bullying and the 105%

[rm]

Bullying happens for lots of reasons.

These include:
- bullies choosing to bully.
- cycles of abuse.
- biological impulses towards hierarchy.
- cultural glorification of violence.
- cultural shaming of various traits and interests.
- adults who look the other way.
- childhood and adult fears about identity and fitting in.
- features that people who are bullied can't change.
- features that people who are bullied shouldn't be asked to change.
- features that it may be reasonable to suggest people who are bullied address.

But when I was bullied as a kid, and prank calls came to my house calling a "cock-sucking whore," let me tell you the right response, when I was TWELVE and at an all-girls school, was not for my father to ask me what I had done to deserve this.

*

I'm one of those people who tries hard to live life at 105%. I realize that's a privilege to a given degree, but I do also think -- perhaps wrongly and ruthlessly -- that everyone's always got another tiny, extra sliver of fucking effort to give.

But it's not a damn obligation.

And while I am also always about strategy and pragmatism and survival, because those are my choices and my nature, victim-blaming is always wrong.

Which is why I find this post from theferrett upsetting. And his response to my (very possibly distressing for many) comment even more so.

*

I have made the choice, more literally than most people, over and over again, not to change my name, not to change my face, and not to run away from home.

Would you like me better if I was named Heather? How about Aleksandra? Andrea? Jenny? When I joined SAG, I thought long and hard about these things, and it was a terrible moment. Look, it's my actual job to make people like me.

You know who doesn't have that job? Some random eight-year-old who isn't beautiful, who has "weird" interests, who's a different race than her classmates, who has non-gender confirming hobbies, who's too smart, who has a difficult home life, who lives with a disability, etc., etc., etc.

So don't fucking tell me I didn't work hard enough not to be bullied. Or that I should have just worn a pretty dress. Or not been sick. Or tried not to learn things. Or made my parents name me something else.

I lived. That was, in this regard, all the work I was ever supposed to have to do.

Comments

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

was not for my father to ask me what I had done to deserve this.

...This is probably inappropriate, but I feel an urge to punch your father in the face. I apologize if this is a problematic impulse.

Would you like me better if I was named Heather? How about Aleksandra? Andrea? Jenny?

Granted, I don't know your history with your name, but I like it because it's unique to my experience. I already know a Heather, two Alexes, three Andrews and one Andrea, and at least half a dozen Jenns.

[rm.livejournal.com]

The brief summary of problems with my name:

It's good as a brand. It's hard to live with. As a child it was constantly "Do you have a rash?" thanks to the pronunciation of the first syllable. As an adult, it means my first interaction with nearly everyone involves my telling the other party that they are wrong when they mispronounce it, which is unpleasant when so much of my life is auditions and networking.

But hey, at least I am like no one else.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Now that I've read this, I know how to correctly pronounce the first syllable of your first name. Before today I'd have made the same mistake many others have made. (Or maybe I'd just have called you Are Em.)

All that aside, you're right to be miffed by that post.

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

Now that I've read this, I know how to correctly pronounce the first syllable of your first name

Hah, me too.

rm, I know your name occasionally vexes you, but I think it's lovely. If you get bored with it, we can trade and you can be Margaret for a while.

[marcmagus]

Actually, unless you pronounce "rash" differently than I do, no, you don't. You want [ra S@ 'lin], roughly. (See http://www.kirshenbaum.net/IPA/ for more on IPA/ASCII)

I'm lucky in that it's only my surname people have trouble pronouncing, but it's amazing how many people can't spell my name even in a typing environment when it's right in front of them.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

So it sounds quite like Rosalin?

I have the odd last name issue too. It's remarkable how many people can misspell and mispronounce it.

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

I took my husband's name when we married, and am constantly amused by the bajillion ways people mangle it. I've been called Brazil, Brazeal, Brazwell, Brazean, Brazzel, Brazinksi (...the fuck?), and on one hilarious occasion, Brassiere.

(It's Brazeau.)

[marcmagus]

Not at all. I'm sorry the IPA was confusing. I detest ad-hoc phonetics, especially on the Internet, as they often cause confusion due to a different reference dialect, so I stick to IPA, but I forget that guessing what IPA means if you don't know it can be equally unhelpful.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

They have problems with *YOUR* last name? o.O 'kay den. I can believe the misspell, easily. Maybe I'm not clever enough, but I can't imagine how to mispronounce your last name.

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

I'm apparently unable to speak my own name loudly and clearly at parties, because more often than not, I say "Chuck" and they reply "...Jack?" Thing is, when you correct them, it's more likely to stick in their heads, because now there's a story behind it. Nobody ever seems to forget my name, either, when I have a hell of a time remembering the names of people I've met once.

