someone I only met in passing at uni but still remember introduced herself as Hatsune, "like 'hot sundae'". Mnemonics for the win!