bullying and the 105%

[rm]

Bullying happens for lots of reasons.

These include:
- bullies choosing to bully.
- cycles of abuse.
- biological impulses towards hierarchy.
- cultural glorification of violence.
- cultural shaming of various traits and interests.
- adults who look the other way.
- childhood and adult fears about identity and fitting in.
- features that people who are bullied can't change.
- features that people who are bullied shouldn't be asked to change.
- features that it may be reasonable to suggest people who are bullied address.

But when I was bullied as a kid, and prank calls came to my house calling a "cock-sucking whore," let me tell you the right response, when I was TWELVE and at an all-girls school, was not for my father to ask me what I had done to deserve this.

*

I'm one of those people who tries hard to live life at 105%. I realize that's a privilege to a given degree, but I do also think -- perhaps wrongly and ruthlessly -- that everyone's always got another tiny, extra sliver of fucking effort to give.

But it's not a damn obligation.

And while I am also always about strategy and pragmatism and survival, because those are my choices and my nature, victim-blaming is always wrong.

Which is why I find this post from theferrett upsetting. And his response to my (very possibly distressing for many) comment even more so.

*

I have made the choice, more literally than most people, over and over again, not to change my name, not to change my face, and not to run away from home.

Would you like me better if I was named Heather? How about Aleksandra? Andrea? Jenny? When I joined SAG, I thought long and hard about these things, and it was a terrible moment. Look, it's my actual job to make people like me.

You know who doesn't have that job? Some random eight-year-old who isn't beautiful, who has "weird" interests, who's a different race than her classmates, who has non-gender confirming hobbies, who's too smart, who has a difficult home life, who lives with a disability, etc., etc., etc.

So don't fucking tell me I didn't work hard enough not to be bullied. Or that I should have just worn a pretty dress. Or not been sick. Or tried not to learn things. Or made my parents name me something else.

I lived. That was, in this regard, all the work I was ever supposed to have to do.

Comments

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I stopped reading that jackass aaaaaaaages ago, after his bullshit "Oh, wouldn't it be great if I wouldn't get kicked in the junk for asking a woman if I could grope her tits?" fiasco. What a choad.

But when I was bullied as a kid, and prank calls came to my house calling a "cock-sucking whore," let me tell you the right response, when I was TWELVE and at an all-girls school, was not for my father to ask me what I had done to deserve this.

Girl, SO much W-O-R-D. My parents had much the same reaction to bullying. If I was being bullied, it must somehow be my fault.

In a way, I'm kind of glad for that, because it taught me that the most important thing I can do for my Monsters - more important than food, or shelter, or music lessons or any of that - is to always have their fucking backs. No matter what.

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

always have their fucking backs. No matter what

THIS.

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

Seconded.

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

ning this.

My dad and I had Issues(TM), but dogDAMMIT, no one was going to bully his kids. The most important thing he did was believe me when I complained, and sympathize, and take action, even when it mortified me.

[natf.livejournal.com]

+1

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

THAT'S why I looked at the user name and the icon and thought DO NOT WANT, but couldn't connect it to anything specific! I said to myself, "self, why do you think EVIL FERRET when you see that name? are you being unfairly judgemental?" No, it turns out my mind knew what it was doing. Good job, mind!

[heron61.livejournal.com]

I stopped reading that jackass aaaaaaaages ago, after his bullshit "Oh, wouldn't it be great if I wouldn't get kicked in the junk for asking a woman if I could grope her tits?" fiasco. What a choad.

Pretty much. In the remarkably tiny world that is lj, I have a good friend who is close friends with him, and claims he's really nifty in person. I've never met him and so I can't say, but on-line he's definitely a total choad.

[elusis.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I stopped reading that jackass aaaaaaaages ago, after his bullshit "Oh, wouldn't it be great if I wouldn't get kicked in the junk for asking a woman if I could grope her tits?" fiasco. What a choad.

Seriously. Talk about someone whom I would not piss on if his hair were on fire. "Take responsibility for fitting in better" is just a perfect illustration of his delusions of centrality in the world.

[natf.livejournal.com]

Oh, I stopped reading him *years* before that and, reading this ost of his and his coments there, I am merely reminded how glad I am that I did. He always seems to argue/disagree for the sake of doing so rather than considering the feelings/thoughts of the person he is replying to. Ugh. Yes, he is entitled to his thoughts and feelings and to say what he wants on his LJ. However, I am entitled to not read it and not comment there because I do not need the pain/aggravation that his reply is likely to trigger.