One of my management professors had a buzzword, "Differentiation". Everything is about how you differentiate yourself, your work, your products, your company. Business is about being different, because different means memorable, different means not exchangable, and different--amusingly enough--often carries connotations of "better".

[sethg]

As you may have already heard: There was a certain actor with an unusual name who considered changing it when he started his career, and then decided not to, reasoning that a name that is hard to remember would also be a name that is hard to forget.

That actor is now the Governor of California.

[byzantienne.livejournal.com]

Have I told you the stories of when I was working telemarketing and everyone I introduced myself to thought I was named Evangeline?

(And you've seen me flail at not knowing which name, or which half of my name, I'm supposed to tell people to call me.)

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

Now I'm curious. What is your actual name, if you don't mind telling?

(My 6th grade teacher was named Evangeline. She was about 6'3", had a soft Tennessee drawl, and a deep dislike of pop culture. She was all about the Classics.)

[byzantienne.livejournal.com]

AnnaLinden. (And now, if you want, you can find most of my history and where I work. I think I'm a googlewhack, though there is an Anna Linden out there in Chicago.)

And for the record, I'm 5'2", a life-long New Yorker (though the accent is gone via years of speech therapy, private school, and foreign travel), and like pop culture well enough, though I also am all about the classics, if by 'classics' you mean the Greek and Roman ones.

[browneyedgirl65.livejournal.com]

I had that sort of issue with my last name growing up. Pronunciation, spelling, dealing with the fact that it's very similar to a vulgar term, oh it was a joy to grow up with :-/

Oddly enough, though I have more than my share of pronunciation malaprops being deaf, your first name I had right. I wasn't sure at first, but you've mentioned how it's pronounced before.

I had more trouble with your last name :) (tried it with three syllables instead of two)

[rm.livejournal.com]

In Italy my last name has three syllables. In my family, we've always done it Americanized, but sometimes when I've had professional contacts from Italy or of Italian descent and they default to Mal-tes-ze I totally let that slide. I was interested in the degree to which when I was in Sydney, Australians always guessed the pronunciation of my first name correctly, and usually defaulted to the Italian pronunciation of my last name. It was like there was a world in which I was my cousin, but my name wasn't weird. Super odd.

[kshandra]

my first interaction with nearly everyone involves my telling the other party that they are wrong when they mispronounce it

Oh, gods, this. (And I'd had such hopes when Kirsten Dunst became popular, that my days of correcting people would be over...sigh.)

[trillian42.livejournal.com]

As an adult, it means my first interaction with nearly everyone involves my telling the other party that they are wrong when they mispronounce it

Oh god I know. And after the first like, three corrections, you just start to feel like an asshole. This is why I have a neighbor, in the very small neighborhood I've lived in for three+ years, who still calls me "Libby" instead of "Libbet." I really effing HATE being called "Libby," but I seriously told her at least three times, not to mention it's ON my CAR. Honestly.

< /rant >

[rm.livejournal.com]

Generally, I've gotten good enough at the tone and delivery that it now goes like this:

Them: [something wrong]
Me: Actually it's Ra-shell-lean
Them: [some sort of apology or defensiveness]
Me: No worries, it's hard. But you only get three tries.

And then everyone laughs.

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

Whereas I went the other direction. I stopped correcting people unless they asked me. Now I get Serena, Cyrene, Shareen, Selene, and lots of other things. I just say "Whatever. Fred, George... Just spell my name right on the check." And sometimes they do.

[trillian42.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I think this particular lady just has some kind of language disability, and I really know I shouldn't take it personally, but it's like nails on a damn chalkboard every time.

Mine is usually:
Me: "Libbet."
Them: "Buh?" (or facial equivalent."
Me: "Libbet: L-I-B-B-E-T."
Them: *some variation on, "that's really neat/unique/i've never heard that before!" or a frog joke.

Most people remember it after I spell it.

[brithistorian.livejournal.com]

So, for future reference if/when I meet you in person, how does one pronounce your name?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Ra-shell-lean

[brithistorian.livejournal.com]

OK. I think I've got it. I've got it pretty easy in this regard - I've never known anyone who could mispronounce Jason. :-D

[upstart-crow.livejournal.com]

I had a lot of problems with an unusual name too, as you probably have guessed. I hated it and wanted to change it as a kid, but now I've grown to love it, even if somedays I get annoyed at having to pronounce it up to five times before people ... still say it wrong. Heh.